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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Baby's father wants me to get an abortion

122 replies

PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 18:40

I posted before about finding out I was pregnant while I was travelling. I have finally told the father. I only got back end of last week and, rightly or wrongly, wanted to tell him person. So I did today and he was really shocked. He really wants me to have an abortion, says it's not fair on him or the baby if I go ahead, that it's one day of my life compared to the rest of his. I am now 11 weeks and did think about a termination but could never have done it. I had a horrible one without any anaesthetic when I was 22 in Hong Kong and felt awful emotionally for ages after. I am now nearly 37. This pregnancy was in no way planned - I was never sure I wanted kids and never thought I would want to do it alone - but it's here as we both messed up, didn't use contraception and now I have to make the best of where I am. I also own my own home and am financially independent so there is no reason to have an abortion.
But this is a HORRIBLE situation. I feel really sorry for him, but I can't give him what he wants.
Am I being selfish?
Sorry, could really do with some objective opinions as obviously my parents are biased in my favour.
Thanks Mumsnetters

OP posts:

katiegolightly · 11/03/2012 07:37

TOTALLY agree with Chippingin... if he really felt that strongly, he should have been insistent about contraception. He's no doubt kicking himself HARD and has just learnt a very difficult life lesson... Polly, I reckon you've given him more than enough energy on this, the only thing that may help him now is time. Yes, it does suck a bit for him too and he probably feels sick to the stomach about having to change his expectations and knowing he can no longer influence the situation, but there's nothing he can do about it now but man up or walk away - and as you've told him, the choice is totally his. Not everyone would have been so generous as you have. I think you'll do a fantastic job. Good luck with everything, put this to one side for now and enjoy your wonderful pregnancy! (been watching your threads and so impressed by how you have handled all of this so level-headedly, you will be a fantastic mum, you have NOTHING to worry about!).

Kate

juneau · 11/03/2012 08:01

I haven't read all the posts, but I've read all the OP's and it sounds to me that he's just panicking. He's running around like a headless chicken trying to make this go away. But he's 27, so it's hardly surprising. You're 37, so you're at a completely different stage of life and, although you haven't said it, I'm guessing that you're thinking this might be your one chance to have a baby. You're financially secure, you're mature enough to cope with this and you're okay with that. He's just kicking himself for being so irresponsible, but if he gives you that line about 'forcing him to become his dad' again I think I'd gently say to him that it's his choice and if he chooses to be an absent dad, its not because of 'fate' or any other such bullshit, it's because he's choosing not to be involved. History will only repeat itself if he's feckless enough to let it. Let's hope that by the time the child is 21 he'll have grown up a bit.

goingmadtrying · 11/03/2012 08:06

i would agree you have given him enough time, he is using the opportunity of counselling for extra time, i think tbh he will be surprised cause the pregnancy advisory service wouldn't.necessarily take his side, i don't think you should contact him again, and if he doesn't contact you then that is his choice, my understanding is that for the father to be named on the birth certificate he has to attend the meeting with you (sorry if not correct) concentrate on building a nice life for you and your lo, you are not alone and never will be , children love you unconditionally and you will.make a fab mum :)

Original poster

PollyIndia · 11/03/2012 08:53

I am 36 Juneau. Don't make me another year older!! Um, I don't necessarily think this is my last chance to have a baby but I don't think I would handle abortion at all well and if I never had a child afterwards then I think that regret would be very hard to live with. He is panicking and he has shown himself to be an immature 27 - I actually thought he was quite mature (rethinking a lot of what I thought of him!) but it's different when you are out and having fun, isn't it.
It is a different thing when you are 36 than when you are 21.
Thanks Katiegolightly and everyone else. Gomadtrying, you are right about the birth cert, I just looked it up.
Flisspaps, I know you are right, but I have said I will do it and at least I am giving him more than enough chances. It's pregnancy rather than abortion counselling. I am very clear on where my head is so I see the counselling as being more for him. I will say in there though at the end, that if he doesn't want to be supportive then I would like him not to contact me. And that will be the end of it. I am 12 weeks on Saturday anyway and that is the cutoff point for legal abortion so there will be no point him haranguing me after that anyway. And I have said time and time again that I cannot have an abortion and that if I have to, I am happy to raise the child alone with my friends and family, so I won't be deviating from that. I would like to feel that I have been fair, even if maybe I am over-compromising. That will be it after tuesday though thankfully!
Then I need to get on with enjoying the pregnancy and getting back to work and hopefully get to see a midwife at some point.
Thanks all xx

OP posts:

GinPalace · 11/03/2012 09:33

Thanks for the recipe!!

All the best.

Flisspaps · 11/03/2012 10:08

Polly I understand the cut off point is actually around 20 weeks, so don't expect him to give up trying to persuade you to change your mind once you get to next weekend.

You are a far more considerate person than I, and from your posts here, I think you're going to do an absolutely grand job as a mother

QueenOfFlippingEverything · 11/03/2012 10:15

The cut off point for abortion in the UK is not 12 weeks - its 24 weeks iirc.

TBH I suggest you stop completely engaging with him, its clearly making your life more difficult and dramatic than it needs to be right now.

Original poster

PollyIndia · 11/03/2012 13:00

Is it as late as that? I hadn't actually looked into it.
Cut off is tuesday. If he isn't going to be supportive, I see no point in carrying on any communication. Rightly or wrongly I said I would do this counselling thing on tuesday so I will but then that is it.
He may carry on trying to badger me but I think I will have given him more than enough chances by then.

OP posts:

Original poster

PollyIndia · 11/03/2012 13:01

And thanks again for the kind words!

