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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

VERY Shocked father!! What do I do?

113 replies

lilly40 · 30/09/2012 16:56

Hi,
I'm 40 and found out I was pregnant on Monday. Told the father on Friday and he was horrifed, saying he is too old, cant afford it, and worse, it will destroy him!! He said he is sorry to be negative, but is in shock. Ive said I wont have a termination and cant do this on my own.
I've not spoken to him since Saturday morning.
What am I going to do?
This wont just change his life. I'll have to sacrifice a lot too.

OP posts:

iwishiwasalittlebitfitter · 08/10/2012 08:58

Wow... he could have thought about that before having unprotected sex. What a coward. The age argument is rubbish, you will be tested when you have your scan and you can decide if you want an amnio to be sure. What an impossible situation. Good luck with whatever decision you go for. xx

PrimaBallerina · 08/10/2012 08:58

Just wanted to say how much I feel for you Lily. Pregnancy makes everyone feel a bit vulnerable, even those with a supportive partner.

This man may or may not come round and want to be involved with your child but I doubt you can do anything else to influence him.

Hold your head up high - even when it hurts - and surround yourself with as much RL love and support as you can. Join an antenatal group if you can so you'll know plenty of other mums when the time comes.

Your baby is lucky to have a mum who wants him/her so much despite such tough opposition.

Original poster

lilly40 · 08/10/2012 09:06

Thank you all so much. I'm feeling so desperately lonely right now. I'll listen to all the advice, and take it all on board. He hasn't even asked how far pregnant I am, not that I should be surprised. I really thought I knew him :-(

OP posts:

Stonefield · 08/10/2012 09:23

I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult situation.
I can appreciate that you don't want a termination, and as other posters have said no one can force you into taking that decision.
However, posters have said it's purely your choice, your decision, people also say that how dare he not take responsibility when he's had the audacity to have unprotected sex. If he's expected (and I think he is) to shoulder at least half the responsibility then I also think he should be involved in the decision making. I hope that you both can sit down together and really talk and listen to each other's opinions and reasons . Whatever you decide your choice will have an effect on a lot of people's lives, not just mother n baby n father but the other sons n daughters.
I feel for you, I really do and I hope he can get over his shock and at least be able to talk it all over with you.

ZuleikaD · 08/10/2012 09:36

Were you having unprotected sex or was one of you taking responsibility for contraception? Not that it really makes any difference in the long run, but he may feel as though you were trying to trap him, or as though you weren't honest about what you wanted out of the relationship.

He's not correct about something being necessarily wrong with the baby because of your ages. I'm 42 and pg with DC3 who's absolutely fine. I'm sure your scans will show that you're fine too.

In any case it seems pretty clear that he won't be involved and the relationship is done. I would have a chat to the Citizen's Advice Bureau about what you can enforce, financial-contribution-wise, and put it to him. I can appreciate that this is a very hard time for you - it's always horrible to find that your trust in someone has been misplaced - but I would strap on your pride and meet coldness and hardness with your own. Speak to someone about what he will need to do financially and put it all in a letter. A solicitor's letter if necessary.

Dogsmom · 08/10/2012 09:38

What a nasty piece of work!

Yes there are risks but they are high-ER not a given, I'm 37 and should have been 1:112 for downs but it came back 1:5300 and I've read many posts about women who have very low odds too.

If i were you I'd send a text saying you've listened to his opinion and although you are very disappointed you agree that he would bring no benefit to his childs life by being in it but are sure he understands that he does still have a financial obligation and in future it would be best if any communication was via csa or solicitors to avoid upset.

He definitely does need to pay his share, not as some kind of revenge but because babies are expensive and it's only fair he contribute.

Does his other child know?

elvislives2012 · 08/10/2012 09:54

What an arse!! It takes two to have sex and as an adult he should know that a side effect of sex is pregnancy!!! It sounds like you are well rid of him tbh and better to find out sooner rather than later.
It's up to you what to do, you shouldn't feel pressured either way. He isn't able to just wash his hands of the whole thing because, financially, he is responsible.
Good luck and thinking if you xxx

Original poster

lilly40 · 08/10/2012 10:10

His two other children don't know nothing about this! I asked him if he had told anyone and he's told nobody.
One of his comments was 'the child will be bullied when two old people turn up to the school, and they'll say oh are they your grandparents'.
How dumb is that???

