Fab Feb 2009: when they're good they are very very good, when they're bad they're todzillas...

[dinkystinky]

New thread for us to chat about our little jekyll & hydes...

Danny is currently stood next to me rearranging my DVD collection - I will be doing a work out to charlie & lola tonight apparently, while DS1 will be watching Billy Blanks Taebo with his pre-bedtime cup of milk and DH's history docu is hiding out with Diego in the city of lost toys...

Thanks guys, I really need your help right now becasue my mum is in Paris and no one to talk to.

last night OH sent me a text to say how are you babes? coming home soon. So I waited up til 11 then gave up and went to bed. Izzy woke up a couple of times so i got in her bed and fell asleep. I went to get back in bed and he had just got in and was drunk about half 1. He had been out since midday.

He admitted today he has a drink problem Im not sure what to make of it really. My dad was a chronic alcoholic and its not anywhere near that bad but suppose it doesnt have to be, its still a problem isn't it?

I asked him to leave which resulted in him crashing on couch, I didnt sleep and just cried until izzy got up. Then I sent him packing. He was being a tosser.

Difference is he is a nice person normally, Im right though aren't I to tell him to go. Im not having izzy around that, i don't want her going through what I did because it still upsets me.

What i want to happen is that he sorts himself out then comes back but am i being silly to think this?

I miss him, he's an arsehole but i miss him

Oh littlesez I'm so sorry
Massive {{hugs}}

I don't think it's impossible that he will sort himself out. He has admitted out loud to having a problem, that is a huge step, and I believe, the hardest one.
When I was 22/23, my best friend (same age) told me she was an alcoholic. She didn't drink any more than I did, we were out together nearly every night and tbh, yes, our lives at the time revolved around being out drinking (not much else to do really).
She worked up the road from my pub and used to come in for lunch so we'd even both have a drink then.
The difference between us was the attitude to the alcohol. Like I said, we were mostly always matched glass for glass, but she viewed it as a necessity(sp?) and I viewed it as a choice. I didn't have to have a glass of wine, I could have just as easily had a lemonade, but I didn't. She didn't feel she had that choice.

We don't talk anymore but as far as I know, she has been sober for over 5 years. (The reason we don't talk is because she is a selfish, heartless person who showed signs of resentment to my PFB and we no longer had anything in common)

It is completely your choice on what happens now regarding your OH, but if he has admitted to having a problem, that is a good sign.
I understand you not wanting Izzy around this behaviour if this is what you experienced as a child, so I don't think you are being unreasonable, but i do think you both should sit down and talk about this.
Just try to be completely honest with each other.
Hopefully your OH will want to seek proper help for his addiction (which I do believe is a disease, not a choice) and once that is under way you guys can try to work towards getting your relationship back on track.

Just take it slowly. Find out where his nearest AA meetings are, or rather let him do it, I think it's very important that he has full control of his recovery, very important. He can only move at a pace he is happy with.

I take it he is aware of your fathers drink problems? What I'd suggest is that you both sit down (he has to be sober) and you tell him some childhood memories of your father and his drinking and tell him that you are not prepared for history to repeat itselfr and for your dd to go through the same thing and have this conversation with her OH in 30 years time.
Tell him that you love him (if that is the case?)
tell him you are willing to help and support him in any way you can, but tell him how important it is that he stops the drinking and seeks help.
tell him he can come round for Izzy's bath every night as long as he is sober and that you'd be willing to work on your relationship after he has started a course of recovery. If he starts AA, he will need support.

Obviously I don't know the full history and i don't know what you want, so feel free to ignore the above, only you can decide what happens from here.

Did you write down your feelings and thoughts last night like dinky suggeszted?
I find everything easier to understand when it is down on paper.

Thanks sm, he doesnt even drink a lot. dad drunk all day every day, but OH doesn't and is just one for going out on benders really. still unacceptable imo.

tbh im sick of talking because it always sounds like the same conversation.i want action! but yes we will be chatting tonight after work.

yes he knows all about my dad maybe he thinks its not the same.

