VERY Shocked father!! What do I do?

[lilly40]

Hi,
I'm 40 and found out I was pregnant on Monday. Told the father on Friday and he was horrifed, saying he is too old, cant afford it, and worse, it will destroy him!! He said he is sorry to be negative, but is in shock. Ive said I wont have a termination and cant do this on my own.
I've not spoken to him since Saturday morning.
What am I going to do?
This wont just change his life. I'll have to sacrifice a lot too.

Lily40 - I'm pregnant with my 3rd - and i work on a maternity unit, 40 is nothing we see older mums all the time and no one blinks and eye and believe me complications are very rare so please dont let his words scare you.

my first baby i was on my own from 3mths pregnant until I met my dh when ds was 5 and although it was hard not having a support network around me, i found it easier in some ways as i didnt have to consider someone elses feelings when it came to names, disciplining, schooling etc.... and at the end of the day i didnt have to share the truly amazing moments with anyone - the kisses, hugs and love yous, first steps, first words etc...

you are all your child needs xx

glendathegoodwitch thank you so much for your post. That really brought a lump to my throat. You are so right about not having to consider someone else's feelings etc. My son is 17 and I've brought him up on my own since he was 1. I sincerely did not want to be a single parent again, but will if I have to. Its convenient that the man can just decide he doesnt want anything to do with his child, but the woman doesnt have that choice.
As a woman anyway I could not live with the fact that I had a child out there that I wasnt caring for or seeing. Still trying to get my head around my ex and his thinking??

Just spoke to my nephew who's 22. When I told him what the babies father had said he asked me if I'm making the right decision keeping the baby??
Why is bringing up a child on your own scorned upon?
Feeling very strange and sad :-(

It's not Lilly! Not at all.

What you are doing is the hardest option. You have nothing but respect from all is us and the scorn should be saved for your cowardly ex.

what does a 22yo bloke know about having babies?

I also doubt that a 22 year old man/boy is basing his opinion on anything concrete (unless he has a family already I supposed).

What I found out about being pregnant is that all you thought you knew for sure when you were not pregnant does not really apply anymore... you are the one carrying the baby and no one else can decide for you how you want to deal with it.

You have not decided to have a baby alone, you just happen to have a baby with a man that does not want to know (for now), he is scorned upon, not you.

I don't have any experience of this but I wanted to say Lilly that you are brave and fabulous. Well done for standing up for your baby and for being so strong. Was lovely to hear about you binding with the baby under the tree! I wish you all the best and pray you'll enjoy every moment of motherhood second time round xx

Bonding!

Lilly, I just wanted to send you my best wishes and hugs, and another note on the age thing.... both my grandmothers were 39 when they had their first, and then 42/43 with their second. This was late 40's early 50's and very common due to the war. They both lived to a ripe old age too - more to live for? Im a primary school teacher and believe me kids have no idea about age in the playground! We're all about 100 but happily accept that we are '21 again.' I find older parents are more chilled out generally too, plus my memory of friends who had older parents was that due to being more easy going (no less strict just calm about things) we all viewed them as v cool plus those were the parents who allowed more parties one of my closest friends has just embarked on ivf aged 41, she's only been with her partner 2 years, and I, and several friends currently pregnant are all 35-40. First child!

You've really got to focus on yourself, your little family and your own choices, how you feel about going forward and ignore everyone else, it needs to be black and white for your own resolve and sanity.

Glenda's point is a lovely one too, whilst I don't doubt how hard it is to do it alone, it can also be difficult to negotiate with a partner or fully rely on them. Another friend's DH was recently diagnosed with bi polar following years of bouts of depression. He's a very successful professional but struggles to cope with the pressures of his job at times. My friend has had to simply function as if she is on her own because she couldnt handle the occasional role reversal of DH/dad to another person to care for. she asks him to literally say when he is able to be there or not (in mind and effort, they live together and are very happy) when not he needs to spend a lots of time sleeping and doing his own thing. When he's well its great, when not they manage as everything has to continue. My point is, there is no right and wrong or ideal numerical family unit, other than one that is close and supportive and full of love. Xoxo

Had a very scary time today. Noticed (sorry if tmi) brown discharge and had stomach cramps. Phoned NHS Direct who advised me to go to hospital asap. After waiting 3 hours, and giving blood and urine, I had a scan. The pregnancy is not ectopic which they feared. AND I got to see the babies heart beat pumping away. Awesome!! Everything is all ok and I'm collecting a cot I bought for £11.61 lol from Ebay tonight. So what my ex says about not being able to afford it is a big pile of poo! lol

Thanks again guys for all your replies, it sooo reassuring to read others accounts and interesting too.

brilliant news, phew! God knows what must have gone through your head during those three hours!

I got most stuff given or lent to me for the baby, it did not cost the £3K that mothercare tries to make you believe/budget. Ebay and charity shops are the way to go, also worth trying freecycle and your mumsnet local.

3k??? What a load of balls!

i think that was in the Bounty book actually.... with furniture, pram, clothes... the lot! Still, it seems bonkers, unless you get everything brand new and expensive.

Thats what they want us to spend! Bloody hell!

