Any advice re what to do with regards to visiting in-laws after baby is born (long, sorry)

[greenbeanie]

I am expecting dc3 and don't have a great relationship with my in-laws, there is no way that I would prevent them from seeing the baby but don't really want them there immediately post-delivery.

With dc1 they arrived at the hospital 2 hours after I had delivered and then took dh off for a meal, not returning until 7 hours later. I was really upset as had had difficult delivery and felt rather abandoned to say the least.

With dc2 they arrived when he was 5 days old and stayed all day expecting me to cook lunch and dinner for them before they left. They had stopped at the supermarket on the way for a snack but had not thought to bring anything with them!

More recently we have moved further away (about a 6 hour drive) so they have to stay when they come. I recently had major surgery during my pregnancy and was in hospital for 9 days. When I came out I was very unwell and they had come to stay to help out with my ds's and cook etc. Whilst there they went out for lunch everyday, never asking if I wanted to go with them and expected me to cook for them. I have to say I was rather glad when they left!!

I know it sounds stupid but I am already dreading having dc3 as I know they will be desperate to come and stay and expect to be waited on. We have tried asking them to help but it never seems to sink in. I do like them and want them to be involved in their grandchildrens lives but don't think I can cope with caring for them, 2dc and a new baby. Any suggestions welcome.

Tired feet. thanks. yes they can be slightly demanding and fIl is quite greedy and keeps hinting for food.very annoying. yes I feel confident to not wait on them..my memory tells me I won't be able to anyway. It's the over night think I'm struggling with cos whilst I would definately prefer them not to stay I just feel a bit mean asking them to stay in b and b. I have no issues whatsoever with visits they can come as soon as they can its just the intensity of the full weekend that scares me when you can hardly move and leaking everywhere and trying to get to know baby.
I think the b and b wouldn't help as they would still be here all day I think only option is to limit it to one night and short day before and after. dd is at school so first weekend will be important for her too.

It's great to hear all your views. Like Tiredfeet said it is not that I don't want the to see the baby but the thought of them being here constantly for 3-4 days that I would struggle with.

The in-laws don't actually ask for food although MIL keeps mentioning her diabetes and the fact that she needs to eat regularly when there is none forthcoming.

Your responses have strengthened my resolve to suggest a b&b with a restriction on number of hours here so that they aren't here from breakfast time until 10pm+.

Your input has been really helpful especially to know that I am not alone in this. I shall discuss a strategy with DH so that he can break the news to them sooner rather than later. He was quite horrified with how they were after my hospital stay so I hope will be more than supportive.

i would start collecting leaflets for 'places of interest' in your area and hand them to the inlaws when they arrive saying 'thought these might be handy for YOU for when WE need family time' im expecting our 2nd dc and just know how utterly uncontrollable mil will be if its a girl. she barely cares for her own sons as her dd is such a princess! i too am waiting for that right moment to have the conversation with dh about his mother backing off. after bonding issues with ds i really need the 'alone time'. last time i was treated like a bad mum, instead of being supportive and helpful i was told 'you cant cope' and my son was taken for long walks when all i wanted was to be left alone to get to know him. this time i could sob just thinking its going to happen again.

ilovefirelighters, I could have written your post myself. I had pnd both times and I really feel that this contributed to it. It's amazing what an emotional impact it has even years later isn't it. It is such a precious time and I think most women have an overwhelming urge to want to just be with their babies without any other intereference.

im normally a strong fiesty sort of person but when we have babies that seems to be zapped from us and we turn to mush. i have got in mind what i want to happen, when i go into labour my mum will have ds (only cos she is self employed so wont disrupt her life too much). even if i have to have another c-section and stay in longer i do not want visitors other than ds and dh. i will use this time to just get to know new arrival and hopefully gain a little confidence before the onslaught of 8gp 4ggp and 6 aunt and uncles arrive (not that they will be coming together). i want only my dh and ds with us when we go home with no 1 waiting to see us when we get there. no1 for 1st day home. then only 2 at a time and much the same as hospital visiting hours for 2 hrs in morning and again in afternoon. i know this sounds like im a real bossy moo but i cant have it like it was last time. i think making our feelings known before lo arrives is the best bet for you and for us. it can be said calmly and other arrangments can be made without it being preasured or in the heat of the moment. i have a funny feeling though your inlaws maybe the same as mine and it will all go straight over their heads. my lovely dad bless him made journey quite a few times just for an hrs visit as he could see i was tired and needed some space. its a real shame inlaws cant be more supportive towards dils especially the mils. they should know better!!!

