My husband is not sexually attracted to me anymore

[Lanicholla]

Hi!
In a nutshell, I'm just looking for someone who might have gone through the same patch in life. We've struggled with infertility which in the end lead to IVF and a baby. My husband found the whole journey as huge strain on our sex life. Despite me being the love of his life and, he declared he wants to be free for couple of years and "fix" his manhood. You guessed what it means. I've been crying every night ever since as I feel neglected, rejected and sad. I'm generally very happy person, but I find it hard to cope and accept... obviously we've spent hours taking about it and I've been reading all stuff online, but the black cloud is creeping on me.

Im very, very sorry he is doing this to you. But as harsh as this will sound he doesnt love you. If he did he wouldnt do this. Please try and see that you will be better off (eventually, once over the sadness) with someone whol REALLY loves you.

Gosh this is so sad. I’d absolutely blow a gasket.
Let him go. You're worth so much more than his immaturity. He’s behaving so badly and you can do better for yourself.
Look after No1 because for sure that’s what he’s doing. ❤️

Marriage is not just about saying ‘yes’ to one person - it is also about saying ‘no’ to everyone else.

I am so sorry you are going through this. At a time when drawing together as a family is what you would hope for, he has chosen to obliterate your trust in him.

No wonder you have been crying.

You must must seriously think about what you want from family life and then act accordingly.

I went through something similar last year after many many rounds of IVF and losses and then having twins. Sex life dropped off a cliff and he said he couldn't love/bond/connect with our babies because of how they were conceived (they are biologically both of ours BTW). We became like strangers. He wouldn't display any affection towards me and it was almost like I repulsed him. He started to detach from all of us culminating with him walking out. I filed for divorce a few weeks later. He wasn't prepared to go to counselling etc. he blamed IVF principally that he only "did it for me" and he felt like now he had given me the children I (thought we!) wanted he felt surplus to requirements and nothing more than a sperm donor

Honestly whilst I don't know many men who said they have struggled to love their children due to being conceived through IVF I know quite a few couples where after an arduous IVF journey the man declared being a family wasn't what he thought it would be and that they hadn't expected IVF would work and weren't really as invested as their partner/wife was in it working and ultimately marriages broke down

I’d make it clear if he follows that path there is absolutely no way back. Ask him to leave and speak to a divorce lawyer he needs to feel the consequences of his actions. Asking for “a couple of years” suggests he thinks he can string you along. He doesn’t get his family unit and to play the single man.

I'm so sorry OP, this is such an awful betrayal after everything you have been through to have your child and start your family. This is not a man who deserves you or your DC, you deserve so much more. He needs to understand the consequences of his selfishness and you should tell him exactly how this has made you feel. Reach out to your support system and start making plans to leave. Its going to be tough but you will be ok x

@isthistheendtakeabreath
Hey ! Thanks for sharing .. I'm sorry you had to go through this and I hope you are a lot happier now ? How is your life now?
Well our situation is slightly different, as there's everything else: we love each other, we have amazing communication, he loves me to the end and our children (1 child we had 7 years ago naturally and now our baby boy is a result of ivf and 3 years of trying naturally beforehand)..
I can relate to the statement "you wanted this and you got what you want".
I can't imagine to be with another man, I love our children too much and I don't want to be an embarrassment to myself.
And I definitely know it's not my imagine or personality. I always had a high self esteem and now I feel completely worthless

Would he be willing to explore therapy first?

Possibly sex therapy to understand his thoughts and feelings and how he might be able to work through them in a way other than walking out to explore his manhood?

I know a friend's husband who also really struggled post IVF. Sex during efforts to conceive had become focused on conception and were not spontaneous or fun. IVF made everything seem very scientific and clinical. My friend didn't really have much of a sex drive due to all the stress and her own emotions about infertility and IVF and he felt rejected and that she only wanted him for his sperm. Add to that the new baby they did have and all the challenges of a newborn and the sexual and sensual aspects of their relationship were just gone for years. They did therapy to try to fix it and they did end up staying together. I don't think they have a great sex life but I think they did find a way to work through some of the unresolved feelings and resentments and come to a better place.

But he doesn't love you, no man that loved his wife would jump to swanning off to fuck a out with other women rather than try some counselling or therapy first.

He doesn't love you.

That was so sad to read. I am so sorry you are going through this OP

He sounds selfish. I agree with PP - if he was serious about wanting to fix your marriage, he would have suggested therapy or other ways to reconnect.

It sounds like he checked out of your marriage, but plays victim and act like he needs to find himself.

@Freefall212 thanks for sharing !! Your friends story is quite identical to ours.
He did offer to see someone, he went to see someone few weeks ago secretly thinking he is just going through crisis. The psychiatrist (or therapist) told him he has to break up with me and go and find himself. So I assume he is following that advise. We did have a conversation about sex therapist together but I feel like he made up his mind how to fix it?!

That is unfortunate that he thinks he is acting on the advice of a therapist / psychiatrist that this is the best way to resolve it. What awful professional advice to give.

I would see if you can get him to see someone else. The reality is that going out and sleeping with other women will likely only add to his confusion and distress. He will add guilt and lots of other negative feelings to it. I would see if he would agree to see another therapist first, maybe a sex therapist.

If he tries his way and he doesn't fix it, he has lost his family. What is the harm in trying a couple other things first to see if it is resolvable without breaking up the family. It sounds like he is throwing the towel in too soon (although I realized he got professional support for that option).

Also you need to be clear that he doesn't get a 'couple years' pass to be free. That if he leaves, it is over and you will move on as well. You can't be his back up option or be a doormat that just lets him walk all over you in his efforts to figure himself out. There is no a couple of years. There is try to fix this family now or you each go your own way.

No therapist would tell a client to leave his wife and child - that’s not how therapy works.
OP, I say your DH is lying. He wants out. There may well already be another woman involved. He is spouting this nonsense about needing a few years space in order to try and hide the fact he is going for good.

@Lanicholla he doesn't love you and he no longer wants the responsibility and the toil that goes along with being in a family.

If the psychiatrist has told him to break up with you , I am sure there are reasons he is not sharing with you. And I don't think the reasons include how much he loves and is committed to his family

Sorry op but he doesn't love you so the situation isn't different. He may convince you he does, but actions speak louder ...

@Freefall212 that's exactly what I've said to him and will bring again in our next conversation in regards to "make us or brake us". I have emailed a sex therapist and will see when can I see her. I know he would opt for it.
Guilt was mentioned too, he said he is not sure how he could deal with it.
This whole situation eating me alive.

I very much doubt the therapist actually said that. Therapists aren't in the business of telling people they have to leave their spouse and children. He wants to go but he wants to hand off the responsibility for it.

There's someone else, or he wants there to be, I think. I'm sorry.

Can I ask what ‘fix his manhood’ means?

I second what @AlligatorPsychopath said ......

Sadly, this.

All the best Op. I hope he can come around before it is too late. At the end of the day, he has to be willing to do the work to resolve the feelings he has if he wants his family to be together. Hopefully he does make that commitment and that you feel that the relationship is still progressing. If he only stays out of guilt, the resentment will grow and it will hurt all of you. He needs to either figure it out and commit or you both move on.

I don't believe a therapist said that, he just wants an excuse for leaving you. Does he has an affair? He might be with someone else, that's why he said he wants to explore and if doesn't work then he can go back with you.

If I were you I would kick him out. He doesn't love you and he is trying to blame ivf and you.

What a horrible, inadequate man. I am so sorry OP.

I doubt he even went to see a therapist OP. It's just an excuse to leave.