Any advice re what to do with regards to visiting in-laws after baby is born (long, sorry)

[greenbeanie]

I am expecting dc3 and don't have a great relationship with my in-laws, there is no way that I would prevent them from seeing the baby but don't really want them there immediately post-delivery.

With dc1 they arrived at the hospital 2 hours after I had delivered and then took dh off for a meal, not returning until 7 hours later. I was really upset as had had difficult delivery and felt rather abandoned to say the least.

With dc2 they arrived when he was 5 days old and stayed all day expecting me to cook lunch and dinner for them before they left. They had stopped at the supermarket on the way for a snack but had not thought to bring anything with them!

More recently we have moved further away (about a 6 hour drive) so they have to stay when they come. I recently had major surgery during my pregnancy and was in hospital for 9 days. When I came out I was very unwell and they had come to stay to help out with my ds's and cook etc. Whilst there they went out for lunch everyday, never asking if I wanted to go with them and expected me to cook for them. I have to say I was rather glad when they left!!

I know it sounds stupid but I am already dreading having dc3 as I know they will be desperate to come and stay and expect to be waited on. We have tried asking them to help but it never seems to sink in. I do like them and want them to be involved in their grandchildrens lives but don't think I can cope with caring for them, 2dc and a new baby. Any suggestions welcome.

just had a wicked thought about pils making selves comfy and me and dh dropping baby off at the spare room along with bottles for the night feeds.
It actually gets worse tho for me cos during a conversation last night with his sister it was made clear that she too will be coming down the weekend after the baby is born!!now that is fine if i have the section on the friday as i will be in hosp but not so great if have it the monday or Tues as it will be timed with coming home and in laws are already coming oh yeah and sister is expecting to bring her new puppy too!!!
Just when i thought things were under control.Dont mind sil visiting but not with dog and not staying as well as pil(my house is going to be like an emergency shelter)and how about the fact that after a long drive will obviously want to stay for along time esp as pil there too. Mil had 3 easy births and sil has none so i am sure i will look like a bitch if i say anything about feeling too ill after c section.Also what about other people who may wish to come such as my sons!!Just the thought of all that mess in the house and chatter when you just want to be quiet. Arghhhhh.

I am already worried about this. Mainly from my own mother. She is planning on flying in from OS and staying with us when baby is first born. We are currently looking for a new place to live and she has given instructions that we WILL purchase a much larger house with a seperate room to accomodate her as she "will NOT be sleeping on a blow-up mattress like last time".

The MIL (also from OS) has already started asking about B&Bs within walking distance.

DH and I are fiercely independent and happy on our own (or with little ones!) so I am worried this will drive me crazy!

Maybe another ash cloud will put an end to the visits!

It's dreadfull isnt it? Have had a few negative comments from others to say i am selfish. If i was selfish i wouldnt be agonizing over it on here and also so what if i am being a little bit selfish?it's not their baby its ours and they had theirs the way they chose to why shouldnt i?I think i am going to be honest about how i feel and make the rules in accordance to how i feel and everyone else will have to accept it. After all its me who is the one who will be feeling all the things not anyone else. I am also going to blame a lot of it on my mw or gp ie."not allowed too many visitors for too long etc etc and regular breaks for a rest NOT shoved upstairs in my bedroom but on MY sofa.Not sure re the b&b thing as i think they will still be here all day.
Also concerned re my dd as she is not my dh natural child and although the pils are nice to her we dont see them enough for a really good grand parent relationship to have developed. Mil is very good and aware of her feelings but fil isnt and Sil doesnt give her the time of day which will be more apparent if clucking over the new baby and its us who have to deal with the fall out if dd feels jealous.

HeadingHome My mum is also planning to fly in from overseas to stay with us for some indeterminate length of time around the birth (our first child). While we were over visiting recently, I tried to be firm and asked her to give us a few weeks to settle in on our own before she came but she was very upset by this and literally pouted for the next two days! Barely even spoke to me on our last day of visiting. I know she is being unreasonable but I now feel so torn that I think I'm going to let her come for the birth. But I do think we're going to have to have a proper laying down of ground rules though. [sigh] This may induce more pouting...

ledkr blimey, I would really get your DH to speak to the in-laws and specially SIL and tell them there just isn't room for them all and a dog!

careylou my MIL was always going to be coming over around the birth (coincedentally) but has now extended it to 3 weeks from my due date onwards. Obviously I do want her to meet her grandchild but at the moment I am hoping the baby either comes early or very late so that I don't have 3 weeks of fending off visits. Fortunately we won't have anyone staying with us but I do sympathise with you.

