How to broach the subject of childcare with MIL?

[ElleDubloo]

I have a brilliant MIL who I get on with swimmingly. She's delighted I'm pregnant and really excited about having her first grandchild. We live 25 mins away from her (we're actually currently living at her house, because we're having work done to our bathroom). We might move in with her more permanently when I'm due, to have her help with the baby in the early days.

I'd like to broach the subject of childcare, but I'm not sure how to do it sensitively, and without looking like I'm taking advantage of her. TBH, I'd like to take 6 months maternity leave and then return to work full-time, and it would be amazing if she would volunteer to take on all the childcare after that. It's a big ask. She has a part-time job as a teacher, which she has hinted that she doesn't enjoy very much.

Is it reasonable for me to ask her whether she'd like to quit her job so that I can go back to work?
How should we recompense her for the loss of earnings? Could we offer to pay her (because we'd rather pay her than pay a childminder we don't know) but would she take offense?

Would be great to get everyone's thoughts on this :)

OwlCapone - I think it'll be an absolute joy looking after my kids full-time. But I love my work. Is that so hard to understand?

I think you're perhaps a little naive, and don't yet fully realise what a huge responsibility caring for a child full time is.

I think a lot of posters are wondering why you'd just expect your MIL to give up paid employment to take over care of your child when you have plenty of other options available?

Oh, so MIL childcare threads normally get so heated? Now and then. There was another MIL childcare thread earlier, from the Dil's point of view. Ironically.

but how will you know it will be 'an absolute joy'? it might not be.
and lots of mothers love their work so it is not that difficult to understand no need to be patronising.

I think you've made up your mind.

And I don't think you're prepared to consider any more options.

I'm staggered that you've not been thinking about this before now.

Requesting flexible working is a legal right, even in really really important, proper jobs like your dh has
Getting it of course is another matter, but the more people ask....

I think your best option is full time nanny with mil helping. Ie if you need to be gone 7am-7pm maybe nanny could do 7am-7pm 3 days a week, and 7am-3pm the other two. With mil looking after baby just 3-7pm x2 days a week plus the odd night shift

However you can always be flexible. Everyone can, the law is on parents side. My dh is a lawyer and has managed to be flexible/ start late / or finish early on days to accommodate family life as I also work full time. He has been promoted twice since we have had children so Jo affect on work.

All I can say before I bow out is thank fuck you're not going to train as a GP. You have about as much empathy as a cushion. If you're determined to pursue medicine as a career, you may want to consider specialising in surgery where an ability to demonstrate compassion isn't that important.
I'm being totally serious.

You asked for advice and you've been rude, dismissive and frankly petulant and brattish because you haven't heard what you want to hear. Just yuck frankly. And yes, I'm out of this thread. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and in resolving your childcare issues.

Elle - I sincerely hope that your bedside manner is better than this, because you are coming across really condescending.

I worked in a corporate firm. I've seen it all. The all nighters. The VCs who decide to invest on ridiculously short timescales. The private equity houses who decide to totally restructure the deal and not move completion... Flexible working is what you make it, and what you make the effort to make it. I know one father, for example, who decided to move to a PSL role to support his wife's career. That's at the extreme end of the spectrum, but I also know parents of both sexes who have to leave the office at certain times, put the kids to bed and pick up remotely at 7.30 and into the small hours.

Good to know that you'll be giving up your job to care for your MIL should the time come though.

And FWIW, this isn't about MILs to me (or I suspect most others). That was a wee joke I think. I would have responded the same if it was your own mother or any family member.

OK, I'm more than likely closer to your MiL's age, but I retired early and no longer work. I thought about it long and hard when I read your post and decided that I would NOT want to look after a grandchild full time, paid or not. Of course, I would do it if it was absolutely necessary to my children's job security & they couldn't truly afford childcare or if there was no safe alternative, that's just what grandparents do. But I'd expect them to exhaust all reasonable alternatives first. And I'd love the occasional babysit or overnight. But I've done my time and now am enjoying leisure and being able to take off for a drive or a trip at the drop of a hat.

That's just me (and frankly, my own mum felt the same but always made herself available for emergencies). My darling late MiL, on the other hand, watched DS2 (DS1 was already in school) from about 6 months to around aged 2. But, she asked us if she could when we started talking about my return to work, we didn't ask her.

My advice would be not to ask directly, but to start discussing professional childcare alternatives around her & see if she offers. If she doesn't offer, she isn't interested.