Why are you catering to them at all? If they are unable to cook for themselves, then surely if anyone was to cook for them it should be your dh?

its really interesting what you have mentioned about post natal depression, and also I was thinking more about this thread last night. Firstly, I can see that actually while I'm normally quite feisty like ilovefirelighters, actually pregnancy has made me less confident and a bit more vulnerable, and DH has already got cross with me for letting a few people 'tread all over me' when normally I wouldn't let that kind of thing happen. So I can see that maybe there is a risk of it being the same after the birth, if visitors are inconsiderate it might be harder than normal to cope with / be assertive. I can see that in those circumstances, insisting they stay at a b&b is a start, but it wouldn't be enough to ensure you had enough time alone.

I'm thinking of having a conversation with DH now and agreeing that when anyone asks to visit he will tell them in advance that I'm tired and they can only stay a set amount of time. But I will also need DH to find ways of getting them out at the end of that time without offending anyone. I think though it does need to be the DH that polices this, as on reflection I can see how vulnerable we might feel and unable to stick up for what we want.

One of the other things that worries me is that a lot of our visitors will have a lot more experience with babies than me, and I'm worried they will make it even harder for me to gain any confidence in baby care by telling me how to do things / trying to do it all for me.

greenbeanie just seen the bit about your mother in law constantly mentioning her diabetes! I can see how that would wear you down quite quickly. Perhaps though if DH explained very firmly in advance that you haven't had time to sort food, so they will need to bring stuff / go out?

If anyone starts hinting for food, could you try saying "you know where the kitchen is - help yourself and could you bring me a sandwich/cup of tea too?"

Possibly it might help to have stocked up beforehand on snack type foods, e.g. bread & milk in the freezer, crisps/biscuits/cereal bars in the cupboard, etc.

I've sorted with DH that 1, I want to see how I feel before setting definite plans, 2, everyone has to let us know before they show up and I reserve the right to say "now is not a good time", and 3, if it all gets too mcuh for me, they have to be aware that they'll get kicked out! And I'm not doing any blinking entertaining unless I'm really so bored that putting the kettle on sounds like fun.

My parents are the only ones who have a chance of being allowed to stay overnight, and that's because they live too far away to visit just for the day, they can't really afford hotels and I know they'll be brilliant at helping, especially with our dog (who they're looking after when I go into labour). Everyone else either lives close enough to go home or is well off enough to easily afford a hotel.

I'm very lucky in my in-laws though! My MIL has already said that she doesn't want to put us under any pressure so she'll leave it up to us to tell them what we'd like them to do.

"One of the other things that worries me is that a lot of our visitors will have a lot more experience with babies than me, and I'm worried they will make it even harder for me to gain any confidence in baby care by telling me how to do things / trying to do it all for me. "

I have these fears too.

I am at the stories of Mothers and MILs taking babies out for ages. This will definitely not be happening with me.

Girls you need to plan your response to unwanted advice. For example...''oh really that's interesting but I prefer to do it like this thanks'' and practice saying it. another great tip is to then very quickly move onto another subject. it works a treat!

makes things very awkward and tense though if they just point blank refuse. iv been trying for 3 years!!
i think ultimately it has got to be down to our dhs to be strong with their parents and stick up for us a bit. to be fair my mil has calmed a bit so fingers crossed she wont be a nightmare this time round. last time she got so excited she made plans to decorate her spare room as a nursery for my son, i was not pleased to say the least especially as she only live 20mins away and ds wouldnt be staying over and we were only in a 1 bed cottage at the time and didnt get to do the whole nursery thing in our own home. after ds was born i think the last straw for me was when she referred to herself as mummy on several occassions.
op please try and get your dh on board a bit more and get a plan in place before baby is here that you are both happy with then tell them what they are doing. you deserve better

Have spoken to dh at length. We have agreed that they definately won't be staying and will be offered the b&b across the road with the proviso that when they come over it is for either a couple of hours in the morning or afternoon and that is it.