OP posts:

SoozyWoozy · 11/03/2012 14:06

I don't think it is the wrong thing to do Polly, just beyond the kindness and patience I would have with him LOL!
You can have a termination up to 24wks in the UK (and rare, but can be performed afterwards if certain criteria are met). It is performed differently after 12 weeks in some areas, so maybe that is what you were thinking of.
Stay strong, and just keep firm in your beliefs and manner with him to get the message across well and truly, once and for all.

Chrononaut · 11/03/2012 14:07

maybe after tuesday, change your number and tell him not to turn up on your doorstep (and also warn him that you'll call the police if he does) it seems drastic but better safe than sorry!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 11/03/2012 14:24

Chrononaut - better safe than sorry ?? - calm down dear He's only been talking to her and wailing about how it will ruin his life - he hasn't been threatening to do it himself.

I'm sure that 'Polly' is quite able to tell him to 'do one' if he keeps on at her after Tuesday. She's being incredibly generous in going to this counselling with him but I'm sure she's not going to put up with any nonsense with him after that

alwaysanauntie · 11/03/2012 16:28

For what it's worth, I think the pregnancy counselling may be good for him, if only to have an independent third party point out that he is equally responsible for your conceiving, so may put things in perspective for him where he's been a bit reactionist. Sometimes people need a fresh perspective and perhaps this may also help him deal with his own abandonment issues? As you've said, after that you've done your bit to be as fair as possible, so he can never throw that back at you.

Hope it goes ok on Tuesday - best wishes! :)

Yummymummyyobe1 · 11/03/2012 16:40

This boy needs to grow a pair and become a man. If he can whip his bits out without thinking through the consiquences, then he can be a parent. People like him make me so angry, blah I have child issues blah I can't deal with this Blah make my troubles go away. Ahhhhhhhhhh. He sounds such an inmature prick individual. xx

Original poster

PollyIndia · 11/03/2012 17:14

Chrononaut I hope that won't be necessary but your sentiment is right, as Chipping says, post Tuesday, no more contact unless he has has a road to Damascus moment and sorts himself out.
Thanks alwaysanauntie. That's what I am hoping.
And yes Yummymummy, I have certainly thought that more than once over the last few days!
I just went for a roast with my mate who lives round the corner and is 6 months pregnant and told her I am pg and she was SO excited it has made me all excited again. Honestly, if he doesn't grow up fast, he can do one and it will be his loss, not mine or my baby's. Even if he does, it's made me think of the importance of consistency in a child;s life. If he wants to be involved, he has to commit to a routine and do what he says he will, no being flakey and in and out as it suits him. Anyway, I don't think we will get that far so it's academic.
xx

OP posts:

Original poster

PollyIndia · 11/03/2012 17:32

Oh and thanks for clarifying SoozyWoozy. There is nothing anybody can say to persuade me an abortion is the right course. Who knows what may happen in the next 6 months - it's a long road to a healthy baby - but I am not aborting my baby. 24 weeks seems very late I must say. That has surprised me. xx

OP posts:

SoozyWoozy · 11/03/2012 18:40

There are a lot of people who campaign to have the abortion limit lowered - especially with the advances in technology which give life support to babies born at 24 weeks who go on to survive and have relatively good health. I think babies as early as 23 weeks are living now, too. Its a very emotive issue. I was a theatre nurse for a long while and couldn't do the termination clinics (we were allowed to opt out of working in that theatre), the early ones are straightforward but the later ones.... well, lets just say no thank you.

Original poster

PollyIndia · 11/03/2012 18:49

I just read an article on it actually - couldn't get past the first third before crying my eyes out. Clearly hormonal but it's actually pretty distressing. I had never really read much about it before.
I am definitely pro choice, but 24 weeks feels way too late to me if it's a normal healthy pregnancy.
Seems so weird that in one wing of a hospital they will be aborting a 24 week old baby and in another, fighting to save a 24 week old baby's life.

OP posts:

harrietlichman · 11/03/2012 18:56

A good friend of mine found herself in your situation, almost exactly. She now has a beautiful ds, and though it wasnt' easy, has built a relationship with baby's father, for the sake of the child. He was reluctant at first, but now loves his son and they co-operate to make their baby's life as stable and balanced as could be. Do what you feel is right for you - my friend is a fantastic mother and doesn't regret a moment. It isn't easy, but she would't change a thing. Best of luck, what ever you decide. x

Original poster

PollyIndia · 11/03/2012 19:07

Thanks Harriet. It's nice to know that things work out. I know it won't be easy, but not much in life that is truly worth it is easy x

OP posts:

MysteriousHamster · 13/03/2012 16:10

How are you doing OP, is/wasyour appointment today?

Original poster

PollyIndia · 13/03/2012 18:13

Hi MysteriousHamster (great name by the way!). My appointment is tonight at 8. No idea what to expect but just keep telling myself that no-one in a counselling role is ever going to advise 36 year old woman with her own home, financial independence and a supportive network of family and friends to abort a baby.
I just hope that them being there means the father sees how unreasonable he is being.
But regardless I shall say to him at the end that if he has nothing supportive to say to me, not to contact me again then pedal off.
Quite nervous but had really good work meetings today so it was a really good distraction to talk about something else!
Thanks for remembering. I will update you x

OP posts:

justlemonade · 13/03/2012 18:31

good luck polly

KatAndKit · 13/03/2012 18:34

Good luck! Remember they are there to listen to you, not to tell you what course of action they think you ought to take. Their job is to listen to what you have to say and talk you through the options. So long as you say you are definitely having the baby then that's that.

Cheeser · 13/03/2012 20:44

Hope tonight goes ok Polly. I've not posted before but have followed this thread and your last.

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