Any advice re what to do with regards to visiting in-laws after baby is born (long, sorry)

[greenbeanie]

I am expecting dc3 and don't have a great relationship with my in-laws, there is no way that I would prevent them from seeing the baby but don't really want them there immediately post-delivery.

With dc1 they arrived at the hospital 2 hours after I had delivered and then took dh off for a meal, not returning until 7 hours later. I was really upset as had had difficult delivery and felt rather abandoned to say the least.

With dc2 they arrived when he was 5 days old and stayed all day expecting me to cook lunch and dinner for them before they left. They had stopped at the supermarket on the way for a snack but had not thought to bring anything with them!

More recently we have moved further away (about a 6 hour drive) so they have to stay when they come. I recently had major surgery during my pregnancy and was in hospital for 9 days. When I came out I was very unwell and they had come to stay to help out with my ds's and cook etc. Whilst there they went out for lunch everyday, never asking if I wanted to go with them and expected me to cook for them. I have to say I was rather glad when they left!!

I know it sounds stupid but I am already dreading having dc3 as I know they will be desperate to come and stay and expect to be waited on. We have tried asking them to help but it never seems to sink in. I do like them and want them to be involved in their grandchildrens lives but don't think I can cope with caring for them, 2dc and a new baby. Any suggestions welcome.

I've been really interested reading everybody's posts-this is something I have been trying not to think about for the past 35 weeks but starting to get the feeling I need to address sooner rather than later! My own parents live on the same street but mum is really understanding and has been sooo careful not to over-step the mark so far even though she cannot wait for arrival of 1st gc!! The PIL have potential to turn up unannounced but FIL new car is so precious that he will no longer come to ours as he doesn't want to park it on our street I'm anticipating the biggest prop to be SIL...well, not her but her 2 tots-age 3 and 1. They have a tendency to run wild round the house, they have no routine and she often turns up if she is passing (within half an hour of us.... Anybody else had this problem with other peoples children?? Although this will be my first, my youngest sister is only 7 so I'm used to having little ones around and (as I'll soon have one of my own!) love little kiddies but I find them so much more draining than all parents and PIL added together!! Pls help!

cardamon and others with visiting ILs.

Perhaps to avoid the "no, we can;t see you today because Cardamon's in early labour" situation, your DH needs to tell his family that you may well not be able to see them everyday because you need to rest. And then, when they do arrive, every so often make yourself scarce for a day (maybe the second day they are here). Hopefully then if labour kicks off the fact that you suddenly disappear or cancel plans is not so noticeable.

The other thing to remember is that it is perfectly possible to go for several hours of early labour without showing it outwardly or (in my case) recognising what it was! Seriously, because my BH had been so strong and so frequent that when the real contraction started, although they did feel a little different, they were no more regular or more painful than the BH had been. I pottered around for several hours (at least 6, may be more0, including having lunch with my dad and getting my hair cut without anyone (including me) realising. Now, I may be unusual, but it might be the samne for you, or at least, you have enough warning to gracefully extricate yourself from wherever you are to go and get some space without triggering the "OMG Cardamon's in labour" response.

Good luck!

So good to read about others in the same boat. I'm most worried about my mother - we don't have a great relationship and don't see each other much, but since the preg she has been on the phone saying she hopes I will let her be involved, she will sleep on a blow up mattress etc.

It's really hard to say 'that's never going to happen' in advance without sounding really mean, so I've been vague instead: 'thanks for the offer, we'll see how it goes'. She seems a bit disgruntled not be getting a firm commitment though. Grrrrrrr.

I'm also worried about being told I'm doing it all wrong, which is already happening just with the things I've mentioned about sleeping and feeding plans etc. And then having it lorded over for years to come about how helpful she was when 'I needed her'!!!

And yes, please let's keep this thread open for moral support when it happens!