I mentioned to DH that this might upset his parents to which his comment was "they will have to get over it!" Hopefully this time we shall manage it better.

I am normally more than capable of saying what I think and I am sure some of this sounds quite pathetic really but like others have said when the hormones and tiredness kick I become a different person. I think I am also afraid of saying something I will really regret, although perhaps that is not a bad thing really...

DuelingFanjo don't worry about your lack of experience, I don't think it matters how many babys you have they are all different and you will know your baby and what they need better than anyone else regardless of their experience.

Perhaps we need to keep this thread going to offer support to each other as we get nearer the big day. It has been so helpful hearing others views and advice, and particularly realising that I am not alone in feeling like this. It has really strengthened my resolve to ensure we have the time with our family that we want.

Great idea about keeping thread open. imagine how nice it will be popping upstairs for quick moan and advice on what to say. I am dot due till Jan tho. will it last that long? I am feeling more confident now and have decided to play it by ear.I am guessing that when baby is born dh will pretty much do as I say cos hes quite sympathetic., and pIl can just accept my decisions and blame it on hormones to avoid holding a grudge. may let them stay one night with short days either side and not two long ones. They can only come weekend which will be same for my ds's sisters, friends and dd 8 will be back at school Monday so will make sense. will be laying on sofa in pjs tho and doing exactly as I please.

All these responses we're extremely interesting to read. I had not considered after the birth visitors at all yet since this is my first.

I'm hoping I don't run into any issues when my in-laws visit since I barely know them because I don't speak a word of Spanish and their English is equally as limited. I already know however they will be staying at the hotel across the road since the owner is a dear friend of my partner and has insisted.

For me however, I'm more dreading my own mothers visit. I have a particularly bad relationship with my parents and over the years have come to realize the less contact I have with them the happier I am. I'm dreading her visiting and telling me how I'm doing it all wrong. I'm hoping she'll be too busy and she'll send my gran instead who is a superstar! She is a cleaning, cooking and caring machine and she doesn't care who's house she does it in!

Don't suppose anyone knows how you handle it from your own parents? Actually... I'm visiting them next week and I'll be 12 weeks pregnant then and I'll have to tell them. Any advice on how you tell parents you're pregnant when you don't expect them to be happy about it? I guess not telling them isn't an option since they might guess at some point in the next 16 years...

I've found these answers so entertaining! I'm not even pg yet and I was already worrying about the visits after the delivery - both of our parents live 6 hours drive away. Should be an interesting conversation when the time comes...

How did you parents/inlaws react when you discussed the "visting times" ??

Ooh, can I join? DC2 on the way just before Christams so issues from last time round are going to be magnified by even more of DH's extended family being here for Christmas.

I am starting to freak out a bit about it as we had tricky time with DD - mainly because we have a lot of family nearby so sheer volume of visitors coupled with some, like MIL and SIL, staying forever. MIL idea of help is to sit in house for hours and hours holding baby and making 'helpful' comments...

I am very happy for them to come, but this time I really want some way of getting them to go after a reasonable length of time (i.e. not 8 hours!)

1Catherine1 would you consider maybe not telling them for a bit or would that be impossible? You could always tell them a slightly different date for your due date? Or is that too mean? My hope is that we don't tell anyone when I am in labour so that no one rushes over.

I am due in December and am quite worried about visitors.Thankfully we just don't have the room for visitors to stay.

ledkr i think it would be great to keep the thread open and as your not due til jan you can judge what works for us and take the best bits home for yourself
1Catherine1 prep your dh for occassions when your mum is going to criticize you. a free flowing barrage of comments like 'isnt she a brilliant mummy?' 'she was amazing during labour' from dh should keep your mother at bay for a while atleast. when it becomes too much a simple 'goodbye' should suffice. grit your teeth, get through the visit and if it really is horrific then hope it doesnt come round again for a while.
judypink my mother was great when we told her that we were doing no visits at hospital and only 2hr visits at home, i think she would want to see gc sooner so was of course a bit disappointed but ultimately understood we had to do what we wanted. mil on the otherhand thinks im being a cow and just prolonging the time baby wont see her. doesnt even entre her head what me dh and ds need/want. im just a big hormonal mega bitch!

