DEC 08 - Barely into toddlerhood and already at our tit's end

[MomOrMum]

Tit's end...had to be done.

Hope this works!

Beans I am not sure I am holding it together really I just don't want to get his back up while the DC's are here iyswim. His behaviour is becoming increasingly weird everyday. I actually want to scream at him tbh, but thats not exactly going to help matters. He has just informed me his mum was 'the love of his life' and his heart is broken forever. And without sounding a tad insensitive, he never seemed that bothered about her in life. I'm not saying he didn't love her but he wasn't round there all the time, nor did he ring her much etc. But as he reminds me every minute. I have never been through it so I can't imagine what he is feeling. He's right I can't.

Ladyt, I 'm not sure he would be open to counselling. Its something i had already thought of but i need to see how he gets on after the funeral and mention it if he doesn't improve.

The idea of coffee made me feel sick most of the time in the first trimester. Alcohol too.
To be honest I think i am always doing stuff that other people at least think I shouldn't. I told someone at work that there were some pregnant people on our skiing holiday and he was shocked that they would ski (at 5-6 weeks). He is going to be similarly disapproving when he finds out I was snowboarding at 12 weeks. I think I shall not mention the mountain biking at 7 months last time (though I do think that was possibly a little silly - DH thinks it is fine to do these things though so it makes me a little blase)

daisy sorry cross posts.
I think you are right not to get his back up and give him a bit more time. Hopefully he will start to improve and at least get over the anger part of grieving after the funeral.

If he is angry I suspect he is doing stuff to try and provoke a reaction from you as well. He probably kind of WANTS you to shout at him, but I'm not sure that would be good. Or maybe it would when the DCs are out of the way? Oh I don't know, I am crap at this type of thing.

I do think you should politely point out that if he breaks something dangerous could he clear it up though.

I do understand. I think you have to be of a certain more open mindset to benefit from counselling, unfortunately. I don't mean that in any negative way, by the way, to anyone who has had counselling of any kind.

I think I am right in saying that you have the support of a church and I hope he does too, and that helps him a bit.

Yes our church have been wonderful....I think he is having a delayed reaction or the initial shock is wearing off. The first couple of days after she died he was very together. Today (and yesterday) his behaviour has seemed very erratic to me.

I have also realised through all this that I am shit at empathising with him. Not sure what kind of person that makes me either.

Hello everyone,

daisy It sounds like a very tricky situation, I think I'd have gone bonkers over the broken glass , I'm obviously much more unsypathetic than you. Perhaps he has conflicting feelings because he didn't spend enough time with her IYSWIM. She was quite demanding wasn't she? Sorry if I've mis-remembered, I don't want to dredge up old issues either but what I mean is, when someone dies it can be hard to resolve the fact that you miss them very much with the fact that relations were not always harmonious. I hope you have a good day tomorrow. Perhaps you should ask someone from the church to talk things through with him.

ladyT Hope the scan goes well tomorrow. Too early for a sneaky guess at the sex I expect! The babysign for duck is flat fingers to thumb - I hope that makes sense. Your hand should look like a quacking beak. I realised today DD was using it for seagulls . I can be alerted to all birds .

I had no idea raw mushrooms were on the banned list. Not that I think I ate them, the texture is weird. Hope the house renovations move quickly. Would a carpenter be able to make you shelves? They can be quite reasonable and would be able to work round uneven walls.

summer Snowboarding at 12 weeks makes you a cool mummy!

rubes Come out of hiding! It isn't the same without you.

JJ I thought the same about the poorly baby. I just wanted to pick him up.

LadyT forgot to wish you well for tomorrows scan. Will be thinking of you

And Jolly, yes MIL could be hard work. I think there is something in what you have just said.

SL I was skateboarding when 18 weeks preggers with DS1, and I even think I are raw mushrooms, I'm clearly a bad bad mummy.

Daisy I have to say empathy can sometimes be worse, if you try to say to him you understand how he is feeling he'll just just round on you I think, he needs to feel like his sadness is the worst at the moment. Having said that he needs to realize he is a father and needs to look after his own children. He is acting like an out of control teenager, I wonder what his relationship was like with his mum in his teens. I think you can only tolerate this behaviour so far. There comes a point when he needs to look re-enter reality and remember those around him again. How are your LOs do you think they are picking up that things are bit not right with their dad? How is your FiL can you talk to any of them about hid behaviour.

