The TMI pregnancy complaints you can't tell your colleagues

[Garliccheesechips]

My fanjo flaps are fucking KILLING ME.

:o
I'm going to forward this thread to my friend who's coming up on 39 weeks - she's going to laugh that baby right out!!!

My variation of the crash position was to sit on the loo with legs a bit wider apart so bump fits between them, placing a low stool (the wooden kind, I hasten to clarify) on the floor in front of me,bending forward as far as possible with my hands on the stool for support and lifting my bum slightly, using my legs. Engaging the legs usually makes you lose the bum clench (from anticipating pain) and allows poo to come out more easily. Bending forward also takes pressure off the back part of the anal sphincter where fissures are most commonly found, so slightly less pain and bleeding.

I was laid in bed about 5am this morning wide awake (having had to get up for a wee) letting rip a cavalcade of comedy farts ranging from whoopee cushion to trombone, and snorting with stifled laughter after each one. I assume DH was sound asleep because he couldn't have not passed comment, had he heard.

If you want to continue chuckling, have a look at this Classics thread it's the reason I joined MN!

I also have the very smelly farts problem.
I did one at my dads house and blamed it on my dads dogs and my brother held his nose and said 'they stink, what the fu@k has dad been feeding them?!'

Omg, I have literally just pissed myself, had to hand the iPad over to DH so he could see why I was in hysterics!

Oh I love that thread!!! Still great after a few years....

I did a little fart last night whilst napping on the sofa. Opened my eyes to see DH had his jumper pulled up and over his nose, and I quote "oh honey you stink!" It's true though, I hum to high heaven....

I have terrible morning/ all day sickness and my colleagues are pretty sympathetic and keep asking questions like 'have you worked out any triggers/ things that make it better or worse?' I talk about kitchen smells etc which is true, but not nearly as true as 'the smell of my own toxic farts!'

Seriously! It's like there's something wrong with me! It's like if I was poisoned by the Russians this is what the gasses that came out of me would be like! I find myself in horrible cycles of fart - wretch - fart - wretch. And I never go for a no2 anymore without a catching implement in front of me so that I can throw up at the same time. The smell is just too much! If I'm lucky I manage to hold vom in until I've at least flushed and then make it to throw up in the bath (NEVER dare to turn around to do so in the loo - the gasses left hovering over it I truly believe would lead to a whole new level of violence behind the vomming - probably resulting in all inside organs coming up!)

God, I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering from the worst consiptation ever.

On Fri night it was so painful my DH thought I was in labour the noise I was making. Just to add insult to injury, my 3 yr old episiotomy scar can't handle all the 'pressure' and has swollen up so that added with the piles has made sitting down agony.

I'm really looking forward to a second birth which will no doubt once again involve being cut again and piles the size of grapes. Joy!

Poor Peas, making yourself ill with your trumps. :(
Can you put a glade airfreshner up there?

at this thread and marking for later when I've had a wee can read in peace

up her bum garlic??? a glad up her bum?

rofl at idea of someone trying to do that. i'm a nurse and heard many peculiar stories but never a glade !!!

The little fan bit would be propelled by the farts

On that note, marbles; what's the weirdest thing you've found up someone's jacksie? Or are you not allowed to tell..?

I love this thread. It makes me feel normal.

That might have read wrongly. When I said normal I meant all my oddities are normal. If that makes sense.

The little fan bit would be propelled by the farts

Dear god you've thought it through and everything

Another one loving this thread!

holls there's a little part of me which now suspects that you have a glade air freshener up your arse and have up until now felt uncomfortable about that fact

deodorants/brushes/cutlery might be nhs myths. thankfully i'm not the one that has to 'find' them

Wasn't there a thread about someone putting a clove of garlic up their bum to help with constipation?

lucky would that I did!!!!! I suspect the wind I produce would be more pleasant.....

The gas, from both ends, has been
horrendous since week 6! I'm only 13 weeks and it seems to be getting worse! The smells AND the noises! We were at DP's parents last week (belated Christmas) and it was getting late so I was falling asleep on the sofa when I let out a massive fanjo fart! Which woke me up and as I didn't know what had happened I said, loudly, "What was that?!". DP actually wet himself laughing, I was mortified. The inlaws didn't say a word.

Agree with most of the delightful pregnancy symptoms.

Here's mine, waking up with a wet pillow from all the drool.
Sore bleeding gums.

I've got to tell you about tonight...

My boyfriend's parents and his father's cousin came around for a meal today. Earlier on I'd slugged lactulose straight out of the bottle to help me go to the loo. We were all sat round the dining table waiting for dinner to be cooked (boyfriend is a chef and didn't want any help) and I could feel the bubbles in my stomach grumbling away... I stood up to go to the loo and walk-farted my way there, trying desperately to hold it in and to talk loudly over the noise. After a little time in the loo I felt I could come out again.

I went into the kitchen and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a hand with making the salad at least, and then this huge squeaky fart escaped ><

My boyfriend just LOOKED at me like... do you have to? I went bright red as I knew people must have heard it and I walked quickly to the loo again.

Whilst I was in there, the giggles started to take hold... and because I was giggling I was trumping away with each belly chuckle and it was SO loud I knew that everybody MUST have heard (toilet is downstairs) and it made me giggle all the more so I farted even more... I finally sat down on the loo and the sound that came out was reminiscent of a balloon being held under water and the air allowed to escape...

I had gone past giggling by then, I was laughing loudly, tears streaming down my face, clawing at the walls and whooping away til I could get no more sound out. I washed up, exited and then faced everybody... all I could do was say 'ooh sorry how embarrassing' and then go in the kitchen and cry on my boyfriend's shoulder :( They'd heard it all!!!