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Original poster

Friend on phone in tears over sex of baby. What do I do?

135 replies

virgiltracey · 31/01/2011 20:47

So my friend discovered the sex of her baby today and is having a boy. She is very very upset about it. This will be second baby and her first was a girl. She clearly wanted another girl and thought she was having another girl. She is incredibly negative about having a boy.

I haven't ever experienced anything like this before. Not sure what to do. I know her mother well. Would you tell her mother? I'm worried that she is depressed and should see someone.

OP posts:
Paribus · 31/01/2011 21:25

Geez, some of the comments are truly nasty. There are children dying of hunger in Africa- does it make you eat less? The same logic applies to the comments "how can she be so selfish if lots of people can't conceive?". And I'm not even mentioning "I feel sorry for her child not for ger" and likewise!

She is hormonal, waited for smth to happen and found out it's not happening- surely as her friend you will feel sorry for her, hold her tight, wipe her tears and tell her everything will be fine in the end? And surely it's NORMAL to be upset if smth doesn't go the way you wanted???? Just be there for her- she definetely needs a shoulder to cry and a cappucino to share.

Northernlurker · 31/01/2011 21:25

I can't believe how unpleasant some of you are.

Yes this woman is lucky to be pg. Ok - lets take that and move on because you can't order that she return the baby because you don't like her reaction.

Why do you think she's crying? At least in part it's because she doesn't like her reaction either.

Please try and muster some empathy because for certain there are women lurking who've had this experience recently and feel even more shit than they did before now they've read this.

I fail to see why anybody needs to call her selfish or attack her. You don't like how she feels then shut up - why try and make a clearly vulnerable person feel even worse just to make you feel better?

Right - now for the OP - Op I don't think there is anything much you can do to help her with this specific issue. She just has to feel it till she doesn't iyswim. Best thing to do is give her some moral support. Take her out for a meal, giver her a hand with her kids, listen to her. Maybe in a few weeks if she's up to it offer to help get the baby stuff ready or shop for new things. Buy her boys clothes much nearer the delivery that aren't typically blue or tractor obsessed. More neutral stuff in cool stripes or patterns that she can just enjoy without thing it's for a BOY.

McHobbes · 31/01/2011 21:28

I am really trying to feel some empathy for your friend. Honestly.

But here's the rub - we all know that you don't get to choose. When you fall pregnant you are well aware it can be either sex, and you kind of have to make peace with that.

You can be disappointed I think, but full on sobbing and devastation? I hope it's just her hormones and she settles down very soon.

We can't ever choose the sex and that's that. I would be nonplussed as to what to say to her myself.

Northernlurker · 31/01/2011 21:29

this is out of stock but it's the sort of thing I mean. Something that's all about the baby not the boy iyswim.

EdgarAleNPie · 31/01/2011 21:36

i was a bit Hmm when my second was a boy after i had wanted another girl to be best friends with my DD.

But i have litle DS and he is best friends with her. and likes dresses. and hair clips. He is really gorgeous (and much more of the gentle, chatty, cuddly type than DD)

soppy mummy<
she has lost the dream that she imagined - probably she is in a vulnerable place if it is that much of a deal.

Try to help her change her dream, and put a cute little boy in it.

23balloons · 31/01/2011 21:37

I had a friend almost exactly the same. Her son is now 8 and she still hasn't gotten over it. She went away with her daughter for the w/e & didn't tell the son they were going (g/parents looked after him) & she is thinking of boarding school for Secondary. Some people never get over it.

I would have loved to have a girl, or so I thought, after having dn stay for Christmas I count my blessings every day for having 2 undemanding boys :)

EdgarAleNPie · 31/01/2011 21:37

I think Toby Tiger stuff helps too :)

there is so much more charming and pretty boys stuff around now...

Teaandcakeplease · 31/01/2011 21:40

Oh yes Edgar my boy wears tiaras, necklaces and fairy wings Smile

EdgarAleNPie · 31/01/2011 21:42

i can't help but feel its good for them to be in touch with their feminine side :) and it would be really unfair if only DD was allowed them.

tethersend · 31/01/2011 21:43

"When you fall pregnant you are well aware it can be either sex, and you kind of have to make peace with that."

I didn't plan to fall pregnant, BTW.

Perhaps this is the OP's friend's way of making peace with it?

There is a huge assumption that she will feel like this throughout her son's life- this is not necessarily the case. In fact, it is unlikely.

It is less likely if she can work through the issues now with support from her friends.

Tell her to speak to her midwife to try and access antenatal counselling; this helped me immensely. A 4D scan also helped me- perhaps this is something you could suggest to your friend?

Teaandcakeplease · 31/01/2011 21:43

Exactly, my boy asks for them, he wants to be just like his big sister Grin In fact I think there's one on my profile of him in a tutu.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 31/01/2011 21:48

Why doesn't she want a boy?

PacificDogwood · 31/01/2011 21:49

23balloons, see, that would be my main concern for her unborn son - imagine growing up knowing all along that your mother did not want you but somebody else Sad.

She needs support just now, and if it is more than just a shortlived flakey, she needs more support.

