Friend on phone in tears over sex of baby. What do I do?

[virgiltracey]

So my friend discovered the sex of her baby today and is having a boy. She is very very upset about it. This will be second baby and her first was a girl. She clearly wanted another girl and thought she was having another girl. She is incredibly negative about having a boy.

I haven't ever experienced anything like this before. Not sure what to do. I know her mother well. Would you tell her mother? I'm worried that she is depressed and should see someone.

bravo caringforpod! You'll love your boy completely and utterly, because he's yours. When he's born he will be the most perfect thing you've every seen!
Well done for posting this, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!

Hi All

I think some of the posters on here have been harsh and as someone else mentioned, there will be some lurkers who are having similar thoughts on gender preference and may be too scared to admit them after reading some of the more nasty comments.

Ok, so am going to add my view and hope I don't get mauled!

With 1st PG, I was absolutely convinced I was having a boy. No idea why. However we chose both male (didn?t particularly like but were soo stuck) and females (absolutely loved) names and when DD was born, was elated. But am sure for a mini-second I did think oh. Only because I was soo convinced I was having a boy, it threw me for a second. Don't think I necessarily had a preference.

With this 2nd PG, am convinced it will be a girl but am secretly hoping for a boy. Not because I don't adore my daughter, I DO! However a little part of me would like one of each and to experience children of both genders (I know I am generalising that genders carry traits but still ??..).
I was honest with OH and told him this, am probably 70/30. He then admitted he was 51/49. So would like to have a boy this time too but only marginally over a girl.
This does not mean we don't love our DD and wouldn?t welcome DD2. It just means we were being honest that its nice to experience something new / have one of each.
Whether we have a girl or a boy, we only want 2 children, so its not like I plan to keep popping them out til I have a boy. Whatever happens, happens. And I know I will be more than happy! But I am allowed to have a preference, Free will still exists.

DD is desperate for a girl and doesn?t want a baby boy. Am aware that she will get over it when the baby arrives but still, at the moment, it?s a lot of what ifs, so we are not pushing her to accept a baby boy as may not need to.

So, we have our 20 week scan this Friday.
I want to find out what we will be having, for amongst other reasons, practicalities of clothes, preparing my daughter whichever way and for me to know.
In no way would I reject a DD2 or even want to select his/her gender, its nature?s gift, but would it be so wrong to know and possibly limit any false hope.

So this theory where most posters are anti-boy is also incorrect for me.

Might be a point of view worth considering or maybe just not.

Is this not a case of people being a bit harsh on here? Yep maybe depression is the problem here. I think people who are trying to have a baby and cant its sad for them to hear this I can understand but then on the flip side of the coin all is prob not what it seems think your friend is having a hard time with something. Not sure what though maybe ask her mum if she has found her daughter to be acting weird? Take if from there? Its prob not even about the sex of the baby but a build up of something else? I have a DS whom is 5 and expecting a baby we dont know what the sex is its quite exciting. I had PND with DS and it not nice and have suffered with depression over certain things in life hasnt everyone? Is everyone not entitled to have a melt down at some point in thier lives if things get too much throw hormones and whatever else into it and who knows what you end up with? My cousin had IVF and she has a DS now she was depressed and I helped as much as I could. I would of been the same if she had a melt down because she wanted a girl and was pregnant with a boy.

I can accept that some people want a particular 'flavour' baby as some sort of wierd fashion accessory to complete their family so to those people I'd say 'get a grip' with no guilt at all.

However, I have a v close friend who has 3 boys. I only got to know her really when she was pg with ds3. She was desperate for a girl and was devastated when she found out at 20 weeks that he was, in fact, a he.

Initially I was really cross with this for all the reasons listed above. Then, as I got to know her better, she told me a lot about her childhood and how she had never got on with her mum or felt loved or wanted and felt that if she was the mum of a girl she might be able to do a better job and do some self-healing.

She still gets upset when friends have baby girls (I am currently 15wks with dc4 and am epprehensive on her behalf in case it's a girl) but is resigned to her lot and adores her boys. I therefore would not judge from what the OP has said but wonder whether there is a lot more to it? Being a friend is about the best things you can do without judging. I'm sure you can make a better decision than us about whether she needs to 'get a grip' or get more support.

I found out that we are having a boy about six weeks ago. I had thought beforehand that I would be equally happy with either sex, but when the sonographer told me it was a boy I was utterly shocked by the news, and even more shocked and horrified by my own reaction. Like the OP's friend I spent a lot of time in the next few weeks crying about it (and more so again after discovering this thread last night), and a lot of time trying to work out the reasons why I should have such an irrational response.

There are lots of possible reasons, from silly anxieties about the logistics of sharing rooms etc to things remembered from my own childhood, but the only thing that was really clear was the overwhelming fear that because I had reacted like this I would not be able to love the baby in the same way that I love dd. Which of course makes comments on here like "I feel sorry for her child" so particularly painful.

OP, your friend is lucky to be able to confide in you about this. I certainly didn't feel able to talk to anyone about it (I did think of starting a thread on here but thank god now that I didn't). I haven't got much advice except that it will probably be good for her to hear all your positive experiences of having boys, it will definitely be good for her to just talk to you about why she thinks she might be feeling likke this, and at least from my experience, even six weeks on it gets much much easier.

Virgil, I'm glad you are talking to your friend and trying to support her.

Can I suggest that (if you are feeling generous), you buy her DD this book. I gave it to my DD when I was pregnant with my DS (didn't know he was going to be a boy though). The baby is a boy, and it does show a lovely relationship between big sister and little brother developing.

Maybe you could look at the book with your friend, talk about her DD and subtly point out that she will have a wonderful time with her little brother.

Tell her she should be gratfull for what she gets as there are ppl that cant have children

cece, did you read the thread at all? Did you see that nasty comments like that are unhelpful and unnecessary?

Thanks to all who have shared their stories. It makes me feel a bit more normal (not a usual feeling at the moment) and like I'm not alone. So, thank you one and all.

I know I am lucky to be having a baby at all. That's not the issue. The gender is just like a tipping point for all the other issues that have reared their ugly heads in this pregnancy.

I hope all those needing support get the help they deserve - don't be afraid to talk to your midwife/GP; that's what they're there for.

x

I wanted another girl after my first, but had a boy - but wow, the bond I have with my son is so different than with my daughter, I totally adore him, and I never wanted a boy... of course I love my little girl, but I do have a different kind of relationship with her... hopefully your friend will feel this too when he is born