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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Scans without DH/DP

41 replies

CrispyFB · 12/09/2013 15:58

It's extremely rare for DH to be able to come with me for scans, as not only does he work full time, but with no family/friends nearby we need him to look after our other DC.

I actually don't mind really at all going on my own. I find it easier to concentrate and ask questions without DH there. This is DC #4, pregnancy #7 and having had high risk pregnancies with every DC apart from the first, I've had more scans than I can actually count.. including some with bad news.

But one thing I have noticed is that nearly every scan, I am the only woman in the waiting room without somebody (usually a DP/DH but not always) with me.

So am I a bit of an anomaly then? Are people thinking I'm a bit odd for having no-one with me? Is it the expected thing to have support there? I've started to feel a bit self-conscious in waiting rooms of late!!

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/09/2013 16:00

By 3rd time around DH didn't bother coming to my scans.

I think it is usual for both parents to attend if they can.

vvviola · 12/09/2013 16:08

For both my pregnancies, DH came to the "big" scan (20 wk anomaly scan) and that was it. He was at no other appointments or scans. Didn't bother me hugely. He wasn't even able to come to my very first appointment/scan on DD1 as he was abroad at the time, so I brought my Mum, but after that I just went on my own.

I think if it doesn't bother you, then I wouldn't worry about what everyone else is doing.

Sleepthief · 12/09/2013 16:08

I have been having scans every two weeks to monitor my short cervix (this is also baby no. 4 ) and DH only comes to the really big scans - 12 weeks and 22 weeks - and has done throughout all my pregnancies. I know what you mean about being the only woman in the waiting room on her own, but I think that's understandable - I wouldn't want to be own my own facing bad news, but you do what you've got to do

ChunkyPickle · 12/09/2013 16:14

DP hasn't come to any of my scans this time around (DS1 had to come to one though.. which wasn't ideal) - I'd say most of the women have a partner with them, but I've seen lone women there fairly often.

The Midwife clinic the same - quite why someone brings their partner for a blood pressure check and a pee dip is beyond me though (OK, no it isn't - perhaps there are concerns, or they need a lift or something... but it's just surprising to me how many partners are there)

elcranko · 12/09/2013 17:14

My DH came to the 12 & 20wk scans but that's it. I went to all of my MW appts alone. I also had another scan at 21wks as at the 20wk one they weren't able to measure the spine as baby lying funny. DH wasn't able to come as he couldn't get the time off work again. My mum happened to be off that day and so came with me, but I'd have gone alone if not.

greentshirt · 12/09/2013 17:24

My DH is just going to come to the official scans, I dont need him to come to any of the midwife appts with me, esp early on. Maybe later if theres anything to worry about.

My friend is a scanning midwife so I have been lucky to get onto the end of her scan list at 6 weeks and again tonight, he hasnt been to any of these, its just a quick in and out. He said earlier, 'oh you are going to get the baby papped later arent you?' lol

motherinferior · 12/09/2013 17:26

I think it's unusual but I also think you sound very clued-up about scans. It's the people who think it's just a chance to get an advance look at the baby "to get to know it" who are the ones who're making a mistake.

I do hope your next scans go well

Original poster

CrispyFB · 12/09/2013 17:27

DH came to my first DC's scans, but it was easier then as there were no childcare issues! The DC have come along to the odd 3D "vanity" scan and having seen how restless they are there, they definitely don't come to any others. My oldest at nearly 7 has been to a couple of scans this time out due to school holidays but I was 99% sure they would not have bad news for various reasons.

The first scan he missed with DC2 was when I had the worst news (first trimester losses aside) and was told I would deliver within 48 hours unless I had surgery that evening. It was a bit, uh, upsetting but I coped fine. Not having to worry about somebody else meant I could focus on making decisions.

I sometimes wonder if by having such bad news at that scan that I feel that if I faced that on my own, then I know I'd be okay in the future. I never feel like I need any support.

