Friend on phone in tears over sex of baby. What do I do?

[virgiltracey]

So my friend discovered the sex of her baby today and is having a boy. She is very very upset about it. This will be second baby and her first was a girl. She clearly wanted another girl and thought she was having another girl. She is incredibly negative about having a boy.

I haven't ever experienced anything like this before. Not sure what to do. I know her mother well. Would you tell her mother? I'm worried that she is depressed and should see someone.

I honestly cannot believe how horrid some posters have been here. The fact that some people have trouble trying to concieve (which is a horrendous thing to go through) does not mean that people who do concieve cannot feel hurt, fear, irrational likes and dislikes. TBH If anyone needs a dose of perspective it is some of the posters here not the ops friend - at least not given the information presented so far!

Op, I had two dds and then got pg with ds. When I had first got pg with dd1 I wanted a boy, I couldn't imagine having a girl. I was thrilled when I did though - it wasn't a big deal.

When I found out ds was a boy I was terrified I mean full on shakes, nausea, spinning head, fog in front of the eyes... I couldn't think straight I couldn't imagine dealing with a boy. I was honestly totally past myself, I cried for hours and for days afterwards I would get a sinking drop in my stomach when I thought about it.

Of course a bit of time and letting out of the fears - mostly having people ask me why I was worried and having to articulate the stupid little things that worried me - and I began to realise that there was nothing to fear and that it would be ok. Mostly I realised that my major worry was that I would not be capable of being Mum to a boy. Within just days I was laughing at myself, I was still nervous because it was the unknown for me but not that world shattering terror that I had started out with!

At this stage I would suggest you listen to her, talk to her. I suspect she will get over this quite quickly but if she is still in a state in a week or so then think about suggesting a chat with the MW or with her mother if you think she is the type of mum to say the right thing! Please do not tell her to "get a grip" this is really not a voluntary thing and whilst she does need to get a grip of herself she needs to be helped to do that not forced!

How many of you are in full control of your emotions and approach everything logically and without any feeling at all? How many of you are never surprisd by the way you feel about something? How many of you have never cried over something silly like, say, breaking a piece of crockery? Never been upset by a fictional character dying on TV?

If your child is teased at school do you think "Oh, never mind, other children have it far worse, we should think ourselves lucky it's only teasing"

People aren't robots. They don't behave with logic every single second and they don't all react the same.

Right now, this is a big thing for the OPs friend. No doubt she will look back on these feelings and realise they were daft but right now it's a big thing and she needs time to deal with the feelings. Far better to be feeling them now than to have a single moment of disappointment when the baby is born. By the time DS2 was born I was over it and ready to greet him with joy (and he was born 3 days after I found out so it didn't take long).

Ignore the nasty posts.

Of course she will be happy to have a healthy baby.

Doesn't make the distress at the moment less.

Speak to her. Ask her what she is frightened of.

I was so irrational when I heard I was having a boy, I thought, "But I don't know how to change a boy's nappy".

I look back and laugh at how silly that was and am so glad I have my son. He is different to DD, more cuddly.

Listen to her, let her express herself and be there for her.

I would say its a fear of the unknown, especially if there are money worries and her dh being a bit of an unknown entity.

Just listen I say, she can and will eventually work it in her own time

Poor baby.
What a strange reaction from friend, especially as she is already a mum and knows how needy and beautiful and perfect babies are.
Are there deeper issues about males? what is her relationship like? has she been abused in past?

Sorry, I've not time to read all the replies so don't know if anyone else has mentioned the condition known as gender disappointment? This is a real medical condition and can have serious implications. Your friend might find this website helpful:
www.in-gender.com/gender_disappointment/

I met a lady who had this condition after her 3rd boy and then got pregnant for a 4th time. She spent her whole pregnancy obsessed with the gender and had about 6 private gender scans as she couldn't believe that her unborn baby was a girl (which she really yearned for). In the end that girl had a very serious congenital condition that was missed on all 6 private and 2 NHS scans and she nearly died because it went undiagnosed. Had it been diagnosed her baby would not have had to endure such a rollercoaster start to life. Yes, she would still have needed one repair operation but not as many operations and resuscitations as she did. That Mum now regrets being so focused on gender when there were much more important things that she could have considered.

Like some people have said it sounds like depression. I have been depressed in the past and I tended to focus my depression on one thing (even though that particular thing was not really the issue)in an obsessive way.

She needs to count her blessings that she will have a child and then count them again that it will be a healthy child. I agree she needs to get a grip. Crying over the sex of a baby is truly selfish.

So, sadiesadiemarriedlady (and others), are you always in complete control of your emotional reactions?

sadie, you should become a counsellor. Seriously, anybody at the mercy of their emotions, depression, anxiety etc just needs somebody like you to tell them to get a grip. I don't know why we didn't think of that before.

Wow, I hope I never, EVER, need to ask for advice from any of you. What a bunch of horrid, unsupportive people you are.

OP, give your friend some support, that is after all, what friends do for each other. Help her talk through why she is feeling this disappointment. It may help to talk to her Mum but perhaps be careful that your friend doesn't feel as though you're all talking about her behind her back.

I'm still aghast at all this.

Can I just say to the 'get a grip' brigade, the next time you ask a friend, a GP, or come on mumsnet with something that's really troubling you, no matter how trivial in the grand scheme of things, I truly hope one person, just one person, only one person, no more, says to you 'ffs get a grip you selfish woman, don't you know there are people who've lost their jobs and homes/have children with cancer/will never have children/have been sexually assaulted, how can you possibly expect any sympathy for your lost photo of granny/stolen wedding ring/failed driving test/because your husband has left'.

