How to broach the subject of childcare with MIL?

[ElleDubloo]

I have a brilliant MIL who I get on with swimmingly. She's delighted I'm pregnant and really excited about having her first grandchild. We live 25 mins away from her (we're actually currently living at her house, because we're having work done to our bathroom). We might move in with her more permanently when I'm due, to have her help with the baby in the early days.

I'd like to broach the subject of childcare, but I'm not sure how to do it sensitively, and without looking like I'm taking advantage of her. TBH, I'd like to take 6 months maternity leave and then return to work full-time, and it would be amazing if she would volunteer to take on all the childcare after that. It's a big ask. She has a part-time job as a teacher, which she has hinted that she doesn't enjoy very much.

Is it reasonable for me to ask her whether she'd like to quit her job so that I can go back to work?
How should we recompense her for the loss of earnings? Could we offer to pay her (because we'd rather pay her than pay a childminder we don't know) but would she take offense?

Would be great to get everyone's thoughts on this :)

We asked my parents. They said yes without hesitation. It works brilliantly (DF was already retired, DM worked PT in school term).

We pay them the same we would pay a nanny (including NI contributions etc) and have an official contract. We also give them bonuses, paying for weekends away or nice restaurants. We're not doing this to save money.

Theres 2 of them so they share the workload. I wouldnt want one to do it by themselves its too hard physically. But this means that they can do their shopping/washing/ironing etc during the week (whilst the other looks after DS) and their weekends and evenings are chore free.

So far they havent been ill at the same time but if they were we'd do what we'd do if a nanny was ill (take time off work!).

We are very open and talk frankly. I've told them many times to tell me if its too much but they love it and sometimes ask to see DS at the weekend as they miss him too much.

Im soon in mat leave with DC2. We'll continue paying them as before but will really reduce their hours whilst Im off. Then we'll increase the money as they'll be looking after 2 (like with a normal nanny) although DS will be in school from september.

The only disadvantage is I dont like to ask for babysitting as they already do so much. But its a small sacrifice.

I help with my Grandchildren's child care . I am a fit heathy 62 year old . I had 18 month old and 3.5 year old today from 7.30 until 4 . I was in bed by 8.30pm.
I am so glad that's it's not every day. I have had many years in pre-school education and am very used to small people but I am shattered by the end of the day.
DD might increase her hours and I appreciate ( as she does ) that these are probably the most physically demanding ages . If she asked me to provide full time care I would have to say no.

Wow, I'm surprised at the heated response you got!

As a side note, should your dp not do the asking?

I imagine many grandparents would love to help. My mil looked into retiring bug it wasn't an option. She brought it up though. I think your one flaw is asking her to do it full time. At some point, it's perfectly reasonable to sit down and have a chat. Don't put her on the spot, tell her to go and think but ask if she'd be able and/or willing to help with childcare when the time comes. Say you'd love to be able to leave dc with someone you love and trust but that you completely understand if she can't. Then ask her to think about what days/hours she may be able to help with!

It seems pretty reasonable to me... You don't seem like the monster you've been painted!

Wow, I'm surprised at the heated response you got!

As a side note, should your dp not do the asking?

I imagine many grandparents would love to help. My mil looked into retiring bug it wasn't an option. She brought it up though. I think your one flaw is asking her to do it full time. At some point, it's perfectly reasonable to sit down and have a chat. Don't put her on the spot, tell her to go and think but ask if she'd be able and/or willing to help with childcare when the time comes. Say you'd love to be able to leave dc with someone you love and trust but that you completely understand if she can't. Then ask her to think about what days/hours she may be able to help with!

It seems pretty reasonable to me... You don't seem like the monster you've been painted!

Not a monster of course - but maybe someone better suited to a research role than one involving a lot of patient contact! Didn't realise my doctors were only nice to me because they needed to be! I just thought they were nice people
It seems odd to give up your career without hesitation to look after a hypothetically dependent elderly mil (with a child at home too) for possibly 20 years, but to be so set on returning at 6 months post due date, working long, full-time hours etc.

I actually think the advice several posters have offered (get separate daytime childcare sorted and use mil for all the extra hours, if willing) is very sensible and helpful.

So long as you are prepared to pay her what she earns now, give her holiday time and contribute towards her pension I'm sure she might consider it.

How old is she?

Would you expect her to cover all school holidays too?

What about if you had another child?

