Major baby blues. Day 8 & struggling

[Goawaybabyblues]

I gave birth to DD 8 days ago. My birth wasn't traumatic as such, but it didn't go to plan in any way and I am somewhat traumatised by the experience. Although appreciate a lot of people probably are and I'm lucky to have avoided more serious intervention.

We had to stay in for a couple of days and my hospital experience was horrible. We were in a side room so forgotten about and I had no help with breastfeeding despite asking repeatedly. A midwife barked at me that I needed to be feeding 8 times in 24 hours but didn't help me latch. And another when asked for help grabbed my boob and latched DD but didn't help me learn to do it myself. My supply didn't come in properly and I found the whole thing so stressful. I've since been to a clinic in the community and had lactation consultants come out so we've had good support since, but I'm now just pumping a bit and mostly feeding formula as my supply is next to nothing. I'm ready to stop for my own sanity but feel horribly guilty.

On day 3 the baby blues came along. My sister had prewarned me but nothing prepared me for how unbelievably awful I would feel. It's almost like a physical darkness washing over, like someone has died. I feel horrendous, i cry hysterically or just feel like the world is ending. It comes along at around 3pm and peaks at 5, then hangs around until we go to sleep. I feel like I can't cope, worry about my husband and Mum dying. About a million and one things with the baby. And just feel like there's no joy left in the world. It is stopping me enjoying what should be such an amazing time.

I'm almost scared of the evening. And I associate certain lighting with the feeling. So when the curtains shut i start to feel panic as I know it's coming.

I've noticed improvement without a doubt. In fact I imagine from the outside looking in there's been a huge improvement. My window of baby blues is a lot smaller now and I can sometimes cheer myself up and through it. I'd like to think that it will go between 10 and 14 days as people say, as it came on day 3 but it's hard to imagine right now.

I felt truly horrendous in the first trimester too so assume I'm somewhat sensitive to hormonal changes. That left right at 12 weeks too, which gives me hope.

During the night I'm happiest. I love looking after DD and how lucid and cute she is. I get sleep in between feeds and feel completely normal.

But when I wake there's no telling if I'll have a good morning and awful afternoon or sad morning too. It's making me wish the days away.

I've heard the baby blues can last from a few days to weeks, but am just looking for anyone going through the same or who had it like this. How long does it last? Does it just go away abruptly like it came? I feel as though I'll never be happy again at the moment

Bumping in the hope of getting it seen by someone in or who has been in the same boat

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are feeling so rough. I felt terrible (physically and emotionally) after giving birth. My birth was traumatic and I think I was in shock. Everytime I thought about my labour, I couldn't stop crying so I had to make myself think of something else. When I got home after a week in hospital, I felt so down. I would go and cry in the bathroom as I didn't want DH to know - I felt guilty feeling sad as I thought I should be feeling overjoyed with the arrival of our baby. Added to that was the inevitable sleep deprivation and some lingering complications from the birth. However, it DID pass. I think it took about 3 weeks to feel significantly better. I now couldn't be happier with DS, I love being at home with him on mat leave and I feel much much better in myself. When you feel the sadness coming, take some deep breaths, shut your eyes, try to think about something calming and positive. Sometimes it's good to cry and let it out, so don't feel you have to stop yourself. Maybe talk to your partner / mum / a friend about how you're feeling? Perhaps do something at that time of day to distract yourself - if you're up to it, maybe a walk or go to the supermarket, otherwise could you have a bath or phone a friend or watch a film? I know it's tough with a baby but your happiness and health are very important too. Congratulations on your baby and I hope you feel better soon.

Oh, meant to say - do talk to your health visitor or GP if you are struggling to manage and / or it gets any worse.

@KatnissK thank you so much for your reply. I can't explain how much of a relief it is to hear things improved for you at the 3 week mark. It feels so far away but I am trying to focus on the fact things won't feel this way forever.

My partner and mum have been amazing. Also talk to my sister who had a baby 5 years ago and suffered badly with the baby blues but still somehow I feel like I'm alone in a way.

I have flash backs of parts of labour and it makes me feel so dark. The more sleep I get -which is obviously limited- the more distance It feels is between me and those days but it's still very raw. And physically it's all still a big reminder.

Thank you. My health visitor is coming for the first time on Tuesday so I will definitely mention it. Keep hoping I'll wake up and it'll be gone.

