Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Baby's father wants me to get an abortion

122 replies

PollyIndia · 08/03/2012 18:40

I posted before about finding out I was pregnant while I was travelling. I have finally told the father. I only got back end of last week and, rightly or wrongly, wanted to tell him person. So I did today and he was really shocked. He really wants me to have an abortion, says it's not fair on him or the baby if I go ahead, that it's one day of my life compared to the rest of his. I am now 11 weeks and did think about a termination but could never have done it. I had a horrible one without any anaesthetic when I was 22 in Hong Kong and felt awful emotionally for ages after. I am now nearly 37. This pregnancy was in no way planned - I was never sure I wanted kids and never thought I would want to do it alone - but it's here as we both messed up, didn't use contraception and now I have to make the best of where I am. I also own my own home and am financially independent so there is no reason to have an abortion.
But this is a HORRIBLE situation. I feel really sorry for him, but I can't give him what he wants.
Am I being selfish?
Sorry, could really do with some objective opinions as obviously my parents are biased in my favour.
Thanks Mumsnetters

OP posts:

Original poster

PollyIndia · 13/03/2012 20:58

Thanks Cheeser, justlemonade and KatAndKit.
Well, just got back. That was definitely the right thing to do. I am so relieved. There were 2 female counsellors and they didn't judge but they did help me put my position across - backed me up when I said abortion post 12 weeks is not the same as in the early weeks, talked about how women can need counselling post abortions and can suffer depression, talked about how much the fetus has developed by now etc. Also reinforced what I said about the fact that I am dealing with what is already here. I have not set out to create a baby as a single parent but am dealing with the fact a baby has already been created.
By the end, he had accepted abortion was no longer an option and went off to think about whether and how he wants to be involved. I actually think he will be after that, and I never thought I would say that.

Talking in front of 2 independent people to whom he had to listen was invaluable. Even if I never hear from him again, and I am sure I will, I feel like that was the right thing to do.

Thanks for all your support mumsnetters. I now feel like I have drawn a line under this stressful last few days. Now i I can just get my job sorted and finally get to see the midwife and have a scan, I'll be able to get on with enjoyi ng this pregnancy!

OP posts:

KristinaM · 13/03/2012 21:00

im glad you re feeling better about things

QueenOfFlippingEverything · 13/03/2012 21:07

I'm glad the session made you feel better about things.

I would like to clear something up though - 'pregnancy counselling' is NOT the same thing as abortion counselling and is NOT properly independent and unbiased.

It is a service offered by pro-life organisations and so, although it clearly met your needs in your unique stuation, is not appropriate for anyone who is genuinely undecided on what course is best for them when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

Original poster

PollyIndia · 13/03/2012 21:13

That's not right QueenofFlippingEverything! The pregnancy counselling service I went to talks about abortion counselling on their website, pre and post. They say they will help you talk through all the options - abortion, adoption and keeping the baby.

OP posts:

SoozyWoozy · 13/03/2012 21:15

I'm glad the session was useful for you.

Good luck and happy pregnancy planning :)

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 13/03/2012 22:36

I'm glad it went well and you feel good about having gone.

I hope he either decides not to be a part of your lives OR decides he will and does it properly and not coming and going.

Anyway, as you say, you can now get on with enjoying your pregnancy and getting excited about being a Mummy!!

Chrononaut · 16/03/2012 19:32

glad it went well, do keep us updated on how your pregnancy goes though polly!

Char11 · 16/03/2012 21:32

Just checked in and seen your updates. Really glad things went well for you. Hope you now enjoy all the good things about being pregnant and planning for the future

firstfroggy · 17/03/2012 09:37

Hi pollyindia, I just wanted to briefly tell you my story. I am 35 and 17 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend left me last week. Despite planning this pregnancy (and him already a father himself) he asked me to have an abortion a week after I found out I was pregnant. We were very much in love when we made this baby, but I just couldn't go through with an abortion and he just couldn't forgive me for that so three months later he told me he didn't love me and he didn't want the baby.
He says that he will support the baby when it's born, I have no idea if he will, I haven't heard from him for over a week, I think I have to proceed assuming he won't be involved.
What I want to say is you can do this on your own. You will never regret having this baby, you are more likely to regret not having it.
As someone a bit further down the line from you I can confirm it isnt easy but even if I could go back to the point where he asked me to have an abortion, I still know I couldn't do it.
So we just get on with these things and take the fate that you are handed. All will be ok in the end, even if it isn't how you hoped it might work out. But hey, that's life!!
Good luck with everything.

KristinaM · 17/03/2012 14:45

Just wanted to wish you well first froggy. Have you joined a mumsnet ante natal thread yet? They are fun and you will gets lots of support as you all go through your pregnancies together

GinPalace · 18/03/2012 11:20

Hi PollyIndia, just dropped into your thread to see how you got on and really pleased the counselling had the best possible outcome. Sounds like he needed a bit of help coming to terms with the situation. I hope he reaches a good decision for everyone concerned and I can't help feeling very optimistic for you and your baby - It feels like a good wind is in the air for you (without sounding like a bit of a lentil-weaving headcase)

All the best.