Funnily enough, in our family it is DH more than me who would have really liked a girl - I was not all that bothered (would have welcomed a girl, but v happy with my mad pack of noisy boys Grin).
No tiaras or tutus in this house though...

hugglymugly · 31/01/2011 21:49

This does seem a somewhat extreme reaction, but it's not unique.

I would suspect that either she became so fixed on the idea of having another girl that the scan result has knocked her sideways, or there's an underlying reason for not wanting a boy.

It could be hormonal, or maybe something that talking about with a counsellor would be useful. I wouldn't advise mentioning this to her mother.

BecauseItoldYouSo · 31/01/2011 21:50

Some people are terribly insensitive. The OP's friend is experiencing some confusing and horrid emotions right now and really needs reassurance and support.

It sounds like she needs to speak to a counsellor, perhaps her GP can refer her. There may be underlying issues that she needs to work through that are causing these very irrational yet very REAL feelings and emotions. Maybe you can suggest that she speak to someone?

tethersend · 31/01/2011 21:55

Some larger hospitals have or have access to a specialist antenatal counsellor.

trixie123 · 31/01/2011 22:13

there was a thread on here somewhere a while ago that was called something like "tell me why its good to have a boy" and there were about 200 posts full of fab stuff about how great boys are. If you could find it and show her that it might help.

ShowOfHands · 31/01/2011 22:22

Oh your poor friend.

It's such a misunderstood thing, gender disappointment. Because it's not about rationality and choice, there's no option to 'just get a grip'. The very fact that you're at the mercy of this feeling you know is irrational and unfounded makes it so much worse.

Wanting a healthy baby is irrelevant, other people's fertility issues are sadly irrelevant. It's a real and frightening thing to suffer gender disappointment and while some people may never understand it, it's a devastating and uncontrollable feeling. Like so many of our feelings around birth, the guilt, the anxiety, the depression. These things that happen to women every day and they aren't in a position to snap out of it or get a grip.

Your friend needs compassion and to talk to her midwife. She sounds depressed and it's not about the baby's gender at all, it's about her state of mind. That is NOT something she can be penalised for. The woman is in bits.

No you can't understand it rationally and no you would never choose to feel that way. But then neither did she.

Supersunnyday · 31/01/2011 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Speedbump · 31/01/2011 22:48

Is there anything you could do practically to help her adjust? Maybe you could take her shopping for little boy things abstract help her to get excited.
I don't really have any other advice because I haven't bxeem through this or know anyone else who has. BUT I do know how easy it is to get completely carried away with something during pregnancy.
I really hope your friend comes rooms to the idea so that she can enjoy the rest of her pregnancy.

littlebylittle · 31/01/2011 23:02

I agree with all the comments in support of the OP's friend. They're not nice feelings she's experiencing, goodness knows, she'd prefer to feel differently. I have never felt like that, but have experienced infertility and several other issues that others would strugglecto understand. If it's taught me something, it's that I haven't always had nice, rational, socially acceptable feelings about things. So she can feel how she feels. It might pass and what she needs now is support. Telling people to pull their socks up makes horrible feelings linger not disappear. Not sure you should tell the mother-but suggest she sees gp.

PipPipPip · 31/01/2011 23:15

Yeaouch, you ladies are harsh.

Yes she's lucky to be having a healthy baby and, yes, gender doesn't matter but the bottom line is that she is in distress and is calling upon her friend for support.

I've certainly lost my cool at various points during pregnancy, and I would be utterly devastated if my friend or partner told me to just "get over it".

The poor chick needs a listening ear and some help to deal with her feelings, and get things in perspective.

gladis · 31/01/2011 23:23

Pregnancy is an emotional time. I thought my second child was a girl and secretly wanted it to be a girl. At the scan I was told it was a boy and it just didn't feel right. I felt a bit flat. What am I going to do with a boy I wondered. Even when he was born, I kept slipping up and calling him a 'she'. I would pretend it was because I was used to calling my eldest 'she' but in fact it was because I still couldn't stop thinking he was a 'she'.

Well, I got my head around it eventually, probably by about 3 months old I was used to having a boy, and from about a year I began to realise the lovely aspects of having a boy. He does these really 'laddish' things and makes me laugh and laugh. He is full on, loves making friends, twinkle in his eye but can destroy any toy/room in seconds. My children play wonderfully well. She looks after him, and he tries to tackle her and steal her toys, but she has size on her side where he has enthusiasm and resilience.

I wouldn't have it any other way now. He has stolen my heart over and over.

gladis · 31/01/2011 23:26

Here's the page about the GOOD THINGS ABOUT BOYS

clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 23:37

i was quite shocked when i realised i was having a boy,i already had a DD and just thought the 2nd would be a DD too.i wanted a sister for my DD,i had no brothers or close male realtives and i just didnt know if i would be able too 'mother' a boy properly.

i cryed a little to myself that day.

i fell utterly in love with him the very second i saw him.my boy is the light of my life,he is honestly and truly the sweetest baby.

she will get over it,she's hormonal and confused.try to list some nice things about boys for her!

im ashamed i ever felt that way about my darling boy.

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