I want to hurt my beautiful baby

[Tinybutmighty]

My miracle dd was born after 10 years of trying 5 years of IVF and being blessed with twins. We lost her sister at 25 weeks and both came into the world 2 days later. 3 months of wondering if she would make it and finally she was home. I adore being a mum. She is 16m actual and 13m corrected. I love my little miracle so so much. She's my little mate and we have so much fun together.
I've struggled with mood from maybe 6m after the birth, it's no surprise with the trauma that we experienced. However, even now when she's struggling to fall asleep (she usually sleeps through now, since about 14m) I feel anger building sometimes. Nothing seems to add to it, I can have a good day and feel it or a bad day and not feel it. I can start to cuddle and rock her an dlove it, having her in my arms and then something goes. I get so annoyed that she won't sleep. I get so mad I want to shake her or hurt her. I've been quite rough with her in the past. I've picker her up by the sleeping back and shouted at her. I've squeezed the hand when she pokes at me and I'm trying to settle her. Not enough to hurt her, she's never cried, well sometimes if I've shouted and made her jump.
Last night after a bit of a teething night I assume she just wouldn't sleep. She wanted to be held and wouldn't close her eyes. She wasn't crying or screaming she just wanted to be loved and now I understand that... But at the time I was livid, like it wasn't ever me and I held her up and sort of shook her but not a shake like a jolt and shouted at her to just go to sleep. About 20 mins later she was still awake and I felt it rise again, I grabbed her hand but made myself let go and I dug my nails into my own leg and sort of internally screamed and tensed my whole body to try and get some anger out if that makes sense?

My husband came in at this point and took over. He settled her hmfor an hour and then i went back in gave her paracetamol and we cuddled for 40min til she slept. I was fine with her but felt so guilty I had a little weep into her hair.

I saw the HV today and wanted to tell her but I'm so convinced they will take her away and it makes me want to wail.

I know how it sounds but I love her so much. I adore her. So why do I feel like this so long after she was born? I was so sleep deprived in the beginning I would cry all the the time and scream at her in the car but that all went after a few k on ntha and now, around 15m it's back and I'm scared I will really hurt her one day. The thought kills me.
I've told my husband and he is super supportive but not hugely understanding.

Am I a psycho?

Please talk to your GP.

This can all be just a horrible memory one day

Please ask for help. You love your baby but need someone to help you cope.

OP you sound like you have PND. You really do need to speak to your GP. They will understand that this is likely a result of trauma, PND, and the stress of having a newborn. You will not have your child taken from you. Your GP will help you find a way forward, find treatment, and recover.

You do need to tell someone so they can help you. Can you call your gp today and ask for an urgent phone appointment? Or call your HV back and tell them what’s really been going on?

You clearly adore your daughter. You’re not a psycho, but you do need some help. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are struggling, and it’s really important that you do ask for help. I would urge you to speak to your GP and HV as a matter of urgency. They won’t judge you, but they will know that you’re probably suffering from some kind of depression. They will give you the help you need. We all need help sometimes and there is no shame in admitting that.

You’ve done really well by talking to your DH and posting here, so please take the next step and contact professionals. They won’t want to take your child away but they will try and give you the help you need, whether that is counselling, medication or something else.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life apart from your husband?

for you. Keep talking here. We won’t judge.

No, you are absolutely NOT a psycho and well done for posting this, what a huge step.

You need to talk to your GP about this immediately. This is not you. You need assistance and medication. No one is going to take your baby away but you need to reach out for help as there are things that can help to fix this. It’s quite common and I promise you neither your GP or your HV will be shocked at all but they will be eager to help you.

Op If you do hurt her they will take her away, they won’t for seeking help. You need to call the doctors immediately.

OP I've been where you are and still have it sometimes. For me it's part of the PND I have had since my first was born (my second is one now so it's been a while). It comes and goes but please do speak to your health visitor or GP about it.
They won't move to take your baby away but they will help you. It's a horrible feeling to deal with on your own.

Please please get some help. This isn't you and you will struggle to control these emotions without professional health and support.

No, you aren't a psycho, you are a loving and caring mother who needs help with her own illness in order to care for your child - the very same way you would if you had asthma or cancer.

Please speak to your GP or HV, like PP said, they will help you make this a horrible memory.

Being a mum is really hard sometimes and can be incredibly frustrating. Sometimes we all need help to cope. Could you tell your DH how you feel?

Before I had DC1 my husband (who worked away) said to me if I was ever really struggling to just walk out the room. I couldn’t understand why he said it to me at the time, but having had 2 kids, at times on very little sleep and with little support, I now understand. Babies cries are designed to dement us and make us act, but if you feel the frustration or anger building, it’s better for you and DC to have some space.

Bit of a ramble but I hope that makes sense, seek help, you obviously need more support.

I completely empathise with the rage you feel- that was my experience too even without the birth trauma you have had. I tried everything ( therapy, CBT, acupuncture etc) and the only thing that really truly worked was Sertraline medication when I was finally diagnosed when my son was 2.5 YEARS(!) old .

