VERY Shocked father!! What do I do?

[lilly40]

Hi,
I'm 40 and found out I was pregnant on Monday. Told the father on Friday and he was horrifed, saying he is too old, cant afford it, and worse, it will destroy him!! He said he is sorry to be negative, but is in shock. Ive said I wont have a termination and cant do this on my own.
I've not spoken to him since Saturday morning.
What am I going to do?
This wont just change his life. I'll have to sacrifice a lot too.

What's the situation? How long have you been together? Do you have other children? Do you want a child?

We've been seeing one another for about a year and a half but only casually. I have a teenager and not sure if i want a child, but dont want an abortion.

Congratulations!
He may get used to the idea, unplanned pregnancies can be a shock for both of you, but when he has time to think about it he may start to feel pleased. Does he have any children himself? How old is he?

He has grown up children himself, and is 43. I don't know if he will get used to the idea. Saying it will destroy his life really hurt me.

Tough situation. I would advise you to leave him to his own devices for the moment and focus on yourself. There's no way anyone should ever push you into having an abortion - that should be a decision you make entirely for yourself. It could be that he's just in shock, but if he's not supportive for the time being then you need to find support elsewhere. Is there anyone in real life that you can talk to about this?

The father of my baby had a similar reaction and put me under a lot of pressure to have a termination. I said that wasn't an option, took him to pregnancy counselling so he would feel he had been able to discuss it, he agreed it wasn't an option and I haven't heard from him since! I am now 4 days overdue waiting to go into labour.

You have to make your decision based on what is right for you and the baby. That is just the reality of women carrying babies.... That men don't really get a say when it comes to whether to go ahead with a pregnancy or not. How would you feel if he did the same as my baby's father? Could you do it alone? The pregnancy has been fine for me, I haven't missed him. Not sure how it's going to be when I have the baby. Very hard I imagine but also very rewarding (I hope!!). I will let him know the baby is here but the ball is in his court. He isn't contributing financially which makes things a bit tougher, but at least it doesn't muddy the waters. Either he s involved or he isn't.

I know what an emotional roller coaster it all is... Just try and figure out what you want, then he will have to deal with it. Or not. Best of luck.

Well if he wont take part and you dont want an abortion you will have to face the idea that you will possibly have to do it alone if you want the baby, other than abortion is adoption. All depends on how you feel on the subject.

FWIW his attitude sounds selfish, so id be hurt too

Unfortunately if he really doesn't want to be involved then you may well have to do this on your own.

Whilst you can ensure that he fulfils the financial obligations to the baby in terms of maintenance, sadly you are unable to force him to have any kind of emotional relationship with your baby.

Hopefully he will come round, but I think ultimately you need to plan for what you are going to do without him :(

Ive spoken to a couple of friends about this. I feel so crap thinking I might have to do this on my own. Even though I brought up my son alone, I did not think I'd be doing it again.
We get on so well, chat and laugh for hours, and this just seems to have silenced us.
I've not heard from him since Saturday, when he said I can ring him or he'll ring me. I'm waiting for him to ring me.

This is a really tough situation for you. I wouldn't pay too much attention to what he says, it might just be a shock reaction. And in this day and age 43 isn't really that old to be a father again. You shouldn't be pushed into a termination by anybody. Will you cope OK financially or is this another great worry.

Thanks all, for your comments. I havent heard from him all weekend. I'm feeling very tearful and scared for the future. Feel very alone :-(

Thank you Asmywhimsytakesme
I'm scared and worried about finances and how I'll afford everything. I'll check out lone parents who are pg.
:-)

My DP freaked out when he found out, left me for a month or so and then came back. He's now very excited. He may come round, give it time. I know what you are going through and its awful.

From a legal point of view, he has to support his child. So sorry he's putting you through this.

lilly40, I guess the transition from having a fun relationship to becoming a committed father was just too much for him? I know that you get to a certain age when you feel that you have put your parenting years behind you and are now looking foward to some freedom, extra cash and a bit of fun.

Of course you probably feel the same way and unlike him, you can't just walk away from this, you have to face it and deal with it.

I would perhaps write him a letter. Tell him that you understand what a shock it must be and that it's equally a hard shock for you too. The thought of going through all those years again can be immensely depressing. But tell him that this is not a problem that you can walk away from. He may be able to bury his head in the sand, but you both knew that having sex may lead to a pregnancy and now you have to do the adult thing and talk about it.

Tell him that for you, personally, an abortion is not something you can go through with, although this doesn't mean that you are happy about the pregnancy at all, it's just a decision that you cannot make and you hope he can respect this.

Say you want to discuss this with him, that you miss the fun and laughs you both used to share and that whilst you understand if he doesn't want the commitment of another baby, you do deserve some respect from him at least. This is not an accident that only affects one of you, this is something that will affect both of you so you both need to talk about it as hiding will not make the problem go away - and you have to shoulder this far more than him.

Give him that chance to get in touch. If he doesn't respond or doesn't want anything more to do with you then I'm afraid you really will have to reassess your options. At least you know now, if he's the kind of man who refuses to face up to problems and refuses to shoulder responsibility, rather than further down the line when you fall in love with him.

If you really don't think you can manage on your own with a baby but don't want an abortion then you can always consider adoption. It's just another option that is out there. But if you do decide to keep the baby, you never know how things might turn out but it could be the best decision you ever made. Life has a funny way of doing that to us sometimes.

I hope he comes round x

THErhubharb thank you so much! Ive still not heard from him :-(

You may have to bite the bullet here lilly40. Don't wait for him to get in touch because he will deny it whilst he can. You need to force him to confront what has happened. Tell him that you understand what he must be going through and you are going through the exact same feelings, but you cannot walk away from it whereas he can. Ask to meet up one last time if needs me, just to give you both a chance to talk without recriminations. After all, what has happened has happened and there's no point in dwelling on that side of things further.

If he refuses to meet up with you then you'll just have to tell him that whilst you would have liked to have included him in all the decision making, instead you will make the decisions by yourself and that you are glad you discovered what kind of man he was sooner rather than later. He'll only get to know if you've decided to keep the baby should he receive correspondance from the CSA.

If he won't behave as an adult there isn't a lot you can do but thank your lucky stars that you got out whilst you did.

On the positives, having a new baby may open up opportunities that weren't there before. You may make lifelong and supportive friends and your social circle may well expand. Yes it will be bloody hard work, but you are older and wiser and bring experience into it this time. You will cope and will be a stronger person for it. If he doesn't respond then he's lost out on a fantastic and amazing woman and his life will be all the more empty for it.

Best of luck and do let us know how you get on, I'll be thinking of you.