I'm glad you have good support from your family. My family were so brilliant - I don't know how I would have got through it all without them. I think having a baby is the hardest thing I've ever done. I know exactly what you mean about remembering labour - I went from re-living it in my head to it feeling like some kind of awful nightmare that I trained myself not to think about! I actually can't remember quite a lot of what happened - I think I've managed to block it out! Anyway, just think you have your beautiful baby, your family around you and everyday you are healing. You will feel better and normal again!

Thank you!! It's so hard, I wasn't prepared at all for how overwhelming it would be but I know I'm so lucky to have her and my family X

Oh OP! I'm pregnant with my first so have not been through this directly, but I wanted to respond because I was just reading yesterday about the massive hormonal clash that occurs at around Day 3 /4 and so many of the stories I read sounded just like yours - and they all found that it passed. You are doing all the right things by talking openly with your family, the health visitor and posting here - and I'm sure lots of people will be along soon with first hand experience who can be more help than me.

I also read that lots of maternity units offer a "debrief" session in the weeks after the birth, so you can sit down with a midwife and your notes and talk about what happened, why things unfolded that way and how it impacted you. It doesn't matter at all that there are women who have been through more traumatic births - the key thing is how it left you feeling.

Really hope you have a better day tomorrow, and an even better one the day after that. xx

@ElleMcElle thank you for your reply!

It seems like it effects a lot of us but I still find myself worrying it will never pass.

Thank you so much, me too!!

Firstly, congratulations

I have 2 DDs and had the baby blues with both. I cried at everything, thought my life was never going to be normal again, doubted my decision to even have a baby, thought we were going to have to rehome the dog, thought I’d ruined DD1s life by bringing DD2 into etc etc. The list is endless.

They are 3 and 5 months now and I’m happy to report the blues have 95% gone.

Reaching out for help is the best thing, don’t bottle it up and don’t for a second believe you are alone feeling this way

I had the 'evening fear' too OP and I truly sympathise, it's awful. I'd dread it getting dark and feel the panic wash over me about people I loved dying too. Honestly, mine wasn't helped by a colicky baby that was much worse at night but by 4- 6 weeks I felt so much better and by 8 weeks almost 'normal.' Be kind to yourself, and huge congratulations.

@SleepForTheWeek thank you! It sounds so similar and it's great to know it passed.

Writing on here has helped a lot but I am continuing to talk about it every day ... just keep hoping for the day when I wake up and it's gone.

@DueDec17 Wow it sounds so similar, whilst I'm sorry you went through that it's very comforting because it's such an odd feeling.

I know time will go fast it just feels like every day is a year at the moment so even though I know 6 weeks for us is before Xmas and I'll likely feel a lot better physically and mentally it's hard thinking about the next few weeks.

Thank you! X

Congratulations on your new arrival OP
I know exactly what you mean. When my DD was born I really, really struggled. I felt I couldn't tell anyone quite how miserable I felt when I should be over joyed to by my beautiful baby. You are absolutely not alone and you are doing the right thing by talking about how you feel with those close to you and absolutely speak to your health visitor AND keep speaking to them. Don't let your feelings escalate.

There is a poster above that said it doesn't matter if you feel others may have had more traumatic experiences than you, it is about how you feel - it is exactly that. It's not about other people. It's only about YOU and how you feel about your experience. Remember that. Whatever you are feeling is ok, don't down play how you are feeling because you think you should feel differently. If that makes sense

Be kind to yourself, keep talking, seek help where you need it. It will get better x

Just try your hardest to get as much sleep as possible and eat to keep your strength up. I became so anxious from around 4pm onwards I could barely eat anything which I think made it worse. As you can see from my user name it didn't put me off having another though!!

Oh love, I totally totally get where you are coming from. I hated the nights - in a fact I lived in fear of them, mostly as I knew it was all on me (my DP has a very high impact job so needs sleep) and also because I was so afraid of DS dying/SIDS. My anxiety was absolutely awful. Adrenaline took me to about 3 months and after that I was a mess, but I did get diagnosed with PND so I was a different kettle of fish. I just wanted you to know I understand.

Generally speaking the first 3 weeks are normal for baby blues/sleep deprivation annihilating your hormones. Id say anything beyond that may be worth speaking to your GP/HV. Post natal anxiety and depression is very common and very solvable and it sounds as if you've got a brilliant family behind you, and that's half the battle.