Still waiting for in-laws weekly phone call so that DH can break the news to them. It's so good to have it clear in our minds what we will find acceptable and also to know that we are not the only ones in this position.

Like others have said it is easy to feel guilty rather than putting ourselves as new parents first, afterall there is only one chance at the first few weeks.

This thread has really helped me to clarify what we want and also strengthen our resolve and hope that it works out even if I look like the wicked daughter in law!!

morning ladies dh and i had a real good chat about this a couple of nights ago and much to my surprise (hes such a laid back what happens, happens kinda guy) he said to me 'i dont want you being treated like you were last time so what are we going to do about it this time so it doesnt happen again' great!
i think with a dh 100% with you you cant fail.
the thing is we might know what we are doing and what we want but that doesnt mean the inlaws will be ok with it, they will just have to get on with it though. like iv said before with 8 grandparents 4 great grandparents and 6 siblings between us. they all want to see the new arrival on the first day home but its too much. someone has to be last, someone will have to wait a few days!

df-yes for sure. I am having an elective so at 34 wks i am hoping the Dr will give me a date. I am due on a Sat but they do c sections 1 week early. Ideally id like it on the prev friday but they might be funny as that is 8 days early. Think thats the best bet all round cos they can visit in hosp and then we can put our foot down about the next few weeks and just send lots of photos etc.There is no chance of the dog either as i am not a dog lover and will develop an allergy.
It bought up the question tbh about visits in general cos i already find them a bit much and this can only get worse witha baby and they will want to come more.
When i met dh he was a bachelor with a real bachelor pad which he shared with his also bachelor mates. No spare room, food in the fridge or any nice luxuries.
I am still in my ex marital home which i struggled for years to keep. It is therefore quite comfy for them to come and stay as i have 2 bathrooms and a spare room when ds is not ill and living at his house.They seem to see it as a little holiday and there is a great expectation for nice food-mil said to me the other day that she loves olives but had never tried them before i gave them to her. Now i like cooking and good food but last time they came it cost me a fortune and they didnt even buy a pint of milk. When i am on mat leave i will not be able to do this and when i go back to work i will want most weekends with the family and will be tired,dh works most weekends and weekends together are precious.We are going to have to come to an arrangement of some type or i will end up knackered.Oh such joy. I even considered not telling them it had been born or even running away to give birth haha pg over the top hormones not helping

green- do let us know as soon as that convo has been had as a pre warning. The way i see it is if dh puts it assertively and with reasonable reasons then they cant say a lot and just have to lump it.

Headinghome - my Mum is also flying from overseas just after the baby is due - but this is at my insistence!!! In fact, my dh and I booked her flight and paid for it. Mum was all worried we would want to be alone after the baby was born but I know I will prefer to have her there. My PIL will be in Australia so no concerns about interference from them. I think it all depends on the nature of the mothers or MIL. My Mum will be nothing but helpful and I will love having her here. We are taking the baby home soon after it is born for Christmas where my PIL will be. My dh is already under strict instructions to tell his Mum not to carry on about toxins and germs etc, which is is paranoid about. Other than that she is wonderful so I don't anticipate much trouble.

But from some of the posts here - it sounds like MIL and FIL can be quite horrendous. I would be laying down the law. It's your baby, not theirs!

Oh Gawd - I think I really need to start thinking about this and have A Chat with DH. PIL are flying over 2 days after my due date and will be staying for 10 days with MIL's sister just round the corner. So that's the accommodation sorted. I definitely want them to see their grandchild and have a chance to bond, but equally I want me, DH and DC to have some space and time after the birth so we can get to know each other and get our heads round things. MIL is very well intentioned and only wants to help so I'm hoping that it will all just sort itself out and be OK. But maybe I need to have a proper chat with DH to make sure we are on the same page. And people can get a bit funny when babies come along. My real fear relates to going over my due date - this is DC1 so it's perfectly possible. I can imagine that if I do go over, MIL will want to help me by cooking meals to freeze and helping out with any bits of housework. Which is fab. But when it all kicks off, I'm going to want privacy to do whatever the hell it is that you do in early labour when you're still at home. And if it kicks off when they are here I won't want them to know, but we are going to have to give them some explanation of why they can't come over. DH says we have to tell them the truth when I go into labour. But I just want us to get on with it on our own without people asking for updates and wondering if/when I should go into hospital. Never mind the whole palaver if I go into hospital to great drum rolls of anticipation and then get sent home again. I'm going to have enough problems managing my own anxiety without having to manage other people's as well!

