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Original poster

Baby's father wants me to get an abortion

122 replies

PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 18:40

I posted before about finding out I was pregnant while I was travelling. I have finally told the father. I only got back end of last week and, rightly or wrongly, wanted to tell him person. So I did today and he was really shocked. He really wants me to have an abortion, says it's not fair on him or the baby if I go ahead, that it's one day of my life compared to the rest of his. I am now 11 weeks and did think about a termination but could never have done it. I had a horrible one without any anaesthetic when I was 22 in Hong Kong and felt awful emotionally for ages after. I am now nearly 37. This pregnancy was in no way planned - I was never sure I wanted kids and never thought I would want to do it alone - but it's here as we both messed up, didn't use contraception and now I have to make the best of where I am. I also own my own home and am financially independent so there is no reason to have an abortion.
But this is a HORRIBLE situation. I feel really sorry for him, but I can't give him what he wants.
Am I being selfish?
Sorry, could really do with some objective opinions as obviously my parents are biased in my favour.
Thanks Mumsnetters

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Original poster
PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 21:53

Laurie, he is 27. We dated a few years ago and stayed mates ish then were in thailand at the same time and I was beguiled by seafood BBQ, midnight swimming and err, the thai ladyboy show

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jodidi · 08/03/2012 21:59

My eldest wasn't planned and her father wanted me to have an abortion. I came home (I'd been travelling too) and had her with the support of my family. She is a wonderful 12 year old who has never missed out because she hasn't got a father (she does have a step dad now though).
I could personally never have an abortion so I don't think you are selfish at all, I think he is a prick though.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 08/03/2012 21:59

I think it's a good idea to give him a few days then email him, telling him again your thoughts, then leaving it up to him whether he chooses to be involved or not, but don't let him drag you down - don't let him upset you or confuse you.

You need to get on with being excited Grin

Original poster
PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 22:13

Thanks Jodidi - it's always good to hear from people who have been in a similar situation. And ChippingInNeedsCoffee I'll do that. I don't want to meet him again for now as he will only badger me to have an abortion.
I also need to get on with getting to work and saving money - eek! Luckily I have some consultancy starting next week which will tide me over.
It does feel like a bit of a pickle right now but I know in myself that it will work out and I think I will love motherhood actually.

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goingmadtrying · 08/03/2012 22:33

congrats again all the very best :)

PoppyS34wantsgoatscheese · 08/03/2012 22:43

I don't think you are being selfish at all, I think you sound like you're being very sensible and rational. I wish you all the very best for a healthy pregnancy :)

justhayley · 08/03/2012 22:48

Bringing a life into the world is the least selfish thing you can do! It's a hard situation & I do feel for men because at the end of the day the final decision is the women's regardless of how they feel, but having an abortion has to be your choice and yours only. you did the right thing telling him & giving him the option to be involved in the babies life or not, it's up to him what he decides but don't feel guilty for wanting to keep your baby, especially when you sound like you are able to give him / her a good life.
Stay strong - I hope it turns out well for you, youv been blessed with a life ur amazing not selfish Smile xxx

FizzyLaces · 08/03/2012 23:01

If you make the choice he has to live with it. And you have given him the chance to opt in or out. FWIW I was in a similar situation years ago and now have a teen who has her Dad in her life. He said he didn't want to have a child, I chose to go ahead and he chose to be involved after the first two years.

missingmymarbles · 08/03/2012 23:26

you're not being selfish. at the end of the day, you have to live with your decision either way; he can opt in or out, without that much effect on him if he so chooses. unfortunately as the baby bearers we don't have that luxury. you even "gave" him the option - definitely not selfish at all.

Ohforfoxsake · 08/03/2012 23:34

I was once in a very similar position to you.

Be brave and do what is right for you.

You don't regret the children you have.

And as has been said before, you have to live with your decision, no one else.

Besides, what is SO wrong about being selfish in this situation? Are we meant to be so selfless we are compelled to put our partners needs regardless? Sometimes you just have to do what is right for you let them adjust to what YOU want.

Whatever you decide, just do it for you and no one else.

elvislives2012 · 09/03/2012 00:40

Hi. I read your original post too and felt for you at the time. Whilst I agree that if you are happy to raise the baby on your own then you should keep it; I don't agree with comments on here telling you to ignore his opinion. It sounds like an instinctive reaction and perhaps he wasn't thinking. I don't think he's selfish perhaps just frightened? I suggest you meet him again and discuss it. U can calmly explain again your intentions and tell him he doesn't need to be involved. Don't email him. You are both adults and both chose to have unprotected sex. This is an important decision and no amount of emails will fix it.
Good luck though as I'm sure you'll make an excellent mum and try not to let this have a negative effect on your pregnancy-these are exciting times! Xxx

Ohforfoxsake · 09/03/2012 08:07

Couldn't agree more with Elvis.

When I told my (now) DH he ran to the hills. I was 8 months pregnant when he came round to the idea, and he wanted to be the father - although we weren't together.

Assume you are doing it alone, and if he comes on board to be a dad then that is wonderful. If he doesn't, the baby will have one happy parent - far better than two miserable ones together out of obligation.