Am I the only mummy of boys who would love their sons to say that I am the love of their life.

Enjoy seeing you cheeky little mite tomorrow.

Rubs are you out there. Lady have you texted her?

The boys and I went for a lovely walk in our closest forest today, it's not far from DS1's school and near the beach. It was all White with snow, so all magical. DS2 slept for some of it, but woke up and had a little walk (run away) with us. There was a great little play area that was fenced in to keep the dogs out and DS2 could go on some of the equipment. The boys are playing so well together lately it's really lovely. DS2 can do a lot more these days and is a little less distructive so DS1 is loving playing with him.

Jolly we feed the ducks a lot on the way home from school so I'm gonna try out duck with DS2, I expect he'd be better with anything to do with food but we'll see.

Oh and I had a giggle to myself today, I was looking in the fridge and cupboards working out what to do for the boys tea, when I thought of SL looking in her cupboard and finding artichoke hearts, my potatos rice and chickpeas seem so mundane in comparison.

It is so hard to keep up these days, you ladies are so chatty!

Daisy - I'm so sorry to hear what a shit time you are having. Your poor DH, but also very, very frustrating for you. It sounds like you are doing everything right and it sounds like you are an unbelievably supportive wife. Thinking of you and hoping that things get a little bit more manageable soon.

Veggie - Yes, write a blog! I love reading about the details of your days. You seem to do SO much. I feel proud if I manage to get to and from work and cook a hot meal now and again

Liked the tangent on books. I am almost done Wolf Hall. I am amazed by the detail - how she can recreate the atmosphere of the time. I did struggle for the first 100 pages, and had a few ups and downs throughout, but I am hooked now towards the end. I have The Children's Book on the shelf, but am worried now that I will hate it. I really can't stand "let me show you everything I know" type novels. I love, love Margaret Drabble but found that she went through a phase like that and it was really irritating. I liked AS Byatt's Possession, but did have to skip loads of pages of the poetry - yes, amazing and beautiful but COME ON and get back to the story now, would you!

Lady - Loved Julian Fellowes Snobs. Let me know if the one you're reading now is good too.

Kayz - Sorry to read your other thread, but glad that your DH is seeking help and making an effort. Must be really hard for you to see him so angry.

What else...

This doesn't register anywhere near the problems that many of you are having now, but I had a major meltdown on Monday. Definitely related to sleep and the demotion of my DH to just an H! He went out all day and night on Saturday (pub with mates), after travelling most of the week last week. I had a bad night with DS on Saturday night and by Sunday morning I had hit the wall and needed help. I took DS to DH and said he had to take him as I needed to go back to bed for a bit, but DH was too busy vomitting! Of course not related to the 12 hours of drinking on Saturday...not at all. The flu, he claims. Arghhh!!! But Sunday night I had major insomnia from overtiredness and by Monday morning after another night of 3 hours sleep, I lost it. I think it has resulted in DH realising that he needs to help more, so good on that front.

It has also led me to believe that a slow cooker can solve all our problems, as DH could cook dinner a couple of nights a week by bunging food in a slow cooker when he is working from home. Effie - Was it you talking about slow cookers?

Where is Rubes??? I had a chuckle about overhang gate because I definitely have the overhang and I think I tried to tell myself it was from scar puckering, but, really, it probably is just fat. I picked up a major cake eating habit when I was pregnant and seemed to be able to keep it up while I was on mat leave (walking with the buggy loads) but now that I am working with my fat ass in an office chair all day, the daily cakes are taking their toll. I have rampant acne and have definitely gained a stone since Christmas.

I haven't been watching the baby show, but it sounds like I've missed out! I get kind of sad watching shows about labour because I was so gutted about my C-section (technically elective because my stubborn breech baby was 10 days overdue and wouldn't oblige my desire for a vaginal birth!).

Night all.

It's a sad day for mums to be in North Yorkshire. All the maternity wards have now closed. There is just Scarborough and York. Both of which are about 30 miles from here. It take about an hour on a good day to get there and when it is snowing it's not a good road. Everyone is pretty pissed off as we've been fighting this for the past 2 years. My friend gave birth to her DD2 in a layby with loads of workmen jeering is now considering not having another baby as she won't get there in time.

Really quite pissed off about it even though I won't be having a hospital birth unless it's unavoidable.