I'd rather my doctor do his/her job and fix me than be my best friend . Manners are nice though!

Agree with previous posters who have said that with your professions and work patterns, help from grandparents if (if!) forthcoming, might be best directed towards being first reserve for evenings, weekends, sick leave, nursery closure etc. Or if your MIL wanted to offer more then maybe one regular day a week, so that you don't have to have the baby in full time childcare - it would save you a bit and also give you a day when you aren't necessarily watching the clock and can afford to be a bit late home without incurring nursery late fees or the wrath of your nanny/CM.

But I'm afraid I also agree with previous posters that you give the impression of needing to think a lot about how things are going to work once your child is here beyond a slightly blasé "we will need FT care so how shall we ask his mum".

Also apologies for the multiple post! Phone had a fit!

I haven't read all the comments but I'm saying from my experience.
We sold our house when I was pregnant and moved in with in laws when I was 7 month pregnant. To make the story short we lived in total of 7 month together. Mil is a very nice lady. We got along pretty good before we moved together but after that I cried myself to sleep because of her.

Wait till you have the baby. And in my opinion I wouldn't move in with MIL once baby is born. But it is your decision.

Also what happened to me, my DS is 6 month and guess what I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC2. It was not planned but I'm very happy.

I hope you make the right decision

Maybe she could just have them when your shifts fall outside of a childminders hours? E.g while you're on nights? I'd imagine it would soon get too tiring for her to do it full time?

My MIL very kindly looked after my son for two days a week for a period of six months while we waited for a nursery place. My son was 18 months old. She enjoyed the experience however found it to be exhausting looking after him just two days a week. There is no way she would have been up to looking after my son full time (she is very fit and energetic).

To answer the questions as you put them in your later post;

A) no.
B) conversation no longer required.

But I suspectyou're goingto doit anyhow.

But please remember that grumbling about your job does not equate to willingness to leave paid workforce or reduce income/pension contribution/ independence. Work out exactly how you are going to over loss of earnings and, as she's probably in TPS, that number of years of public sector pension accrual and what it means for her income for the rest of her life.

If she is working for you full time during the week, what are you going to do to cover any antisocial hours?

Elledubloo, what stage of training are you at?

I don't know much about lawyers, but as far as doctors go, I am a core medical trainee with an 18 month old and another on the way. I had a year off for maternity leave and then went back part time. If you are in a training post, I believe they have to try and offer you less than full time working if you ask for it. I am not sure if this is the case for all training programmes but I think so. The BMA were VERY helpful outlining all this, and you can talk to them before you are willing to talk to work, early on in the pregnancy for example.

So I work a job share with another SHO. I still obviously do nights, weekends, etc. My DP has switched to 3 days per week, luckily his work can be flexible which days these are as long as they know in advance, so he works around my shifts. On night shifts or weekends or during busy patches my mum usually comes to stay, for an extra pair of hands. If she lived closer, she would probably take DD one day a week, but even as is she's up here every 2 weeks for a couple of days. We also do 1-2 days a week in nursery. So it's a bit of a mix of me, DP, nursery and my mum doing the childcare. Works for us.

Me and DP both wanted to be involved in rearing our kids and so these are the financial and career sacrifices we've made. Though I am obviously doing core medical training at half the speed, it has its advantages too - lovely work life balance, less exam pressure!, I actually get a wider range experience as I'll do 12 jobs in CMT rather than the standard 6. I understand the pressures junior docs, particularly mums are under, and I hope this will make me a better supervisor when I get to that point. Most doctors I know are not part time - our culture is not very accepting of it. As I said though, most training programmes have to try and accommodate it if you ask.

I could not have left my baby at 6 months - I was still breastfeeding every couple of hours at that point - and when you are up all night with the baby etc, work IS harder - I am pretty shattered even working part time. (and as I'm sure you're aware, part time as a junior doc is often 40 hours a week anyway - I did 56 the other week!) You may feel a bit differently once you are with your baby.

These threads are always full of men who "can't" possibly work any less or help out, even though women with equally demanding jobs DO work less and DO all the bloody childcare - it isn't "can't", it's "won't" - it would be good to have these discussions up front before the baby is here and you are both shattered and resentful! Female lawyers work flexibly and take time off - parental leave now exists - it doesn't have to all be on you.

Just some food for thought! Hope it's helpful.

As others above have said, I think your MIL will offer if she wants to do the childcare, and she will offer the amount she is happy to do.

