Context:
•13 weeks PP after having DC2 (a much wanted, desperately tried for rainbow baby).
•I was under the perinatal mental health team for my pregnancy due to anxiety following previous losses and previous birth trauma.
•At 8 months PP with DC1 I was diagnosed with PND.
•At 6 weeks PP with DC2 was diagnosed with PND and have been on antidepressants since
•Discharged from the perinatal team last week
I'm struggling with some scary thoughts and I don't know what I can do to stop them. I'm on medication, have joined a support group, make sure I'm out daily for walks/meeting friends (although have cancelled all my recent plans as I feel drained). Not sure what. else to do or if this is just part of the postnatal process.
I keep getting moments/days of feeling really down and trapped. Feel like I get no time to myself and feel totally overwhelmed and overstimulated. I'm not sure if I should have become a mum to be honest, I feel like I'm not doing very well to be struggling so much.
I keep having fantasies about dying, whether it's an accident or doing something to make it happen. I don't think I'm suicidal, I don't think I'd do anything, but sometimes I think it must be better to be dead than to be living this daily life. I've thought of a few ways to do it, but I wouldn't want to actually try it I don't think. Similarly, I keep thinking about hurting myself, and wondering how I could do it. Again I haven't and probably won't, but I can't stop the fixation on the thoughts.
What is this? Why is this happening? I'm doing everything I can to be okay for my children but failing, clearly. Is this normal? I just don't know what's happening to me