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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

DH would abort but I wouldn't........help!

219 replies

Bloo · 25/04/2006 20:04

My DH really took me by surprise - he was asking at what stage we take all the tests for DS etc etc. I said that we should only have them if we would potentially act on the results as they come with some risk. to cut a long story short, DH said he would want to abort if the baby had DS. I am mortified. Has anyone else been in this situation>

OP posts:
skerriesmum · 27/04/2006 18:30

Did you have all your babies in Holles St? I didn't have a great birth there but the postnatal staff were lovely.

chipmonkey · 27/04/2006 18:36

I watched that too! And then ds3 was born at 32 weeks by emergency CS. just before the CS they mentioned "informing Unit 8" and I just thought "Oh My God, I'm having a Unit 8 baby!" he was bigger than most of them though!

chipmonkey · 27/04/2006 18:37

I had 1 bad birth there (semi-private) and 2 excellent births (private) Go figure!Wink

skerriesmum · 27/04/2006 18:55

Did you have all your babies in Holles St? I didn't have a great birth there but the postnatal staff were lovely.

moondog · 27/04/2006 18:58

Cal,am really surprised that you of all people use such coarse and inappropriate terminology.
'DS people'
'DS person'

Shock Shock

I think you mean a woman or people with DS.
Putting the DS before the person makes the DS more important than the person which is just plain wrong.

Original poster
Bloo · 27/04/2006 20:02

I find the most disappointing thing, is that I started this thread in the hopes of learning from the experiences of others to help me handle this awkward and difficult situation as well as I possibly could in a supportive environment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloo · 27/04/2006 20:06

Trifle - this is not your soap box and while I do understand what you are saying, it might have been generous of you to acknowledge freedom of choice, the existence of wonderful people with SN, many of whose parents are on mumsnet as you well know and hence can only assume you are trying to be antagonistic on purpose?, as well as the potential difficulties of a life with severe disabilities.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloo · 27/04/2006 20:07

Trifle - you are obviously a very 'black and white' person, which is great but there are times when you need to be sensitive to others. I'm not talking about myself here, although I do think your initial post was quite rude and aggressive (perhaps it was just the way you worded it) but you have clearly offended people on here and haven't apologised. You don't have to have a different view, just be astute enough to know when you have crossed the line with someone (reasonably or unreasonably - it's irrelevant) and apologise for any upset you have caused.
As for everyone else - this is very emotive, I know that and I really don't know what the solution is but please lets not have a slanging match - life is too short.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloo · 27/04/2006 20:07

sorry that's in 3 bits - it didn't like it all at once!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloo · 27/04/2006 20:09

now that I've had my rant - thank you everyone for sharing their stories - it has been hugely helpful and things have cropped up that I didn't know and actually make a huge difference and possibly will to DH too. xxx

OP posts:
Caligula · 27/04/2006 20:23

Oops sorry MD I'm not used to using the terminology. We don't often discuss her DS because it isn't the major thing about her - we've got used to it after 30 odd years. Although I'd argue that it is the defining thing about her in terms of her choices, opportunities, relationships etc., absolutely every aspect of her life is defined by her DS. But that's probably another thread.

corblimeymadam · 27/04/2006 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifle · 27/04/2006 20:45

Bloo - I hope things work out for you and that you dont find yourself in the difficult position of having to make a choice. I rather hope the posts have been thought provoking and allowed you to consider angles which perhaps you didnt want to consider previously. Certain subjects will always be thought provoking and emotional with people feeling the need to defend their choice but thankfully choice is the one thing that modern technology has given us although it is a double edged sword as the more information we have access to the more decisions we have to make.

Original poster
Bloo · 27/04/2006 21:01

Sorry Trifle but I find that a bit patronising - I am fully aware of all aspects of SN from both sides of the 'argument'. My initial post was regarding a difference in opinion between myself and DH and how to resolve that.

OP posts:
Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 27/04/2006 21:02

people needing to defend their choice? What choice? For most parents of disabled children there never was a choice, it's just part of life.

I think everyone on here with a disabled child understands that everyone has a choice to continue with any pregnancy or not, and that people have their own reasons for making any decision. It's the morally wrong/selfish to have a disabled child that people are disagreeing with.

I'vbe been thinking about the elderly couple with the 50 year old who have never been out. If they've wanted to go out in that time I think the fact they haven't says more about lack of support from other family members/friends/neighbours etc- which is far too common, and they could have got help from SS with that- OK its a battle to get the right help, and it takes time, but it can be done.

