Discussion amongst Mums with babies born in December 2008

[Veggiemummy]

Hope you all can find it, Moms title was perfect I thought.

I was also convinced

beans I am not worried about loving no 2 as much as no 1 (I just figure it will work out, and be fine!), but I am a bit worried about how no 1 will react. We went to visit a friend who had another friend tehre with a 9 month old baby. Just as DH was explaining to DS to be nice to him as he was smaller than him, he threw a train at him!!! Not sure if it was deliberate. DS loves older children but is less convinced by ones of his age and younger (tends to ignore them and/or get angry if they get more attention than him)

Hi all, am currently wondering if DD will ever nap today. And of all teh days - my dad is coming up to look after her across what should be bedtime as I have to go to work from 5-7.30 but dh has a meeting from 6-8, so nobody able to look after her. Had really hoped she'd have a good nap, a bit later than usual, so not be all tired and moody for my dad and he could keep her up later than usual bedtime (7pm) without too much trouble. He's not very confident looking after her at the best of times, let alone if she's tired and/or grumpy, so not sure how things will pan out. GO TO SLEEP child! She's been babbling away for about 45 minutes now and was almost asleep when I put her down, got woken up by the postman banging on the door

anyway, rant over!

Aubi great news! What a relief that must be.

katie broke the thread, katie broke the thread, E-I-Addie-O, katie broke the thread

LadyT big get well vibes for poor O, that sounds like a horrid combo. We've gone for a BeSafe Izi car seat, my goodness they're huge but once DH had decided rearfacing was the way to go, that was kind of it. Got it from bumpto3 at 25% off which was a bit of a silver lining. Good luck with telling family the baby news! and how exciting for your friends.

beans your DH can be a bit of a grump can't he? Having just had a big ski holiday all to himself he ought to be happier than ever to see you. Grr. Want to give him an elbow in the ribs on your behalf!

Right. Not sure what to do about non-sleeping dd. At least she sounds happy, she's not crying, and is vaguely physically resting. Just worried that she'll either a) not sleep at all and be really grumpy for my dad, or b) decide to nap at 4 just before he arrives then wake up when I'm not here. Neither of these options is enormously good!

Ladies, can I ask you to let me have your thoughts on the below please.

Dear Mrs xxx and Mrs xxx,

I am increasingly concerned by the behaviour of one class individual towards D, both through reported incidents and my own observations.

D is a happy and outgoing boy who, until this term enjoyed school and was happy to attend each day. Just before half-term he started to tell me about incidents that occurred in the playground, all involving the same child. One that stands out was D having a skipping rope put around his neck by Boy 1, Boy 2 and Boy 3 and being convinced that they were trying to strangle him. According to D, when he held the rope to stop the boys tightening it and pushed them away he was reprimanded by a teacher and made to miss the rest of playtime.

More recently I have been told of D being punched and kicked in the playground by Boy 1 and Boy 2, scratched on the face by Boy 2 and being chased with threats of killing.

I agree that some of this can be put down to overzealous rough play, and I am aware that D is involved in rough play at times also, which I am making attempts to stamp out. However, I am increasingly concerned that Boy 1 is singling D out, and D feels this too. It is now a difficult job to cajole him into going to school in the mornings.

Boy 2's mother has spoken to me about the instances involving her son and has taken steps to address the issue with Boy 2. I understand that they are now playing nicely together again.

D very rarely blames Boy 2 for any of the instances above, but rather feels that it is Boy 1 telling Boy 2 what to do, and with the punching/ kicking incident apparently Boy 1 punched Douglas first but was not seen by the teacher.

This morning I witnessed Boy 1 calling D names as he arrived in the playground at line-up time, specifically: ?Here comes baby D, late again?. I feel this was uncalled for and mean in front of the whole school, and it caused D to physically shrink. I have also witnessed D cringe and turn away when approached by Boy 1 in the playground, indicating to me that he is scared of him.

