Baby's father wants me to get an abortion

[PollyIndia]

I posted before about finding out I was pregnant while I was travelling. I have finally told the father. I only got back end of last week and, rightly or wrongly, wanted to tell him person. So I did today and he was really shocked. He really wants me to have an abortion, says it's not fair on him or the baby if I go ahead, that it's one day of my life compared to the rest of his. I am now 11 weeks and did think about a termination but could never have done it. I had a horrible one without any anaesthetic when I was 22 in Hong Kong and felt awful emotionally for ages after. I am now nearly 37. This pregnancy was in no way planned - I was never sure I wanted kids and never thought I would want to do it alone - but it's here as we both messed up, didn't use contraception and now I have to make the best of where I am. I also own my own home and am financially independent so there is no reason to have an abortion.
But this is a HORRIBLE situation. I feel really sorry for him, but I can't give him what he wants.
Am I being selfish?
Sorry, could really do with some objective opinions as obviously my parents are biased in my favour.
Thanks Mumsnetters

Oh - that sounds like a lovely evening, I just had visions of you sitting in front of the TV stressing about what he was going to say... but as you aren't :)

I totally agree about meeting him somewhere, like the pub, that you can walk out of if you want to. Much less 'intense & trapped'. Also, it's not nice to have those memories in your home, the home that you will hopefully be bringing up your baby in.

Having a baby doesn't mean you wont meet someone else & have more children. However, there aren't any guarantees of that happening with or without this baby. At 37 I would be taking this opportunity to have a baby whilst it was here. That's the 'how you feel about the abortion' issue aside.

It will often be hard, babies/children are :) However, it's much easier to do it alone that with a lot of the partners that are posted about on here!

You don't have to make it work - it is your choice still. But I would :)

i would listen to what he has to say, and maybe text him and say that your happy to meet if he has something different to say and that your hapay to listen but if he hasn't then you think its best to leave it a while so you can both digest the information. good luck with everything x

Just wanted to say I really feel for you, a tricky situation to which I had the opposite 9 years ago (he wanted to keep baby, I didn't but he was happy to support my decision either way. Didn't go through with pg then, but now married with dd1 on the way - life's certainly a rollercoaster!)

Anyway, wanted to second the idea of meeting on neutral ground, much better if you decide the conversation's gone far enough as you can walk away. May also be an idea to get a friend to call at a specific time in case you need a get out clause in place. Hope he doesn't have anything too shocking to reveal, keep being brave & stick to your guns, after all you have given him a get out of jail free card! Good luck tomorrow

Good luck with the meet up. Stay calm and stick to your guns. From listening to you on here it doesn't sound like you want an abortion but only u know how u truly feel. It will be hard but don't forget the dad will have to contribute maintenance payments which will help and is what your baby is entitled to! Xxx

Like alwaysanauntie's idea of get out of jail free!

My DH had a girlfriend. Not proud of it, but that is a different part of my story.

Yes it caused hurt and upset, for which I will always be sorry. I never, ever asked him for anything, or to do anything. I took a chance on him and it worked out. Your story is different, but like me at the time, you have your life and he has his. You are dealing with the consequences of your actions and he must do the same whatever his situation is, that's for him to deal with.

He will no doubt be terrified. Be kind, calm and gentle with him. He will be worried about what he will tell his parents, family, friends, and girlfriend most probably.

I suspect it's too abstract for him at this stage. If he comes to the 12 week scan it may become more real. It could help. The pregnancy is one thing the logistics of his situation are quite another.

Of he persuades you to terminate you will have to live with it, he won't, save for the odd pang of guilt maybe? Your friend won't have to live with it. Only you can decide.

What will most definitely happen, I assure you, is this baby will be loved and they will all get over it.

Just to put in my 2 cents worth - My mother was a single mother and I have never met my father and she did a brilliant job (and I'm a twin!). :) I'm sure you will do great. I'm not damaged or emotionally unstable because of it.

AlexTasha, thanks. That is good to know - and I know that kids are born into 1 parent families all the time and they are just fine.
I just met up with him. He basically said the same thing over again. I will ruin his life, he grew up with an absent father and spent his 21st birthday in tears as his dad didn't call, he doesn't want to become his father and I am forcing him to be that.
He kept saying you should only have a child if you are in a loving relationship, why would I want to do this, I can have kids when I meet someone.
I have said repeatedly I cannot have an abortion and I would prefer to say father not known than do that.
He wants us to go and speak to someone at a family planning clinic. Is it worth doing that, having that conversation with a neutral third party just to draw a line under this? I won't change my mind.
Thanks again Mumsnetters xx

He said it wouldn't be fair on the baby - but not sure how he has drawn that conclusion - sounds like your baby can expect to arrive in a world where Mum and grandparents are loving and can expect as nice a life as anyone else. So in what way are you doing this baby a favour by aborting?!

It must have been a shock to find someone you might reasonably expect to be surprised but not aghast was in fact aghast - but it is hard cheddar for him - we all have to face up to the consequences of our actions including this father whether it suits us or not - I am sure you will be teaching your little baby that before long!