Must admit as a gran I do think its a little harsh to ask gps to wait to see the gc I am hoping to be in hospital the first weekend so they can visit leaving me in peace when I come home.its the overnight coupled with long days I don't want.
Dueliing...saw you on the other thread. People find it really hard to understand don't they? must be easy if you have. easy birth. nice in laws. lots of room. no step siblings. I also think that post childbirth is possibly the one and only time that our wishes are paramount no matter how unreasonable. I never thought id have this baby with dh and I don't want it to spoiled. am not apologising for that!

Catherine..I am expecting dh to speak to his parents when I am given my elective section date. have decided one night only without full days either side. they can only visit at weekends but same for others including my 3 sons! My mum will be fine as lives nearby and like me allows her children to make their own decisions. was meant to be taking ds for first day in army today but as last min he wanted best mate to take him. not a problem cos that's what he wants and I bought him up to be able to make his own decisions.

it is difficult and of course I have no idea how I am going to feel until the baby is here but my current thoughts are that when I am getting to grips with breastfeeding and caring for a newborn I really don't want anyone other than my DH in the house for long periods of time. I don't want to feel like I have to sit in my bedroom with the baby for hours while extended family sit downstairs in my tiny 2 bedroom house in the middle of winter :(

I also really don't want anyone doing 'my' housework as I think it is 'OUR' housework, mine and DH's and he should be giving me a hand, not his mother or my mother. Fine if people want to bring food over but I'm not going to be happy to sit down for meals as a family or have people here for half a day when all I want to do is sit in front of the TV with my baby on my breast eating cake!

My big worry is people just dropping in, and there are a few who will. Overnight stays have also been suggested and I am really not keen on that as I want to find my own way with my first child without interferrence. Plus I know that a new baby can cause fraught times and I don't want to feel like I can't speak my mind or be emotional because my MIL is here.

Df..you say everythmg I am thinking. I want it to be a nice relaxed time too and don't want to be confined to room cos want to lie down. I will lie down and wear pjs and fart ha ha and smell and everyone else can lump it. Cos its my house. I will not provide food or eat at table or at set times and I will tell dh if I am tired or in pain and he can deal with his parents. my baby can be cuddled after feeds which I will be giving as I can't feed due to mastectomy but do want to feed it myself to bond the same as if b feeding. so there!

Absolutely LOL'd at your 'mega bitch' comment ilovefirelighters. I'm DREADING it to be honest. I think I'll just have to laugh at everything and grin and bare it; in a laugh or I'll cry scenario! But of course, this may all change once the time comes, I may also turn into said mega bitch - we'll just have to wait and see!

ILs turned up and stayed for 3 nights (in small house making 4 adults 3 children) when I had DD3. MIL kept making comments about when I was going to make FIL tea/cook food.

My foot is DOWN this time. They do not stay. End of story. OP, well done for having a supportive DH.

Defo not been unreasonable - esp with their past behaviour! My in-laws are pretty good at helping etc and even bearing that in mind I didn't want them around for long or too much when I was preg with DD1. Was worried about trying to establish breastfeeding when they were around, hormones all over the place and not to mention the bleeding and leaky boobs.

From early on I told concerns to DH who agreed and we said we'd love to see them but just for a day or two at first then they could come back after a few weeks. We suggested (pushed) the idea of a B&B as being easier all round.

When DD born they wanted to come when it suited them, not us, but DH was very firm. And as lovely as they are, they did overstay their welcome (went home at 10pm one night about 3 days after I'd delivered and had 3 day labour so shattered). They wanted to go out for a walk with DD but we hadn't taken her by this point so went with them. I'd had stitches and was so sore could barely walk.

Baby blues hit too when they were there and all they did was cuddle DD which I know was only natural but I got really upset by this (hormones played a big part I know but I'd carried her for 9 months and missed her not being close)

The second day of them being there DH much firmer and we didn't pass DD to them but I sat cuddling her most of the time.

I think you have to be firm and remember you will have gone through labour so probably be tired and rather delicate and emotional. Don't worry about offending people just stick together as a family and do what you want. Even the nicest in-laws can not read the signals when to leave/help etc.

Good luck!