Mind you its certainly possible, I was looking at moses baskets online and some of them were hundreds of pounds. Daft.

Got to go for another scan on Monday. A friend is driving me up and coming to the scan with me too. I can't wait to see if everything with the baby is ok and to see it on the screen again.
Is it wrong to really want a girl?

Just to say, on the older mother thing, I've had both mine in my forties, dd1 at 41 and dd2 at 43. No-one has EVER asked me if I'm their Grandma (I'm 48 now, maybe that time will come!). Your babies father sounds an utter tosser. Quite alarming to think he works in a caring profession actually. What an idiot. Good luck with the scan.

I have read the whole thread this morning and it drives home that there are some incredibly selfish people. And how far women still have to go in their struggle. My mother has a 6 year old daughter, she's nearly 50 now and one thing she says is she'll keep dying her hair!!! And for wanting a girl, no its not a bad thing to want. With my first I really wanted a girl but I have had years helping mum with my youngest sisters. I had a boy and I was terrified. Pregnant again and would love a girl, for the change but equally I would love having a boy too :)
I think your immensely brave, not only have you had to suffer the loss of a partner but undergo a radical re-visioniong of the future. You are much stronger than many people out there. All the best and warmest wishes to you and the other women experiencing the same as you. In fact cheers to all pregnant women :) x

Was looking at how my baby will look on a week by week website this morning, and realised that I don't have to consider the fathers opinion when it comes to naming the baby. I can name the baby whatever name I want without having to consult him. I did not have that luxury when my son was born 17 years ago. My ex husband who I left for DV, registered our son when I was still in hospital. He told me what his name was and I cried as I had had no input into his name at all and just had to accept what him and his family had chosen to call him.
I don't have that choice taken away from me this time, and I'm so happy. Yes, I'm still scared of doing this on my own, but, I've got my friends around me and you lovely mumsnetters x

43 is hardly ancient!! My friend is pg at 43 and her husband is 47

What's too old for one person, is young for another. It doesn't matter that others have babies over 40, he clearly doesn't want too start again (op said he has grown up children). I am 39, youngest 4, I don't want to start again!

he could have thought about that before having unprotected sex

That's a bit of a leap isn't it...op hasn't said either way if it was a contraception failure or not, so I don't think it is helpful casting aspersions with no info.

OP, I hope it all works out for you. My friend became pregnant with her 3rd by accident & the father was great until about 4mths in. Then she never saw him again. She kept him up to date with what was happening, sent texts/emails etc but nothing. Then a year ago, after 10yrs, he got in touch & now the child has met him, older siblings & the rest of his family.

Good Luck!

he clearly doesn't want to start again

Make sure this fucker contributes to his child's upbringing, even if he is happy to have nothing to do with him/her.

Just as a data point I will be 40 next February and am expecting my second child next month (my first is now 2). Nobody has said a word about this other than the fact that the government covers chromosomal abnormality risk testing costs if you are over 36 here in NL. Yes as you get older you have a highER risk of having a child with a chromosomal abnormality, but it is still not what I would call HIGH in the way that your baby's father intends it. After the tests mine came back with the same risk as a 15-y-o mother. I have a cousin who had a child with Down syndrome when she was about 25.

If the worst thing that happens to your child is getting teased for having an older mother, s/he will be doing ok!

i'm sure your nephew means well but he doesn't know s* about this sort of thing! If the father wanted to keep the child and you didn't he would no doubt be pressuring you the other way!

Reading the last message about the father wanting the child then no doubt he would be pressurising me the other way made me cry! I'm sad that the father of my baby does not want anything to do with him or her. I have a special and precious life growing inside me and really struggle with him not wanting his own child?
I don't know if that is something I will ever come to terms with. I've still not told my son or some of my family members. I don't know why I want to wait, I just do. I'm not ready to share my news, and if the truth be known I'm embarassed of my situation :-(

Hi Lily, just wanted to post to wish you congratulations and support. My situation is not dissimilar to yours- except I'm now nearly 28 weeks along. I'd only been seeing the baby's father for a few months- it was pretty casual but we took a risk with contraception on one occasion and against all expectation, with me at 39 and him at 52, I fell preg. He has been separated from his wife for 5 years and assured me it was totally over, he just hadn't bothered with the "paperwork" ie divorce. However, when I told him I was preg, what was the first thing he said? "Oh my God. What am I going to tell my wife?"

So after that fine start, I'm going it alone- even though I've also brought up DD1 alone and am in my third year of litigation with my narcissistic ex-H. I didn't want to do it all alone agAin, but nor did I think I would be blessed with another child after wasting my 30s with a total prick. And you're right: there are upsides. I'm having so much fun on the Baby Name board this time, unlike last time where ex-H also dominated the process. And don't get me started on how he made me sleep on the couch throughout my third trimester as I "took up too much room in the bed and he needed his sleep more than I did". This time, I've got the whole bed to myself

I empathise with your feelings about telling people. I also felt v sensitive about this and have had all manner of intrusive and frankly offensive questions. But I've got a healthy baby growing inside me, I know I'll get thought this, and I no longer give a toss about what many people say. Good luck.