I am loathe to single out one child but am keen to know what steps are being taken to address the issue. Both Boy 2's Mother and I are addressing it with our boys, but I wonder if Boy 1's mother is even aware of his involvement? I believe that is essential that she is made aware of the problem so that she can take necessary steps to discourage this behaviour.

I am also concerned that I have not been informed of some of these incidents by the school, but was rather told my Boy 2's Mum and D. I feel it is important that I know when something has happened so that I can make sure that D is able to discuss it with me.

I appreciate that you have a lot of children to keep an eye on, and are far more experienced than I am on the behaviour of this age group, so I am by no means throwing any accusations. I do however feel that no child should be afraid to go to school, and as D's mother it is my priority to make sure he feels secure and happy at school. I hope you understand my concerns.

With kind regards

I have that same worry occasionally as I think no baby could ever compare to ds - but on the other hand I'm also sure it will be fine

Thanks all - what a draining day. I wrote long messages (several) on BBerry messenger to db and of course got a 2 word reply - my last sentence was 'give me a number to call where you are so we can chat - you need a plan' and he replied 'yes I do' Then his dp text me to call her and spent 2 hrs on the phone. apparently he has asked her to move out (although he still loves her) as he wants to get his head straight but doesn't want to cut off communication) she is distraught, and refuses to go anywhere unless they talk face to face first, then she would prefer a couple of weeks away before making it permenant if that's still what he wants after a break - sounds reasonable although he won't entertain any of it - just wants her to move out before he comes back to the house.
We think he could have developed a type of personality disorder since the car accident he was in with his ex and the rest of his / our family 5 yrs ago and his ex was badly hurt - he has all the signs... she was telling me stuff I didn't know relating to the car accident and things that haunt him etc. I guess these personality disorders can be triggered by traumatic life events - but who knows, I'm no pro at this stuff, but I do know he's changed in the last few years.

The shoulder feels slightly better, although still sore
DS still upset by his teeth although ate a full brekky and is understandably demanding my attention more after spending 2 hours on the phone ignoring him thismorning.

I feel really tired all the time but can't nap when he does. I sick of this rain as I need to get out but it's miserable.

Oh Rubes, that sounds so hard. Is it possible to get Dr's involved? Obviously there are issues with confidentiality, but do you think he'd be willing to talk to them?

Katie - x posted. Apparently he has been to one appointment a couple of years ago and felt great but nothing since then. it's always the ex that we thought only had the problem (we think she definitely is mentally cocked up after the accident) but never really thought he might be suffering. It's hard when he just won't communicate. I nearly had him on a plane to the UK a few days ago (his suggestion) but he told me his boss had ok-ed a week off then his dp today told me that was never the case and he has 2 days off work. He is totally overloaded at work at the moment too and his boss is messed up in the middle of a divorce and his boss is also one of his best friends

Your letter sounds really good. i'm so saddened that this is happening to D. I am going to be a basket case when ds reaches school as he is such a sensitive little one and I can see he will be vulnerable
I hope boy 1's mother gets it brought to her attention and does something about it - not to mention the school

Katie - I think your letter is really well-worded and am v jealous that I always end up sounding like a totally raving monster when I try to write grown up letters like that, rather than a 34 year old woman with an English degree! But I think it is fantastic and very very concise, to the point. No mud-slinging, but expressing your very valid concerns well and with minimal emotional input, apart from that which is relevant. Well done you! And I really really hope it brings about some kind of resolution to this. Bullying is a horrible thing and can affect people for years to come, so am thinking of D very much.

Rubes - I'm so sorry to hear the traumas you're going through with your brother. It must be really tough on all of you involved. I'm afraid I have no wise words on this matter, as I have literally no experience of it. I really hope all ok.

DH is v grumpy,w hich is annoying as he's had a lovely week off. Maybe it's me being grumpy, actually, as have got used to being on my own. Plus usually i sort of let any comments wash over me, but since he's been back, I've been reacting badly to things tha tnormally I probably wouldn't even notice.

Hoping things will pick up this evening. If not, will probably have an argument! Oh well. Could be a lot worse.

Just a quickie to say to Katie - I think your letter is clear and good and they can't wriggle out of it. Good luck. I think it's best to be robust at this stage.

Oh no. More diarrhoea from DD. Ugh, that sounded HORRIBLE, must investigate...

Yeah, I donn't know why it's all making me so sad - hormones don't help i know. it's just being far away and I had resigned to the fact that my parents were not being very 'grandparenty' and off with the faries with their long trips away rather than visiting their grandkids, but thought my brother always had the level head especially after going through so much that he has - but I guess I didn't think how he could have been suffering in silence since I am not one to do that, and usually every man and his dog knows when I'm upset - it's dealt with - and I get over it.
It's making my little family with the odd hormonal based outbursts look positively normal
I'm not sure if I should send him anymore messages or just wait for him to contact me when he's ready for a chat? the one word replies I'm getting 12 hours later are not doing much for me tbh!
Hello Beans, I hope things are ok with your dh tonight and no barney's!

Lady - you shouldn't give a toss what people say or think about your pregnancy - it's wonderful news and I would hope all would think the same. It's absolute bollocks to think people might assume you've abandoned your career becuase you're having another child

Hear hear, Rubes - re LadyT's with-childness.

xx

katie I think that is an excellent letter. Very clear and concise and you do not come over all precious about your DS either, which makes your 'observations' much more credible.

Beans forgot to say I hope your DH has chilled out a bit when he gets home later. Cheeky sod, judging you while he has been off on holiday!!

dd finally went quiet at 2.30 so all should be well hopefully, phew...

katie that letter is very well written and gets across your concern without accusing the school of failing to help, really hope you get some results. It may be that the mum of boy 1 simply has no idea anything is going on

rubes you poor thing, the situation just gets more and more difficult. You may well be right that the accident changed his personality - he does sound as if he's finding it very hard to cope with things.and that's making it tough for all of you.

Hello all. Beans I second the outrage at your DH's grumpiness, he should be showering you with gifts and gratitude for letting him go off skiing! It's more than I'd let my DH do, that's for sure! (Though having said that, my DH is going to South Africa for the World Cup for a MONTH in June, but that's work so he can't help it )

Notice some talk on grumpy babies/ strops earlier - DD has the most MASSIVE tantrums when I change her clothes/nappy in the morning. DH and I have started saying "Baby down! Baby shot! Call the medics!" because she hurls herself around writing around like she's just taken a bullet.... honestly, the drama! Anyone else finding this or is it just my stroppy little charmer ?

Getting dd dressed is usually pretty tricky, she will not stay still so I end up chasing her round the house half-naked and then generally give up for 10 mins and get myself dressed while she potters.

Kiwi is your DH an international sportsman?! Have we missed something here?

Kiwi - same here. More so the nappy changes -they are an absolute nightmare. I say to him have you done a xxx and he bolts... off as far away as he can then when I can pin him down there's thrashing and screaming and squealing. Only have a calm one when he's really kind of relaxed / tired and he sometimes just lays there. the odd time an object like a phone or something distracts him but that is rare these days.
getting dressed or putting shoes on is almost as bad. You should have seen the scene in Clarks shoes and then the woman actually asked me if I wanted a complimentary photo of 'my first shoes' - yeah right, I think we can both see it's not an ideal time.

he's just woken from a nap in one of those screaming grumpy awful moods.... Great.

DH at work tonight - I think I need a wine but none in the house probably a good thing

Oh Katie, that letter is perfect, I can tell you right now if it has the same effect on the teacher as it did on me it will get sorted. I was in tears over the skipping rope thing that is just terrible. How old are these boys. I'm probably going a bit overboard here but if that was grown men and it happened on the street they would be arrested.

Rubs I really feel for you this is so hard. Where are your parents in all this? And what is happening with the kids? His poor DP very confusing for her, you can speak to her about getting a community mental health team involved.

We had a stress this morning, I had an early appointment for DS1 at the GP but 5 mins before the appointment when we were due to leave the house I couldn't find the keys. Que furious panic trying to ring DH (knowing full well he was in the plane), then giving up and just leaving the door ajar while we went to GP (only 2 doors down). When we got back from GP I managed to get hold of DH who told me he had kindly hung the keys on the door in the loungeroom but on the side which is not facing the room so I couldn't see them. Oh well we got DS1 to school eventually and had already told them he'd be late so no probs.

Beans I would love you dauphnoise potato, yum yum yum. I think you need a little chat with DH. You are looking after DD, cooking & keeping the home for DH, working & growing his child, he needs to start being a bit more reasonable. Is there something stressing him?

Gotta need to make tea, chicken curry. Oh JJ glad DD went to sleep.

Beans, I meant to add, tell your dh to pull his bloody head in from Rubena

Glad the babe is off to sleep now,JJ. DD is a bit clingy (understandably) and I feel up to my arms in snot and liquid shite. What can I give her to make her feel better, if anything?

Kiwi, yes, we have a real Joan Plowright here as well. Arched back, banging feet on the floor, and lots of shrieks of "Woah! Woah-woah-woah-WOAH!"

Rubes, this is all vv difficult. You have said that he is basically sensible - perhaps a couple of days on his own to figure things out might rebalance him. But it must be so much worse when people are literally the other side of the world. You can have a proper chat with him when he has collected his thoughts a bit, I am sure. Poor you.

Beans, what is your DH criticising you for? We have tried to bin criticism here On both sides actually. Sometimes I nearly combust from not saying stuff but it has led to fewer rows that's for sure.

Veggie - parents are off in freakin bloody Tasmania or halfway across the Nullaboor by now for all I know. They're on a 8 month trip camping off around the country again - like they haven't seen enough of it. If I mentioned it to them, they'd just think he was being dramatic, plus they kind of have a wall up when you mention the accident as one of them was driving.
Kids are with their mother for their "week on" with her - but that could end ubruptly when she tires of them or wants to go out to bars with friends or something. She's a little unreliable / unpredictable.
yeah might mention community mental health.

Thanks Guys - am probably slating him unfairly, just get so frustrated. And you're right, think I will tell him all that, Veggie - I am doing all this for him/DD/us - grrrr! I told him last night that last week had proved to me that I could cope without him. Haha! I think we're both stressed about new arrival, selling our house, finding somewhere to rent, money side of things as we won't have sold before we start to rent, so we'll be paying mortgage (which is v low at moment - phew) and rent. And I won't be earning much for much longer. So all a bit scary for us both.

He dreamt on Sunday night that I had a lesbian affair and then asked him if he'd join us. He was really upset about it! V odd. But he's reading the Girl Who Played with Fire by Steig Larsson, which might explain it!

Re the grumpy babies - lucky me! DD loves having her nappy changed as we have a game of dropping Sheepie off the changing mat onto the floor and she says "uhoh" and I have to bend down and pick Sheepie up, then attack her with tickling from the floor while she's up on the chest of drawers. We could do it for ages! And then put on The Grand Old Duke of York when she gets bored of that game and she cuts some serious moves!

PS Am trying to be down with the kids with that "cuts some serious moves" - i think it could be shapes or something, but I'm too square to think what it might be!

Lady - yeah I think I'll wait for him to message me when and if he wants to. I'm a bit worried about getting too involved as his dp is really roping me in as she is understandably heartbroken. And then there's the kids - Gosh they've been through enough and they look at her like a mother figure

Oh, and unfortunately another baby WILL make certain acquaintances (and possibly some friends) think I'm not serious about a career. I know it's not the 1950s but the general view is already that I have become some sort of contented farmer's wife (not dissing farmer's wives there, ZJ) living a quiet life watching CBeebies out in Nowheresville. This is yet another reason why I need to sell my book.

I always like to boast that I don't care what people think but actually I realise that that isn't true!

Oh Beans you make me laugh - thanks!