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Original poster

Friend on phone in tears over sex of baby. What do I do?

135 replies

virgiltracey · 31/01/2011 20:47

So my friend discovered the sex of her baby today and is having a boy. She is very very upset about it. This will be second baby and her first was a girl. She clearly wanted another girl and thought she was having another girl. She is incredibly negative about having a boy.

I haven't ever experienced anything like this before. Not sure what to do. I know her mother well. Would you tell her mother? I'm worried that she is depressed and should see someone.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 31/01/2011 21:05

FFS, some of you are nasty.

Hear her out and tell her the positives of a boy. She will get over it and she will love her son when she has him in her arms.

Her feelings aren't rational, she is full of pregnancy hormones. Telling her to "get a grip" is going to be no help whatsoever. I bet she knows she is lucky to be having a healthy baby, I bet she knows she is lucky to be pregnant at all. I've been there when I found DS2 was another boy. I just needed to "mourn" the daughter I thought I was having.

activate · 31/01/2011 21:06

well said soupdragon

Iggi2011 · 31/01/2011 21:06

She can give him to me. Seriously.
Ok when we don't get what we wanted/expected (how could she expect it to be a girl??) we need a bit of time to deal with our emotions, so maybe a day of reacting badly, but then surely she will come round and think of the good things. If not, maybe then call in the mum. Perhaps she is not upset about it being a boy but about it being out of her control.

Panzee · 31/01/2011 21:06

Put your arm around her, mop up her tears and make her some tea. She'll get over it pretty quickly. I agree that she's hormonal and a bit daft, but telling her to get a grip won't help.

PacificDogwood · 31/01/2011 21:08

thethersend Sad

See a story like that puts it into perspective, doesn't it?

It's one of those situations were it is crucial you can put your own issues aside and just be there for her. Without necessarily agreeing with her or condoning her reaction.

I hope she is going to be ok.

Rev084 · 31/01/2011 21:09

I have a DD of 2yrs and am 25wks preggers with a boy, is there something I'm missing? I thought I was lucky that I'll have one of each and everyone keeps telling me I'll have the perfect family.

PacificDogwood · 31/01/2011 21:09

Oh, and may I suggest NOT calling her mum, certainly not immediately? If it was my, I'd be furious!

PacificDogwood · 31/01/2011 21:09

Me, even, me Blush

CrapBag · 31/01/2011 21:10

I wouldn't be able to be sympathetic to someone like this at all.

LisMcA · 31/01/2011 21:10

x post with tethersend. You've said exactly what I was trying to in a less hamfisted way.

everyone is entitled to they're opinion, but frankly the "tell her to get a grip" comments are uncalled for. OP has come on here looking for advice on how to help her friend.

I sometimes wonder about people on here, you may not agree, you may not approve, but if you don't have anything constructive to say keep it to youself.

Original poster
virgiltracey · 31/01/2011 21:10

I'm really not asking for sympathy for her behaviour, I just don't know what to do to help her.

I really think she must have depression. she isn't a young girl, she is nearly 45 and she struggled to have her DD. I suspect there are other issues (although she hasn't admitted to them) Her DH is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met and I think there may be some finanicial issues.

I will keep an eye on her and maybe talk to her mum to get her to also keep an eye on her.

OP posts:
IloveJackWhite · 31/01/2011 21:12

I think it's terrible that someone could feel like this - they are so lucky to be having a healthy baby. Why on earth would you care if it's a boy or girl?

However, her hormones might have something to do with it - I really hope she sees sense very soon.

PacificDogwood · 31/01/2011 21:12

She sounds like she really needs a very good friend Sad.

sh77 · 31/01/2011 21:12

babyandbump has a gender disappointment thread in the pregnancy club section. Tell her she could indulge her selfishness with like-minded people there.

www.babyandbump.com/pregnancy-club/490269-depressed-over-having-girl.html

tethersend · 31/01/2011 21:13

Thanks PD.

There is a culture of silence over this, and many women can't access support.

I just don't understand why it's any different from someone with PND saying they don't want their child. If someone posted on here saying that would people tell her to fucking grow up and stop being so selfish?