DH isn't particularly fussed about coming to the scans either which is part of it - I am sure if I insisted he would find a way to come somehow though. I am a little envious that their partners want to come, but that's different!

I also don't understand the partners at the routine midwife appointments either.. obvious reasons aside, maybe they're at home for some reason or bored, or just particularly invested in the pregnancy!!

OP posts:

AnotherStitchInTime · 12/09/2013 17:28

I went on my own to my anomaly scan today, DH had to look after the kids.

littleoaktree · 12/09/2013 17:32

Dh came to my scans with dc1, he came to the first one with dc2 but not the anomaly one as he was 'too busy' I was a bit upset that he didn't want to come and felt that I was the only one on my own in the waiting room as well but actually it was ok and if there ever was a dc3 I don't suppose he would come to any of them.

Original poster

CrispyFB · 12/09/2013 17:35

Yep, I think DH would come along if we knew we had something to worry about in advance (i.e. previous bad news) - I think we both just hope for the best for all the others!

Thanks motherinferior! Having been on the rough end of an anatomy scan AND an NT screening before, I always cringe a bit at the people going on about how they're going to find out the sex, or just see the baby with no mention whatsoever of the real reason for the scan. Or perhaps I am just envious of their naivety..

I've got my NT scan for this one tomorrow and (hopefully) Harmony results too so it's been playing on my mind a lot recently!

OP posts:

Viasabat · 12/09/2013 17:40

My DH has come to all my scans, this is our first after 7 years of trying and lots if fertility treatment. So we are probably a bit over the top.

ShatnersBassoon · 12/09/2013 17:44

DH didn't come to all of mine. I wanted him to keep his time off work for when it would be more useful.

Original poster

CrispyFB · 12/09/2013 17:54

Viasabat - Congratulations!! I am not surprised your DH is coming along.. I'd expect him at the antenatal appointments too after that long a wait!!

ShatnersBassoon - I totally agree - even if DH can wangle it so he didn't need to take holiday days, it's better to save the "goodwill" for later in case it's really needed.

I should probably clarify I obviously have no issue with DPs/DHs being there for other people, for most people it's going to be preferable that they have someone there for whatever reason really. I was more wondering if I was the odd one and if people thought I was weird when I'm sitting there waiting on me own!

OP posts:

ZingWantsCake · 12/09/2013 17:55

congrats on this pg!

you are not alone.
we have 6 and had a MC.
although DH did come to most - he missed some (work mainly, also illness).

in fact I myself missed one, because i forgot!

I understand if it makes you feel a bit sad or lonely but I don't think people will judge you or him.

can someone else go with you for support and keep you company?

Hodgies · 12/09/2013 18:05

Mine has been to the 12 and 20 week scans for all 3 butnot routinely to any of the other scans. I had a scan at 32 weeks with the first 2 as the placenta was lying low and I ended up with lots more with #2 as that scan showed he was breech. I've had 3 scans in the last 5 weeks with this baby as I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 30 weeks so have had lots more appointments.

H has never been to any of the midwife appointments unless necessary. Although did end up at my 12w one this time around as they did it after the scan and I was glad he hadn't been to any others as he was mega grumpy at having to wait lol.

I do feel like people are looking when I'm at appointments or scans alone as the vast majority do have partners or even their mum with them but in all honesty I'm happy to be there without anyone. The appointment at the diabetic clinic last week was 3 hours long and I'd had to get my dad to take me as I had no car that day and it was awful. I kept apologising for how long it was taking and thinking he would be pissed off. If I'm on my own I don't need to worry about it!

MrsBungle · 12/09/2013 18:08

My dh didn't come to either of my 12 week scans although he made sure to come to the 20 week one. Didn't bother me at all. He couldn't get out of work.

gemmaj66 · 12/09/2013 18:33

DH came to my one and only scan (it was 20 years ago) and also to several midwife appts when I was pregnant with DC1. Mainly because we were both in a state of either feverish excitement or anxiety throughout the whole pregnancy and he didn't want to miss anything! We'd calmed down a bit with DC2 and 3 and he just came if he could.

