Any advice re what to do with regards to visiting in-laws after baby is born (long, sorry)

[greenbeanie]

I am expecting dc3 and don't have a great relationship with my in-laws, there is no way that I would prevent them from seeing the baby but don't really want them there immediately post-delivery.

With dc1 they arrived at the hospital 2 hours after I had delivered and then took dh off for a meal, not returning until 7 hours later. I was really upset as had had difficult delivery and felt rather abandoned to say the least.

With dc2 they arrived when he was 5 days old and stayed all day expecting me to cook lunch and dinner for them before they left. They had stopped at the supermarket on the way for a snack but had not thought to bring anything with them!

More recently we have moved further away (about a 6 hour drive) so they have to stay when they come. I recently had major surgery during my pregnancy and was in hospital for 9 days. When I came out I was very unwell and they had come to stay to help out with my ds's and cook etc. Whilst there they went out for lunch everyday, never asking if I wanted to go with them and expected me to cook for them. I have to say I was rather glad when they left!!

I know it sounds stupid but I am already dreading having dc3 as I know they will be desperate to come and stay and expect to be waited on. We have tried asking them to help but it never seems to sink in. I do like them and want them to be involved in their grandchildrens lives but don't think I can cope with caring for them, 2dc and a new baby. Any suggestions welcome.

this is very unreasonable inlaw behaviour!
You have to lay down the ground rules now. I have made it clear to my DH - and he seems to agree, that my inlaws are not visiting us in hospital at all. At our hospital, they send you home about 8 hours after delivery if all is going well, so there is no need for visitors in that short time period. If they keep you in, its because there has been some sort of a problem. The idea of making small talk with my father in law after a difficult delivery makes me want to cry. My DH in on board with all of this and is going to relay it to my inlaws.
Its your house and your family - tell them you don't want any visitors at all until you have managed to settle back into your family life with DC3. If they want to come and see the baby they are welcome to but will have to stay in a local B&B as you will not be in a position to look after visitors as well as three children whilst recovering from giving birth. Just be polite but firm!
They sound like very rude and inconsiderate people - you are more patient than I am, I would have put my foot down with them years ago!!

I agree - you have to lay down the law. It's your house and you don't have to have unhelpful people in it! In my experience parents-in-law and that generation generally have completely forgotten what it's like to have that much to do. The cooking in particular is too exhausting - it's totally reasonable to specify that if they're staying, they'll either chip in for takeaways for all, or they will cook. You. Don't. Cook.

Thanks for your responses, I was beginning to feel that I was being very unreasonable but the thought of them coming just fills me with horror.

DH is very supportive about the situation as he was quite horrified about their lack of help/support when I came out of hospital. I used to cook dinner and then feel too tired to eat it so went straight to bed!!

I think a b&b may be an option, there is one literally across the road, although I am sure they will insist that they will come to "help out". It's just so much harder when there is a long distance in the way as they can't just pop over for an afternoon. They seem to spend most of their time here moaning about how far the journey is, and when not eating the food I have prepared, sleeping on the sofa because they are SO exhausted.

Hi i was glad to see this thread cos i am already worrying about the same thing and i am only 17wks. My in laws live 2-3 hrs away and this will be their first gc.Mil works in a school so only gets weekend to visit. They are very nice but i am not particularly close to them as they live away and we have only been together 4 yrs so see them about 6x a year so not ever developed anymore than a friendly relationship.So i am kind of on my best behaviour with them.
They stay occasionally and are good guests generally but its the usual story of endless meals and drinks and clean bedding and towells.
My baby will be born by elective c section so ideally they can visit when i am still in hosp but my fear is that i will not be in during the weekend and they will then expect to come at the weekend which will only be a few days post op.
I like you just want to weep at the thought of our special time being "intruded on"and the physical things like leaky boobs and san towells when a man in the house. Want to just flop in pjs and bond with baby and dd 8 will need a look in.
I have told dh and he aggrees but i think logistically it will be so hard at the time. Obviously they want to see dg asap but how the hell can we ask them to stay in b and b and even then it means all day visits which is just as bad.I have had 3 previous sections and know how i will be feeling.
Sorry for the slight hijack green but maybe we can keep in touch and compare ideas as we go along when are you due?