What we're planning on doing re me going into labour is letting family know, probably by text, but make it clear that we will call them when things happen and won't be answering the phones in the meantime.

DF - I remember your previous thread!! Early stages of labour in front of your MIL!!?!?!?!!! . I agree - 2 weeks early would be perfect. Unlikely as this is DC1 . I would say that 2 weeks late would be perfect for me too as they will hve gone back by then (unless there are flexible tickets I don't know anything about!), although that they will miss their GC is a bit mean. And we'd be under humungous pressure to get on the first available plane and go over for a visit. Not that we'd do anything we felt uncomfortable doing, but I really can't be arsed with all the aggro continually explaining why we won't would entail. (We've already come under fire for refusing to fly over for a family wedding 2 weeks after my due date and a family bat mitzvah that's 4 weeks after my due date . Which were arranged and the dates were set AFTER everyone knew I was up the duff and knew when my due date was.) Oh bugger.

It's almost sad isn't it, do you think all these older family members and relations through marriage would feel mortified if they knew the anxiety and stress the thought of their visits are causing the expectant mothers of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews etc?

I wonder if they have just forgotten what it was like, or just haven't thought at all. Or may not have made the connection about being at home with a newborn and just how physical it it - the bleeding, the leaking, the swollen breasts, the soreness, the tiredness, the weepiness...I suppose in our mother's day, women were kept in a 'lying in hospital' and visitors were strictly controlled, hot meals and cups of tea were provided and babies monitored by nurses.

I am shocked that any woman who has had a baby herself could possibly think it appropriate for the new mother to be hostessing and cooking for them whilst they sit and cuddle her tiny new baby. Surely they must remember how much new babies want only their mothers? and how much new mothers just want to touch and hold their babies, after carrying them for the best part of a year?

It seems the height of unreasonable selfishness to swan in and expect to be handed a delicious new baby and cooked for! They should be more honest about their motivation - of course it's about them, and the first snap with a tiny baby, and being first to visit, and to gratify their urge to see and hold the new addition.

It's not remotely about 'helping' the mother, unless they have specifically asked how to help and listened to the answer and abided by it, without quibbling.

If the new mum says the best help would be to drop off a casserole, coo for 15 minutes and then leave promptly having told her she is doing a marvellous job, then that should be that. Any arguments or pouting after that just bring the real motivation out onto the open for all to see - in which case the new mother is perfectly justified in putting her needs (and hence, the baby's needs since they are the same at this stage) FIRST - over and above a relatives 'wants'. 'Wants' are not 'needs'.

Sorry, am feeling more and more strongly about this the more threads I read from unhappy women cringing at the thought of thoughtless visitors at such a vulnerable time!

I was talking to my (wonderful) MIL about this and she said that in her day, they stayed in hospital for at least 3 days. In her Mum's day, they went to a nursing home for 2 weeks. So it's all different now.

A lot of people seem to have horrendous relatives it seems! I'm so lucky with my PIL

Excellent post, Miffster! Well-stated.

What I also do not get are these husbands/partners who allow relatives to expect a person who'd just given birth to wait on the relatives.

I mean, where the hell is he and his backbone in all this? My husband would have pointed at the kitchen door and said, 'Go on then, you know where's the kitchen. And bring us a coffee now, too, whilst you're at it. Cheers!'

What are these partners/spouses doing when the new mother of their child is there skivvying for others straight after she's home from hospital?

I'd be livid if I had a spineless jessie of a partner like that.

Yup - it is very different! When my MIL asked me how long I expected to be in hospital for and I told her that if it all goes straightforwardly and there are no complications I can expect to be kicked out after 6-8 hours, she just sat there in shocked silence. She's 75 and in her day they stayed in for 2 weeks. I think it also depends on the country, so for those of us with partners from other countries there can be additional "misunderstandings" on the part of PIL. My friend in Sydney has a baby 18 months ago and in her hospital it was standard policy to give you 5 days in, even if there were no problems.

