The TMI pregnancy complaints you can't tell your colleagues

[Garliccheesechips]

My fanjo flaps are fucking KILLING ME.

Is it wrong to be jealous of someones big soft poo???

Everyone here is hilarious. Laughing out loudly enough to frighten poor DH. I remember the days of no poo, giant farts, burps and the hairiest stomach of all times, and then it went up in flames with stretch marks.
I don't miss my underpants rolling off my tummy, nor the inability to get out of the sofa. The feet that became one size larger, the boobs that were big enough to block the tummy and the nipples that hurt like hell in the cold.

lucky I could go 2 months without having to shave legs (and im usually yeti-like!Has come back with a vengance now tho

Glad we are all helping with one another's poo needs

I can't see to trim "down below" either (and pretty sure it's jungle-like), and I dread having to shave my legs. DH has offered to do the latter, but I'm not sure I wouldn't just tell him he's doing it wrong!!

I have to wash and change my bottom half sometimes three times a day.

Ie discharge, moisture (sweat for increased heat re blood flow?) is just too much, if I hadnt had a scan last week saying liquor volume normal I'd be convinced I must be leaking fluid, it's unbelievable.

Every time I move I think I need the loo even when I've just been.

Big pants on the go, 36 weeks.

I'm 23 weeks with DD2.. Not farting like you lot (thank god) but my flaps are definitely huge, I've got that much discharge my knickers can skip to the washing basket, I love how I've taken to waddling rather than walking and my husband keeps laughing at my usually small boobs can now rest on my stomach !! I dont think they realise how bloody sexy this pregnancy malarky is hahaha

I'm very emotional that crash position pooing has worked for Holls.

I have just had to hold a cushion in front of my face to stop my laughing from waking up DD. This is so hilarious.

I too have smelly wee. It's horrid. Nothing sinister there, just a weird stink in the morning.

I'd love to be able to sneeze without peeing myself and sicking at the same time. I really don't know which end is worse.

I'm 17 weeks now with DC2, so some things haven't kicked in yet, but with DD I got a grey scaly coating of skin in my arm pits. Really sexy. A few weeks after the birth it just peeled away. Also by the end, I couldn't even get my feet into size 9 shoes because of the swelling.

Oh god mamattoo I tried to get up from the sofa last night and it was just like that scene in Men in Black 2 where Will Smith is trying to get off a huge pile of plastic tunnelling rolls! My boyfriend just sat there laughing at me. I eventually got up by lying on my side, slithering to the floor, putting my knees on the floor facing the sofa and then using my arms to drag myself back upright.

I'm only 26 weeks!

Haven't read all new post yet but please, boomer stop boasting about your nice poo. No sooner have I got rid of one, I can feel the next bout of constipation starting. Windy pops central here!!

And oh boy am I grateful for the words of wisdom re the crash position. And for the fact that this thread makes me properly giggle

I love how when the recovery position was mentioned it never occurred to me that what was actually meant was crash position yet strangely I can relate to the original recovery position statement.

This is the best threat ever! I thought it was just me with the piles, involuntary wee and hairy belly.

Great thread!

FWIW I too can only do ginormous agonising poos, blood and all (despite not being constipated - can push out several of those in a day), plus the toxic farts and never ending snot supply.

In addition my boobs are big enough that my bump has only recently become bigger (33 weeks!), and I am constantly sweaty underneath them, where my bra strap rubs. Lovely. I constantly want to lift them up and wash underneath with a nice cool flannel and finish off with talc. Not that I do this of course...

Also swollen ankles/lower legs, by lunchtime I have deeply embedded sock marks (regardless of whether ankle or knee highs), somedays so bad I also get shin splints so have to walk v slowly lifting feet in a weird manner otherwise in agony.

"it will all be worth it"

Being constipated is the worst (along with the insomnia!). Around the 16 weeks mark I had a particularly nasty case and after 10 days of eating curry/figs/prunes with no luck I was given a tip that saved me. Eating Kiwi fruit, all of the Kiwi tho, fuzzy skin and everything. Really works!

Constipated? Its been falling out of my arse the past few days (12 weeks gone). Am I a freak of nature?

DH and I looking forward to the dirty farts though. We're quite competitive in that regard, so it'll be exciting to get one over on him.

this thread is hilarious!!
seem to be getting away quite lightly in the poo department and the odourous fart department, but the uncontrollable fart dept? not so much! they come form nowhere, unexpectedly. not so bad if quiet but generally much louder when in public

I am quite excited about said 'crash position' as I've been having some difficulties with releasing of the poo. However, I have some areas of confusion. Where would one actually perform the act? Presumably it would be carried out in the bathroom; but would I have to climb up on to the toilet seat with one's feet on either side of the toilet pan (in which case would DH need to hold me for support in case I toppled off?). Or ah I've got it...crouch down next to toilet with some newspaper under foot to catch the offending poo?

You could sit on the loo, and get DH to get on all fours in front of you so you can put your feet on his back maybe???

Vaseline is not used on lips amymore but on yer bum....sits next to lactoluse.

Sweating soo much you look like you've pee'd yourself. Then actually peeing urself when u cough!!!!

you are all gems! I am wiping the tears away...! At 40+5 I have been a bit emotional today and this has really cheered me up no end!!

Such a relief to see I am not alone in these lovely side-effects of pregnancy. Last night I did some corker farts, that get 'trapped' under the duvet! Dh was NOT impressed when he went to turn over, lifted the duvet cover up around his face and got a pocketful of pregnancy farts! mmm sexy.

Am hating the hairiness... going for a sweep tomorrow and might have to start trying to de-fuzz myself now. The other week (near due date) i thought i would attempt to shave in case things kicked off... half an hour later Im still in the shower, thinking i've got it all. Get out and hardly scratched the surface! I shall miss it all though... (really?? Im thinking my pregnancy brain has driven me mad).

Lots of other lovely things to reminisce about too...

• Sticky nipples that graze your arm if not wearing a bra creating sticky arm
• Excruciatingly painful nipples when cold
• Out of control lady garden which DH will have to trim at some point
• Fanny farts that really hurt your flaps
• Pregnancy induced aneamia, treated with iron tablets, giving the most impressively black poos in the whole world!
• And finally, the discharge. Oh the discharge! I'm so fucking well sick of feeling wet all the damn time!

Why did I not remember this from my first pregnancy?

Right, here's another one, noticed this morning, I'd forgotten this from last time.

Every bit of me gets bigger in a very specific order. Today it is my upper thighs. I am CHAFING between my legs. Not helped of course by the permanent... wetness... close to that area.

It's quite therapeutic, this thread.