Nother bright idea today was to fill the spare room.My ds is currently rowing with his gf and staying in my spare room but is with gf most of time. I have decided that even if he goes back to gf i can just pretend
that he is stil here and "offer kindly" to ask him to stay at a friends for "one night whilst you stay"
I aggree with whoever said previously that although dh seems to be singing from the same hymn sheet his umbilical cord is stil well and truly attached so am unsure.
I am panicking more now tho cos so far i have thought i may be over reacting but today i recalled a conversation when she said she may ask her head teacher for time off as another colleague had been given it for birth of gc.I am afraid i would have to put my foot down if this happens and risk a big fall out. It kind of puts my previous fears into perspective tho doesnt it?

oh dear Pixie cake when are you due?
I am feeling fuming at myself today that i am letting this spoil this unexpected and precious last pg. My mate said i need to talk to mil asap to be able to move on a relax but they live away and dh thinks im insane. We are up there next weekend so will try and find a slot to discuss it but its not easy is it?

ledkr good luck with inlaws at the weekend, is there anyway you can get dh onside in the meantime? It might help to say that you thought they (the inlaws) wouldn't understand your need to have time on your own but dh assured you that they would understand.

It would then be hard for them to argue against it. Let us know how it goes.

Ledkr, is there any way you could get it into conversation and get your point across without making a big deal of it? I don't know what your in laws are like but I know that if I tried a frank discussion with my mother about this it would blow up in my face and world war III would start! (like it did with my wedding - but that's another story!)

Let us know how it goes whatever you decide, I will be watching this space. Good luck.

My mother has nothing else to do but think about the baby and is desperate to get her foot in the door and know everything and do everything her way. I'm due in 8 weeks and think it is now time to start sowing the seeds hinting about precious time with just me, DH and baby, and that we are looking forward to a quiet house etc.

So glad we haven't got a spare room, but now it looks like I might have to 'lose' the blow up mattress as well!!!

tablefor3 - what a good idea! Why did it not occur to me that even if I am not in labour we don't have to be available to them every single day!?!!?!!! Thanks!

Because I am a genius / anti social cow not having to worry about this so can think about it calmly...

Truly though, set up from the beginning that you and DH (and espeically you) are not going to see them all day every day. Instead, for a fair while the first day, of course, but after that, a morning here, a couple of hours there. Tis very important that you "rest". Besides, there's bound to be extra shopping or errands that either you or they need to be doing, depending on what they are. Plan some "very important" jobs that only a Grandma to be could do (buy some pretty muslims perhaps?!)to dispatch them out of your hair.

Just wondered where you buy a "pretty muslim"!!!

From the pretty Muslim shop of course! durr!
Yes will try to set the scene rather than big announcement!
Starting to think I'm just going to set rules to suit me and that's that. no more Mrs nice guy

oh dear god!! spoke to mil yesterday she has now said that because my mother was present at ds birth last time its 'her turn' this time. what am i? a freak show? shall i sell tickets? birthing partners are there for the delivering mum, midwives are there for baby. can you imagine the scene? telling me to hurry up as she wants to meet baby, taking dh off for a breather as HES so tired and then leaving hospital as 1 big happy family in their car with her by babies side all the way! oh my!!!

ilovefirelighters

"pretty muslims" . Sorry All. Too worried about getting an Eid card for my sister in law....

ilovefirefighters yes. sell tickets. Say it is £99.50 plus booking and credit card charges. That's what it would cost to see U2 at Wembley, so a fair price for you.

Seriously, poor you. DH needs to be man up, now. It is just out of the question. YOu could always invent some rule about the number of people that the hopsital allows etc, but frankly, I think that DH just needs to be honest. He needs to say that he (or collectively you, but not individually you IYSWIM)don't want her at the birth. Welcome the "support" afterwards (not that she seems very capable of that), but not at the time.

I don;t think that it should fall on you to be the big bad daughter in law. Good luck.

I always wonder about these spineless, jessie boy, thoughtless husbands and partners who don't man up to their own mummy.

Who are such people?

I always had a rule never go out with a man who had smaller balls than I've got, much less procreate with him.