What a ramble. Sorry

Daisy hope your DH settles down after the funeral. Thinking of you all.

LadyT good luck for your scan.

Oh Daisy - you poor thing. Must be so hard as while you feel sorry for DH it must be hard feeling like you are to one side for now. But it won't last forever. I know it's tough, but you sound like you are doing everything right. I don't know how it feels either, but when I try to imagine it, my heart hurts and my head spins, so I suppose that's one step towards it. The reality must be so much worse. Thinking about it, love to all of you who have lost a family member. x

On the pregnancy note - the only things I'm not eating are liver and pate. Everything else is fair game, I reckon. Even unwashed veg and salad - I am evil! And I can only eat my steaks blue, so I'm buggered if I'm going to give them up!

DH is going skiing in March, when I'd be 6 months pregnant. I've elected not to go for 3 reasons: 1. I'd have to buy a new outfit just for one week. 2. I'd be worried about some scary mad person skiing into me. 3. If I went and didn't ski, I'd be so jealous of all the others that I'd be vile and grumpy all week.

Oh Kayz - that is annoying. A friend of mine went into labour in MidGlamorgan during the snow and had to walk 40 mins to the hospital as they couldn't get their car out and the ambulance couldn't get to them! When she arrived she had her baby 7 minutes later! What a great story to be able to tell your baby when it's older!!!

hey.
rubes don't hide away. We're not scary.
daisy no idea what to say to you to help you through this horrendous time, but I'm praying for you.
Well I've never been to Barcelona. And I've not read any clever books.
On books...dd2 is completely uninterested in books. I'm sure at this age dd1 would let me read to her and would enjoy looking through books, but P just slams it shut and chucks it away. Oh well. She doesn't point at anything, say anything other than "mmma" or show any recognition of understanding anything either. But she copies me if I stick my tongue out! ANd she now yells if I leave the room.
I'm having a wobble about work and child care. P loves nursery and it is a fantastic nursery and I'm very happy with it, but I'm feeling like I want to spend more time with P. I worked out that excluding official 'sleep' time (ie 6pm - 7am) I spend 41 hours/week with her and nursery have her for 36. It shocked me and saddened me, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just scared that she's growing so quickly and I'll look back and regret not spending more time with her, especially as a dc3 is very unlikely. I do love my work, but work is just work, and P is my child. Perhaps I've got it all the wrong way round.
P looks like a speckled frog today - covered on her front, back and face in a rash, which I'm guessing is the measles bit of the MMR coming out, although it's 14 days since her jab - Veggie do you think it could be that? Or perhaps she's just virally in general. SHe has been a bit snotty and clingy and slept really badly last night. Also noticed another tooth so I guess it's the combination. Sorry I'm waffling.
Sorry not to do personals. Feeling a little flat...
will try to pop back tomorrow. Off to bed now. Night night.

Oh and I'm off to bed now - bath and then zonko. Hope you all sleep tight and all babies sleep through the night - including mine!
xxxx

oh and where's WG? Hope you're ok if you're lurking x

Trace - How many days do you work? Because I work 4, and I figure that DS spends MORE waking time at the childminder than at home. That just doesn't seem right, but I don't know what I can do because I really can't do my job properly in 3 days/week, not to mention the money side. It's so hard, isn't it?

Speaking of work, I keep forgetting to ask...my work (international development/children's charity) is doing a media piece for Mother's Day comparing our experiences here with prenatal care, midwives, birth, etc. with those of women in developing countries. They have loads of women from London already, but would like more women from other parts of the UK. Would anyone be interested in participating? Not sure what it would entail - could be just telling them your story over phone or email, or could be an actual interview. Let me know if anyone is keen and I will somehow post the contact details.

Right, back from supper out. Off to bed soon, a rare early night, but I very much wanted to say to Trace - I'm sorry you feel a bit down. A big hug to you As to the work/P balance thing, well, I think any decision we make feels wrong sometimes; even if it feels right the rest of the time. What I mean is - EVERYTHING is a compromise. I'm at home all the time and I worry about managing for money and my career. If I worked full time, I would stress about DD and I think even if I worked part time out of the home (which I thought would be my ideal) I would feel torn between DD and work. Give it some more thought, but it seems with motherhood, occasional days where you question everything seem to be a given. And please don't mind my endless waffling about books and other matters. Don't forget I live in the middle of flipping nowhere and most days I only ever see DD or DP - it is very isolating and if I didn't chatter on here I'd be climbing the walls

Mom - Past Imperfect seems really enjoyable so far so if you enjoyed Snobs, you should definitely read it. Sorry your DH has been a bit naughty. Unusually, my DP has been an utter paragon Though he did a Beans yesterday and went to court wearing different boots - both black, but one with a square toe and one with a rounder toe. I wonder if the jury noticed.