Original poster

PollyIndia · 20/03/2012 20:10

Sorry, not checked this for a few days. Thanks to all of you for your good wishes. I haven't heard from him since, so at least he's stopped pressuring me to get a termination. I felt quite optimistic that he would be involved after the counselling but now I don't know. As you say Chipping, you would only want him to be involved if he does it properly. Time will tell.
And thanks GinPalace - always nice to hear that!
FirstFroggy, thanks so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you have had a really tough time. I agree totally that you just have to deal with your reality sometimes, even if it's the opposite of what you planned. I have started to tell my broader friend group now and people have been so excited and happy for me, I have been really touched. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed the last few weeks so it's nice to remember that this is actually a really happy joyous thing.
I hope you have good friends and family Froggy. I think they are what is going to get me through all this. You sound really strong and together - I hope I can be the same!
I know it won't be easy, but hey, what that is worth having is?!
I had my 12 week scan yesterday and saw the baby bouncing around and boxing its little arms - very, very weird to think that's all happening inside me!

OP posts:

GinPalace · 20/03/2012 20:32

Hahaha that's true - I remember that! I think I became a bit unhinged when I had my scan as when I saw all these gymnastics going on which I couldn't feel at all - it struck me as (disproportionately) funny and I was giggling so much I had to be told off so the lady could finish the scan!

Suppose it has only been a week, since he went off to think - not a quick process necessarily. At least you can be getting on with things now so you are holding your breath.

Glad your friends have been brill.

Original poster

PollyIndia · 22/03/2012 11:13

I saw on facebook he has decided spur of the moment to go travelling in south america. I have driven him to another continent!!
I guess he isn't coming to terms with it after all.
Well, fair enough, he has to make his own decisions.

OP posts:

goingmadtrying · 22/03/2012 11:17

glad your appointment went well and your ex is not putting pressure on you to get an abortion and your scan went well :)

lol at your ex fleeing the country!!! tbh it may make things easier for you to move forward with things, wishing you all the best :)

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 22/03/2012 23:49

How lovely to have had your scan and seen the baby bouncing about :) Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl - or just wait and see??

Well, he might be back before you have the baby?! Hopefully he's just taking some time out to decide what he wants to do (men need another continent, women just need another coffee!) - hopefully this means that he will, at least, make a definite decision one way or another and not prat you and his child about too much?!

Would have been nice of him to have told you his plans first ... but I suppose that was too much to ask

I'm glad your friends are happy & excited for you :)

Original poster

PollyIndia · 23/03/2012 09:00

Goingmadtrying yes, exactly. I am just pleased he isn't putting me under pressure to get a termination anymore.
Chipping, yes, it was lovely! Not going to find out. My dad is blind and my sister and he got tested at moorfields and apparently if either of us have a son, there is a 50% chance of him having my dad's condition. So I don't want to be told it's a boy (which I think it is) and worry about that, as we will sort it out if it does transpire to be the case.
I am leaving him to it. We left it with me saying you know where I am if you want to chat about anything, then I texted him saying when the scan was and heard nothing back so it's got to be up to him now. Weird with social networks, as even if he decides he doesn't want anything to do with us, unless he defriends me, he will eventually see pics of my child I suppose.
Everyone is so happy and excited - I think they are quite surprised, not least as I am single! I've also never been especially broody and always been a bit of a party girl. I feel so ready for this now I have got used to it though. Funny how life works eh :)

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 24/03/2012 11:36

I think 'not finding out' is lovely anyway, worries aside! I like the 'surprise' element... even though there are only two options!! Fingers crossed the baby doesn't inherit your Dad's condition.

Personally, I'd defriend him on FB. I wouldn't want him being able to see me, read about my life, see my baby etc if he's not in contact IRL. But that's just me.

It's brilliant that everyone is happy & excited for/with you :) Yeah - single, party girl, not broody... you must have really surprised everyone, not least of all yourself

Yep - it is funny how life works - hardly ever according to our 'life plan'!

bronze · 24/03/2012 11:43

It's brilliant that people are excited for you.
Hey I'm excited for you

It's weird your contentedness oozes off the page compared to your first posts.

Original poster

PollyIndia · 24/03/2012 23:11

You are probably right about defriending him Chipping - will be weird if he can see stuff about the baby if he isn't involved.
Bronze, thank you. I feel infinitely better about everything now. Still worried about money, being able to cope etc, but the support from people around me has really helped.
x

OP posts:

bltblt · 25/03/2012 08:04

I think your gut feeling is telling you to have this baby. It might not have been planned - these things sometimes aren't - but to feel so torn about it suggests that there is a bond there for you already. Please don't get me wrong, I am absolutely pro-choice and have used that choice myself in the past, but there was no conflict whatsoever for me at the time.

Lots of love to you

Flisspaps · 25/03/2012 08:44

bltblt I think you'll find the thread has moved on somewhat since the OP

Flip

1 2 3 4 5