You know you're heavily pregnant when....

[Minions]

1. You come home for a few hours during the day but don’t take your shoes off and put your slippers on because that would mean bending down twice unnecessarily before going back out (even though you’re having a nap on the sofa….)

1. Your comfiest trainers now count as smart shoes when going out with friends on a Friday night.

1. Said Friday night finishes at 10pm and you consider that really late.

1. You wonder why people stare at your bump when walking down the street until you catch your own reflection in a window and stare yourself at this massive bump which appears to have attached itself to your front.

1. Going upstairs to put away washing now counts as exercise.

1. You drop something on the floor and decide that’s where it now lives.

1. Your maternity tops no longer cover the bump.

1. You no longer care that your maternity tops don’t cover the bump - you’re just glad you’re up, washed and dressed (to some degree).

1. Putting on socks counts as an achievement that day. Getting tights on deserves a medal….

Masterflea the forlorn look at the fridge really made me chuckle!

DH called me a feeble weeble the other day. I fear he's correct.

when there are no towels that go round you without leaving a gap

when you unplug the bath, but all the water behind you stays because you are blocking it like a damned dam

I have bought a load of slip on shoes from primark as I can no longer tie shoes/put on socks without winding myself.
Every move involves huffing and puffing or groaning.
I base what we eat on whether it can be done on hob and microwave as i don't want to bend to the oven.
I feel i could eat a scabby horse but can only manage a few mouthfulls before I'm full, but will be ravenous in another five minutes.
Plan any activities on whether there will be accessible toilets/food and drink/places for me to sit.
My bump appears in shop window reflections a couple of seconds before i do.
My toenails resemble talons.

33+2 here:

• dh wrestles off your wedding ring with lots of oil as your fingers resemble sausages and it is cutting off the blood supply to the fourth digit

• you wear flip flops because your shoes don't fit any more (not even my lovely comfy uggs)

• not even the gainormius cheap Asda 16-18 pants fit me any more. Nothing fits. I am a Michelin man.

• it doesn't matter what position you sit on the sofa, it just gives you a sore back after 5 minutes

• your hips hurt because you can only lie on one side or the other and the pressure is not comfy at all!

• the need to sleep every 5 minutes is overwhelming

• showering is a chore there are certain bits I just can't reach properly any more so dh has to do it

• hot hot hot head. I get hot for no reason all of a sudden.

And yes to all the above, particularly about having to get up and down because you forgot something.When does this end

Should add, per pregnancy I was a 12-14 and size 7 shoe. Now omg. I can't bear to think about it.

It also doesn't matter how much cream I've used my stretch marks have gotten worse since 31 weeks. On tum as well as boobs. And the baby is still growing.......

to take rings of easily you need to put your hands in ice cold water for as long as you can bear it. dip in and out if must.

then apply vaseline and pull, but first try to wriggle as much skin under the ring as you can, for less bulk....

you know I've been heavily pregnant from the fact that I know this!

• you pause for breath whilst pushing your DD home from the Far Away Park and a nice lady pulls over to ask if you're ok and do you need a lift to the hospital?

This happened to me yesterday. I'm actually only 6 months gone but according to Everyone I Meet I look about to drop.

huge laugh out loud at knocking toddler over with bump. did this this morning to DD.

just started swearing at DH... he's out cutting the grass & we've just come back from a kiddie farm... just got comfy on sofa and put on big barn farm for DD when hubby shouts through kitchen window "can you plug me in" - the lawnmower. FUCK OFF. A. I have just sat down and its a huge effort to get up & B. I can't reach the fucking kitchen bastard window anymore without squashing half of bump against the sink.

want to take my bra off too but I have to go out later & it'll kill me putting it back on.

thought I was going into labour lastnight. to the point I cobsidered phoning hosp. turned out I'd eaten too much & iron supplements weren't allowing a black tar poo.

1.5 weeks til induction. HOO-PISSING-RAY.

sizzles awwwww your DS is so cute!

These are making me laugh so much.

• you sit on the toilet waiting for 15mins, praying for one more trickle to come out to save you a future loo trip
• you walk to the loo in the night carrying your bump like a bowling ball
• your DH comes to give you a hug then pretends to bounce backwards
• you strongly suspect your attempts at the anti-waddle look even stranger than the waddle itself
• you find watching your baby doing the gangnam style for the 50th time more entertaining than most tv shows

Oh and definitely mis-judging my current circumference and having awkward wedge-ins with people in doorways...

you stop on a school run and sigh loudly (because your child has just informed you about forgetting lunchbox/worldbook day/mufti) and people ask you worriedly if you are in labour

I am casting my mind back, here, as my youngest is 17 in a fortnight, but here goes:

You feel like you have been pregnant forever and you know, for damn sure, that you are going to be pregnant forever too.

The bump is so prominent that, without thinking, it becomes the place where you rest your mug of coffee. Frankly I am surprised none of the boys were born with red rings on their bums!

Having to call your DH's work and get him to come home asap as you've slipped off the sofa and managed to get wedged inbetween said sofa and the coffee table he came home to a sobbing mess and made me go to the GP to be checked I was ok but that was embarassing!

Everything gets done after you've been for a pee.
The kids are eating too much rubbish because it's too much effort/hurts to get up and chop the Apple / Orange they should be having.
The thought of doing bath time nearly reduces me to tears due to the lifting, drying, hair battles.
You know what time it gets light in the morning because you're awake at that time every bleeding morning.

OMG bathtime for DD.... bloody kills me. have refused as much as possible & have left hubs to it. Don't even care if bath isn't rinsed down after and there is water EVERYWHERE. Fuck it.

Ooh, Metal, that happened to me when I was trying to fish the dog's ball out from under the sofa. Thankfully DH was home but I got a proper scolding about asking for help and not doing silly things myself.

I just spent a lovely hour in the bath, floating. Then had to get on my hands and knees and hoist myself up to get out, and now my bump hurts. Grrrrr.

When walking down the street, you're overtaken by pensioners and people on crutches...

When you have no idea what's in the bottom half of the fridge because it's too awkward to bend or crouch down to look.

My new one, as of last night: you can no longer roll over in bed, even with huffing and puffing and exaggerated arm movements, but you actually have to sit up to turn over. And you have to turn over (approximately hourly) because of the pressure on your hips.

But the worried looks you get when you tell people you are due in 3 days, whilst chasing your DS round the park, are priceless

You don't need to use the sofa to rest your meals on as u have a ready made table in form of bump!!

You can't go around the supermarket without needing 4 wee!

Going for a wee and then nothing happens, u finish go start and job and the. Absolutely desperate!

I miss my bump - he's three days pld now :-)

Congratulations Ohdear!
I missed having a bump too. I was one of those people whose bump disappeared completely in about 6 hours and back into pre-pregnancy (bloated days) clothes within a week.
I very much doubt that will happen this time though. I actually doubt I will ever see my feet again!