(Feel free to message me if you wanted any details on any of the above.)

I agree - I know lots of people on different tragi schemes (core medical, paeds, GP) who have gone part-time.

Forgot to say in my post - we haven't told our work that my parents look after DS, so no-one says "oh well, it doesn't matter if you're late home". We respect our hours and if we happen to be unavoidably late (never more than 15 minutes) we make up the time over the next couple of hours, either getting home early or leaving later. There have been one or two exceptions where my parents have had to do an extra hour in the evening, but we pay them in wine for that and warn them in advance so they eat their evening meal at ours.

over the next couple of days (not hours)

These threads are always full of men who "can't" possibly work any less or help out, even though women with equally demanding jobs DO work less and DO all the bloody childcare - it isn't "can't", it's "won't"

I couldn't agree more, and it makes me really angry.

I also notice that no-one ever criticises fathers for choosing to work 80 hour weeks and not seeing their children for days on end because they're asleep when the fathers are physically in the home.

I returned to work FT, because I love my job, but eventually moved from a client-facing to a non-fee earner role to make it possible. I was lucky that an intellectually stimulating support role was available, and that I had the right skills and contacts to get it.

DH, on the other hand, has not changed his career on jot.

I am often resentful that he can decide spur of the minute to work late, or accept a client invitation to dinner without checking first, because I am always the default childcarer.

OP, I too would suggest a nanny for core hours and your MIL for wraparound care. That sounds perfect.

I would also strongly urge you to talk to your DH about how he intends to make his contribution to childcare. Your baby is just as much his responsibility as yours.

Yy Cinnabar.

Do people discuss childcare with their partners before deciding to have children - it really seems as though many people just 'fall into' the trap of having a baby and not really thinking through what the arrangements are.

Cinnabar - you are clearly intelligent, did you and your DH discuss arrangements before having children? I agree it is totally unfair that so many men seem to think it is the woman's responsibility to assume child care (or arranging it if not actually doing it) but I wonder if some women allow themselves to fall into this situation?

I made it clear to my DH that I would only have a child if I stayed at home - I had achieved what I wanted to in my career and was more than happy to have a break & therefore take on most of the responsibility for childcare and domestic life and we agreed this before having a baby (and stuck at one ).

I totally agree with the comments about fathers' careers not changing!

I'm a consultant and my company are pretty good at giving mums who return from mat leave an "easy" project to ease you into the first few months (particularly as I'm in a country where most mums go back to work when baby is 3-6 months old).

So the first 9 months I could easily do mornings and evenings, no impact on DH whatsoever.

Then I got given a project where for a month I had to work until midnight most nights. DH took over all the evening pickups, not easy but he understood that it was necessary. Then my project got extended another month...he continued to help but I did have to tell my work that I was no longer available 5 nights a week until midnight...

I spoke to a professional coach who says shes sees many many female consultants who end up resenting their partners, because the women's careers are heavily impacted (first by maternity leave then by childcare) whilst their DH's continue to advance at a normal speed (particularly noticeable as many couples are in the same job and often met at school so the woman can really see where she has lost out in career progression).

DH and I sit down every Sunday evening to see who has meetings when and who will do the mornings/evenings each day. It can also change last minute if one of us is stuck in a meeting. I do appreciate how flexible both of us can be.

Elle, I'm assuming you are Asian, apologies is I'm wrong. I completely get where you are coming from about the cultural expectations placed on families. Half of my neighbours and childrens friends are Asian and MILs do absolutely loads, a lot of people live with their MILs.

My advice would be to think long and hard about it. It could be brilliant, and I would definaitely talk to her about it at afuture date, especially if you decide to use a nanny as she may be very upset if she is anticipating you asking her.

A couple of things I have picked up from my asian friends and issues they have had:
do you want your child to be brought up with similar views as your MIL, a couple of people I know wanted to break what they saw as the 'little prince" concept of the boys in the family, and the subsurvient female that is present in some Asian famlies (obviously not all). Are y as religious as your MIL? If your MIL holds these views and looks after yr DC they will massively be influenced.

Also will she be doing it for a sense of duty, rather than because she wants to, in which case yu must seriously question where this duty has arisen from and should you allow it to happen?

My neighbour chose to live a few streets Way (rather than in the same house) as though she likes her MIL she didnt want to be at her beck and call for everything and be indebted to her.