If not, why not? Why is it different?

louisesh · 31/01/2011 21:13

Having lost my dd at 41 weeks , she was stillborn in Oct 10 i 'd feel incredibly lucky to be having a healthy baby irrelevant of the gender.Sad Some people don t know how lucky they are.

mamatomany · 31/01/2011 21:14

I looked into aborting DD2 because I was told at 20 weeks she was a boy, hormones were to blame but I was fcuking devastated, didn't want "IT" at all.
By the time "he" was due to born I'd completely come around to the idea and was dying to meet my son.
The scan was incorrect and he was a she and then I had to grieve for the boy I felt I'd lost and suffered horrific PND.
I couldn't give a toss what anyone thinks now, but if i'd have posted on here and read some of the responses I think I'd have actually killed myself at the time, seriously.

PacificDogwood · 31/01/2011 21:16

'Some people don't know how lucky they are' - I think that is very true: until we lose something precious to us or are threatened with losing it, we do not appreciate it fully.

That is exactly why feeling that strongly about what particular gender a baby is, is likely to by just a symptoms of a much bigger iceberg IMO.

So very sorry for your loss, louiseh.

Pancakeflipper · 31/01/2011 21:17

I recall in my second pregnancy panicking at the thought of a girl. We didn't even find out the sex prior to the birth.

I already had a boy and I had got my head into 'boy mode' and the thought of a girl petrified me. I kept my fear to myself cos' I knew it was ridiculous and I was lucky to just have another child. But I was still scared.

So perhaps she is in fear of the unknown world of boys? She might be loving the 'girl mode' and scared at having a boy.

Ask why a boy upsets her. You know how brill boys are ( is that why she cried on you?) so you can reassure her.

Teaandcakeplease · 31/01/2011 21:19

I think she thought she could trust you and maybe she thought deep down and hoped as the mother of two boys, you'd tell her how great they are and it will all be ok etc.

(Preamble about me) My mum when I was a child told me how awful I was (only girl) and how wonderful all my 4 brothers were, my whole childhood it felt like I was reminded of how terrible I was as a baby/ teenager etc and how easy my brothers were.

So when I wanted a child I kept telling myself I wanted only boys as they're easier Hmm Low and behold my first was a girl and she was wonderful and I realised my mum's pov was daft. So when I fell pregnant again unexpectedly, I was hoping for another girl, so my eldest could have a sister (unlike me) and they could grow up together, paint each others nails etc (insert various wishful unrealistic scenarios). I was upset it was a boy on the scan and I did feel quite low for a while. I realised it was selfish and daft and I was lucky to have a baby within a day or so after the shock, as I was sure it was a girl to begin with. It did actually take a lot of time to bond with him on birth and I struggled as he also had awful colic. Looking back I think I was depressed, even whilst pregnant and issues from my childhood were flaring up. I didn't really tell anyone about it really as I felt ashamed of my feelings and how wrong they were.

I wouldn't tell her mother, I think personally that would make her upset that you broke her confidence. I would give her a listening ear and gently direct her to the GP if she doesn't realise after a while. I'm hoping she just phoned you as she felt safe talking to you and that she'll realise after a short while how unreasonable she is being. As others have said she's full of hormones too.

louisesh · 31/01/2011 21:19

Thanks PacificDogwood I d do anyhting to have my DD's sibling asap and wouldn t give a monkey's what sex it was/is.

CrawlingInMySkin · 31/01/2011 21:21

Can I just say I was really scared finding out DC2 was a girl. Not because I didn't want a girl but because I was a childhood sexual abuse victim and irratinaly feared someone might do the same to my DD. (I know it can happen to both) but I had convinced myself it was because there was something wrong with me and I may have given the same thing to my beautiful DD and she would be hurt like I was.

Unless you know why she is scared you cannot judge. I had no idea it would effect me at all until it happened and within a week I was over the moon. I also had no preference on gender before getting pg and was very surprised by my reaction.

FanjolinaJolie · 31/01/2011 21:21

it's good that she's being honest she must trust you when she's feeling vulnerable and distraught

she's in shock after having hoping/expecting one gender over another

and in a pretty short space of time she'll get over it.

QuickLookBusy · 31/01/2011 21:23

Agree with Pacific. It is very easy to say the woman is being "silly" "selfish" etc, but she must have huge issues to be getting so upset.

Virgil be there for her, and if it carries on I would encourage her to see her GP.

Teaandcakeplease · 31/01/2011 21:24

It took me so long to write my first post I've x posted with lots of you Blush

"I think your first child teaches you how to be a parent and your next child you want to replicate the experience" I think Activate's post is spot on. I felt like that. Of course my DS is nothing like my firstborn DD Grin He's now age 2 and the cheekiest little chappy ever Smile Love him.