Anger isn't often described as a PND symptom but it was for me and pills dramatically reduced my sensitivity to difficult situations - I didn't have any side effects and would 100% recommend the drugs.

I was on them for 18 months and v easy to come off them for me too.

I really agree that you have to tell your HV. You don’t need to even tell her everything, just say you think you have PND and that you find yourself feeling angry at the baby and then you feel guilty. Nobody will take your baby away for that. It’s common to have feelings like that. But you do really need support or you could find yourself struggling more and more and the problem not going away by itself. It’s so important to get support when you have a little baby. It’s such a shock to the system even with a straightforward birth. But you had a traumatising time and you really need help and support healing from that. That’s what the Hv is there for. Looking back I really wish Id opened up more to my HV. She was lovely but I was too ashamed to admit I was struggling. There is NO shame in struggling. But if you don’t seek support you could be making things unnecessarily harder for both you and your baby.

Definitely speak to your GP, I had this with my first, I had PND. She is now 4 and I still feel guilty but I realise I wasn't very well. I have since had another child and was so scared it would happen again but this time it's been very different which makes me realise how unwell I was. They will help you not take her away

You're not a psycho. And even parents who aren't struggling feel that way on occasion.
Please don't be scared to speak to a professional.
In the meantime, can you agree to hand over to your DH when you feel it building? Then you won't feel as guilty and will get a bit of respite.
PND is real and common and there IS help. You've made a huge step just asking here.

I echo what everyone else has said - please speak to your GP or PANDAS.
Whilst none of us have your exact experience, we have similar. I'm pleased that 2 years ago I took the steps to get me out of a similar situation where I wanted to hurt my DS and myself.
Big hugs, I know how much this must have taken to have made your original post xx

As everyone else has said, please tell your HV and GP - they will have seen this before, and they can help. It is clear how much you love your daughter, and you shouldn't struggle with these feelings alone - it sounds very frightening. Good luck OP, I hope you get the support you deserve.

Thank you all. I've been on sertraline since dd was about 6m. Does it stop working? Maybe that's it. I've settled her for her nap and lived cuddling while she smiled at me and once she was alswwp I jus t cried, telling her how much I love her. Its such an awful feeling I will speak to the GP, you are all right. Maybe it's paranoia or anxiety but I can imagine the discussion and see social services coming to the door. I work in children's care so it would mean my job on the line too... I'm catastrophising I know... I just want it to stop. I'm so chilled normally. 😔

Hi OP, please do not be afraid of what the health visitor will think of you. They see post natal depression all the time. You really need to get professional help and your GP and health visitor can put you in the direction of help, support, medication and counselling. Please call this morning.

Thank you all. I've been on sertraline since dd was about 6m. Does it stop working?

It’s not cutting the mustard and that’s all that matters. They will look at the dose or likely swap you to something else but to maximise the help that can be given you need to be completely honest. That way they will look at best-fit options.

I'm just echoing what everyone else has said, please phone the health visitor today. Once it's done it'll get the ball rolling for support and the advice that was previously posted about walking away is definitely fantastic advice. I remember my son in the cot crying and crying and crying. I was so cross and upset, I mean heart pounding rage, that I went downstairs and into the garden for a few minutes. It was raining but after a few minutes I felt more calm. I think that when a baby is crying you feel that you have to rush to them to stop them crying immediately but sometimes that just doesn't work.
Please phone and I wish you the best (it does get easier too)