With DC4 (I'm currently 18 weeks) I told him not to worry about coming to the first scan as he's only got 4 days hols left this year and I thought he might need the time off for something urgent in the future. As it turned out, of the 5 women waiting only one had her DP there so you're definitely not alone Crispy

Hope it goes well tomorrow. Good luck with the Harmony results. Our screening tests have identified a possible issue but we've chosen not to go the amnio route so the anomoly scan is going to be a worry. Couldn't care less about the sex, just alive and in one piece will be enough for us!

PumpkinPie2013 · 12/09/2013 18:49

This is my first baby and DH has been to my 12 and 20 week scans. Even though it's my first I am well aware that the scans are medical and you can get bad news so I was glad to have him just in case (thankfully all is well so once we knew that it was nice to see our baby together)

We are very fortunate though that he was able to take time off to come as lots of people can't or have other children.

He doesn't come to routine appointments and won't be coming to the anti-D clinic tomorrow as wouldn't be able to take time off plus I don't feel the need for him to come. I do notice a lot of couples at routine appointments though when I'm on my own.

LostMySocks · 12/09/2013 19:12

DH came to the 12 and 20 week scans as he wanted the pregnancy to seem real (my bump came late) and to be there to support me. I had to have a growth scan for a small bump measurement but as we weren't expecting problems we decided to save his hols for after the baby.
DH did volunteer to come to booking appointment as he heard the word hospital. After I explained that it was just paperwork he realised all would be ok.

Original poster

CrispyFB · 12/09/2013 19:28

There's nobody else who could go with me really! When I had a late amnio last pregnancy a friend came with us to look after the DC so DH could come in with me, but that was obviously quite exceptional.

In an ideal world it would be great if he could come to every scan but logistics combined with no particular desperate need on either side (hoping for the best each time!) means it doesn't happen!

Glad I am not truly alone in being alone though

OP posts:

NomDeClavier · 12/09/2013 19:35

DH comes if he can. He's made around 50% of all scans over both pregnancies. He only came to one MW appt with a specialist MW and I guess that'll be the same this time too. If he wants to come he's very welcome but tbh I don't need him there so I don't see the point of him taking the time off work. I do want him there meeting the specialist MW and any other appointments which would mean decisions as a couple - like discussing whether to induce or not, not that I've ever got to that stage but if I did them I'd expect him to have something to say too.

ZingWantsCake · 12/09/2013 19:54

oh and another thing,if you are worried about what the couples there assume about you - don't be.

when DH was there with me we were so busy catching up it barely registered that there were other people around.
I certainly didn't sit there judging and wondering why XYZ was alone!

hth

MaddAddam · 13/09/2013 09:41

I've been on my own sometimes, we had 3 dc and several scans each time, and it seemed something I didn't mind doing on my own. If there had been a problem I'd have phoned DP and he'd have joined us.

He's a very involved father, he's always done half the childcare but we tend to do the caring stuff in shifts, not together, during the working week, to maximise time off between us.

FobblyWoof · 13/09/2013 10:20

I've seen a few ladies come and go by themselves and although I notice (there's little to do in a waiting room but people watch) I never make assumptions about their personal lives and what has caused them to come by themselves.

I did see a poor woman the other day with her dp/dh. They were off for a scan and judging by her size I'd say it was the 12 week kne. She looked so nervous and worried (so much so that I was hoping to make eye contact and give her a reassuring smile, which totally isn't like me-- I'm quite shy) and all the while her dp was chatting on the phone with his mate. Even when they were called through he kept chatting- hanging up at the last minute. His partner did not look impressed. I don't wonder about the ladies who come alone but I often think about that particular lady and wonder how.much support she's getting.

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