Sexual intrusive thoughts so depressed

[Sugarypie]

hi, since having my daughter I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts. I had CBT a couple of times which really helped and took away the frequency of these thoughts. However I still have them once in a while like I had one last night in my dream. It's so strange that it started to come in my dreams instead which is worse as I can't control them, and the thoughts are worse anyone can imagine. So it knows how to hurt me, I am aware that thats not me but I still can't get it out of my head. I can't even write down the details here but it was so graphic and so disgusting that when I woke up I wanted to throw up. Basically it was around my husband and my daughter but you can guess what it was really. if I go into any details I will actually start crying. I can never ever in real life tell this to anyone. I had another one like this about one year ago and I managed to tell my therapist which made me cry and cry, she assured me it's ok and it's normal etc..., the time helped heal my heart break. There is no way I can share this with my husband as I don't think he would understand and I don't want him to think I worry about him being around our daughter which is completely the opposite. Anyone had experiences with sexual intrusive thoughts but in their dreams? I mean I can control these thoughts in normal life now but not in my dreams! don't know what to do...

And no, antidepressants never worked for me and they made things worse in general.. but antidepressants are different for everybody and you can’t get an answer from somebody else as it all depends on how your brain reacts

I had the most awful recurrent feeling that I was going to seat my little boy in the stove I could see him burning.
It used to upset me so much because I knew I wouldn't do it.
Even thinking about it makes my blood run cold.
I felt so betrayed by my mind but there wasn't anything I could do.
The thoughts went away after a few months.

also thank you FranticallyPeaceful for your post. If it happened while I was awake than I do use this method and it stopped it mostly however now it started to make itself appear in my dreams, its like it knows I have no control over it. This OCD/anxiety feels like this black cloud that actually alive and follows me around to find out my most sensitive thoughts so it can hurt me. How can I control my dreams? I wish I could make them stop coming to my dreams too, but it's impossible right. I never ever want to have a dream like this again.

I think that if you start controlling your conscious thoughts then it should follow. It did with me at least. I remember with my eldest the first dream I had that was like this, I woke up feeling mortified.
Currently on my third baby and every time I’ve gone through a period of having bad dreams where my brain will torture me until I relearn how to not give it power... it was just worst with my first. Once you wake up, don’t allow it to fester, just let it go and move on with your perfect little human. The best way to go about this is to give it absolutely no extra thought than what it takes from you without permission

hi FranticallyPeaceful, you are so right. I need to let it go and not even talk about it with my husband, as its nothing and it was a dream. Out of curiosity, did you ever have sexual intrusive thoughts involving your children?

Having children can make your brain confused.

@Sugarypie you're not following through with letting it go! It doesn't matter if FranticallyPeaceful has had similar thoughts, the point is that you need to stop obsessing over this.

Hi Sugarypie I understand this situation from my own experience with it. Its something I've had since the birth of my first some dreams have been so disgusting and vile I became afraid to sleep. A lot of the time I would have visions of them dying in various ways I also became scared to leave my home or have them in anyone else's care. At the time I was too scared to tell G.P details but judjing the state I was in I was diagnosed with depression and put on A.D's and it eased up a little.
I did go back to G.P and although I wouldnt give detail, I did admit I was having weird thoughts and that I have always had obsessive rituals I had to perform or I thought something bad would happen so they reffered me for CBT.
I still have the occasional intrusive thought during the day horrible things like one of the kids being hit by a car and things like that also when I'm feeling really shit I have had some more unwelcome thoughts when the older kids are acting up and I feel I must stay away until its passed it's like I don't trust myself.
I realised it was quite common when my partner appeared to be having these thoughts aswell when our last child was born he was having thoughts of dropping him from great heights obviously he doesnt want to do that but he was scared to hold him for a while because he thought he would act on it and this was not our first child so not like he had no experience holding babies! It opened up a discussion between us and friends and we realised we were not the only ones.
When we googled it said it was a form of OCD and that youre subconcious is assesing for potential risks, apparently quite normal, but some folk (possibly those with existing or new MH issues as my partner and I have) just cant seem to shift them in the long term.

Another thing to think about is could these dreams be triggered from an event in your childhood?
Or perhaps it's simply just a fear that's playing out because you have a male in close contact with your daughter and there is a lot of sick news out there at the moment, I'm sure that must of crossed every parents mind at some point.

I would consider CBT to teach yourself how to block off these thoughts and possibly some more time to discuss privately with therapist, tell all and get to the root of it.
I've tried it after DC1 and it helped for a while but I didnt finish my sessions. I wish I had because I got it down from all day to only a few times a week. It helped to talk about where these thoughts might be coming from and whether they were reasonable or not.

I find I get worse after each child with a different set of thoughts entirely so really I do have to sort it out each time.

thanks for sharing your story IlikemyTeahot, its so nice to have people being honest about these issues.

I remember a programme on OCD and intrusive thoughts.

The academic leading the research. An incredibly impressive insidiously who also came across as being a really decent person admitted that sometimes when he was waiting at a zebra crossing, an intrusive thought would pop up -‘involving him mowing down those crossing, killing them all and then driving off.

Don’t beat yourself up OP

Its a bit like "don't think of a red balloon" but more horrible;

Your mind goes "What's the worst possible thing I could think of?" And then once its answered that question, its in your brain and you feel guilty for even thinking it!

It doesn't mean you are a terrible person.

I am not sure if it is a good idea for anyone to share details, because those on the thread susceptible to intrusive thoughts might end up gaining a new one, iyswim.

Listen to your therapist, and be kind to yourself.

thank you SquishySquirmy and Kikidelivers , you are right about not sharing them here. It really helped me coming here, so just let it go, no big deal, it will get worse the more thoughts I put into it. Also someone here asked about how I have been feeling otherwise , I am actually feeling a bit lonely these says and bit down, maybe I have gone back to my OCD thoughts. I am thinking of going to my GP though probably tomorrow.

Definitely go to the GP.

Tell him about feeling down etc as well as that you've been having intrusive thoughts. I think to some extent the nature and detail of your intrusive thoughts is less relevant than the fact you're having them, and that they are distressing you. If you don't feel comfortable telling your GP exactly what the thoughts/dreams are then don't (and certainly don't let that put you off going). It makes sense to share them with a therapist, but the important thing for the GP to know is that you are having intrusive thoughts and are beating yourself up over them. I think the same about telling your dh - he doesn't need to know the horrible details, but you should consider telling him that you are feeling down, having intrusive thoughts, and that your OCD may be returning.

To me your reaction to your dreams (no-one can control their dreams!) is more worrying than the dreams themselves, if that makes sense.
I mean no offence by that, but it does sound on here that you are not in a good place and need to reach out for help. The sexual nature of the dreams may well be a bit of a red herring.

I always say if "If I think it, it will never happen." So in a way it's a protective thing, my brain imagining the worst things. Always had these but pregnancy and since made them more often.

OP so sorry you are going through this. I have a dc who also suffers from OCD & intrusive thoughts so know exactly what you are saying. Theirs is also of a sexual nature. But like a PP said, it’s not advisable that others share with you or else it might become yourOCD. Just know that you are not alone and it does get better. My dc is so much better than 3months ago, it comes but then it lessens. When my dc was suffering most, we had lots of discussions about it and this really helped. They hadn’t told me before because they were so disgusted and afraid I wouldn’t understand and so the OCD got even worse. Once it was all out in the open the relief was immense.

Does your DH know that you have OCD or is this the first time it’s happened?