It's not about the money. I'd rather pay someone all of my salary and have the chance to continue with my career

Wait until baby arrives. Again you might change your mind.

When I was pregnant with ds I looked on childcare quite practically but didn't really think about how I would feel about returning to work. I just thought I'd go back and carry on.

Now my career matters less to me. I want to do stiff I enjoy but not fussed about climbing the ladder. I want to be with my children more.

It's a huge ask of mil....she may not love her job but I'd wait until she offers. Maybe when you talk about return to work with her she may say she will help out.

Full time? No. Mixture of child-minder - nursery and grandparent, maybe. it's really hard work to look after a 6 month old full time.

This isn't something you ask your parents to do. They offer if they are interested.

Don't put her in the position where she has to say no if she doesn't want to do this! Its unfair.

And I work in one of the crazy client groups that Penguins mentions (sorry penguins ) and I now work flexibly and so does DH.

Here are a few practical considerations to throw into the mix.

1. What happens when more GC come into the mix, either yours or DHs siblings? Your MiLs time is not on a first come, first served basis and she would want to treat everyone equally. If she cares for GC1 then she would have every right to do the same for the next GC because it's about the GC, not about the parents. It would be setting her up for a huge amount of pressure in the future IMO.

2. Have you thought about things like illness and holiday? Asking her to care for your DC ft would mean you would have to coordinate your holidays / time off at same time. SE would lose all independence. How would you manage if mil was ill?

3. What kind of person is she? If you were to ask her would she feel guilty about saying no and could you be certain she meant it if she said yes?

FWIW I think it's very unfair to ask, this kind of help should be offered so as not to put mil in a difficult position when it wasn't her who chose to have the child.

You will also change dramatically when you have the baby. You just don't know it yet.

Ha ha BusinessUnusual. I loved you all really. Well most of you .

Yes I might change my mind when the baby comes.

Yes we're happy to pay for childcare. We're not using my MIL as a free option. It's just one option.

Yes we are naive, as this is our first pregnancy and we're both in our twenties.

Yes I am taking all the posts in this thread to heart, even though I don't reply to everyone who posts. I'm finding it all eye-opening and useful advice.

Yes I will do whatever is necessary when my parents and parents-in-law become ill, including giving up my job.

We do have a lot of thinking to do, but we're only 7 weeks pregnant so I don't think it's too late I think I'm actually planning quite far ahead.

BTW OddFodd - I wasn't mean at all until I got annoyed by the snide comments. I have a great bedside manner to my patients. You're not one of my patients. I don't have to be nice to you.

I am 19 weeks pg so thinking about this at the moment.

Of my four friends who have had their first babies before me, all of them changed their minds about childcare after the baby was born.

3 of them were all going to go back to work after 6 months maternity leave- 1 went back after a fulll year at home, 1 went back pt after a full year at home, the third became a sahm) and the fourth friend was going to become a sahm and instead went back to work full time when the baby was 4 months old.....

I have learnt my lesson from this!

Basically, anything could happen and I won't know until the baby is here, so I'm going to play it by ear.

Suggest you try posting this in the family forum on Disney, you would get more supportive/ helpful replies.

Sorry incorrect- doctorsnet, not Disney...

Elle - it worked for me. My mum looked after my DC so I could go back to work F/T. Now I look after my GC's - I love it. I also looked after my DP's when they needed it.

Maybe you could see if she would have DC initially when she is not working, and see how it pans out. Good luck x

I don't think it is out of the question but there are so many things to consider.

Paying your MIL, can you afford to replace her current salary plus pension?

What happens if she is ill short term and what happens if she isn't capable long term? These conversations are really hard to have with a family member.

What if you don't like the way she looks after your child.

Think about when you little one is 18 months rather than a cute immobile baby or a reasonable 5 yr old. Will she want to deal with tantrums and running off and potty training.

What happens if you have another child and she either doesnt want to or can't anymore.

What if she has other grandchildren to see or would like to go on a long holiday.

If I was in your shoes I would get childcare for most 9-5 type working and hope she offered to help out for overnights or antisocial hours. You'd be surprised how much a kind helpful MIl would be great for when you want to paint your kitchen or pop to the dentist or buy new shoes or any number of extra things.

Also if she is looking after your child all the time she may not want to see you so much on a social level put side this.

All the best, it is hard to sort out childcare.

Armadale

I intended to take six months each time and I did!