Any advice re what to do with regards to visiting in-laws after baby is born (long, sorry)

[greenbeanie]

I am expecting dc3 and don't have a great relationship with my in-laws, there is no way that I would prevent them from seeing the baby but don't really want them there immediately post-delivery.

With dc1 they arrived at the hospital 2 hours after I had delivered and then took dh off for a meal, not returning until 7 hours later. I was really upset as had had difficult delivery and felt rather abandoned to say the least.

With dc2 they arrived when he was 5 days old and stayed all day expecting me to cook lunch and dinner for them before they left. They had stopped at the supermarket on the way for a snack but had not thought to bring anything with them!

More recently we have moved further away (about a 6 hour drive) so they have to stay when they come. I recently had major surgery during my pregnancy and was in hospital for 9 days. When I came out I was very unwell and they had come to stay to help out with my ds's and cook etc. Whilst there they went out for lunch everyday, never asking if I wanted to go with them and expected me to cook for them. I have to say I was rather glad when they left!!

I know it sounds stupid but I am already dreading having dc3 as I know they will be desperate to come and stay and expect to be waited on. We have tried asking them to help but it never seems to sink in. I do like them and want them to be involved in their grandchildrens lives but don't think I can cope with caring for them, 2dc and a new baby. Any suggestions welcome.

Good luck ilff
I feel abit better cos have made decisions and dh is on board and i feel able to enforce it.Luckily due to me having an elective c section, i will be able to lay down the rules while still well and not in recovery. Along the lines of"hi the due date is...which means that you will obviously want to visit at the weekend so did you want to do a fri or sat but you will have to be moving on after lunch as lots of other people want to come too and its too much for ledkr dd and the new baby"
I didnt need to bring it up at the weekend as i am so sure.I did however have to fend off the 16yr old pushchair they had rescued me from some family members attic

Have just read the whole thread here. And I kinda wish I had your problem. PIL expect us to go visit them They live 2 hours away with SIL and 2 dogs in a 2nd floor 2 bed flat. I'm guessing they are not expecting us to be staying, so my parents will have to put us up. Which isn't ideal when it's just me and DH, but with a DC and all the acoutrements that goes with DC!

They have only visited us once in the nearly 2 years we left our home town. In fact they only visited us max 3 times when we lived 20 mins away!

Granted they arent in the best of health but seriously.....

I already know my mum will be coming to stay for a week once DC arrives, but she will clean my house Kim and Aggie style :o and look after me without interfering (i hope). I asked her to come because I'm a bit scared being "away from home" giving birth. Me and my mum are close so there shouldn't be a problem.

I'll keep popping in to see how the rest of you get on.

LisMca, does this mean you can leave it until you want/are able to visit? Bonus!

yeah but poor you.I know people do bit of flaming on mn for this but i really think that when you have a baby it is the one time in your whole life that you should be able to do what is best for you and your immediate family..and if that is to have a house full of overnight guests and visitors whom you entertain and feed then so be it but should you be a more private person and want your space then that should be ok too.
I have said many times on these threads that i am in the unusual position of being a gma and expectant mother and can honestly say i was happy for my ds and ddil to do exactly as they wished for the birth of their baby and understood totally that dil relationship with her own mother was different to the one with me. I was invited to the hospital shortly after with her Mum and then took my turn to visit along with friends and family. I then stayed away for a few days to let them get used to being alittle family but offered help should they need it. I was fully aware that her Mum was going in daily to help her feed or have a bath just as one day i will do for my dd.

Ladies Ladies Ladies, I too have just read this thread and i can relate to you all! I feel you pain....now let me share my story.

During dating/living together/marriage me and my DH would only ever mix with my inlaws couple of times every few months, mainly my DH would communicate on the phone when needed. Bare in mind they only live 15 mins walking distance !
Even when first pregnancy was announced they were pleased but not involved......BUT TWO hours after delivery they were in the room, thanking me for their grandchild!!! WELL I DIDNT DO IT FOR THEM!!!
They visited every day in hospital( i was in for 3 day)And even turned up within an hour of me getting home. DH explained to give us space even my mum dropped almighty big hints to leave us for a couple of days. but no it never happened. It was difficult with a new baby learning on the job and they would just sit and watch....waiting for me to fail! I must say i have never gotten over how intrusive they were and it still affects my relationship with them.
after having DC2 it was the same story even after they were warned. And now i am expecting DC3, wonder what will happen next?

