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Original poster

VERY Shocked father!! What do I do?

113 replies

lilly40 · 30/09/2012 16:56

Hi,
I'm 40 and found out I was pregnant on Monday. Told the father on Friday and he was horrifed, saying he is too old, cant afford it, and worse, it will destroy him!! He said he is sorry to be negative, but is in shock. Ive said I wont have a termination and cant do this on my own.
I've not spoken to him since Saturday morning.
What am I going to do?
This wont just change his life. I'll have to sacrifice a lot too.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilly40 · 03/10/2012 08:10

Ahh thank you to all who have commented. I am absolutely petrified as I've still not heard from him, and am thinking I'm going to have to do this alone! Keep worrying how I will cope both emotionally and financially. :-(

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kellykettle · 03/10/2012 08:33

Have you posted on lone parents? There will be lots of good advice?

Did you try writing him a letter?

My first pregnancy was unplanned and I remember the feeling of shock with suck clarity. I was overwhelmed, frightened, nauseous and obsessed with the bad timing (2weeks before DH and I got married).

It did take me a few weeks, maybe even months, to get over the shock and feel excited. Like you, I knew I wouldn't have an abortion but it took me a little while to feel excited.

By the second trimester I was fine, had figured stuff out, knew I could do it.

You'll get there, it's a big shock and a lot of change but if it's what you want you'll find a way to manage.

I hope your DP comes round, I can sympathise with his feelings of shock but not his lack of communication. Leave him to it.

Good luck!

spandau1980 · 03/10/2012 09:19

Its called making you feel like shit and scared so ul panic and say i can't do this... wat a knob
listen having a termination won't keep him ul resent him big time
if he leaves ul resent him
u need to focus on what you want...everything else will work out but pls don't be bullied
try try not to focus on him ...
Big hugs x

margerykemp · 03/10/2012 09:39

Don't chase him. If he wants to walk away, let him. Much better having a stable line patent than a feckless one who's in and out a child's life only showing up for the good stuff and screwing up the child psychologically in the meanwhile.

Can your teenager help out?

Will you be able to go back to work and pay for childcare/housing?

How far along are you? If pre-3 months you will have a high risk of miscarriage in your 40s so don't worry too much til then.

daytoday · 03/10/2012 09:58

I think, as many posters have said, that you must decide for yourself what is right. Even if he had been ready for the news - whose to say that the relationship would stay together. Lovely if it does, but its not a certainty is it? Even if you are married.

I do think you need to give him time to get his head round it. Its big news - be kind and sympathetic. He is being very honest with you which is far better than spinning you lies with no real commitment.

Is he scared of having a baby? Did he have a bad childhood? I have two male friends who don't want children because of their own childhood.

THERhubarb · 03/10/2012 13:20

Oh lilly40 I'm so sorry you feel this way. Don't be scared. Look, having a second child is so very much different from the first. You are older, wiser and more experienced. You have an older child who can help and who would probably love to get involved! Some of your teens friends will also be willing babysitters.

You know, he's probably hoping that you'll call back and tell him that you've had a termination, but look he's hardly been Mr Supportive has he? Even if he went into shock, you'd think that at least he would have been in touch to ask how you are. Please don't spend any more of your time worrying about him as he's obviously not spending his time thinking about you.

I would work on the assumption that he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. This may or may not change, but given his attitude I think you really ought to call it a day with regards to your relationship.

Focus on the positives - think about what I said in my last post about having a new set of friends and a new social life through the baby. Don't assume that having a baby this time round will be the same as last time - it won't.

You've done it once before, you can do it again and this time it's easier.

We never know what life is going to throw at us next, but sometimes we just have to go with the flow and when we look back, we realise that although it seemed devastating at the time, things did actually turn out for the best after all.

Original poster
lilly40 · 07/10/2012 14:05

Its been over a week now, and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm very tearful and feeling very alone. :-(

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Original poster
lilly40 · 07/10/2012 14:12

I've still not heard from him and its been over a week now. I'm tearful, frightened and feeling very lonely :-(

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dietstartstmoz · 07/10/2012 14:15

Oh lily, he sounds like he is behaving like a prized prat. Well done for not contacting him in the last week, do u have any friends you can get support from in rl?

GoldShip · 07/10/2012 14:19

You poor thing! But congrats though, I know it might not seem a good thing now an your world is upside down but I really hope there's a shining light for you.

I can understand he's in shock and didn't expect nor want this, but he's a grown man and should do the decent thing and support you as the father of the baby, if not partner.

Hope things go okay xxx

zippey · 07/10/2012 14:27

Im sorry its been like this, but if you say abortion is not an option to you, then keep strong and have faith that you will be fine. Many people have to go through this on their own. Do you have a supportive family around you? What about his family?

To be honest, he does sound quite worried, and maybe he thinks if he doesnt get in contact the problem might "go away"? Have you thought about giving him a text or phone to see how he is? One line - maybe that will break the ice. You dont have to mention the pregnancy in the first text - might scare him off!

Good luck!

Original poster
lilly40 · 07/10/2012 14:52

I'm in shock too, more so that we got along so well, then this happens and I don't hear from him for over a week.
I have family but they live about a 2 hour drive away, and I have only met his brother a couple of times.
I've just sent him a text saying 'hey hows you?'

