The TMI pregnancy complaints you can't tell your colleagues

[Garliccheesechips]

My fanjo flaps are fucking KILLING ME.

also i have defo noticed a more err...fishy odour from my fanwah/knickers. No infection tho. is that normal or just me?

stinking I'm going to get me one of these

From the reviews "It's like a mini men's beard trimmer!", hoping the mini refers to the size of the razor not beard, more of a lady jungle at the mo.

Projectile vomiting without warning since 36 weeks...

I'm getting some very strange looks from my toddler just now because I'm sitting in hysterics reading this (oh needed a laugh today, thanks folks).

I'm not pregnant at the mo but ttc #2, I had forgotten all those lovely joys of pregnancy, maybe I'm happy with 1 dc........

We should all band together and go around schools to give talks.
Teen pregnancy rate would be halved in no time.

Garliccheesechips
I actually done a Freddie Mercury style air punch after I managed to finally poop after five days.

Ive never laughed so much at something in my life, proper snorts, tears, wee ive probaby leaked from every place imaginable just at that post but so worth it all!!

when i finally pooed after 6 days i was so excited for a minute i thought about sharing it as my status on facebook and telling everyone my good news!

GarlicCheeseChips everytime I open this thread to see what's new, I - literally - piss myself laughing at your opening statement. It's priceless!

Typing your name has also just given be a 10.54am craving for a chip butty! Or a McPikey Sandwich (chicken dippers in a white bread sandwich with loads of mayo on bottom, ketchup on top). God, I'm hungry!!!

Now to spend the rest of my working day my official lunchtime alternating between MN, looking at BBC recipes to cook tonight and ooohing and aaahing over baby/nursery stuff.

Happy Friday to Team Lazy Arse!!

Vix, delighted I made you laugh but I hope you didn't ruin your good clothes..
I understand you wanting to post it on Facebook. It's sheer joy.
It should be on one of those 'Happiness is...' posters.

I can't get over some of the poor women who've been backed up for weeks.
A few days and I can't deal with the discomfort.

The pregnant women smelling funny is a new one on me. But I had a sniff and I think I smell like a cooked chicken wearing Miss Dior.

Ooops, the Team Lazy Arse comment was meant for another thread - my preggo brain really worries me

Sorry, of course I don't suspect any of you of wasting away your working day on MN

mental note to self don't read this post while at work (and no one knows about pg yet) as I'm sitting here crying with laughter. :o

I am so sorry ladies, but if all goes well as 12wk scan I guess I'll have some of these delights to look forward too (except for the pooing malarky, already having issues with that - grim!)

I used to love those happiness is poster when i was younger, but instead of a sleeping cat or swimming dolphins it has to be someone finally having a poo in the recovery/crash position!

I beg anyone who's good at photo shop to do this poster for me please!

Happiness is....finally relasing the poo hostage

*releasing

I am so loving the recovery/crash position mix up!

I am not pg but do have chronic constipation (things don't look good for when I hopefully do get pg!) and was intrigued by the recovery position comment - glad you corrected it before I resorted to that one!!!

Hello ladies,
crying with laughter here and I can add a few to the list, fell asleep in a cafe the other day and im only 10weeks! Poo hostage has been released after 3days, and even the dog gave me an evil look and jumped off the sofa after I farted

I have literally laughed at this thread until I cried.

At 33 weeks, I am feeling the pain of most of these things (except the Cheeseburger Fanjo, now I know I have that to look forward to), especially the toxic farts. So bad is the wind that - as we're oversharing anyway - I am avoiding the usual late-pregnancy sex positions as they tend to involve my arse sticking out in some manner. That would take us to a whole new level of humiliation, one which I'm not yet prepared to venture into.

Every time I need a laugh, I'm coming right back here. Pooing in the crash position will never fail to make me piss myself. Literally.

Let the definitive poo position be a lesson to you ladies! No poo was ever delivered easily, lying flat!

When you go to wipe your fanjo, you get to it a little bit quicker than you did pre-pregnancy...like it's lower, but not 'saggy' iyswim

When you wipe the rear, you cant actually get there, as you cant rotate all the way

Crusty nipple snot from early milk drying in your bra

Weirdly, my hair stopped growing during pregnancy (except for my tummy, grrrr), so when I over plucked one eyebrow at 12weeks, it didnt grow back in (until LO was a week old!)

A friend has just announced her PG. I will not be sharing any of this until she is holding her baby.

my eyelashes also seem to be thinning out. is that normal? i noticed they were really sparse when i put on my mascara - it makes my face look weird.

i did an online food shop and ordered loads of dried figs and tinned prunes! i don't want piles :(

LikeAnAdvent my hair stopped growing last time too! You're the only other person I've found who's said that. It's slowed down this time but it hasn't stopped.

I forgot to mention the hernia brought on by trying not to piss yourself when you cough.

Sicky burps here, too :(

oops fail on the italics

I'm a sahm, so no colleagues to speak of unless I trump up DS2's position and he becomes my employee (although to be fair, it's more like I'm his lacky). In which case, my tmi that I wouldn't be able to talk to him about of late would be:

Do excuse me whilst I dash to the loo again, DS2. It feels like I literally just wet myself but when I get to the bathroom I will discover another pool of lotion-y discharge.

Seriously, where is it all coming from and why?! Fifth pregnancy and nothing like it before... (and no, doesn't smell or itch or look an odd colour so I really don't think it's anything sinister).

My poo hostage has gone. Crash position was assumed and, my god, it worked!!!!!

~~looks smug as she does another big, soft, poo~~

oO

That one really is TMI