BTW i feel the same about my parents and only want short visits from everyone.

hi there, we had a massive hoo ha re mother in law - and we imposed a two week babymoon, so we could be left to it. In the end they visited for a couple of hours 7 days after initial hopsital visit when son was born.

I was relieved to have the time to recover for baby to bond with us both, and to havesome special quiet time.

it is your time, you are not being unreasonable, and its officials in-laws can be dreadful..
good luck xx

It is up to DH to lay down the law here.If he is supportive he will do it. He needs to frame it as coming from him rather than you, something like," I've decided that it would be nice for us to have some time to ourselves after this baby, so I'd prefer it if you could hold off on visiting until 3 weeks after the birth (or whatever your bottom line is). That way we'll be able to really enjoy your visit.". Having said that, no doubt they will find it hard to accept but they will get over it eventually, and right now you are the number one priority.

Not taking my own advice LOL. Potentially have my mother and MIL both visiting for a home birth from overseas. This is DC3 for me and I have told everyone I am not lifting a finger for 3 weeks. If they want to come and stay they can but I am doing no housework, no cooking, no cleaning and they will have to fend for themselves as DH will only have a short time off work. If I don't feel like seeing anyone I will barricade myself in my bedroom!

I feel for you greenbeanie... what a horrid situation to be put in!!

If they must come can you not get DH to have a word with them? I know some children don't like standing up to their own parents but there comes a time when you're both adults and you can treat them just as you would any other adult (like a work colleague for example) who is overstepping the mark.

Additionally, as far a cooking for them, perhaps dh can find his way to the kitchen and do the honors??

The other option obviously is to let it all out, tell them what you really think and then blame it on the hormones

I wish you the very, very best of luck. Both with the birth and dealing with the outinlaws afterwards!

Carefully tho I have a thread running the same as yours just to get some perspective on things as I want to get it right for everyone. as is always the case on mumsnet one of the outspoken bullies came on and called me selfish! as if I need that at the mo. Wish people would stick to advice and opinions rather than be spiteful and judgey. Wonder if they are so outspoken face to face!

ledkr really? selfish? thats a little harsh. i too have been caught in the web of these people. not nice when all your asking for is help, advice and support. anyway op your dh sounds supportive maybe he needs to step it up a gear, as even the thought of having 1 of these conversations with my inlaws exhausts me! b&b has got to be an option surely, yes it may tick them off a bit but atleast they will get the message. how can they not know that you are going to need time alone with your 3dc and dh? its not just you and your dh here, your 2 eldest will need time to adjust to the new arrival. my inlaws drive me bonkers dont want to go into detail as iv woken in a somewhat chirpy mood and i dont want to darken my day!!!! if they are anything like them though they will think that cooing and cuddling baby is helping out. its not though you need some1 to put the hoover round make a spag bol and most importantly LEAVE when you are tired. i really do hope it works out for you all and their visit isnt too stressful

I think Moirasings has the right idea! I am going to be staying with my parents for the delivery, and MIL is planning to pop over for 3 days just after, but I am totally intending that they will all be looking after me while I sit in bed and learn to breastfeed. If you just sit around with the baby and ask them "what's for tea?" maybe they will rise to the occasion? It must be so much harder when you have other DC because you have to feed them, but maybe for "mummy I'm hungry" the answer could be "go and ask granny/daddy/grandad what's for tea".

As for visitors I think the conversation should go: "would you like a cup of tea?" "yes please" "great, would you make me one too? teabags are by the kettle". Maybe I am just rude, but I do genuinely think people don't mind/quite like helping, they just don't always think of it by themselves.

I do think some inlaws seem to think of you as a rather inferior addition to their family and treat you accordingly.

My In Laws I remember were arranging a big family party and as many of the members of the family had small children it was decided (without my input I might add) that all the children would be looked after by me as after all I wasn't a real member of the family and this would mean everyone else could enjoy themselves! When I remonstrated with ex h and suggested we all take turns with kids he said "well you surely don't expect ME or any of my sisters to miss my Dad's party do you?". Sadly this was the case throughout our marriage and we are now split. I am no-nonsense now to the point of being rude with piss taking behaviour on the part of in laws.