Hope you get some good support from other people in your life and hope things work out well for you. :)

Polly Just to add my bit. My DD1's father was exactly the same - even adding how ashamed his family would be of him. I told him I'm happy to do it on my own but thought you should know. I took his opinions on board an told him so, however, I was opted to keep the baby. My DD is now 7yrs old, has a step father who has been there since a very young age - and knows him as daddy. Also has a little sister who is 11weeks old.

Just because he won't be there as daddy, doesn't mean another man in the future won't be.

You do what you feel is right for you.

If you have decided that you don't want an abortion then no, it isn't worth going together to speak to someone about it at a clinic. I fear he will just be using that as an opportunity to put more pressure on you.

It seems that you have decided to keep the baby, so stand firm with your decision and make it clear to him that abortion is not up for discussion any more.

I think you've been accommodating by meeting him again. If you don't want an abortion I don't see the point in going to a clinic, its just prolonging it and not allowing him to come to terms with it and address the situation.
Be confident in your decision and enjoy your pg. If he changes his mind in the future at least you have left it on a positive note.

It isn't as if you don't know what you are talking about is it though? You have been through this before, he hasn't.

It strikes me as odd that he thinks there is only one road through life as a child with an absent parent. Has he no other acquaintances who have absent parents but weren't in tears on 21st birthday?

Surely that would only happen if said absent father made promises he didn't keep.

Just tell him to only commit to it as much as he feels he can actually really do without disappointing the child. Then as child will have as much contact as child is lead to reasonably expect there is unlikely to be a great issue.

He strikes me as lacking in imagination and saying you are forcing him to be the kind of father he never wanted to be / ruin his life is laughable emotional blackmail (though probably not intentional - it still is)

You can't uncreate a child! If he wants to shut the stable door after the horse has bolted, how does this make him a better person and give him greater peace of mind than if he just wished you both well and let you live your lives without him?

I said to him IF i agreed to come and speak to someone, whatever my decision was after that was final and he would have to accept it and he agreed. I have found pregnancy counselling service near where i live and they could see us tuesday. At least if I do this then he can't ever say I didn't consider his position.
He knows where my head is and I have given him no reason to think I will change my mind. You are both right KatandKit and Elvis that there is no point going to a clinic, but could pregnancy counselling maybe be helpful to draw a line under it?
GinPalace, it has been a shock actually - I am clearly very naive. I never wanted or expected us to start playing happy families but I felt like i knew him better than I clearly do.
DeterminedSpecialMum - thank you. It's so good to know things can and do work out.
GinPalace - you are absolutely spot on. You can't uncreate a child and therein lies the rub. We have to deal with the consequences of our actions and the reality of where we are as much as I am sure we would both like to turn back the clock. He doesn't seem able or willing to do that.
Looking forward to this being over and being able to get on with everything really - though also really started feeling terrified about doing this all alone.
I know it will be ok though - as you say, I have a loving family and close friends. I will never let that baby feel less loved as he or she doesn't know dad, never.

It will be OK for sure! Any child would be lucky to have you for a Mum!

We could be generous to him and acknowledge he hasn't had as long to get used to the news as you have. He's got some catching up to do and needs to see that life isn't always so simple and black and white and sometimes the unexpected events are big and life changing but there isn't much he can do about it now.
He is going to feel pants either way - his unborn child can be incinerated as clinical waste or he can be an absent father - but not all absent fathers cause major emotional traumas so he doesn't have to feel so bleak about it.

lets face it - he won't be anywhere nearly as affected as you so he has less reason than you to be feeling grim.

He'll come round eventually - and if he doesn't your child will still have you and will still be a blessing to the world as it will have a lovely family to guide it.

Congratulations by the way as I forgot to add that earlier.

p.s I was very ambivalent about ever being a mum a bit like you said you were, and had a doctor told me I was sterile I would not have lost any sleep over it but I had my first baby at 34 and love him to bits and love being a mum, so much more than I ever expected to, second one on the way now and I'm very excited. Yours will arrive before mine though as I am only 9 weeks. :)

Thanks again GinPalace. I hope I love being a mum. You can't ever really know, can you, and that is something i have worried about since finding out I was pregnant.
He's not dealing with it very well but all his fears are entirely selfish. I don't want to feel like I am behaving like my father, I don't want my life to be disrupted by a child turning up in 18 years, this will ruin MY life. The fact that I am not asking for anything from him doesn't compute as apparently the fact that the child could try and seek him out in 18 years and apparently break up a new family he has (???) makes that irrelevant.

Anyway, am off to forget about this and stand on my head in yoga.

What a few days! I have eaten an entire chocolate banana and hazelnut cake with the stress of it!

Just been catching up on all the latest for you. I do feel for you being put under such pressure. I can see your reasoning though, in going to the counselling in order to draw a line under it although not sure it will stop him saying you haven't considered him when you still don't change your mind. He does sound very frightened and is seeing the situation in a very subjective light.
You are not forcing him to be any sort of person, and it is emotional blackmail to suggest otherwise.
You sound like a very strong, sensible person and hopefully once you get this meeting on Tuesday out of the way you can start focusing on enjoying the pregnancy! When is your 12 week scan?