And I hope you get way more sympathetic responses, but maybe just the one negative one will make you think about maybe being a bit more kind, and cutting someone a bit of slack, and giving them the benefit of the doubt, and recognising that sometimes the facts of an issue matter much less than one's feelings about it, and that next time someone is hugely upset over something you can't understand or respect, you'll see that it won't kill you to mutter something sympathetic like 'I'm sorry you feel bad about that', and keep your opinions to yourself.

Harsh and judgemental. Rarely good when someone is upset.

And fwiw, should any of you post on mn feeling absolutely shite about something of which I have no experience or I don't get or I can't respect, I'll either not post or post something constructive, and I'll try to leave my judgey pants in my Stroppy Knicker drawer.

A final thing, obviously this thread is about the OP's concern for her friend, but the thing that gets me is that there will be women reading this thread who are gutted that they aren't having the gender they hope for, and, at a fragile and vulnerable time, will take all the cross posts to heart. I hope they focus on the positive ones and realise that not everyone thinks they are mad, selfish or heartless, and that plenty of people will understand and be kind.

Haven't read all the comments, but I just wanted to say that if I am counted among the harsh, I don't mean to sound unsupportive of your friend she is obviously genuninely distressed and should be supported by the people that care about her, she obviously feels safe enough with you to let her feelings out and that is always a good thing. Just feel sorry for the baby that he is a disapointment to her before even being born. Very sad situation for ALL concerned,including the mum. Hope she feels better soon.

thank you Bertina

awhh i do feel for her..
and it is hard to get to grips with having the oppistie sex to what you wanted ...
this is what happend to me and my partner,
we got our hopes up that our first was a boy. and iv wanted to have a boy my whole life! and then we found out it was a girl.. :|
at first we found it hard to come to turms with it, however now that it has sank in, im over the moon! just becus its a girl, doesnt mean im going to love it any less than what i would if it was a boy. as long as its healthy thats all that matters, and thats what you should incourage in telling your friend.
i know its differnet for me, as this is my first baby, but me and my partner also tthought, this is only our first, and maybe in the future we will have a boy.
you ought to tell her thou, she should be lucky she's able to have children, no matter what it is, because there are many people out there that would Lovee to be a parent but cant, and im sure they wouldnt mind what sex there baby was.
your baby is your child, no matter what the sex is. :)

Very well said Bertina

Well said Bertina.

I just wanted to add that I have had cervical cancer and infertility and even though I (seemingly miraculously to me) got pregnant after just 1 cycle of IVF, I had a moment of pause after finding out I was having a boy, even though I'd suspected baby was a 'he' all along.

Now, that doesn't mean to to say I am not thanking my lucky stars every day that I have managed to get pregnant and that the baby is (apparently) healthy and growing well. It's just that it can be shock when you first find out what you're having and have to imagine your future as a mother of a son/ daughter. Having a baby is such a huge thing, and AFAIAK it is normal to have some moments of misgiving, no matter how wanted the baby is. It doesn't mean that you are ungreatful, it just means that you're taking the whole thing seriously.

FWIW, I am sure I would also have had a day or so of feeling a bit 'out of sorts' if I had found out I was having a girl - just the idea that you're having one or the other takes some getting used to!

Its ridiculous to be devastated . She had sex knowing she could have either gender. buck up and stop wallowing

Coccyx, would you say the same to a woman who was suffering from PND and said she didn't want her baby?

How did I know that it would be a boy? Strange.

Bloody boys eh? Terrible, horrible creatures. Who'd want one? Tell her to put him up for adoption.

My sister was in tears at the mere thought that her DC3 was going to be a boy - 'fortunately' it turned out to be a girl, but I had to really bite my tongue there - esp as I have 2 boys.

I think I'd just try and bear with her for just now, and let her come to terms (it's hard to even write that) with the fact she's having a boy, and then start being a bit gentle but firm with her. It does sound as if she's not doing too well - perhaps if she doesn't stop the crying you could suggest the GP?

How do you explain my feelings then, articulate? I was devastated to be told I was having a girl.

It's as common with girls as it is with boys.

It's not about your boys or boys in general or girls for that matter, it's about a very real and very upsetting reaction that is actually quite common. Just because you've never experienced it and don't understand it doesn't mean you have any right to mock or deride her for something that's clearly upsetting her.

Of course you can continue to misunderstand and say insensitive thing but like others say, I do wonder if you say the same thing to other people with forms of depression and anxiety.

i cant belive i am typing this.

when i found out i was expecting dc5, i just resigned myself to the baby being another girl (i had 4 dd's)

at 32 weeks we found out the baby was a boy.

i was shocked, surprised and also worried. how would a boy fit into the house full of girls? would dd3 be ok as she wanted another sister?

the whole pregnancy, although 'easy' in terms of health was fruaght with other fears. dh was having a hard time i n his job, i was suffering with hyperemisis gravidium, girls were growing up.

to fit a boy in, well it felt like the unknown.

i didnt want the 101 comments about 'finally got your boy then ' a boy at last' 'of your dh must be pleased to have a boy' (which i have had plenty of), as i felt that was making my girls worthless in a way.

i cried. i cried for the unknown, for breaking up the girly gang in a way, for all the stupid comments that did come. i cried for any reason.

but our boy arrived safe. i am in love with him so much. the girls adore him. he is a gorgeous wee boy, and he is ours

i never ever thought i would suffer gender disappointment. but i did.

I was disappointed to find out I was having a boy. I'm not ashamed to admit it- it's not the first time in my life I've been irrational and it won't be the last!
Your friend needs proper help, quickly. For goodness sake make sure it's someone prepared to listen objectively and that they won't just tell her to get a grip (possibly one of the most unhelpful responses ever). That includes her mum!
I don't think her strength of feeling should be underestimated, and proper support now will help her to bond with her baby when it's born.