OP posts:

PickledFanjoCat · 08/10/2012 10:18

Hi Lilly

Just wanted to say something.

I know you have a lot to think about but do many people are older having babies now. I had ds when 35 and I'm now pg with ds2 who will be born at 38.

My 39 and 38 year old good friends are also pg.

When I went for scans I expected to be the eldest there, I wasn't I was average.

He is talking shite on that point. I know you have a lot to think about. Hope your ok.

NarcolepsyQueen · 08/10/2012 10:39

I am 39 (almost 40) and pregnant with DC3. Everybody that I meet with little ones are in their late 30's or early 40s. Perhaps it is down to the demographics of where you live, but please don't think that you would be unusual at 40! What a dissappointment he has been to you - you are so much better out of the relationship and his fair weather attitude. You CAN do it on your own if you want. Hugs.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 08/10/2012 10:44

Lilly whatever happens here, you WILL be ok. Don't worry about things for the baby...you can get lots for free on freegle and freecycle...there's even a thread on MN where people will send things to you that they don't need anymore.

Look after yourself and the baby...your DC will have a sibling which is a very special thing.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 08/10/2012 10:45

The child will NOT be bullied about your age! My sister is 50 and has two 9 year old twins! Nobody every says anything!

difficultpickle · 08/10/2012 18:47

Lilly you sound better off without him. I hope you have some RL support to get through this. Ds's father said much the same (I was 39 and he was 44). We had known each other as friends for 10 years before we got together. I was shocked when I discovered how little I really knew him.

AbigailAdams · 08/10/2012 19:15

Oh Lilly what a horrible misogynistic man he is. First of all don't worry about anything being wrong with the baby (which was a truly terrible thing for him to say). Secondly your child won't be bullied about your age. I had older parents and I'm fine and I didn't get bullied at all. It was never a factor or even mentioned. I am also another one who had a baby at 40 and so far no-one has batted an eyelid. I have 2 perfectly healthy children with their father who is older than your ex. Yes the risk is higher but you would think that everyone aged 40 had problems conceiving/giving birth/disabled children when in fact the truth is that most people don't.

As for financial support get on to the CAB, speak to your midwives/HVs etc. there is help out there.

Emotionally MN is always here. Do you have any good friends? A good antenatal class may help you meet other mothers who will be giving birth around the same time as you.

Best of luck Lilly. You sound lovely.

berni1310 · 08/10/2012 19:52

hya lily,
Sorry for the delay i've been at work today, I live in norwich. How about u? Have you heard anything from him hun?
I am meeting up with the baby's father on saturday to talk just hope he doesn't try and change my mind as there is no way I can consider an abortion as I said earlier plus I am feeling very pregnant, kind of scared but also excited just wish my kids could understand.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 08/10/2012 20:53

What a total pig!
Please dont let him influence you in your choices. He doesnt deserve that right.

Original poster

lilly40 · 08/10/2012 22:59

berni1310 Hope the meeting goes well for you. Don't let him bully you. Lets hope your kids will understand in time. Once the baby is born, they will bond with him or her and I'm sure all will be ok.
Thanks all for all your lovely kind and supportive comments. I'm still in absolute shock at his reaction and how cold and heartless he has been. I thought I knew him, but I realise with his behaviour, that I really don't know him at all.

OP posts:

lolo99 · 08/10/2012 23:00

Hold your head high and carry on- you have a very special life on its way :)

My baby father (aka Manchild) has stamped his feet and told me 'no no no'- and never contact me again (as I previously posted) but as my weeks progress I just feel pity for him being such a completely weak tosser when he is meant to be a grown man. His loss and I expect it will always be on his conscience. Good luck- there is lots of support on here and quite a few of us (unfortunately or fortunately) in the same boat xx

Original poster

lilly40 · 08/10/2012 23:09

Thanks lolo99 its quite scary knowing that I'm doing this on my own, but reassuring (unfortunately or fortunately also) to know there are a few of us as you say in the same boat. Its reassuring reading about other older mothers. I say that and think, wow, I'm only 40, which isn't old,and I certainly don't feel old lol

OP posts:

SundaeGirl · 08/10/2012 23:22

Lilly, I wouldn't get in contact with him but if he gets in contact with you it might be worth trying to be forgiving. I totally hear what you are going through and I reckon he's going through some less well thought out version of it, just with no RL support, no MN support and no feeling of any control over his life. (You do at least have options, he doesn't really).