OOOooo can I have your recipe for choc nana and hazlenut cake .

You sound as though your eyes are wide open to all the permutations of your situation, I am sure you will be giving great advice to others in your shoes before long, you seem really grounded and thoughtful.

I totally agree, you can't ever know if you will love being a mum - I was doubting I would love my child all the way to the evening before he arrived, but I did. (Still had moments when I would have cheerfully gaffer-taped his mouth shut to stop some crying - but never did cos the love was too strong so I shushed and soothed him instead! That's love!!)

Ooh pregnancy counselling sounds good idea. At least you will both be able to talk with someone mediating. Then you can bounce different ideas around and he doesn't dominate the talk with what he wants!

Hi, I've been quietly following this thread and thought it was time I added my 'tuppence worth.

I think the counselling could provide you with a line in the sand but I would not be so sure that it will make any differance to how either of you feel. From experience I think that if having an abortion was the right thing for you to do you would know about it by now and by this point nothing anyone is going to say is going to be a mind changing revelation to you. I also think that there is nothing that anyone else can say that is going to make him sort his own issues out and he is going to either come to terms with the situation himself or not, I wouldn't expect this to magically stop him from feeling the need to blame you for ruining his life if that is what he thinks.

However, as I said it would mean you have a point at which you can say enough it enough. Once you have sat through the counselling and done your bit you really need to start concentrating on you and the baby and stop humouring him. The only way you are going to find the space to do what you need to do in preperation for the baby, both mentally and physically, is to decide once and for all what you are going to do about him and stick with it. If I were you I would take the counselling as the chance to tell him that unless or until he has something constructive to add to the situation you think it would be better for everyone involved if you spent some time away from him and cut contact for a bit.

It sounds harsh I know. and clearly you are a terribly nice person who will feel bad about walking away when things between you are pretty unpleasent, but it is not as if you want anything from him. To be quite frank you have enough on your plate to deal with without having to repeatedly sit and listen to him moan about his father issues. You have done enough for him and the time has come for you to concentrate your energies on you and the baby.

GinPalace, it's this one - www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/black_banana_cake_52982. Thanks for your kind words.
Char11, I don't have a date for my 12 week scan yet, or for my booking appointment. I saw my GP last week and he sent off the paperwork to the hospital so hopefully it will be soon. I am 11 weeks today!
That's what I thought Elvis.
HidingInTheUndergrowth thanks for your thoughtful post. I don't think the counselling will make any difference, but I am hoping that if I go, he will accept that I have given fair consideration to what he thinks, and in the presence of somebody independent. I completely agree that has to be enough though. As I say above, I haven't even been booked with the midwife yet, and I have to focus on work and earning money to support me and the baby and this is obviously very distracting and quite stressful. Thanks for your advice. It all makes perfect sense. xx

I've not commented so far (but have followed your posts) but I just wanted to say that you sound like an incredibly strong and together woman. You know what you want and eventhough the prospect of raising a child by yourself (and you don't even know if that is the case, you might meet a lovely man tomorrow who accepts you with a child) might be scary at times, I have no doubt that you will be an amazing and loving mother. Any child would be lucky to have you as their mum!

I wish you all the best with your pregnancy. It's such an exciting journey...

Hi Polly,

I read your posts while you were in India, and have followed (most) of this thread too.

I also think you sound very together and a reasonable. I can see why you would want to go to the clinic to draw a line under everything - if you do go, stay very strong while you are there. Lets just say I know that they can be quite persuasive and make you doubt yourself I know it is a sensitive subject, but maybe he needs to understand what a fetus actually is at 11 weeks? It is incredible how much development has taken place by 11w.

The other thing that strikes me is that he says he doesn't want a baby to have an absent father like he did.... well, he has that choice to make! Sounds like he needs to man up, face his responsibilities and the consequences of his actions. Sorry if that's harsh but it like has already been said - if he didn't want a baby then he should have taken precautions. Or did he not pay attention to sex ed?!

I genuinely wish you the best of luck Polly

Polly - I don't want to feel like I am behaving like my father, I don't want my life to be disrupted by a child turning up in 18 years, this will ruin MY life - well, that's his doing, not yours. If he felt that strongly he should have used contraception shouldn't he. Reiterate that every time he tries to blame you for this situation. You not wanting to have an abortion is not what created this situation. On top of that - he does not have to be his father - he could step up to the plate and be a father to his child if he wanted to - the choice is his. The only way you would be making him an absent father would be if you hadn't told him.

You can do this, you will be fine :) Don't let the clinic/him make you feel scared to do that.

I'll be honest, I don't see any point in the counselling session at all. You've made your place clear to him, he's made his case to you - you're the one who has to carry and have this baby and if counselling isn't going to change your mind then why bother? All the compromising seems to be coming from you, and I don't see why it should. By agreeing to go, he might be reading that as he still has a chance to get you to agree to terminating this pregnancy.

It's OK - and perfectly acceptable - to just say no to him you know You don't need to justify yourself or your baby to him by going along to a counselling session that actually, you don't need.