You are not a pyscho and you are not alone. You are a caring and devoted mother but sometimes when emotions are running high you need to take a step back leave the room if you have to. Breathe collect your thoughts you don,t really want to hurt her but the intensity of your emotions is clouding your judgement.
Having a baby is a very visceral experience
especially a much wanted child.
You bring them into the world with so many hopes and dreams and for example if they are highly sensitive children like my daughter and struggle to settle or be soothed it can be devastating. It feels like a kick in the teeth you wanted them so badly and sometimes it feels as if they don,t feel the same way. Sorry if i am projecting my own experience onto you! Thats how i felt i could not seem to do anything right and yes i did actually feel as if she was rejecting me as bizarre as it seems.
It was deeply alienating i love her but i also would lose my temper when they scream and you are exhausted and in a dark place and you scream back and of course later on when they have finally settled and sleep peacefully you hate yourself! Your beautiful child that you would gladly take a bullet for and whom you desperately want to parent with both care and consideration and yet here you are strung out and worse of all feeling as if you are losing control.
I completely get it my daughter is nearly 3 and i have a heart condition and way back when i needed surgery. I had my operation and was fitted with a animal tissue valve instead of a mechanical one with the understanding that i would need furthur surgery in the future as a animal tissue valve only lasts for about 10 years.
I did all this so i could have another baby i dreamed about having a daughter i have 3 sons. My dream came true and i was so elated it was the happiest day of my life when she was born. Maybe that was part of the problem because when you are on such a high when you come down (hormones?) it can really leave you feeling bereft. It kicks you in the guts leaves you stranded you love them so much and yet you feel as if you are the last person on earth who should be left in charge of them.
I understand its heartbreaking and yet what most of us do is go into denial and put on a i,m coping face to the world least they should ever find out! There can still be a stigma attached to admit that you are really struggling inside.Its easy to let fear take over isn,t it? Or to assume that people will judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves sometimes.Thats the position i was in and apart from my husband i kept it to myself but it haunted me it did not leave and i went through an agony of both ambivalence and self hatred my marriage nearly broke up and i very nearly had a breakdown . Definately i had pretty severe post natal depression and its taken me 2 years to admit it! I have suffered in silence but i did not need to! So as one mum to another i am telling you don,t do as i did its not worth the pain. You had the guts to share your deepest darkest fear on mumsnet that cannot have been easy for you. You have taken the first step which is the most difficult one well done i wish i,d done the same. You can ask for help god knows we all need it sometimes and just by the very asking you have confronted your fears and i promise you from now on it will get better. As it did for me eventually she will be 3 in november its taken me that long to turn a corner! Its funny in that lockdown made me face up to my fears i could not deny or escape them any longer.
I had to admit defeat and that i did not have to go it alone. You also don,t need to feel alone or that your crazy as you are neither.
Do what you have to make caring for yourself a priority when you are low you get into a downward spiral. Break that pattern i know you can do it take care you have earnt it

I was diagnosed with pnd after my second child was born and was about 3 months old, and my eldest was about 18 months old. I made the appointment after I threw my ed into her bed and felt so angry and then immediately ashamed and frightened. I was put on antidepressants and they helped hugely.
Your dd won't be taken away from you, but you need to speak to your gp urgently. I think I had pnd from when my eldest was born, but I left it so long, it ruined some of my memories of her as a baby. Please do phone

Is it only at bedtime that you get this anger? I have been through this, sort of, when my DS was younger.. bedtime could take hours every night as he just doesn't need much sleep. I would feel myself getting anxious as the magic 7pm bedtime approached so I just stopped trying to get him to sleep so early.

It took 4 years for me to conceive too. All day the crying, clinginess, toys everywhere, throwing food etc I was fine with, I had endless patience! It was just bedtime that stressed me out! I think I had put so much pressure on myself because I had everyone around me telling me babies need their sleep and I felt like a failure because he just would not go to sleep.

I definitely think you should get some help from the HV or GP and talk it through! But you are not a bad mum in any way!

I just used to let DS stay up later and accepted all kids are different, he just used to stay up until 10ish pm and chill with us, and when he went to bed later he would just go to sleep within 10mins, he dropped him nap at 18months old too so I am adamant that I was just trying to put too much pressure on myself to make him sleep when he didn't need it!

Good luck op you are doing a fab job!

I had a similar experience to you. Spent 8yrs trying, fertility treatment, put my body through hell, lost 5 pregnancies then miracle happened. Had a difficult pregnancy with so much stress, heavy bleeding early on, multiple admissions onto prenatal unit then delivered at 36 weeks emergency CSection. DS was rushed into Nicu at 48hrs almost comatose. Throughout it all I forced myself to be calm and was almost trance like at times. I just willed myself to carry on.
I had everything I’d always wanted, despite all the trauma DH were still strong life was good but then DF died, it was expected but tough. This was closely followed by the tragic death of a very close friend’s teenage daughter. I plummeted into severe post natal depression. I had been through so much to become a mother and friends loss triggered awful thoughts in my delicate mind. I had suffered so much loss through the previous 10 yrs, my DM just after first miscarriage followed by all the disappointment culminating in loss of DF.
To the outside world I was tough and resilient but inside my mind was broken. All I could think about was killing my own child. It was a control reaction, if I could determine his death I wouldn’t have to see him taken from me (like friends daughter) when I had watched him grow up.
I had seen women kill their young children while suffering severe pond and could never understand how they could do it. I now fully understand. It is nature, it happens in many mammalian species, when the mother is subject to severe stress they react by killing their young. It’s not just survival but an extreme act of love/maternal instinct.
OP you have suffered multiple losses and the ultimate loss of an unborn baby. You were unable to control the losses and it leaves you extremely vulnerable.
I think you need to seek urgent help from GP. I was lucky that my GP and health visitor were aware of my history and fully expected me to crash and burn. I didn’t expect it. It was overwhelming and extremely distressing.
I have shared this with very few people because I felt like I would be so judged and it is still very emotional to admit that you had considered killing your own child.
You won’t act on the feelings but you need to talk to someone to work through the problem.
DS is now a strapping, stroppy teenager and I’d like to ‘kill’ him for very different reasons. Very occasionally I have intrusive thoughts about his safety, wellbeing but I think that these are normal worries when you have a 6’3” rugby playing son.

pond - PND