Are these thoughts normal? (possibly triggering)

[theforgetting]

Context:
•13 weeks PP after having DC2 (a much wanted, desperately tried for rainbow baby).
•I was under the perinatal mental health team for my pregnancy due to anxiety following previous losses and previous birth trauma.
•At 8 months PP with DC1 I was diagnosed with PND.
•At 6 weeks PP with DC2 was diagnosed with PND and have been on antidepressants since
•Discharged from the perinatal team last week

I'm struggling with some scary thoughts and I don't know what I can do to stop them. I'm on medication, have joined a support group, make sure I'm out daily for walks/meeting friends (although have cancelled all my recent plans as I feel drained). Not sure what. else to do or if this is just part of the postnatal process.

I keep getting moments/days of feeling really down and trapped. Feel like I get no time to myself and feel totally overwhelmed and overstimulated. I'm not sure if I should have become a mum to be honest, I feel like I'm not doing very well to be struggling so much.

I keep having fantasies about dying, whether it's an accident or doing something to make it happen. I don't think I'm suicidal, I don't think I'd do anything, but sometimes I think it must be better to be dead than to be living this daily life. I've thought of a few ways to do it, but I wouldn't want to actually try it I don't think. Similarly, I keep thinking about hurting myself, and wondering how I could do it. Again I haven't and probably won't, but I can't stop the fixation on the thoughts.

What is this? Why is this happening? I'm doing everything I can to be okay for my children but failing, clearly. Is this normal? I just don't know what's happening to me

[TheSlantedOwl]

You sound completely exhausted and overwhelmed and you want it to stop - you want peace and space, not death, but it feels a bit impossible right now I imagine.

Talk to your GP and health visitor and be very honest. Do you have a partner/family help/friends you can confide in too?

Hold on, this phase shall pass x

[TheReflectingPool]

You sound like a thoughtful and lovely person — and it’s brave to question how you’re feeling. It’s fairly rational to think about dying; it’s your mind working through options / looking for a way out or through… but there are other ways available to you

I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. You’re doing so many things right like seeking support, walking, meds etc… well done. It won’t always be like this. Things can get better… Is there anyone you can talk to about the way you’re feeling? Can you ask your GP to review your medication to make sure it’s the right dose, etc.?

Sending you a big hug. One breath at a time x

[theforgetting]

@TheSlantedOwl thank you for replying. I haven't seen my HV in a few weeks but spoke a bit about it to her last time, she just said we'll keep an eye on it. I haven't spoken to my GP in a while, but was thinking about making an appt to discuss as the medication doesn't seem to be doing anything anymore.

My husband keeps asking if I'm okay, but I haven't spoken to him about any of it. I don't know how to really say it to be honest x

[theforgetting]

@TheReflectingPool thank you, that's kind of you to say. I was thinking about talking to my GP about reviewing medication as I don't think it's working as well now. Surely it can't be if I still feel like this? Sometimes I genuinely feel as if there's a weight on my brain holding me down, it's awful.

My husband keeps asking if I'm okay but I haven't spoken to him about it, it's hard to find the words. I haven't spoken to my friends either, I've cancelled all my recent plans as I just can't be bothered to be honest, I always end up feeling more exhausted and down after seeing people and I don't really want to keep doing it x

[Newnamesameoldlurker]

Please speak to your husband! You need a proper break and time to yourself. He needs to make this happen asap but to do think he needs to understand the need for it. Do you have an email address for anyone in the perinatal mh team? If so could you contact them and let them know you'd like your case reopened and share the thoughts you've been having?

[theforgetting]

@Newnamesameoldlurker I do have the contact for the mental health team but wasn't sure if I could contact them again. I haven't received my discharge letter through yet though actually, but have already had an evaluation and things to complete for them.

[TheHorneSection]

What meds are you on and how long have you been on them? Some can make you worse for a few weeks before the fog starts to magically lift, and you could be in the middle of that.

But despite that, please do call the MH team and ask for support and advice x

[theforgetting]

@TheHorneSection I'm on fluoxetine, the lowest dose I think. I was on them for about 5 years before I got pregnant again though and they always worked the best for me out of the other medications I've tried x

[Newnamesameoldlurker]

@theforgetting

@Newnamesameoldlurker I do have the contact for the mental health team but wasn't sure if I could contact them again. I haven't received my discharge letter through yet though actually, but have already had an evaluation and things to complete for them.

Glad you replied, ive been thinking about you OP& hoping you're OK. You can definitely contact them again- your baby is still tiny and you'll be eligible for their support until s/he is a year so they should reopen your case- hopefully they haven't even closed it yet if the discharge letter isn't done yet. Could your DH take a day off work and give you a full day just to rest, and get some head space away from baby care? Are your parents or DH'S parents local/supportive?

[theforgetting]

@Newnamesameoldlurker DH is self employed and fully in the swing of things at this time of year so he can't take much time off during the week usually. He might if I asked but we're struggling a bit financially just now because of my maternity leave so he couldn't really take time off. That's another reason they'd be better off without me, they'd get more money that way and be better off.

DH doesn't have parents, and mine have recently moved away. They're usually supportive but I feel like they're being weird with me just now. I've noticed that with a few people at the moment, I'm not sure what's changed

[smileyplant]

In my experience with PND it meant I needed to up the medication dose. I agree with others - share your feelings with your husband OP, I know it feels like a weird topic to discuss but it'll probably make you feel a bit calmer (it did for me).

I also agree it's worth contacting the perinatal mental health team and share with them what you're feeling and thinking, they might want to reassess you and devise a new treatment plan to support you.

Many many hugs, PND is a hardest thing I have ever been through so wishing you well 💗 xx

[theforgetting]

@smileyplant it just feels like a waste of time to go to my doctor and the perinatal team again to be honest. I've already tried them and it hasn't worked so it's like I'll just be wasting their time and resources and delaying the inevitable. I can't say to my husband just now, he's having a really stressful time with work etc and that's more important. When I'm not here though he'll get more help with finances to take the pressure off so will be less stressed too.

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

It's not normal that every new mum fantasizes about dying so much, but it is every normal that for a chunk of mothers they all do. If that makes sense.

Please tell the professionals involved and ring the Samaritans to chat about these thoughts as many people have them- suicide is the leading cause of death for new mums and there is so much help out there xx

[LivMumsnet]

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website  or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

[theforgetting]

Thank you