I suppose I'm just saying that now you have established beyond doubt that he is not The One, then it might just be worth focussing on keeping the door open enough for him to change his mind about being involved with your baby.

glossyflower · 09/10/2012 09:02

Hi Lily.
I wanted to say whilst my situation is very different to yours, I think give it time and he'll come around.
I've been with my husband for 4 years and knew he was the one so I'd been bleating on and on about having a baby.
I was approaching 30 (am 32 now) he's 5 years younger so he naturally felt he wasn't ready for a child.
In July I fell pregnant, and as naive as it sounds it honestly was a silly accident. We had run out of condoms but I had this iPhone app where I was inputting my periods and according to the app I wasn't ovulating. I showed him and said it'll be alright but as it turned out it wasn't!
Well I dreaded telling him when I found out because then I thought it looked like I had done this deliberately.
He was shocked and was not ready and just said that we'll have to get on with it. Every time I mentioned it he would just frown at me.
Now you would think I would be overjoyed but because of these circumstances I felt terrible and I was really upset to find out I was having a baby!
As now I'm 12 weeks, he came to the scan and I think he's more excited than I am - I have had a difficult few weeks with hyperemesis so been too ill to enjoy my pregnancy but my husband has already bought our baby it's first bear and he's really happy. He now jokes that I trapped him and I say I'm going to sue the app maker!
So all I can say is that whilst your partner is finding things difficult, give him time. Still try and involve him in the pregnancy, ask him to accompany you to appointments and things, but be honest with him. This situation is not ideal for you either,especially the possibility of doing it alone, but it takes two to tango and he has to face up to the responsibility of another child one way or another whether he likes it or not.
Just remember even if he decides in the long run he doesn't want to be involved, you have support of your friends and family to help you, and us mumsnetters will always offer support so please don't feel alone.
As for finances, people keep telling me that babies don't cost as much as you think, there'll always be people giving their baby things away.
I have also heard that having a baby later on is much easier, don't know if that's true but still exciting times ahead, just you and your baby
Xxx

xmasevebundle · 09/10/2012 19:28

It realllyyyy fucks me off when 'men' say abort the baby. Im sorry but maybe you should of been aborted! I hate abortions, its killing your own child and that dont sit to well with me! Anyway!

Hes a bastard(sorry), he will have to pay for the baby when its born. Hes not a young lad in his 20s hes a fully grown man. Maybe he should of though about this before he started having unprotected sex.

Mindless adult springs to mind.

berni1310 · 09/10/2012 20:34

hey lily,
Thank you for your kind words of support and encouragement xx It does help me to know that we are both of a similar age and in a similar situation. I feel less alone in this as I hope you do. I am so sad to hear how your partner is treating you. Right now you need to concentrate on you, take good care of yourself and baby. Do whatever you can to not think about things to much as it only causes stress and worry. Congratulations on your pregnancy xx

Original poster

lilly40 · 10/10/2012 08:43

Was taking some time out yesterday and sat against an old oak tree in a huge field near me. I've been feeling very down, tearful and lonely. I was sitting down with my arms beside me, and moved them onto my stomach and said to myself, OMG I'm pregnant, I'm actually going to have a little one. I felt excited, and am really looking forward to the baby arriving. I feel so very very sad about its father. I realise now that our relationship is over. We are such good friends, and I know that this part of our relationship will never recover. I'm so shocked that he has behaved like this, and never thought he would. Makes me realise that I didn't know him as well as I thought I did.
How can a man say that he doesnt want anything to do with his child and will live with the knowledge that he has a child out there that he has nothing to do with?
Its so heartening to read all of the comments made by lovely mumsnetters. Thanks guys for making a trying time a little easier xx

OP posts:

glossyflower · 10/10/2012 09:30

Good on you girl! Xxx

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