Veggie, I haven't texted Rubes because I don't want to disturb her or crowd her if she feels like she needs a break, though I have been tempted. Come back Rubes! We need to know you're ok. Oh and Veg have you put your address up on FB yet? I want to send AK a little something.

Jolly, I think if they guess the sex tomorrow they would indeed be magic! It would be like trying to guess the sex of a prawn. Loving the duck sign...will try to teach DD.

Trace, I think DD is reacting to the MMR too, poor mite. She had it a week ago and she has a temperature tonight but no rash yet.

Yes, WG is AWOL. Hope all is well and you are just busy!

I got cross with a lad on the phone yesterday and it's been really troubling me. He was telling me my bathroom items would be delivered between 1 and 5pm today and I just got really arsey because I knew I would be in a freezing house with DD and I think I went too far It wasn't his fault, and I acted like a diva. I can remember his name so I am going to ring up tomorrow to say sorry. Getting mad at people like that over phone is really low and I am very ashamed And the worst thing was he sounded really nervous by the end and so I feel like a bully. Anyway, off to bed. Sweet dreams all.

Mom I had DS2 at home in Derby but with a private midwife not sure if that's what they want and also I'm not available for a face to face interview.

Trace, the mini measles usually come out after 5 days that sounds more like a viral rash. Is she ok otherwise.

Can't help much with the work balance childcare thing, I was weak and gave in. However, this may sound like a cliché but quality really is important over quantity I believe anyway.

I'm off to bed but our neighbour must be deaf his radio or TV is up so loud I don't know how I'm going to sleep! I've bashed the wall so hard it's hurt my hand but he still hasn't turned it down. It's 11.30pm!

Oh, and Daisy - I think unless you have direct experience of something it is hard to empathise. But I really do think you are doing your absolute best. Hang in there. Glad the church have been super, that is very good news.

I put it on the wall of our group on facebook Lady. I think that is really lovely that your going to apologize Lady, it will make both of you feel better. Still they could have organized to phone you when they were an hour away. Oh and meant to say your poor DP he has a thankless job hasn't he, someone is always going to be unhappy whichever way it goes. I always think defence lawyersust believe so strongly in our right to justice.

Oops defence lawyersust?! Should be lawyers must.

Hello everyone! I'm not lurking! - Just coincidently have been busy the last couple of days and have tried to catch up but have had trouble doing that since it's so chatty on here! I am very honoured that everyone has asked about me - especially Jolly, your comment made me
dh has had stitches out and as he suspected has an infection so has been a bit [ahem] difficult! Fortunately self diagnosed it and doubled up on A/B's but another op is looking likely. he is not a good patient...
Didn't know I couldn't eat raw mushrooms I have them in salads all the time! Woops. I had decaf the 1st tri, and now have one or two regulars in the morn so have cut down considerably. I also have the occasional glass of wine (perhaps a glass once every couple of weeks) and I miss runny eggs a lot but think I may have some as the chances are really slim to none of there being a problem I feel.
Can't get into this book talk - sorry. Just glancing at the bookshelf is quite embarrasing really - it's full of Star Wars, James Bond type stuff plus things like "Bio Chemistry", "Clinical Anatomy" "Trauma Surgery" then over to what clearly is my contribution - a lovely assortment of self help titles like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", "If Men Could Talk" "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their lives" plus "What to Expect the First year" "Skinny Bitch -Bun in The Oven" (It's not about how it sounds - truly) and on it goes so you get the general idea - how ever did we meet - Opposites attract and all that I guess
Lady, good luck with your scan tomorrow.
Daisy, hope things get better - You are holding up well and are such a good wife.
Kayz, glad things are looking up with dh etc.
Barcelona - i've only been once but saw everything on Sybils list including the construction! Fantastic though (not the construction) I also drove a beat up old Bedford campervan through the city and got completely lost but it was lots of fun. DH has been there quite recently but it was work related so they didn't do much else plus he skipped out on the last night and went home on an early flight to make it to a bike race
Didn't know that nappy thing after MMR for preg one's - DS has his on Friday so will pass on the task to dh whenever posible
Oh and that baby show - wow - the woman with her son in the room!!!!!! For the Love of God!! get him OUT! And the jackass of a husband trying to lock her in the toilet - I would have killed him! And the poor CS girl and the deadbeat boyfriend - what a shambles that guy is. I have series l.inked it on Sky - it was car crash TV so I'm dying to see the next episode

Anyway, must be off - lady let us know how the scan goes.