Ex pat. Yes indeed! must admit am not slightest bit worried about dh not supporting my choices even if he doesn't agree. he knows he can sling his hook if he doesn't and i have plenty of support I can call in.
My 3 are very independent of me that's how I brought them up.what is it with these mummys boys and insecure mothers who act like they're still 5.
Mil at the birth? what? that's the final bloody straw. seems you suddenly cease to be a person when pg.I hear dh on phone and I'm sure nobody ever asks how I am bearing up to 5th baby at 4bloody3!

oops i think my outburst of hysterical laughing probably made our feelings known to her. dh does agree that birthing partners are there for the expectant mums not gps to take turns in 'who sees the gc born'i needed my mum, i will never need my mil! when we chat about whats going to happen nearer the time and during and when we are home he is spot on and not only agrees with my ideas but says them 1st sometimes. its just when his mother spins her web and plants ideas of how she wants things to go he then comes back to me suggesting the ridiculous. he soon gets set straight.

Jeez Louise, my spontaneous reaction to 'it's my turn now to see GC born' would be 'I would not feel at all comfortable spending 6 hours in a room looking at your vagina, dear MiL and I do not feel comfortable with you looking at mine either, so it's out of the question'

Just to let you know mil has just called and dh spoke to her. it has been agreed that they will stay at a b&b and not in the house and that visiting will not be all day, but restricted to a couple of hours each day. DH suggested that perhaps they would like to do some sight-seeing, which apparently they sounded quite keen on.

I have also made it clear to dh that he will be the "door-keeper" and if they look like they are out-staying their welcome it is his job to get them out.

Miffster I have to say that it was your previous post that was the most effective in swaying dh, he just read it and said "Oh, I hadn't thought of it in that way", so thank you for that.

Just got to wait and see if reality matches up to what they have agreed to....

Agree Miffster - super post :o!
greenbeanie glad you've sorted something out and that your DH does have the balls to say when enough is enough.
Love it expat!
ilove I have a completely different relationship with my M and MIL, that's natural surely, so what is this woman thinking?! No, no, no! Tell her to get lost in no uncertain terms :). DH needs a good talking to too!

greenbeanie make it known that you will not be making a picnic for them to take sight-seeing!!! well done your hubby for making a stand too!
miffster i have said words to that affect before, mil does realise its not going to happen, still licking her wounds from my dagger stare though!!
i must say with gran-in-law probs too at mo i have had quite a productive day putting them all straight exactly who's the mummy. sil is great though noticed iv not been myself and turned up on my doorstep this morning with a massive bunch of flowers.

Reviving this thread to see how everyone is progressing with pg and visit arrangements. We have not talked about it for a while cos dh getting defensive. seeing them tomorrow so thought id need you guys Monday! Will see how conversation goes to drop some hints but now also have the problem of being given a 16yr old pushchair which has been used for 3 kids! dh and i have good jobs whywould they think we would push our first baby around in a musty antique!

good luck with the visit tomorrow ledkr i am having a baby shower thrown for me next weekend and all inlaws have said they will not be attending, think that pretty much confirms my suspicions that they are only interested in baby not me at all. i know showers arnt everyones thing but they thought it was a brilliant idea when it was sils shower!

That's interesting. Makes u feel less guilty. Hmm I wasn't going to ask them to b shower cos otherwise they'll end up here for whole weekend!
Feel stronger now. will let them stay one night only and nobody else will be staying for a good while. just realised half term is 3 wks after baby born so they'll expect to come down but the one night rule will still apply cos dd will be off and we need some time with her.

hey ladies! just thought id bump this post to see how you are all getting on with preparing inlaws for your new arrivals. ledkr how did your recent visit go? im seeing mil today just us and my ds so gonna take the opportunity to have a chat and set her straight with how we want things. im going with the plan that if we give her something to be responsible for she will feel she has a special importance. so some of our chat will be about her aswel as my mum looking after ds while im in labour. i can only give it a go cant i? fingers crossed she listens and takes on board what i have to say.