HOw are things with you,any better with OH? men are just arseholes sometimes eh? thanks for all your advice

sorry guys I took over the thread a bit there! hope everyone has a good day and all babies have been sleeping ok!

littlesez Don't ever apologise for talking about your own problems, that is what we are all here for.
We are all friends, and part of our job as friends is to listen and support. Don't ever apologise for needing to rant about yourself (I don't!)

Yeah, things are much better for now. He seems to be thinking a bit more and he has been much more helpful.
We'll see how long it lasts though.

I know what you mean about feeling like you're just having the same conversation. me and dp have been having the same row/convo for 3 years!

I'm not the best person to get relationship advice from, but what I have learnt is that my dp is not a mind reader.
They do actually have a completely different train of thought than us (men are from mars, women are from venus).

Good luck and please come on later and let us know what happened.
Am sure we can all keep an eye on thread for if you need us xxx

littlesez - hon, I'm so sorry to hear of your issues. My dad was/is and alcoholic, but I never saw him drunk. He just drank all the time, and the significant things is that he valued that and the lifestyle that went with it, higher than my mum, my sister and me.

It's totally understandable that you miss him, you have a history with him and he has been a lovely husband and father. But I think you are totally right, any concerns you have for yourself and Izzy have to come first. You can still be there for him, support him through AA etc, but it is important that you a) let him make the decisions for himself and b) protect yourself.

I really admire the way you have coped with things over the last 18 months - in fact, you have inspired me to overcome my own issues and request a post-natal debrief and some counselling. You will get through this, because you have Izzy to give you strength and we are here to support you.

I'll be back on about 12-ish, and I'm happy to send you my telephone numbers in case you need to hear a sympathetic voice, or you'd like a sounding board. xxxxx

MrsY That's really nice of you
littlesez if you need to, do call MrsY. I did a while ago to talk about my PND and she was very helpful and supportive.

LittleSez - hope you're feeling abit better today. I think you've said in previous posts that pre-Izzy you occasionally went on benders - it sounds like DH sometimes is still living that lifestyle (not helped by the fact he works in a bar). The occasional bender is not the end of the world - but I agree, its not great for Izzy to be around that more than occasionally and given your family history, I can appreciate why you are sensitive to this and worried about you, Izzy and DH. And you and he need to have a talk. It may be that he's hitting the bottle more because of other things going on in his life - if that's the case, he needs to ascertain that trigger and figure out what else he can do to help him cope. As others have said, you guys really do need to talk (and not in a confrontational way - in a gentle calm way so as to try to figure out a way through the problem you're in now) and figure out what you can both do to help improve things. Sending you hugs and strength for today and for your chat. Remember - you're strong, you're still standing, you will get through this.

MrsY - good on you for overcoming your issues. The post-natal debrief probably wont
put too many ghosts to rest but hopefully the counselling will do. Acceptance is a huge part of moving on.

Crappy old night in the dinky household again last night. Grand total of 3 hours sleep. ho hum.

Littlesez so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you are (very sensibly) worried about the impact of your DH's behaviour on Izzy - both now and in the future and your own family history no doubt sends alarm bells ringing. I have no better advice than the others have already given you but send you lots of hugs too. Take a deep breath, hold your head up high, and think calmly about what you really want to get out of the talk with your DH tonight.

Dinky - sorry to hear about the sleep deprivation in your house again. Lilian is pretty rubbish at sleeping at the moment too, but I think I am getting better at coping with it.

