Intrusive thoughts- worried

[WorriedandScared93]

NC for this as I am so worried.

I have been experiencing some intrusive thoughts with my DD who is 12 weeks old. I am devastated I am experiment this as I have my daughter more than life itself and would never ever want to hurt her.

I am imagining very awfully throwing her out a window or hurting her by accident in another way?! I am having these daily and worried to a point that they are so strong.

I am still exclusively breast feeding her so I don't know if it's anything to do with my hormones.

I am currently going through talking therapies with my GP and have my first appointment this week but I don't want to tell them about my types of intrusive thoughts I have only been able to say it's anxiety.

I am terrified if I tell my HV or GP that there is a possibility it will be kept on my file and used against me somehow or DD will be taken away from me.

Any help would be appreciated or a hand hold. I can't go on antidepressants as I'm still breastfeeding her and I did want to continue doing this. I am doing talking therapies and that's it but not sure if that's going to help.

I can deal with the anxiety I am experiencing it's more of the intrusive thoughts I want to stop I then feel guilty for having them and then it makes me feel awful.

Thanks @DailyEnergyCrisis
I have read there is a small amount of Sertraline which passed into the breast milk otherwise it is a preferred AD.

Thank you for all the comments

I’ve not told many people in real life @WorriedandScared93 but I actually went to the crisis team at a and e many years ago because my post natal intrusive thoughts and general anxiety were so bad.
They were so lovely and like many other PPs have said, reassured me it’s very common.
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum and it will pass. My biggest fear was developing OCD permanently and having these thoughts forever but my GP and Midwife explained that many women experience this and it is usually transient.
Also know lots of friends who’ve taken antidepressants whilst breastfeeding. Just follow doctor’s advice and trust them as they’ll have met many new mums who have anxiety or depression.
Sending love xx

Yes, that’s right. It’s a very small amount and thought to be too in significant to have an affect on the baby.
with all prescribing it’s a risk v benefit decision and in lots of cases the benefit to the mothers mental health outweighs the small theoretical risk. In practise it’s prescribed frequently in breastfeeding so there’s a lot of evidence to suggest it’s safe.

Also @WorriedandScared93 you can tell them about the intrusive thoughts without giving too much detail so you’re being honest (which is important) but not then worrying about the detail.
I said something general like ‘I can’t walk down the stairs with dc because in my mind I can keep imagining dropping him’ etc. I didn’t use words like ‘deliberately’ or ‘throw’ but they knew exactly what I meant and understood straight away these were intrusive thoughts . They explained that the thoughts were the exact opposite to what my real thoughts would be which is why they were so upsetting xx

@WorriedandScared93 I meant you could leave out the details and talk more generally if you wanted so you are not going away worrying about what you’ve said, not because I think the doctor would worry about the details.
They will know they are intrusive thoughts and although I was sad and shocked to hear PP’s experience about social services, I assume this is incredibly rare as OCD thoughts postnatally are in wine to be very common.

*known not wine!
FML 🤦🏼‍♀️

That is very true. That's exactly what a psychiatrist explained to me. Many people have intrusive thoughts, but some people draw meaning to them and hold onto them. As someone who has suffered from ocd all my life I get this but sometimes it's hard to let these thoughts go.

@WorriedandScared93 I did feel guilty at the prospect of taking anything while breastfeeding. I had been dead against it. I spoke to the GP and asked loads of questions. They should be able to provide you with some literature about sertraline and breastfeeding so that you can make an informed choice.
I found sertraline helped me massively!
Good luck with your CBT today!

So DP has a said he will have SD for the evening tonight whilst I stay at my parents to have some time to myself. Which I have not had since she was born so that's 12 weeks. DP does rugby twice a week and goes to work obviously, etc. i am relevantly agreeing as I really do feel I need a break even just for one night. He's going to bath her and feed her etc. he is an amazing dad.

I have my mum who lives not far from us at all so if there were any emergencies I would be absolutely available.

DD*

Just an update I have requested for Sertraline from my GP and they have agreed to give this to me. They are giving me 50mg which is the lowest dose. They've said this will help with my anxiety so I am already feeling a lot more positive

Sorry you're going through a hard time. Just to reassure you this is not unusual at all, it's a very common symptom of anxiety. I had baby blues for about 6-8 weeks after I had DS, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for how awful it was. The most horrific instructive thoughts, on/off crying all day, waves of anxiety etc. I actually started having suicidal thoughts, as I couldn't see an end to how I was feeling. I was already on sertraline and upped my dose which really helped, so I'm glad you've spoken to the GP about that. I was already seeing a counsellor and that helped loads too. Shortly after it sort of lifted and I was absolutely loving life and loving being a mummy! You won't feel this way forever xx

I have had these. They are horrible. I did find they lessened as my son got older. I wonder whether they are actually an evolutionary way of reminding ourselves how vulnerable babies are…. A way of ensuring we take care by reflecting on the worst.

please don’t give yourself a hard time. It has ZERO correlation to hurting your child. In fact, I believe it might be the opposite.

Thank you for the new responses. I am concerned the way I am feeling is wasting precious time with my daughter, especially as she is so new born and this will all go so fast!

news.ubc.ca/2022/03/01/thoughts-of-harming-baby-a-normal-but-unpleasant-part-of-postpartum-experience/

apparently up to 50 percent experience this.

So glad you are feeling more positive. You will get through it!

You're having intrusive, harmful thoughts ... yet are worried about how antidepressants will affect your breast milk.
Ironic, isn't it?

It's normal. Something like 98% of the population have intrusive thoughts. It's where your brain will sort of alert you to something awful and you react to it in disgust and fear and believe it's a possibility, but it isn't a possibility it's like an anxious reminder you don't fear or feel or want to do the things that terrify you to think about.
That's the gist I learnt from CBT when mine came on after my first ever child.
I used to have intrusive thoughts about throwing her of our old tower block. It used to make me feel paralysed with fear to the point I was petrified to be alone with her.
I'm now 4 kids in and still get them but I am so much more better st coping and nipping them in the bud.
If my mum was waiting for a train she would get the urge to throw herself in front of it and she's not suicidal nor has she ever been. It's just stupid sort of brain mis firings. Be kind to yourself. X

Hi all, update, I have been predicted 50mg Sertraline. Thank you so much for the comments. I am on day 2 at the moment and just taking each day as it comes. feeling quite tiered and a bit sick at the moment.

@PaisleyP lovely post thank you. Exactly the sort of thoughts I have had and that's the same as it has made me feel with my little one.

@WorriedandScared93 You'll be okay. They are awful there's a website that I found years and years ago and I still use the site from time to time because it just helps so much. Please please look at it because it just explains it so innocently and factually. It's called www.CBT4PANIC.Com or something but it's brilliant. It's free and just full of advice to help change your thought patterns. I cried when I first found it. I felt so alone and I was scared if I told someone how I felt, social would take my baby. Of course that was just another intrusive thought and every thing was fine. You will over come this and you will get better. X