Your in laws seem to see you in the same way OP. Absolutely no consideration for your needs at all. I would have been absolutely fuming at the disappearing for 7 hours thing when you had just given birth. So wrong. Personally ime talking to exh did no good so I had to do it for myself. I just said a straight out "No" to anything I didn't want to do and gained a reputation for being "difficult". Oh well.

I agree with pp and if DH is as supportive as you say, he won't mind standing up to them and explaining that you guys want some alone time. Families are difficult, and you don't want to go over the top, but at the same time extra stress is the last thing you need.
As a 'just in case'- any chance of collecting some takeaway menus and batch-freezing some stuff- that might help everyone get the message too!
And I totally agree about the cups of tea thing, am looking forward to my first and as far as I am concerned a bit of bluntness will just have to do (although that's kind of just me anyway !)

Thanks for all the advice, it is hard not to feel that I am being selfish, but I am also aware that it is such a special time that you never get back.

Like some of the posters have mentioned it their idea of helping out is to hold the baby, kindly giving me the time to get on with cooking etc!! I really thought after my hospital stay at 20 weeks they would start doing more but once again I ended up doing all the cooking etc. even though I wasn't really physically able.

DH has agreed that it can't happen again but it is a really fine balancing act and although there is a b&b across the road it is going to be a difficult one to broach.

Like Ledkr it isn't just them that I don't want around but equally my parents.

My mum will be coming up to look after the boys whilst I have the baby but will leave soon afterwards (she also lives 4 hours away). Although I know that previously when I have had the other 2 dc she has arrived with casseroles, cakes etc. so that I don't have to lift a finger.

I also know that this time I am having a dd and this will cause even more attention as the in-laws have 5 grandsons. Perhaps I should suggest they come and visit when she is 5!!

They sound like a nightmare!!

I would get your DH to tell them that they have to stay in a b & b and not at your house as you will find it all a bit too much with a new baby. Be firm and don't let them stay with you!

I cannot believe they expect you to be up and about cooking for them!! They will expect the same when you have just had this baby too.

The fact that they took your DH off for 7 hours would have severly pissed me off too. I can't believe he even went with them tbh, and turning up 2 hours after the birth!

Impose a time when they can visit and tell them it won't be a long one as you will be exhausted. If you want to give yourself a week etc, then do it. In fact, with ILs like that I would be making it longer than a week.

Yeah I am starting to think that we can't avoid just one sleepover. I mean what if they drove back and crashed cos tired!awful. but obviously won't be cooking or making drinks and will disappear up to bed with baby and dd for space. compromise will be that they don't stay for entire days either side of the Saturday tho as they are inclined to do this. ie. stay for weekend then not leave until late Sunday which leaves no time to get prepared for work and school monday. They also expect dinner even if I have cooked lunch!

Seriously, when you have just had a baby, asking people to stay in a nearby b & b is not unreasonable at all. I would not want houseguests at all. Unless it was my nan as I know she would do everything for me and be a massive help but she lives a 5 minute drive anyway.

Can you frame it as 'doctor/midwife advice is...' if you hate the idea of confrontation?
Eg: 'Doctor/midwife says new baby has undeveloped immune system, so visitors must be kept to 20 minutres only for first 2 weeks'

'Doctor/midwife says new family needs quiet time especially the mother who must have bed rest and no cooking and getting up and down so visitors will be restricted to 20-30 mins and it would be very helpful if they can bring round food as obviously I will be following orders and resting, not cooking, making beds etc'.

Would that help getting you off the hook?
Very unreasonable behavour! Highly thoughtless inlaws.

