My husband is not sexually attracted to me anymore

[Lanicholla]

Hi!
In a nutshell, I'm just looking for someone who might have gone through the same patch in life. We've struggled with infertility which in the end lead to IVF and a baby. My husband found the whole journey as huge strain on our sex life. Despite me being the love of his life and, he declared he wants to be free for couple of years and "fix" his manhood. You guessed what it means. I've been crying every night ever since as I feel neglected, rejected and sad. I'm generally very happy person, but I find it hard to cope and accept... obviously we've spent hours taking about it and I've been reading all stuff online, but the black cloud is creeping on me.

You are all amazing ladies!!! Thank you for all the responses.
I've never been so lost in my life...

It's all seems very clear , black and white for all of you. But it still seems all to be very blurry to me

He is a coward hiding behind a therapist who he "claims" told him he should leave his wife and child. I highly doubt any therapist has told him any such thing.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I do think the sooner you're able to see things in black and white the better off you'll be. If he manages to string you along by making you think he'll be back in a couple of years he'll probably get away with paying little child support/you not fighting for the divorce settlement you're entitled to because supposedly he's coming right back... Please don't let him play you like this!!! Don't let him take you for a fool.

The sooner you get angry the better!

@Lanicholla

Funnily enough we also have a naturally conceived older child similar age to yours. We were - I thought - very much in love talked about everything - so I thought - very much a team through losses and so on. Until IVF actually worked. Turns out he admitted not loving the twins the same way as our eldest because of the way they were conceived.

I hope this isn't what your husband it also feeling - lack of connection with your IVF baby because of the circumstances of his conception but it was most definitely the catalyst in my marriage. And he resented me I think because it eventually did work and that contributed to his detachment from me.

We are much happier without him. As for sex - can't miss what I wasn't getting 😂

I'm not surprised, it's an unspeakably awful situation.

The one thing you need to know is that therapists don't tell people what to do. It's simply not permitted. What they do is ask questions to help the person to process their thoughts and feelings and make their OWN decision.

So your husband DECIDED that he wants to leave you and have sex with other people. HE decided. And then he decided that he wants to do it for a couple of years, and if he feels like it, he'll come back.

He's worried about guilt because frankly, it's an appallingly shitty way to treat your family and he SHOULD feel guilty.

You know what love is, op, you love him. So tell me - can you even imagine leaving him to shag other men?

No. Because when you love someone you couldn't do that.

@Azandme you are totally right, he did offer both of us enter that kind of relationship, as in I find myself a partner too. But I simply cannot do it, I'm not embarrassment to my children. I suppose in that way he'd feel less guilty about his decisions.
Yeah after reading all those comment, im sure im not being unreasonable by just letting him go for good.

He needs to understand that you and the family you created together is not an option - it's all in, or it's all out. The sheer lack of respect and arrogance he has shown by suggesting he can go off shagging and COME BACK is staggering.

You are worth far more than being a back up option. Your kids are worth far more than being in the utterly selfish shitshow he has envisioned.

Ageing myself a bit - but the Beautiful South song A Little Time would be a good listen for him.

I don't know him, but I'm furious at his audacity!

I'd call his bluff and throw him out. All this debating and sighing - no, he doesn't get to decide for all of you. He doesn't deserve that power.

@Azandme I've actually written a letter with all my thoughts , something black on white! I won't be getting into another conversation I think. The sad thing that I had a world at my feet when we met all these years ago. I'm pretty and funny and fit and clever, and now I feel worthless peace of shit! Can't even spend a good time with my kids cause a dark cloud coming over me every time I'm trying to be happy mom!

I'm four years post separation. I'm happy, more than happy. I have a great life.

Four years ago I was in that dark cloud. The thing about clouds is, they pass. The sun is always there behind them.

It's going to be shit for a while, then it won't be, and then life will be good. Promise.

You've got this.

I've read through the entire post. You mentioned that he offered you the same opportunity to explore for 2 years. Ask him how that is supposed to work. Will he be caring for the children while you go on dates?

@Azandme I'm so glad that you are a living proof that there is a glimpse of hope there somewhere. Is it even possible to meet someone else ever again!? All I wanted for my kids is a unite loving family. Something I never had growing up. Something I've promised to myself and failed achieving in my life.

@OhcantthInkofaname I assume so! But that is not a relationship I want to have. It's a bit fucked up. My heart belongs to one person, I can only commit to one person. Meaning we both stay as we are but have a green light to explore other partners.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But seriously what the actual fuck makes him think this is a good idea. Do you think he is offering to stay with you but both fuck other people so when you (rightly) decline he can blame you for breaking up with him? Honestly you deserve better than this. (We all do.) how delusional is he that he thinks he is worth all this crap.

I have, he's great😁.

My former DH and I co-parent really well, we are still "family" - we just aren't in a relationship any more. DD is happy and that's the most important thing.

It's all very well declaring he loves you blah blah blah but he wants to fuck other women to ' "fix" his manhood' whatever that means. That isn't love. Love is NOT fucking other women cos you decide you want to be free and marriage has broken your winky.

What he means is let me shag about then if I feel lonely I'll come back. Sod that.

Thank you for answering me. To me marriage is a commitment. Once the commitment is broken there is no marriage.

I’m so sorry OP, this is horrible. You absolutely deserve more than this. You can’t spend the next couple of years being his back up/fall back option. I know you say he loves you, but sadly, he doesn’t love you enough. You are worth more.

BTW therapists are trained to help their clients find their own answers, not tell them what to do with their lives.

I hope you are able to see your value, move on and find happiness ❤