Hi Littlesez - hope you are doing ok today? Lots of support from everyone on here and hope all the advice will help you with your chat with DH. Hoping that everything is going ok. xxx

I should have kept my mouth shut about Sam's sleep. Back to feeling like a zombie today after just doing better than Dinky on 4 hours' sleep....

littlesez a lot of what you said rings bells with me. my ex-h was an alcoholic (actually died last year from affects of it so really not something to be taken lightheartedly). my current dp is not an alcoholic but certain actions always trigger feelings of panic as they remind me of ex-h. eg. dp used (occassionally) to sit up late working as that was his way of working and might fall asleep on the sofa...trigger a panic relating to 'where is he, will he come home tonight, will i be able to move him, is he passed out in a doorway' etc etc. it's not fair of me to put past associations onto a new person but its also unlikely that any of us can come to new situations completely virginal so your dp needs to understand the triggers it sets off but you also need to be aware of whether it is just that or whether you really think there's a deeper drink problem.

from what you've described i actually don't see any particular danger of izzy seeing bad things happening if he is coming home in the middle of the night drunk. has he been out of control drunk in front of her? i don't mean this patronisingly or judgementally but please be careful not to use 'bad influence on the child' as a way of making a point. hands up here...i come home during the night drunk sometimes as does (on separate occassions) dp, however the other one would be in charge in the night if one of the dcs need us. i don't feel it is affecting them (unless i'm particularly grumpy in the morning!). but again, i also know that i can choose when to drink and when not to and i enjoy it when i do. also added to your mix is that you were a child that was affected by your dad's drinking so you've got a trigger reaction that means you're more likely to react to the dad/child issue than i would.

as sm says there are different types of alcoholic and him not necessarily acting in the same pattern as your dad doesn't mean he isn't. he definitely seems to be acting out of character and unreasonably and you do need to try to get to the bottom of why that is and make it clear what you feel is unacceptable behaviour.

if he really feels he's got a drink problem there's no point him bleating to you about it when he feels sorry for himself. he needs to show you actions that he's trying to deal with it.

i truly hope the 2 of you can talk reasonably tonight and come up with some action points so you don't just feel it's another evening of hot air being talked.

best of luck, we're all here for you whenever you need us.

Lttlesez - KBN speaks very wise words. As I said in my earlier post the occasional bender is fine - most people will do that on occasion but as with KBN, DH and I ensure that we dont both go on a bender at the same time so that one of us can deal with the boys (and I dont tend to drink v much at moment as know will generally need to be up with Danny at some point and am still bfing). I hope your talk with DH went well and life is feeling abit better for you now...

Hes been and gone, he has been quite honest and says that he drinks too much (more than he has been letting on, although I kinda knew that) He says when he has been telling me he has a couple of pints after work this often means 4-5 pints easily then there is the weds night at pool and the monthly sunday all day at pool on top. He wants to stop. He has bought allen carr easyway which is what I used. He said he would consider AA too but talking to his sister about that.

He doesn't get drunk in front of Isobella and never would. However he gets so pissed that he does stupid things like falling over so hard he has bust his lip and scraped his cheek, elbows and knees. He has locked me and Izzy out before in the morning. He is an absolute arsehole to me when drunk. He is also very very grumpy when he has had a drink the morning after and this affects us all. When Izzy is older how would stuff like that be explained?

If izzy went through even a minute amount of what I went through I would be mortified and so I have to stop it now.

we have talked about our other issues, he wont consider relate/marriage advise and thinks we can work it out ourselves. I don't know but I hope so.

we have written down a few things tonight, he is coming to watch Izzy whole im at work again tomorrow and will keep talking. Thanks for all advice again, it is very very important to me and am overwhelmed by your support [sob]

THANK YOU and hoping to be back to my cheery littlesez self soon!

littlesez Glad things seem to be going in the right direction.
I agree with dinky about the odd bender being fine.
I was at a friends yesterday with the kids and we often sit out in her garden while the kids are playing having a few glasses of wine.
Yesterday we had 5 glasses each in 4 hours and needless to say I left there at 5 slightly light-headed!
We all need time to unwind and let out some frustrations.
I'd never allow myself to get to the stage where I couldn't look after the children.
I have gotten very drunk on occasion when I've been out in the evenings and as a result have been hung over and moody the following day, but I can be moody if I'm having a bad day anyway, so for me, it's not a huge deal to be slightly short with the boys every now and again.

