My miracle dd was born after 10 years of trying 5 years of IVF and being blessed with twins. We lost her sister at 25 weeks and both came into the world 2 days later. 3 months of wondering if she would make it and finally she was home. I adore being a mum. She is 16m actual and 13m corrected. I love my little miracle so so much. She's my little mate and we have so much fun together.
I've struggled with mood from maybe 6m after the birth, it's no surprise with the trauma that we experienced. However, even now when she's struggling to fall asleep (she usually sleeps through now, since about 14m) I feel anger building sometimes. Nothing seems to add to it, I can have a good day and feel it or a bad day and not feel it. I can start to cuddle and rock her an dlove it, having her in my arms and then something goes. I get so annoyed that she won't sleep. I get so mad I want to shake her or hurt her. I've been quite rough with her in the past. I've picker her up by the sleeping back and shouted at her. I've squeezed the hand when she pokes at me and I'm trying to settle her. Not enough to hurt her, she's never cried, well sometimes if I've shouted and made her jump.
Last night after a bit of a teething night I assume she just wouldn't sleep. She wanted to be held and wouldn't close her eyes. She wasn't crying or screaming she just wanted to be loved and now I understand that... But at the time I was livid, like it wasn't ever me and I held her up and sort of shook her but not a shake like a jolt and shouted at her to just go to sleep. About 20 mins later she was still awake and I felt it rise again, I grabbed her hand but made myself let go and I dug my nails into my own leg and sort of internally screamed and tensed my whole body to try and get some anger out if that makes sense?
My husband came in at this point and took over. He settled her hmfor an hour and then i went back in gave her paracetamol and we cuddled for 40min til she slept. I was fine with her but felt so guilty I had a little weep into her hair.
I saw the HV today and wanted to tell her but I'm so convinced they will take her away and it makes me want to wail.
I know how it sounds but I love her so much. I adore her. So why do I feel like this so long after she was born? I was so sleep deprived in the beginning I would cry all the the time and scream at her in the car but that all went after a few k on ntha and now, around 15m it's back and I'm scared I will really hurt her one day. The thought kills me.
I've told my husband and he is super supportive but not hugely understanding.
Am I a psycho?