Thinking of you and congratulations on the birth of your baby

@Sagentcaper thank you! It's so difficult, each day I struggle to cope and just wonder when it's going to go away. Horrible at such a lovely time, i can't wait to enjoy each day.

I know what you mean. I hope that as time goes by I can forget about it, I have a canullar bruise on my hand and I keep reminding myself it hasn't faded yet. That's how recent this event was so to cut myself some slack but it's hard.

Thank you x

@DueDec17 I've been doing the exact same. Made myself eat dinner for the first time today because I hadn't and know it can't be helping x

@ButtMuncher thank you for your reply, it's amazing reading these and feeling like I'm not alone. So sorry to hear you had PND.

I'm looking forward to that timescale ending and hoping I continue to feel a bit better every day. But agree I'll mention it and seek help if it doesn't because I'd hate to feel like this for any longer than needed.

Thank you Z

I can relate to the feeling much worse in the evening. I felt anxious during the early weeks of DDs life- imagined I would die or she would die. It was always far worse in the evening. I talked about my fears to my husband as they happened/peaked which helped. It did pass after a couple of weeks. I spoke to my midwife about it and she was very reassuring and helped me through the dark days.

After the first couple of weeks things improved very quickly and I really began to enjoy motherhood.

Don't be worried about asking for help and talking to people who can support you.

I definitely think the time of year and darkness has a massive effect. I had a winter baby and a summer baby and suffered much worse with the winter one. I just felt suffocated by the darkness at night time.

Just to add, breast feeding did not go well for us- poor latch and DD wasn't able to suck/swallow when BF but did with bottle. I decided quite quickly (within two weeks) to move to formula and I think sharing feeds reduced the pressure on me and meant I could sleep and my brain could fix itself (didn't sleep for more than an hour-ish a day for a week).

Hello OP. My little guy is 7 weeks old now and the most is starting to clear. I had a difficult birth, and a nightmare with breastfeeding, and I cried several times every day for weeks. At my worst I was changing his nappy one night looking out of the window into the night and thinking about whether I had enough money on my credit card to get on a plane and leave him with my partner, as obviously I was such a shit Mum he was better off without me.
I felt a massive step change at about four weeks, and now the ratio of good to bad days is so much better, I can’t actually remember the last day I cried.
Having a baby is a massive physical, emotional and hormonal shock. You will get through it.
My advice would be to accept all the help you can, eat well, try to go outside every day, find someone to talk to if possible. Highly recommend a birth debrief when you’re ready.
Also - the worst parenting advice ever is “enjoy every moment”. Some of the moments are shit. And you don’t have to feel guilty for mr enjoying them.
If it doesn’t shift, be honest with your GP or health visitor, there’s lots of help.
Take care xx

*the mist!

Hi OP, you articulated exactly how I felt for the first few weeks. I remember feeling at my worst 2 weeks afterwards and fretting because I thought you were ‘supposed’ to be at your lowest 4 days afterwards and be okay after 2 weeks. Everyone is different and it’s not unusual to feel the way you do.

I had forgotten about the dark thoughts but I remember them being very intense, thinking about people I love dying and thinking about my baby and how I couldn’t bear it if anything bad happened to her. Like you it seemed to strike about 3pm.
Mine lifted quite quickly after 3-4 weeks but speak to your Hv or doctor if it doesn’t. It’s a huge change and your hormones are all over the place but you will adjust I promise! Congratulations on the new arrival x

Hi Op

My dc are much older than yours are now but I still remember how I dreaded 4 o’clock coming around each evening. My dd was born this time of year too and it really felt like the world was withdrawing inwards and crushing me at the centre.

These days do pass although at the time they feel like an enternity, with each minute feeling like a thousand hours. At least they did for me....

Giving birth is a massive achievement and your hormones are going to be unsettled for a while. I’d say focus on those small things which give you pleasure. Like the nights with your dd that you wrote about. Your tenderness was touching and made me smile. For me it was the first cup of coffee, reading the first 3 pages of the newspaper and the clock hitting 10 pm when it all seemed to calm down.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t set yourself lots of rules and obligations like cleaning the house or cooking. Face each day at a time and one day you’ll realise it all seems a little easier until eventually and gradually it genuinely is. For me that point was around 3 months.

Best wishes