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zoeymlucas · 07/10/2012 15:14

I did it on my own at 18 as a termination wasn't an option for me either, I ended up being very poorly and having a baby at 28 weeks who was registered disabled at birth! Yes it was hard work and at times I had to sacrifice my needs so he had everything he could ever want but it was worth every second and now when I look at him and he smiles or tells me he loves me or even is kind to others I know it's because of all the hard work and wouldn't change any of it for the world.

My advice is prepare for the worst of doing everything on your own that way you won't be disappointed and if he does help its an bonus - you will get csa I know not ideal but it helps and remember its double the work as you know but double the love and rewards and you are that whole baby's world!!! Xx

Original poster
lilly40 · 07/10/2012 15:24

Its reassuring hearing all the messages of support from you all. I've spent the majority of today just crying and feeling very lonely.

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dietstartstmoz · 07/10/2012 16:03

Lily as others have said he is a grown man, not a teenager he should be supporting you as the father even if he is in shock. Its ok to be upset you are being treated badly but hold your head high.

lolo99 · 07/10/2012 16:39

Sorry to hear about your current situ Lilly. I am in the same boat although our 'casual relationship' was only 5 months in. The baby dad pushed and pushed for me to abort and in the end I couldn't. I am now 22 weeks and absolutely 1oo% pleased I didn't abort. He refuses any contact and has even told me that he will do me for harrasment if I contact him (yes he is a complete co*K) which I have only really found out through this situation. I hope you are able to make the decision based on you and no pressure and guilt from him. I am so glad I didn't listen to the 'get rid and we will have a future'- no we wouldn't have had and I would be childless too.
keep strong.

Dogsmom · 07/10/2012 16:41

Aw, I've been following this thread since you first posted, I'm sorry he's being such a shit, you deserve so much better.
There's no excuse for his behaviour, yes he's shocked, scared, worried etc but not half as much as you, he's an adult and should man up and take responsibility.

On the plus side at least you have found out his true colours now and not when the baby is here so although he has devastated you he can't devastate your child by walking out on him/her.

Guys like him give men a bad name, you and your baby will have a wonderful life together, he is the one missing out.xx

Original poster
lilly40 · 07/10/2012 19:39

He hasn't replied to the text. I went out for a walk and sat down to ring him. He didn't answer the phone, and it went straight through to answer phone. I'm actually shocked by his behaviour, as I thought I knew him better. He's a social worker, who works with special needs adults, so you'd think he'd be more compassionate??
I feel so much love from the postings on here, and thank you so much xx

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GoldShip · 07/10/2012 20:03

What a nob. And a poor excuse of a man. I'd be ashamed if I were him

berni1310 · 07/10/2012 20:54

Hy Lily,

How far along are you? I am in a similar situation and am 40 on saturday. I am 10 weeks today, I am in a very new relationship and he doesn't want me to have the baby, I don't know whats going to happen but like you I cannot go through with a termination; I have been forced into having 2 abortions before by ex partner over 10 years ago and have never gotten over the guilt and sadness. The hardest thing for me is my two eldest children 22 and 24 are disgusted with me and have stopped coming over and say they want nothing to do with me or the child, this is breaking my heart I feel so alone and isolated and really miss my kids.

difficultpickle · 07/10/2012 21:06

Ds's father had the same reaction but then started showing an interest, coming to scans. However by the time ds arrived (several weeks early and very very poorly) he wasn't interested. Came to the hospital when ds was 10 days old to go with me to register the birth and I haven't seen him since. He did pay for a while but then changed careers and now hides his income. He pays via the CSA but very little indeed. We spoke two years ago and he referred to ds as the 'non-aborted foetus'.

Ds is 8 now. He misses having a father in his life (I'm a very single single parent!) but most of the time is fine about it. It hasn't been easy but ds's start in life means I know I can cope with anything life throws at me. Financially it is tough but I have a good job (had to go sideways from a job I loved) and ds has a very good scholarship to a weekly boarding prep school that he loves (he boards a couple of nights a week but will increase that as he gets older).

It is really really scary to think about being a lone parent. I didn't know any when I was pregnant and that hasn't changed in RL (there are plenty of us on MN). I have good friends and support that certainly helped in the early years. I've found that I need a lot less support as ds gets older.

Good luck. It has been hard but I wouldn't change what I've been through for the world. The journey I had in life before I had ds was great but the ways he has enriched my life I could never have predicted.

xmasevebundle · 07/10/2012 21:27

I think at this time, your emtions are everywhere

If i was you, i wouldnt message him again. Leave him too it, its easier said than done. But what are you gaining from ringing/texting him and still get no reply? Making you even more upset.

You might have to do it alone, so many other women have as well and done a great job.

Its your life not his!

Original poster
lilly40 · 08/10/2012 08:30

Hi
I'm almost 6 weeks. I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament my lovely. Where abouts do you live?x

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Original poster
lilly40 · 08/10/2012 08:31

Sorry, last message was for berni1310

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Original poster
lilly40 · 08/10/2012 08:33

He texted me last night saying he isn't answering his phone, as I won't like what he has to say. I battled for a bit, then I rang him. He basically said that he does not want this baby, and asked me to have an abortion. He said that he will not have anything to do with the baby, and won't be a part of its life. He also said that due to our ages there is a high chance of the child having something wrong with it. He said he can't afford it, and won't do it. He said he won't be buying nappies etc.
As you can imagine I'm devastated!! I feel so alone and so scared for what the future holds.

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