This must be so difficult for you. I was wondering what to do about parents in law and DP's 2 sisters who live within 10 minutes of us, I can't imagine how difficult it'd be if they were coming to stay, even in a B&B nearby.
I agree with everyone else saying you need to decide with your DH what you want to do and get him to speak to them about it as though it's his idea and you've agreed with him.
There must be rules that at least for a few days you do no cooking or housework whatsoever. Then you can start to help out when you're ready not when you're pushed into it.
Also when you say they were napping on your sofa - not acceptable. If they're tired, go to bed. I bet they'd have something to say if you'd been napping on your own sofa despite pregnancy and surgery.
I feel for you and I hope you work something out. Good luck.

tell your husband that you don't want any overnight visitors at the house while you recover from the birth and insist he tells them that they must get a B&B.

I would also make it clear to DH that you will be doing no cooking or entertaining at all straight after the birth.

My big fear is my MIL being at the house when I get back from hospital. I am waiting for a good time to discuss this with my DH and make it clear it will not be happening.

detective. thats interesting cos had minor flaming on another thread for that. did think t! of it and maybe even book it and pay as nice gesture. Do you think it would help tho. they have habit of staying until bitter end when they stay here. 8 on Sunday night is not unusual when been here since Friday. I can imagine they could arrive at 9 and stay till bedtime despite hotel. I'm amazed at the few people who think Iabu.not that I asked that. surely its our turn to have babies just as parents did when they had us.
Wonder if this happened in ''their day''am going to ask.

ledkr, I had a bit of a flaming when I started a thread about this kind of thing.

I think there are two schoosl of thought

a. You'll need all the help you can get and the visitors can do your housework and give you a break and it's really unfair to deny them the chance of seeing their grnadchild, you're being selfish etc

and

b. What a new mum wants a new mum is perfectly entitled to ask for and her DH should do everything in his power to make sure she is supported straight after the birth.

Personally I would love to have a week where I just bed-in with my baby and my DH with no guests but after starting my thread I realised I would have to compromise a little on visitors. My compromise is to allow visitors to the hospital if I get kept in but then have a couple of days where we are left to our own devices. I am also insisting on no overnight guests at all from my due date onwards.

It's interesting the mil thing. I am mIl of dil and when she had dgs she was forever flapping about trying not to leave me out if she did stuff with her mum. in the end I told her I totally understood she would see her mum more and not to fret. her mum rang me to ask if it was ok to bring them home from hospital..how nice. I have great relationship with dIl but I am not her mum!to me the in laws are people I have known 4yrs and met about 30 times. I like them but wouldn't discuss my periods or sex life with them.in fact when I had breast cancer they were too embarrassed to talk about it. understandable then to be anxious about them sleeping in your home when leaking from every orifice after major abdodminal surgery.

Dueling yes I too found opinions not judgements helped me gain perspective. Prob can't avoid one on stay but feel lucky that I am assertive and will certainly not be cooking etc. LOL at the thought of it. will take me ten minutes to get off sofa if my memory serves me well. should also think screaming baby in night me with feet up on the sofa in blood stained pjs farting will probably help them move on quickly. I do like my babies to know difference between day n night so do put them''up'' about 8 so can escape then to own room taking dh with me.

I think its all about balance / compromise, as duelling says. I love my in laws, they've been really supportive and excited about the baby, and I want to give them a chance to meet the baby early on. I also know that they will be supportive and try and help around the house, they woulnd't dream of expecting me to cook for them etc. But, equally, I want my privacy and my time to recover and get to know the baby. Me and DH have agreed, and he is quite happy with this to, that we will welcome visitors for shortish visits but they will not be staying in our house, they can stay with other relatives / in a b& b . We are applying this rule to my family too, for exactly the same reasons. I think that is a nice balance, I know how excited I was to meet my nephew when he was born, and how I also wanted to be there to support my sister in law, but equally I would never have expected them to put me up at that stage. I strongly suspect we won't ever need to have this conversation with our families anyway, as they will realise this for themselves.

If they do come and stay all day, couldn't you simply just not offer to make drinks / food and leave them to sort themselves out? Do they actually ask for meals or is part of the pressure coming from you? I think I could quite happily tell my visitors to help themselves to tea / coffee/ food or even tell them they would need to go food shopping as we didn't have a chance to get any. But then I am quite lazy relaxed about entertaining visitors