SIL has just informed me that she is sending her 15 year old son over with the PILs for a 10-day visit (fortunately staying with Aunt just round the corner) 2 days after due date. Apparently 'he's having a really tough time at school and really wants to come'. Like I give a stuff. And she thinks that all 3 (4 if you count Aunt) will be able to hang around our TINY flat that has no opportunities for privacy never mind enough room for all of us to sit down in even semi-comfort EVEY DAY and ALL FLIPPING DAY! My assertion that visiting will be by appointment only is unreasonable. Doesn't seem to have occurred to her that maybe I won't want to be lurching to the bathroom to do yet another lochia clean-up with an audience that includes an adolescent boy. This is the same SIL who arranged another son's wedding (abroad) 2 weeks after due date and then everyone got all pissy and upset when we said we wouldn't be able to come. . And just to complete picture of family harmony BIL arranged his youngest's bat mitzvah (again abroad) 3 weeks after due date and, again, everyone is pissy and upset and can't understand why we're not going. FFS.

cardamomginger you need to stand up now and get this sorted. Can i remind everyone of the power of not answering the door!I would do this if i was desperate. Also how about inventing something youe mw or Dr has said. I have some rare anti bodies and have to be checked regularly. I intend to use this if i get desperate ie. "sorry but mw says no more visitors until the next blood result"I probably wont need to do it but it sounds like you may do.
It is dificult tho isnt it. I have reached a conclusion that pil can stay for ONE night the weekend after it is born(they cant come in week as mil is teaching assistant)but only one day ie not all day sat and sun as other people need to visit too. Then testerday it occurred to me that sil will probably want to come too and i said to dh i was only having pil not siblings too. He said yes but i could sense some annoyance and its a shame cos you just dont need it when pg do you.

Fortunately DH is not that impressed either. Have told him it's up to him to make sure they only turn up when they are told to and then bugger off after a suitable period of time. If all else fails, I am more than prepared to have a massive hysterical temper tantrum (which if things get bad enough such that I need to do this, probably won't be that faked) which will hopefully scare them off. And if people get offended, I actually don't give a stuff.

No great advice I am afraid but can empathise. My ILs turn up with bags of crisps and cakes .

If you are 6 hours away can you just grin and bear it, presumably they wont be back for a while.

I don't think I'll have such extreme problems as have been discussed here, but last time round, PIL were camping in their caravan at a local site within about 6 hours of my going into labour (I was induced on DD, which gave them some notice!) and then I was in hospital a further 8 days. They came in every day for hours at a time, I think. It wasn't so bad, and I know they were good support for DH, who was shattered by the driving back and forth every day and worries at night, but I did find it a bit intrusive because I couldn't actually go anywhere. I felt pinned to my bed, they could come and go at will. But at least they'd take DS1 to the families room between feeds and I'd have a quick nap.

This time, PIL have already booked their caravan in for a week over Christmas (DC2 is due on Boxing Day!) though I explained we don't actually know when he's showing up. This means that if he's later than EDD, we get them for Christmas without actually having invited them (I will be extremely hormonal and huge and fed up by then and will want a quiet Christmas if I'm not actually in labour) and if he comes earlier, we will have them immediately after the birth, which I'm also not keen on. My own parents live only an hour and a half away, and last time, booked a hotel for a couple of nights.

The problem is, we're planning a home birth this time, and if that happens as planned, DS1 will need to go with either PIL or parents for the birth. PIL are in a caravan and there's no room for him to sleep there. My parents live in a health hazard of a house but could probably tidy up a bedroom for DS1. But that will put PIL's nose out of joint! What I really want is some selfless slaves who will whisk DS1 away at the first twinge, and entertain him for as long as needed, and then come back, peep at the baby for 5 minutes and leave me alone!

let ds1 go to the caravan he can surely go on a lilo. That will keep them form the actual birth and i think you have the ideal reason to put some rules inplace. "SORRY BUT LAST TIME WE FOUND IT VERY TIRING SO WOULD LIKE TO REDUCE VISITING A BIT" and say its at the request of your midwife. Be firms its not them passing a water melon thru their bits.