Just keep talking honestly and hopefully you'll get through it.

Littlesez well done hon. I think the fact that he has admitted that he has a bigger problem then he has been letting on is a very positive step for you both. I really hope you guys can work through this. Good that his sister is involved - do you get on with her? She could be a big support for you - problem shared etc...

It'll probably be small steps at first but if they are in the right direction that can only be a good thing for you all.

Well done on the talk LittleSez. As Calico said, its good that he's admitted he has a bigger problem - he has to be open and honest with you so he can regain your trust and this is a really important first step. And its good he's doing something about it - though it will take a while to get to where you guys want, and need, to be. Keep strong in the meantime. And I think tackling one issue at a time is a good move - so tackle his drinking first, and once you've dealt with that you can tackle other issues. Good luck to you both.

Arrrgghhh - we've got mice!

Just got out the straps for the Trip Trap high chair (Lilian has only just outgrown her little bebepod feeding chair) only to find that mice have chewed through the harness and leather crotch strap thingy since I stored them up in the spare room.....not happy as they cost ££££ to buy new. I have yet to explore further as I have loads of books and clothes in bags under the bed and I fear for what I might find under there..... darn rodents

Calico - as a mouse expert now I find the buggers tend to ignore books/clothes and go for leather every time. Having arsed around with traps forever and a day I am now a big fan of exterminators nuking the little buggers. Try looking on Ebay for the straps or alternatively (if is an old school trip trap) might have DS1's old bar and crotch leather thingy if you'd like it?

littlesez i'm SO glad he's talked more honestly about his drinking. the fact he's admitted that to you and has spoken to his sister means he is positively giving himself no place to hide, IYKWIM? that feels like such a huge step. i hope he carries on with trying to resolve this and i hope the 2 of you carry on with your talking positively. well done and good luck.

how do you exterminate the mice dinky? we used poison last time but 2 died in most difficult to get at positions eg. behind a skirting board and obviously there was then a most unholy smell! when we had babies running around i, erm, managed to catch them in the dyson. "mummy, let me see the mouse in there" for there it was merrily running round in the dust catcher area for all to see. we got 3 of the buggers but i think it was only because they were small and naive enough to try to play in front of us. apologies for any offence caused to mouse lovers.

i had a cryptic message from dp yesterday asking me to meet him in town at 6.30 tonight. i think this might be the delayed surprise birthday meal so i'm very excited.

Got in mice exterminators and got them to do the job KBN. Environ Pest control - come with 3 month guarantee - they used some new form of poison which killed the mice but didnt result in unholy pong/bluebottles everywhere - and was put in places that even Danny the explorer couldnt reach. Is ££s but got fed up with the mice ignoring the snap traps and bait traps I'd tried previously to exterminate them.

Ooh so exciting re your in town surprise - hope you have a lovely evening.

or alternatively get a cat... they act as duel purpose vermin exterminators and snuggly hot water bottles.

We had rats down the end of the garden and a mouse in the kitchen before Blue moved in but they didn't last long with her around

enjoy your surprise KBN

TITS - we have two cats! Problem is they are lazy buggers and can't be bothered to chase mice as they would rather go for the slower option of frogs of which there are plenty in the garden.

KBN mice in the Dyson!!

Dinky you are right - the mice have only gone for the leather - the Stokke strap and a lovely old leather suitcase which now has a hole gnawed in the side of it . If you do happen to have a spare strap for the old style Tripp Trapp I'd be very grateful. Had a quick reccy on Ebay but people sell the whole baby kit rather than just the leather strap. I have the baby bar already.

calico... are they boy cats by any chance? I have noticed my females are the better hunters, the boys are very lazy (bit like humans then....)

Calico - will have a check in the loft this evening for you. Are you on our facebook page and a friend of mine? If so, can FB you to let you know

TITS - no both girls....one quite elderly and the other one quite fat!

Dinky thanks so much - don't go to too much trouble if it is not easy to get at...yes I am on fb page and I think a friend of yours too.