Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Baby's father wants me to get an abortion

122 replies

PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 18:40

I posted before about finding out I was pregnant while I was travelling. I have finally told the father. I only got back end of last week and, rightly or wrongly, wanted to tell him person. So I did today and he was really shocked. He really wants me to have an abortion, says it's not fair on him or the baby if I go ahead, that it's one day of my life compared to the rest of his. I am now 11 weeks and did think about a termination but could never have done it. I had a horrible one without any anaesthetic when I was 22 in Hong Kong and felt awful emotionally for ages after. I am now nearly 37. This pregnancy was in no way planned - I was never sure I wanted kids and never thought I would want to do it alone - but it's here as we both messed up, didn't use contraception and now I have to make the best of where I am. I also own my own home and am financially independent so there is no reason to have an abortion.
But this is a HORRIBLE situation. I feel really sorry for him, but I can't give him what he wants.
Am I being selfish?
Sorry, could really do with some objective opinions as obviously my parents are biased in my favour.
Thanks Mumsnetters

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 18:43

I told him I wasn't asking him for anything but he said that's not the point, he's a nice guy and he won't be able to not be involved.
What a mess :(

OP posts:
Bearcrumble · 08/03/2012 18:48

I don't think you are being selfish at all. If he wants nothing to do with seeing the baby that's his choice but you sound secure and sensible enough to do a fine job as a single parent.

scarlettsmummy2 · 08/03/2012 18:52

it is entirely your decision, not his. And also, why is his right to say he doesn't want the baby, more important than the babies right to life?? do what is best for you.

Flisspaps · 08/03/2012 18:52

I don't think you sound selfish - I think he bloody well does though.

You sound like you can manage perfectly well without him, if you want this baby (which it seems you very much do) then tell him to stick his suggestion up his arse Smile

Bibbo · 08/03/2012 18:55

If he's that dead set against becoming a father then he was a very silly boy not to pop one on the end

and he is wrong that it is 'just one day' of your life, actually it is the whole of your life

agree with bearcrumble, you sound as if you will cope fine with parenthood and if he wants a role then great - if not you and your LO will be fine

IAmBooyhoo · 08/03/2012 18:57

i think his time to make the decision whether to be a father or not was when you were having sex. everybody knows how babies are made, he cant have gotten to this stage of life without knowing exactly what the risks of no contraception are and that once he has had unprotected sex, the decision about whether a baby is born is no longer his.

beebee1978 · 08/03/2012 19:06

It could be just shock. When my mom (37 years old) told my dad (57 years old) she was pregnant with me he told her to have an abortion and they were in a relationship. She couldnt do it .He turned out to be a wonderful dad and husband to my mom. Not saying that will happen but it's all so different when the baby is born, feelings change. Wishing you all the best. Xx

henrysmama2012 · 08/03/2012 19:10

It's sweet of you to feel sorry for him, but you shouldn't be - he's the one asking you to terminate your unborn baby!! - you are going through so much and it must be a very hard time for you. Like other posters said, he knows about the birds and the bees and how babies are made, now the baby has come along, and he needs to face up to that. And if you want this baby, don't for a second consider an abortion just because he wants it.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 08/03/2012 19:46

"One day in your life, compared to the rest of his"?? Shock

Poke him in the eye, what an utter twat! Seriously, he doesn't deserve your sympathy!!!! Angry

GavisonandOn · 08/03/2012 19:49

He sounds incredibly immature and self-centred.

BillyBollyBandy · 08/03/2012 19:51

You sound wonderful, he sounds like a cock.

You are not being selfish - he could have used a condom, he didn't.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/03/2012 19:51

How old is he?

You should do what is right for you - you can afford it and I'm sure you will be great.

minceorotherwise · 08/03/2012 20:07

Well, given that you have nothing invested in him emotionally, nor financially, I think you should try and distance yourself from his feelings so that they are not affecting you quite so much.
Certainly they shouldn't have any influence on your decision, given that your life will not actually change in regards to him. Either way you are not going to be with him,as I understand it.
Yes, it's fine to feel bad that he feels trapped I suppose, but that's the limit of what these feelings should be...you feel a bit bad.
I don't think I would be making any life changing decisions based on him.
You have to take charge of your own life, make your own decisions and stick with them

MysteriousHamster · 08/03/2012 20:13

It's not just one day in your life though is it, you might think about it every day after (some don't obviously, but some do!).

You're not selfish at all to go ahead with the pregnancy. Maybe he'll come around given time.