BTW we went on to have three more and get married. What happens now is only part of your story Smile

lynlynnicebutdim · 09/03/2012 08:50

another vote for Elvis's comments here. My H was in a similar position some years ago. Stupid unprotected sex in a "freinds with benefits" situation. Low and behold the inevitable happened and she got pregnant. His initial reaction was he wanted her to have an abortion. He did not want to be a dad and certainly didnt want to be a dad in that situation (the casual relationship) and he knew that he would never be able to walk away from the baby once it was here.

It took him probably most of the pregnancy to come to terms with the fact that the baby was going to be a reality but once his daughter was born he loved her with every fibre of his being and has been very involved in her life from day one. It has been an awful struggle at times and required innumerute trips to court to get access as the mother felt that if he didnt want to play picket fences with her, he wasnt playing daddy to the baby but i am sure that it wouldnt decent into that for you.

soooo, i guess my message is, dont judge him too harshly for his reaction. It was obviously a big suprise to him, as i am sure it was to you. It may take him a while to come to terms with the situation but by his own admission he does want to be involved. It is just going to take him a while to accept the circumstances of that involvement.

Enjoy your prengnacy, share it with him if he is open to it, but otherwise give him some time and space.

best of luck!

Original poster
PollyIndia · 09/03/2012 09:13

I think I just need to give him space. I guess I could meet him again Elvis, though I don't see the point of having the same conversation again - him saying you must get rid of it, you can't do this to me, it's not fair on me or the baby - and me saying I don't want to do that.
He wanted to come to the hospital with me but only to talk to them about me having an abortion and I am not sure the 12 week scan is the right forum for that conversation!
I don't actually think he is a prick and I know he was just panicking and terrified. I have had 3 weeks to get used to this. I am up for whatever he wants, but he needs to know what I have gone too far into this pregnancy to now have an abortion, that I don't want one anyway for very personal reasons and that if he doesn't want to be involved, that is fine and I will never badmouth him to the child. I have no desire to be in a relationship with him lynlynne, so hopefully that will never be an issue.
Ohforfoxsake, your story is lovely! That is the joy of life, especially when you are true to yourself and don't compromise, that you never know what is round the corner :)
I NEVER thought when I packed my backpack and trotted off to Asia that I would be coming back pregnant!! And I would have been horrified if I'd had a crystal ball, but here it is and actually I am really up for this. Who knew!
xx

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TinkerMaloo · 09/03/2012 09:42

27 is a funny age for men!

You do what you want hun!

He will probably come round and be glad that he has a child eventually, but its a bit of a "time to grow up" call to be told you are going to be a father and maybe he doesnt want to just yet, but he has to at some point. thats his issue though, not yours :)

Original poster
PollyIndia · 09/03/2012 10:46

He has text saying he needs to see me tonight. He will only want to badger me into having a termination I suspect right now so I will respond that I need some time to think about everything and that I will call him after the weekend. Then at least I can say that I have considered his opinion even though I know I can't change my mind. Do you think that's ok or should I say that have made up my mind?

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Original poster
PollyIndia · 09/03/2012 11:16

I said I needed s bit of time to think, he has responded saying there are 'things i need to know'. What on earth could that be?! Maybe he has a girlfriend now and never told me. Or worse. Anyway, am seeing him tomorrow afternoon.

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Flisspaps · 09/03/2012 11:19

Bear in mind that it could be he has some sort of medical condition or a girlfriend, in which case it makes it even more irresponsible of him to have unprotected sex with anyone - or the more cynical could think that whatever he has to tell you is fabricated in order to persuade you to have a termination anyway.

Original poster
PollyIndia · 09/03/2012 11:26

Well, a girlfriend is his issue not mine. I would ever have had a fling with him in thailand had I known if that is what it is. And I think I would know if he had as even though I've not seen him for a year prior to thailand, we are friends on facebook etc.
If it's a medical condition then I guess I need to tell the docs immediately. How to make a stressful situation more protracted and stressful. Though in fairness to him he has only just found out and this is a lot to deal with

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ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 09/03/2012 11:27

I think you might as well hear what he has to say, let him get it off his chest. I seriously doubt it will have any impact on your decision, but if it is something that might, then the sooner you know, the better :(

Original poster
PollyIndia · 09/03/2012 11:28

Never not ever in the second sentence!

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ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 09/03/2012 11:28

Personally, I'd do it tonight and get it over and done with, no point in stressing about it for another 24 hours.

Original poster
PollyIndia · 09/03/2012 11:32

ChippingInNeedsCoffee thanks yes. I have said I will see him tomorrow afternoon x

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kitsmummy · 09/03/2012 11:41

Good luck, personally I wonder if you should try and speak to him over the phone before you meet him. It would be awful if you met him only to have a full on offensive put on you to get rid of the baby. I'd try to get a measure of what he wants before putting myself in a room with him.

Original poster
PollyIndia · 09/03/2012 11:58

Oh Chipping, sorry, cross posted. I am out for dinner tonight. Don't really want to change that. I am feeling really stressed with it all and it's worse when I am on my own. I am going to go to yoga tonight and see my mates for food then tomorrow he can tell me what he needs to. Kitsmummy, you are totally right, and I think I might suggest we go to the pub. I don't think I can deal with having a conversation as intense as yesterdays in my house again.

One of my best mates says maybe I should think about what he says, that maybe I should have a termination as I will probably meet someone and have kids etc and it will be really hard alone.

I know it will be hard, of course it will be. But I created this situation (50% anyway). I need to make it work. And I think I can.

But it's already harder than I ever imagined in my little bubble on the beach in India!

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