Morning
Oh News so sorry I wasn't around last night when you were so low, feel like a rat now, especially as I have the oldest dc's and have been there twice already.
The only thing I could add to the brilliant advice others have given is to make an appointment to see the teacher rather than trying to speak to them before or after school in the crazy queueing chaos. Ds1 had some issues settling into reception year and I found it much better to quickly ask the teacher in the morning if I could see her after school, that way we went into the classroom and had a proper talk without any distractions. It would be better if someone else could have J though so that you can talk out of earshot. If not, bring her a comic or new colouring book or something to keep her distracted while you talk.
I know teachers can come across as obstructive and you feel so disconnected from what you LO does all day, but I have found that they are usually just harrassed at dropping off and picking up time and are fine on a proper one to one basis. Its hard to keep hold of but try to remember that most of them are teachers because they love children and they really do want your dd to be happy, its in their best interests as well as hers.
Lenni hit the nail on the head about the way you ask the questions. They have to deal with a fair few PFB parents (you'll get to know them, they're the ones that are driving the teacher mad before school every single morning and stopping people with genuine questions/issues from being able to raise them) and you need to make sure they understand you are not being PFB but have genuine concerns that need to be addressed and are willing to work with them to solve the problem/s.
Keep in your mind that you have every right to ask as many questions as you feel you need to in order to sort things out. As Lenni said, you are entrusting them with the care of your child and they have a responsibility to keep you in the loop and listen to and address any concerns you might have.
I would ask to see her sooner rather than later, you don't have to wait for parents' evening. That way you can help them to help her a lot sooner and set your own mind at rest.
I do know how you feel and its horrible, but it does get better. Its such a huge change going from being at home with Mummy to having a timetable and rules and having to deal with lots of different children and adults you don't know, but they do settle into it, it just takes a bit longer and sometimes a bit of extra support for some children. Poor little J is just going through the painful transition process, once school becomes a normal part of everyday life for her she will start to relax and it will just become her new normality iyswim. I would never have believed a couple of years ago that ds1 would be begging me to go back to school well before the end of the holidays, but he does it every holiday without fail.
I was just saying to dh last night that I feel like school is such a cruel thing to do to little ones (and Mums). I had such a lovely summer with my boys, the odd frazzled day here and there, but on the whole really lovely and since they've been back at school they've been so tired that we are getting stroppy, cheeky and sometimes downright naughty behaviour off them both (although to be fair more off ds1). I feel like I hand over my little boys at the beggining of term and don't get them back until a couple of days into the next holiday. Its horrible, but unfortunately its a fact of life we just have to face. I did consider home schooling, but if I'm honest, I get rattled with them just doing homework each night and I really don't think it would be fair because they actually love school, would miss their friends and I'm not confident that they would get a good enough education/qualifications at the end of it.
I've been rambling haven't I? Hope I said something useful in there somewhere. Am sending you huge hugs anyway.