Original poster
Bloo · 27/04/2006 21:04

This thread was not the time or the place to throw things on here for 'effect' or on 'principal' - not mumsnet friendly. Nothing you have said has been thought provoking, just ignorant.

OP posts:
Peachyclair · 27/04/2006 21:16

We chose not to have the tests much to the annoyance of MW etc (we had already had a blood test which showed as high risk). Now, I have worked with DS kids and already have an AS kid so I know I would be able to deal with it. However, my Mum aborted a baby after rubella beause she knew she couldn't deal with (the profundly disabled if he or she survived at all) and that's a valid choice too. the difficulty I guess is when you differ and Is uppose there is no right way forwards. Personally I would have the blood tests then discuss anything like amnio after, hoping to God I didn't need to. I guess, if you would rather care for a DS baby on your own than abort then your ndesires take preference because you are the primary carer; if however you couldn't cope without him, well then you haev some really hard thinking to do.

Peachyclair · 27/04/2006 21:17

(And I am sorry oif I put the DS first.... I hope youa llrealise that's not a bias just a phrase. I have Sam, I can see way beyond the diability and forget others can't always)

Oblomov · 27/04/2006 21:18

I am posting in reference to Bloos last-but-one post.

The thread has diverted due to Trifle.
To answer the original question - not very well, I'm afraid:-
I can only suggest talking.
Dh and I did and we fortunately agreed on what route to take.
But it was very interesting that we both had many , many reasons that affected our preference.
I am assuming you and your dh will both have many, many factors.
HTH

Trifle · 27/04/2006 21:19

If people want to sweep the effects of having a special needs child under the carpet then more fool them. The harsh reality is it is not easy and life will be affected forever but some people are so blinkered they dont look at the long term prospects. What exactly were you hoping to gain from your post anyway apart from a load of clucking about how it's not the same for men blah blah blah. You are never going to get parents of DS children coming on board and saying 'actually it's a bloody nightmare'. The reality is they are going to defend their child to the hilt. For me the reality is that if you choose to have a child with DS can you really look at your friends NT children and not wish that you had one like that, can you cope with the sympathetic nods that people give you, can you accept that when your friends children are out with their mates, going to college, getting their first job/home/travelling the world/getting married/having children that you dont ever look at them and just wish that your child could do that too.

Peachyclair · 27/04/2006 21:21

Um

Sam is a bloody nightmare

but i love him to bits and that makes it OK.

And aI think you'll find many a thread to that effect on here.

stapo1 · 27/04/2006 21:29

Echo the thougths of thankfully the majority on here. The birth of a child is a personal choice right for you & your family.
I find trifles opinions on morality offensive. I think Bloo asked for advice from people in a similar experience not the one sided opinions of the ignorant.
As a taxpayer I am very glad that a very small portion goes to support those with SN like my son.

onlyjoking9329 · 27/04/2006 21:30

i for one don't sweep things under the carpet, and i know i have very realistic ideas, i also have 3 kids who happen to have autism, they are well loved and respected by everyone who knows them they do not "suffer" they are happy and i am incredibly proud of them all because they have to work so much harder to achieve things, and unlike you trifle they do not judge people, they do not say or do hurtful things. they accept people for who they are, i really do wonder if you trifle can say the same things about your children given the views that you are spouting.

Socci · 27/04/2006 21:34

OMG just caught up with this thread. Trifle, I am speechless at your brazen disregard for the feelings of others on this thread, especially those who have children with special needs. You clearly don't give a stuff that you have upset eidsvold and others with your ill informed cr@p Shock Angry

What do you mean "defend their children to the hilt" - that reads like you think a child with a disability=bad.

Do you actually have any experience of bringing up a child with special needs because it sounds as if you don't. You are saying essentially that disabled people don't have a right to live, do not enjoy life nor do their parents and that NT children are worth more.

Well let me tell you if my NT daughter grows up thinking views like yours then I will be thoroughly ashamed of her!

If it was not blatantly obvious that you are deliberately trying to upset people then I would pity you.

LeahE · 27/04/2006 21:35

In Trifle's first post people who chose to continue with a pregnancy knowing that the child would be disabled were selfish and thinking only of themselves.

In her latest post people who choose to continue with a pregnancy knowing that the child would be disabled are deluded and not thinking enough of themselves.

I guess that this is "thought-provoking", in the sense that it provokes the thought "Huh?".