AllShiney · 08/03/2012 20:17

It's a horrible situation which is making worse but you can't control his reaction here.

All you can do is make it clear that you are having the baby and that is not up for discussion. Tell him it's up to him to accept his responsibility in this.

You've had longer to let this sink in and there is no need for you to be in touch just now so let him have some space maybe? Hopefully, he'll remember he has a spine and should get in touch when he's got his head around it.

In the meantime, you get your own head settled around what's going on and take care of yourself.

Congratulations!

AllShiney · 08/03/2012 20:19

he's making worse aorry

AllShiney · 08/03/2012 20:19

Sorry! Blush

Char11 · 08/03/2012 20:47

Hi Polly, I remember seeing your first thread when you first found out you were pg. Good to see you are back home and have the support of your family.
I remember the way you talked in your first thread and it was clear from your first post that you wanted to keep the baby and felt you could do it alone.
I agree with what everyone has said - you are not being selfish, he has a choice whether to be involved or not. You must do what is right for you and particularly as you are able to manage alone there is nothing selfish about keeping your baby.
I think Allshiney is right, give him some space, let him mull things over, and maybe he will change his view. If not, you will be fine anyway.
X

goingmadtrying · 08/03/2012 20:52

oh dear Polly i read your story whilst you was travelling and if i remember rightly dependant on dates could have been either said father or a drunken one night stand??! i feel so sorry for you to be in this position as i know from your previous story you were hoping he would be the father, it may be shock but i don't think you can take his feelings into account you sound very level headed and secure in your life, im i right in thinking you actually aren't together in a relationship, this has to be your choice and yours only, his choice is whether he becomes involved he made the choice to be a father when he had sex with you, there is always that chance, good luck with your future you sound like you'll make a great mum :)

lucidlady · 08/03/2012 20:53

Agree with everyone else - you sound like you're surprised but pleased to be pregnant, and you're clearly in a better place to have the baby than you were 15 years ago. Go with your gut - this is YOUR choice. Take care.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 08/03/2012 21:03

The decision to keep the baby or not is yours and yours alone. You have told him you don't want/expect anything from him (which I think is reasonable given that you are making the decision to keep the baby against his wishes and the fact that you don't need his money - different if you needed his help as you both had unprotected (or failed protection) sex). It's his decision whether to be a part of the childs life or not. As you already know, it's not 'one day' in your life - it's a lifetime of regret if it's something you don't want to do - and sometimes even if it is. He's a monumental twat for saying that. I presume you have dates now and know it is his and not the ONS's?

expatinscotland · 08/03/2012 21:09

YOUR decision. Not his, he made his decision when he chose not to use a condom.

And anyone who thinks an abortion is just 'one day' in your life isn't worth consulting when making a life-changing decision like this.

Original poster
PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 21:42

Thank you, thank you all so much. My Mum said he didn't deserve my sympathy too! That is very good advice, to just give him space. Actually, while I think 2 loving parents are best for a child, if he doesn't want to be involved, that is fine. He said I wasn't being fair to him or to the child, but that assumes that every child who is born to a single parent wishes they weren't born, and I don't think anyone really wishes they weren't born. Well, you hope they don't.
And yes, from the minute I found out I was pregnant, while it was completely unplanned, I was happy about it, and although I know it will be very hard, I think I can do this and be a good mother. Maybe that is selfish but so be it. As you say, it's my body.
Anyway, your input has really helped. I don't know why I felt so wobbly after he left. While I never thought he would be happy about this and envisaged him storming out saying he never wanted anything to do with us, for some inexplicable reason I never thought he would demand I got rid of the baby.
I'll message him next week and explain again why I am going ahead and again reiterate that it's up to him whether to get involved or not.
I think I've been in a bit of a bubble, especially being in India, and coming home and facing the reality of this plus jobhunting, the bubble finally burst today.
Ah well, I have told him now at least.
Thanks again for all your very kind words.
xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 21:48

Oh, ChippingInNeedsCoffee, yes, of course I know it's his. There was a very slim chance it was the ONS's as we used a condom but it broke and it was 4 weeks before. Me and this guy used to date a few years ago so stupidly I thought it would be a better option. None of it is what you dream of, let's face it!
I have had 2 scans now. Would NEVER tell him if I wasn't sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 21:51

Laurie, he is 27. We dated a few years ago and stayed mates ish then were in thailand at the same time and I was beguiled by seafood BBQ, midnight swimming and err, the thai ladyboy show

OP posts: