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DEC 08 - Barely into toddlerhood and already at our tit's end

998 replies

MomOrMum · 13/01/2010 14:22

Tit's end...had to be done.

Hope this works!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Rubena · 11/02/2010 14:47

Beans glad DH has pulled his head in!
ds doesn't have a comforter as such - well he does, but it's his muslin. he will go places without it but always needs it to nap/sleep. Fortunately he doesn't care what colour it is etc so it's quite easy to just pull another one out

Regarding good behaviour. Ds responds very well to 'no' and gets a bit upset if I say it in a certain tone when he's pulling books off the shelf or hitting the dog with his wooden hammer etc so he seems to stop doing it however he also laughs at the throwing food thing, and for some reason if I say 'no' when he does that, he gets really pissy and then bursts into tears, and off he goes.
I haven't really had occasion to hold his hand outside etc as he has usually been in the buggy or a highchair so not really sure. I do sometimes hold his hand at home to guide him away from the dogs bowl, or over to the couch to have some milk or something and he seems ok with that as if I don't, and he badly wants his milk, he see's the cup and runs around like the house is on fire all disorientated? Not sure why but I think he just gets so excited about the milk that he doesn't know where to go for it? Strange as he's been having his milk on the couch for ages now!

Rubena · 11/02/2010 14:48

Have fun Summer

Beans33 · 11/02/2010 14:53

Rubes, I have to say, he sounds absolutely gorgeous!! I love that description of running around because he's so excited about his milk!!! Gorgeous.

Beans33 · 11/02/2010 14:54

SL - have an amazing time - look forward to hearing all about it!

daisydora · 11/02/2010 16:15

Beans I would be very at DH. And I would go, and try and make sure that I returned home after he did!!!

Summer have a lovely time!

Re: behaviour DS laughs at the word no, and does this cute face at you where he scrunches his nose up!

Today has been weird, but marginally better. DH woke to declare he wasn't getting out of bed and that he wasn't going to the funeral either (its tomorrow). So I lost it. Called him a self pitying t*at!! And that if he didn't go to the funeral it wouldn't be a case of remembering his mum and celebrating her life but it would all be about 'oohh where's MrDaisy'. He looked pretty shocked and I wasn't sure if he was going to cry or slap me. He did neither. But after a few hours he managed to have a shower and a shave (he hasn't had one for days!!) and we managed the walk but not lunch as he didn't feel like it. But we had a nice long chat and as I said I think it helped...we'll see.

daisydora · 11/02/2010 16:17

BTW he hasn't shaved for days!!! If he hadn't showered I think I would have lost it sooner, but a bit of stubble I can handle.

Beans33 · 11/02/2010 16:38

Oh well done DD - sounds like he did need a bit of a shouting at. All too easy to wallow, I would imagine, which I shouldn't think would make things better. I know he needs to do it in his own time, but it is good to try to get back to a semblance of normality and let you into his grieving so you can cope together. He must be aware that other people need him as well.

Big love

xxxx

Veggiemummy · 11/02/2010 19:23

wow Daisy well done you, he definitely needed that but I think you waited til the precise time to do it. Also I think your reasoning for him not going to the funeral was inspired.

Beans I'm glad your DH has seen sense.

Hehe at the touchy feely girls, it's perfectly and it will erm...get more intense. A friends daughter used to have special humping toy, not sure how she decided that that toy was good for that purpose. Also one sunny day we were in my friends back garden she & I were sitting in the grass cross legged when her daughter came up to her and started humping her leg!

Well poor DS2 has had very high temps today, so a bit more than his teeth, it's either the imms or a virus. I'm thinking a virus as he is clearly feeling very unwell. A sadder baby you have never seen. He perked up a lot tonight with some nuerofen so hopefully he'll get through tonight ok. We were a bit silly and took him to the big forest near our house this afternoon as DS1 & I wanted to go sledging and DH wanted to see the forest covered in snow. Poor DS1's eye is so bruised from the toilet bowl incident.

Rubs you can come anytime. I'm still up for a Paris meet up. Maybe in Spring when the Tuleries will be all pretty.

DS2 doesn't have a fav toy, DS1 had a rotating roster of fav toys. This week it's stripey the Zebra.

Did someone ask about my address I've posted it on our FB group.

Syb, hello how are you, I love your posts I think we have a very similar style of child neglect parenting.

Veggiemummy · 11/02/2010 19:25

Sorry Daisy that should been precisely the right time, not the precise time. I'm sure you didn't have this planned down to the nano second.

daisydora · 11/02/2010 19:53

scrap my earlier post , chat did not work. DH has just taught DD to call me a miserable cow for not letting them juggle fruit and scream when I was trying to settle DS.
I am sat here crying my eyes out, and am not actually sure what the fu*k is going on. I thing DH is actually losing the plot, I feel like I'm watching a weird film where someone is having a breakdown and I can't do a thing about it.

Okay I might be being a bit melodramatic here but some of his actions since I posted have just been way out.

notjustanumber · 11/02/2010 20:47

Sorry Daisy. When I said that it was difficult to understand how he might be feeling and suggested making allowances I didnt realise it would go this far. Both myself and DH have been bereaved reasonably recently and so the other person has been on the end of a little bit of thoughtless or selfish behavoir but anything like you describe. I think you do have a right to draw a line somewhere even under these circumstances, and I'm angry he is treating you like this when you are being so understanding.

I dont know what else to say really as I wouldnt want to make things worse but if I was a friend in RL or someone close to you I would support you in a "I know you are hurting but I cannot keep letting you behave like this" go at him. And when he sayd that you dont understand, then say "Well tell me, then !" Perhaps you should ask him what exactly he wants from you and if he wants to spend a few days away for a while to give him some time to think and pull himself back together. And remind him that despite how he feels, this is not just about him.

I think I have been in your shoes, a heart stopping moment where you just think "How can this have happened to us", and feeling like you are just in a total nightmare. It can get better but its just difficut to see the way out. I really hope things improve for you after the funeral.

urbanewarrior · 11/02/2010 21:34

Oh daisy . I don't think I have any constructive suggestions, sorry. Has he got a really good friend he can talk to? Or you can get to come round? Might make him behave more reasonably if it's a bit more in public IYSWIM . But poor him that he feels so awful that he's behaving like this, and poor you for being on the receiving end. Will be thinking of you all tomorrow.

Am really sorry am too tired for proper catch up, but hopefully back over the weekend. Is all far too hectic at the moment...

SL I hope you have a lovely time in Barcelona. Am very

spotofcheerfulness · 11/02/2010 21:50

Have been lurking but no real time to post - also nothing very interesting to say but just wanted to say how sorry I am to Daisy for everything you're going through right now. NJAN is right in that however he is feeling, he has no right to treat you like that, and be so disrespectful in front of the kids. I would agree that maybe him going away for a few days might help?

Like Urbane will also post more at weekend as DP is in Vancouver for a week so I will have a lot more time to mumsnet work

daisydora · 11/02/2010 23:16

NJAN, your last part of your post sums up where I am right now. Deep down I know that he will come out the other side of this but I feel so bloody useless!

He has a couple of close friends coming to the funeral tomorrow. I may pick my moment at the wake to have a word with them. As for him going away, you know what? I'd love it. I am exhausted from trying to understand/sympathise/be there. He woke me up at 4.30am this morning to ask me if I wanted a coffee. I want to be there but he is deliberately trying to hurt me and rally against everything i say or suggest. This is all so new to me I haven't a clue what I should do or say. And him and DD laughing while she spoke to me like that just broke my heart...oh god I'm crying again Must go to bed....

sybilfaulty · 12/02/2010 01:25

My lovely daisy.... I am a bit pissed so forgive me if I an rambling. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and holding your hand at this horrid time. I am so sorry your DH is behaving in such a difficult way. I am so sorry, too, that you have tomorrow to get through when things are so tough today. I realise that you must think of walking away from everyone but I know you have the strength and courage to get through it.

Am thinking of you and DH and sending so much love and good wishes for you all. I am so sure DD is not trying to hurt you. God, what a week for you, if only you were near and I could come and take the kids for an hour or make your supper or something.

The basket is here to hold you my lovely XXXX

Rubena · 12/02/2010 07:26

Thinking of you Daisy get through today and things will get better. I'm useless in these situations - never know what to say as I haven't really been in a situation similar, but I know you are handling it better than I would be.

JumpJockey · 12/02/2010 07:46

Oh lovely Daisy, you poor thing. Yes he's lost his mum but that's not an excuse to be so horrible to you. Is there any chance after the funeral to suggest he get some counselling to deal with how he's feeling about it all? The fact that he was able to sit down and talk to you about things yesterday is a good sign, even if it was only for a while, so it may be a case of finding the right moment. Talking to his mates is a really good idea as well as who knows, he might not want to show you how sad he is (perhaps he feels it would lessen his role as Man of the House to cry and say he's not coping?) but with his friends it may be different?

There are lots of prayers and white light coming to you from all of us, you're being so strong for your dcs which is wonderful but when you need us we're here.

Kayzr · 12/02/2010 07:55

Morning,

Daisy, thinking of you today. I know your DH has just lost his Mum but his behavior is unacceptable. Especially teaching your DD to call you names.

I really hope that he soon starts to behave normally again.

Lots of love and hugs. XX

sybilfaulty · 12/02/2010 08:14

Thinking of you today Daisy. Hoping it's as peaceful as it can be.

Much love XXX

EffiePerine · 12/02/2010 08:50

Thinking of you today Daisy. You have been such a rock for your DH and the children, I hope the funeral gives you a chance to grieve yourself and have a little quiet time to think about your MIL.

LadyThompson · 12/02/2010 09:27

Daisy, I am thinking of you so much and willing today to be ok. I was reading this thread on my phone on the train last night and was dying to post but I just didn't dare (as my phone posts 100 times in one go)- but whilst your DH is really suffering I am afraid he is using you as an emotional punchbag. It's just not on. I was trying to think of people you could confide in and who could have a word with him and thought of your MIL's sister, who you said was nice and sensible, but your idea of talking to a couple of his good friends is a much better one. Goading your DD into saying naughty things to you is really wrong but it's not the real him, he is just going loopy with grief. But that said - even within such an awful thing as grief, there are still limits to how we treat loved ones. HOWEVER, when DH died, I was so cold to my family (who I utterly love) about it, I really just cut them out for a while and didn't even want them at the funeral (though I agreed they could come in the end thank goodness). It was crazy, awful behaviour and I can't believe I was like it now, and your DH will come through this and be sad about the way he was with you (or maybe won't even remember). Anyway, that was quite rambling but above all, beaming you lots of love and strength today.

Scan was weird yesterday - my last period was 17 Dec but the child was conceived on or around 10 January (I know this for certain as it was the only unprotected sex I had anywhere near that time) so with my unwieldy cycle I am only 6.5 weeks. The lady who was doing the scan was saying "The pregnancy is very small for 8 weeks, it may not be developing properly" and I kept saying I am not 8 weeks though, and it all got a bit silly. I am not seeing my consultant until 22 Feb (before our meet up) but I might ring her today because the scan lady upset me. Anyway, there was a heartbeat and everything that should have been there was, and it was the right size for the age I KNOW it is so fingers crossed.

DP was at home so I didn't have to take DD, so I had planned lunch with a friend before the scan and then drinks and dinner with another friend in the evening, followed by some late night comedy. However, it took me 3 hours to get in on the train because there was a suicide on the track near Slough (seems to happen quite a lot) so we all had to go on a local stopping service and stand all the way so I missed lunch and was late for my scan. Then poor little DD was ill and I wanted to be home with her so I just had a quick drink with my friend and came home. It's an MMR reaction, her temp went up to 39.9 and she was all floppy and DP said she was too ill to cry, could only whimper She would have been fine with DP, he is brilliant with her but I just wanted to see her. Anyway, late last night her temp was down to 36.6 so much better, and she was all perky again.

Jump, as soon as I change her nappy her hands are straight down there. I'm not fussed if it is just wee but if it's a dirty one I make a joke out of continually moving her hands back and tickling her if she does it. I am hoping that is a nice aversion therapy When she is in the bath she doesn't seem fussed as she is too into splashing to worry about her bits...

Beans, DD is not attached to any one toy in particular. She will have a fad on one for 20s mins and then move onto the next one. She is fickle, like her mother Though she does love a floppy eared bunny slightly more than other things, that my best mate (and a long ago Ex) bought for her.

WG, sorry DD is begging for food. I simply can't imagine it as we have the opposite problem. If I tucked into an 8 course gourmet blanket before DD, she would studiously ignore me. She's just not interested. Oh sure, we TRY to give her things off our plate if they are suitable, but she just half heartedly gives a little chew and chucks them away. The only thing she really seems into is formula. (Rubes, I did smile about your DS running around in confused excitement when he sees the milk, that is SOOO cute).

Effie, that house looks super! I love it!

CS and stitches - I dimly remember my consultant telling me the type of stitches used depends on the state of your skin. I was lucky to be able to have the good ones last time and I hope I will again. I will ask her about it when I see her. I don't have stretch marks or loose skin or any of that, and am not too fat on my lower tummy either (weight has gone on all over so my thighs and bum are horrendous, arms etc). As for numbness, I have that just above my scar, for 1-2cm.

Right, breakfast. I am starving.

LadyThompson · 12/02/2010 09:29

I don't meant an 8 course gourmet blanket, do I? I mean a banquet

waitinggirl · 12/02/2010 09:59

i prefer the blanket

oh, daisy - grief can do some weird things to people - in our case, i think it brought out the best in us (at least for the first few weeks), but it seems to have affected you dh in the opposite way. there has been some wonderful advice on here and we are all thinking of you. hope that helps in some way. you will get through it, as will your dh. eventually.

LadyThompson · 12/02/2010 11:01

DD's temp was back up to 39.4 when she woke up and she has a swollen red patch on her knee. It's awful, she was all trembly. I have got it down to 38.6 now with Calpol and stripping her off. These darn vaccinations, I hate seeing her suffer like this.

Aubergines · 12/02/2010 11:05

Daisy - thinking of you today. I can't add much to the wise words that have already emerged from the basket but I do hope your DH stops lashing out soon. Maybe the funeral will help move him on to a new stage. xxx

LadyT - how horrid of the sonographer to worry you and ignore your knowledge of dates. I conceived both my girls around day 22 of my cycle which meant I was always a week behind my LMP dates. It's hardly rare so sinographers should be used to adjusting for long cycles. A heartbeat is a great sign so please don't waste another second worrying.

I am on half term holidays now. Yay! A week at home with DH and the girls. I have been quite anxious and a bit down recently so I hope this break helps. I can't put my finger on what's wrong but I constantly feel wound-up and like something bad is about to happen. Lovely DH has packed me off fir a massage and haircut this morning so I am posting from the hairdresser's chair. I am trying a new hair colour for spring - let's hope it suits.