Mff and ex pat. It's great to hear your opinions and I was thinking today what a shame it is that its causing all this worry. I am going to hint at it next time I c pils to for warn them.
The other thing that just occurred to me is that lots of people have spoken about ''bonding'' with gps. this is just not possible. a baby will and only needs to form one bond with mother and eventually father. They don't bond with other people cos they are not capable.

people can bond all through their lives. i mean, would you tell adoptive parents it's not possible to 'bond' with their children because they weren't there 24/7 when teh baby was newborn? no chance.

so people can wait to come visit.

again, i'd not have expected my husband to entertain visitors minutes have he had a vasectomy, why do people expect a woman to entertain them just after she's had her bits savaged?

fgs.

he came home, i put him to bed for a couple of days, and then take it easy for a week or so, and that's small change to having forceps delivery, ventouse delivery, even my drug-free, quicky delivery i sustained a graze that was sore beyond belief.

so when i had our babies, i just holed up in bed didn't even think about entertaining people or cooking for them or making them cups of tea. my mother and father came and they took over - cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids and things.

the ILs came, didn't expect to be waited on, left about an hour later.

why on Earth put up with overnight guests you don't want at a time when you're at your most vulnerable?

you'll be well enough in a couple of weeks.

FWIW this is what happened to us with DS. We stipulated that we wanted 2 weeks grace to settle as a family. My Ps were fine with this plan, PIL were not. MIL threw a wobbly with waterworks and quoted the "but he's our first GC"! PIL are people who expect to be waited on and this is why I stipulated these rules. They came on the 4th day, stayed until very late and had us running around after them. I did not feel ready as was incredibly sore from tear and had back problems. FIL took pictures constantly, including those of me struggling to breastfeed. I shall be laying down the rules this time, not DH. They have offered to "help" but I'm not going to take them up on their offer, as I consider it will mean more work for me.

Agree, no staying at your house and no waiting on said PIL. It's difficult to put your foot down but you need to :)

ex patwhat a fabulous comparison i shall store it up in my brain for later. I sensed some discord from dh for the first time this am.We are going to see the in laws in a few weeks and i suggested that should it come up in conversation he should take the oppotunity to sow the seeds ie "its going to be difficult to fit all the visitors in with two big families and ledkr having a section she wont be feeling well for a few days" he got really prickly and snapped that its not as if they live nearby so doesnt see a problem.I pointed out that this and the fact they can only come at weekends IS the problem so that they cannot make short visits and will expect to saty be fed etc.He was just quiet. I didnt push it as my hormones are raging today and i felt i may attack him haha
I might put a post on the fem threads and see what they say. I bet i'll get some good advice on there:o

so many potential problems! my brain cant take it all in! its nice to know my dh is on board this time but im not expecting it to last as he and his mother have a little apron string issue. last time, after practically giving birth naturally then having emcs mil kept telling me to keep 1 eye on her son as he wasnt looking too good and was really exhausted.
i was talking to a friend about this thread and she said her mil has thanked her for giving her another child and went on to descibe how wonderful it is shes been given another chance. nevermind this is THEIR 1st child. do PILs really think WE have babies FOR them?
when my ds was born my mum thought it would be nice to send my PILs a card congratulating them on being grandparents with a few words saying she looks forward to spending more time getting to know her daughters new family. i thought it was really nice idea. we shortly received a baby card from PILs thanking us for making them gps (because thats why we did it )
i think mils give us a false sense of whats actually going on as we spend 9 months of, them touching our bellys, buying cute outfits and taking a general interest in pregnancy only for us to think 'oh she really cares about me and my welfare' oh no! its just because we are carrying their gc. as soon as baby is here we can get lost. or make cups of tea and comment on how wonderful gps they are whilst taking photos for THEM to cherish forever! please let this baby be a another boy i wont be able to cope with the carnage if i PROVIDE mil with her 1st gd

ilovefirelighters, isn't it sad that we have to think like that. I am expecting dc3 after having 2 ds and have found out that it is a girl. I am thrilled but dreading the onslaught from the inlaws as they have 5 grandsons and 1 granddaughter who lives in Australia (now there's a thought...)

I just think it is a shame as we are so excited about having a daughter as it feels like it will complete our family yet dreading the extra attention.