Oh and Mom - You didn't look over-hung at all when I met you!!! But if you are saying there is some fat hanging around - that is exactly what I was confused about over at the CS thread, and so I also called it over hang too!! But apparently it's not to be called that as an "overhang" in the technical sense of the word in the cs world is apparently nothing to do with fat!! LOL Oh dear...off I go...

hello. been lurking, thanks for asking, trace.

rubes - i followed overhanggate - sorry you have felt bruised by it. while i freely admit to overeating and underexercising and am way larger than i would like, i also have absolutely no sensation between the scar and my belly button (which i do on all my other wobbly bits). i could practically perform my own liposuction without anaesthetic, it's that numb. presuming that must have something to do with it. but that is by the by.

can't sleep. and the ticking timebomb is due to go off in an hour and a half's time (that sneaky come into bed and have your morning feed at 4ish has now become as ingrained a habit as the birds singing with the dawn). and then i might possibly get another hour or so. and then there is no one to help for the whole day. dh is out filming (sounds way more glamorous than it is) and i'm supposed to be going out to the theatre for a night out tomorrow and simply don't know how i'm going to manage. you may have noticed i am feeling very sorry for myself.

a couple of wg questions for you all...
has anyone else's babe become a labrador? you know when those people say to give the baby something off your plate when you're eating? well, we did. it now turns out madam cannot bear anyone to be eating anything which she isn't, and begs and points and shouts for food. it is getting quite embarrassing. and of course, i tend to give her something to make her shut up. which only makes it worse, i suppose. and the only bit of baby signing which i have consistently done and which she has picked up is the food sign. which she now tends to do ALL THE EFFING TIME. i don't think she's always hungry, but knows she gets attention when she does it. so now i have to judge whether to ignore her hunger signs or not. which surely defeats the object of learning baby signing???!!!??? what's the baby sign for "pull the other one"?

forgot what my other question was. ugh.

daisy - hang on in there. it sounds really tough, but you sound as though you finding a way to cope through it. it's going to be a rough old time, but try to take it one day at a time. and don't forget to let other people look after you as well. it is too easy to think we always have to cope/look after everyone else at a time like this - i hope there is someone looking out for you.

sorry for lack of personals. will attempt to go back upstairs and try to get some sleep. poor dh - he leaves tomorrow at 7am and i've been sobbing at him for most of the night.

Oh WG, huge sympathies on the food front. I am afraid that I go for the school of least resistance and so am constantly handing out breadsticks, bits of fruit, crackers etc to keep the peace. I think babies have a huge desire to be part of the action and join in, so if R is showing you that, I'd go with it. M begs for food and whatever else his big sisters are having / doing and I usually include him to make him feel the same. So if they have a wholemeal jelly for pud, he gets a worthy yoghurt. I'd just be pleased that she is communicating with you as that is really impressive, esp the sign.

Sorry you are about to be woken too. I'm all for co sleeping or feeding to get some more shut eye. Whatever it takes really.

Not a peep from the young fellow but my other 2 tonight. Big one has a cold, middle one took her nappy off and did a wee in the bed. Now they are listening to Winnie the Pooh and I have the dulcet tones of Stephen Fry and Judi Dench floating in the air. I hope ou are all tucked up and getting some shut eye. Daisy, it does sound very tough, but am glad your folks are now here to help. Hope your lunch is soothing for your DH. Am thiking of you darling.

Love to all.

Just a quick one this morning to say Daisy, am thinking of you and your family and hope today goes as well as can be hoped.

oh and WG dd's godmother's daughter (!) who is the first baby I know to do signing, all she did for ages were milk and food, they knew she couldn't be hungry as she would do them just after meals so it may well be just the excitement of being able to communicate something, anything at all, that she knows you understand.

Hope you poor midnight owls managed to get some sleep.