The TMI pregnancy complaints you can't tell your colleagues

[Garliccheesechips]

My fanjo flaps are fucking KILLING ME.

Fraid not hairy. In fact I think a little bit of wee escaped whilst reading the other posts!

Glad I wasn't the only unbeaten hairy one either!

Mnhq -this has to go in classics!

OOh yes, the wind. Enough to blacken silver jewellery within a range of 20 metres.

And I just smell. Pits, lady bits, feet. No infections - I've checked - but whifforama all the same. Showering twice a day and applying shitloads of deodorant is a PITA.

I read the beginning of this thread this morning before I went to the hospital, just come back to it now and still chuckling hosing myself at pooing in the recovery position.

[smirks]

This has made me laugh aloud too

I'm the sort of person who cannot go to work in the morning without having a shower, no matter how late I am, so the constant smelliness really upsets me. Sweat, discharge and usually a bit of wee thrown in for good measure (it's the sneezing which catches me out every time) - nice. I've even taken to using deodorant under my humungous boobs... to no discernable effect.

And my varicous veins itch.

And it feels like I'm trying to keep a bowling ball in place with my pelvic floor.

the bloody snot - nosebleeds and permanent blocked nose

the blocked ear from excess ear wax (had with DD too) q hilarity in the office at me being mutt & jeff - not annoying in the slightest, fortunately syringed now

achy undercarriage

DH telling all and sundry about my pregnancy induced snoring

It wasn't until I read this thread that I started getting the farts. I didn't have smelly farts before. Have I picked up some godawful farting disease here?

I blame it on the dog and my boyfriend actually believes me. It's that bad.

I am in hysterics! any my husband is terrified of what's to come :-)

He should be!

Had to show DH this thread because he was taking the micky out of me because I've been trumpy. Try to be lady-like and not fart too much in front of him but it's gone out the window!

For me it's been: fartiness, snotty/bloody nose and stretch marks that make my belly look like it's in flames. Lovely! Been pretty lucky though, judging by some of the other complaints. Like to think it's a veggie diet that's saved me from constipation (I would get upset of my pootine was out of whack) but it's probably just luck of the draw.

Got to ask though>> wtf is 'pooing in the recovery position'?!

This has to stay here permanently so if I get broody I can ready why I don't need another child!

I've just realised when I said 'recovery position' I actually meant crash position.

I want to clarify that as a matter of course I do not lie on my side to take a shit.

Real proud I did not wet myself lol reading this thread

I was on progesterone suppositories for the first 12 weeks and had wicked constipation. At 10 weeks I started eating all bran and after 3 days it had the desired effect by things had... Become rather solid in the meantime. I did that poo while biting on a towel so as not to yell from the pain. Oh god I will never forget the feeling of relief when it ended :)

I actually done a Freddie Mercury style air punch after I managed to finally poop after five days.

Like this

five days? Just five days??

Try a whole month!!!

just sat in bed feeling very very fed up due to a stubbourn toddler refusing to stop shouting the house down and worrying about a scan tomorrow as my placentas not working and then I read this I burst out laughing my dh husband had a heart attack more at the thought we may disturb our dd who has just quietend down!

hillarious ladies!!!!
the confusion over recovery position and crash position is a corker!

god what is it with the pooing issues constipation piles anal fissher (bum tear due to big poos!) and bleeding bum!
my wind is horific and I cant hold it in wouldnt mind but the smell could kill grown men!! I had to keep scurrying from aisle to aisle in tesco for the unfortunate smell I was leaving behind I just couldnt hold it in!! my weekly shop took an age!

burping I burp like a man!!

awfull smelly discharge went to gp no infection just my new feminine odour what a treat!

wow what a delight my dh must find me!!!
xxxx

oohhh and I forgot the yards of endless bloody snot!!!! and mini nose bleeds x

oh god, am on the slippery slope down too. Pooing has become quite an event. Each poo also seems to be a three step event. Im too worried that my vag is going to fall out if i put too much effort into it, the 'cheeseburger' crotch makes sense now.... And have noticed twice a very slight hint of a wee just trying to exit when im squeezing a fart out in a 'silence in' type manner. This was NOT going to happen to me, i was sure.

ps, was starting to wonder if the recovery position poo was some secret weapon i had yet to discover!

Garlic, would 'The crash position' be 'put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye'? Id like to see you do that whilst pregnant!!

goose and boomerwang I am entering week 2 of no pooing. And I feel that I may never poo again. Not only does this sadden me but I have a sore tummy and massive bloating when I eat. (offers prayers to god of bowel movements).

Sorry garlic not sure where I got goose from - too early for baby brain, surely?!!

Almost 30 weeks and still vomming. What's cute is my bottom doesn't want to be feel left out and joins in, so every time I retch I wee myself. Have therefore developed the Double Fluids Technique of sitting on the loo and vomming into the bin. Skills.

Question - lady garden has become like something the Prince might hack his way through in Sleeping Beauty but I cannot see it much less trim it. Has anyone developed any genius techniques for tending to it? DP very sweetly did my toe nails but I think 'darling, can you groom my pubes' might be a bit beyond the pale when it comes to preserving the mystique in the relationship...

i'm only 7+5 and i already have satanic farts. I don't usually fart in front of DP but last night i couldn't help it. His face was a picture! This is payback tho so he can't complain. I daren't sneak one out at my desk as they are so toxic they could strip the paint off the walls.

DP can't believe how pregnant i already look but i am trying to explain it is just wind...lots and lots of wind

I am dreading the rest, as i already suffer from constipation and extreme hairiness at the best of times :(

Does anyone else suffer from bad smelling wee? When I wake up in the night, my wee smells terrible. It isn't bad during the day, but it's bad at night. Maybe cos I'm having a boy and my body is helping to clear out his wee at night as well is my theory.