jan 09; dream feeds, sod mummy's needs, shes on her knees...the one where it all starts to get better (hopefully)!

[fourlittlefeet]

here we are; a bit early, but one more task done. tick

Well- DS went into his cotbed tonight- he is getting too long for the moses basket already
He looks tiny in the cotbed though
We had a poo fountain at 7:30... just as I was trying to put dd to bed- lovely!

Back from parents evening and just managed to feed DD and scoff some food myself.

Sorry this is going to be a long one, but I need to get this out of my system.

Parents evening wasn't good. DS1s teacher says that his problems with social interaction are starting to cause problems in class as he expects to be heard immediately and finds it impossible to wait his turn to speak. He is also getting increasingly worse at listening to other people and this means he doesn't listen to instructions and directions in class. Also, despite being in the top group for literacy and numeracy, his work has slipped and he is not on target. We all agreed that the root cause is probably that things have been so tough for the family over the past few months and hopefully now that things are settling down his work will improve. His teacher is going to monitor him until Easter and we will have another meeting just before the end of term to decide whether or not he has improved or needs some additional help and/or assessment around his problems. I get the impression she is thinking about having him assessed with regard to his 'spectrum disorder' type issues.

DS2s teachers are concerned at how much his work has slipped since missing 6 weeks with the pneumonia. They explained that they want to put him on the special needs register in order to get him some additional support in class. They said they are not concerned about his ability to learn or intelligence and that he doesn't actually have special needs, but the only way they can get him the support he needs to catch up is by putting him on the register.

I feel terrible as I did a lot of work with DS1 when he was in Reception and haven't been up to doing the same for DS2, with the end result being that DS1 is regarded as one of the brightest in the class and in the top group for everything while DS2 is right at the bottom of his class.

So, it seems like if either of them are going to get where they need to be the onus is on me to do lots of extra work with both of them. Its exactly what I got upset about the other day, if I don't keep hold of everything and stay in complete control then it all comes unravelled (sp?) and now it feels like a huge weight on my shoulders as I don't want to let either of them down but there is only so much of me to go around and I am just so exhausted at the moment.

I would ask DH for some support, but whenever he has done their homework with them it hasn't been done to a good enough standard and I've ended up doing it again with them.

So I have gone from having two bright little boys with no problems at school to potentially having them both on the special needs register in less than a term!

Then to cap it all I heard DS1 crying after he went to bed tonight and went in to see what was wrong. He says he isn't getting enough cuddles and is sad for lots and lots of reasons, which when we started talking included everything from worrying about DD being sad because she cries a lot to Mummy being cross with him a lot and lots more things which he can't explain.

I feel terrible, I was so poorly, exhausted and short tempered throughout the pregnancy and have been so tired and grouchy since DD was born that I guess the boys sort of lost their Mummy for a while and this is the end result. I suppose its good that he is talking about it and that now things are getting back to normal he seems to be relaxing and letting out what he has been internalising, but I still feel like the absolute worst Mummy on the planet.

So there you have it, I have gone full circle from feeling tearful etc to feeling better and now feeling the pits in less than 24 hours!

Sorry to be such a whinger, I just needed to vent.

MM what an evening, poor you. I can't profess to have any kind of experience as LO is my first, but I can honestly say, hand on heart, that you sound like the best kind of mummy - caring, loving and just doing your very best to get it right. Just the fact that your boy opens up to you about his emotions shows what a great relationship you must have with him. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Family life with all its ups and downs are how we all learn to be fully rounded grown ups.

Nye has been keeping me busy today - he was seemingly only happy in the sling so I spent most of the day trekking around Abergavenny. Managed to finally buy the silhouette swing online so hopefully that will help.

MM, I can't advise but am sorry that you're feeling so down, and can understand why. However, as Miss J says you sound like a great mum, you obviously care a lot about your older children.

As for the school, they've made it clear that they're not saying your ds2 can't do it, they just have to do things in a certain way to get him the support he needs.

Can dh help in other ways with eg offering your sons more emotional support and more cuddles even if he's not so great at helping with their homework? Or taking them out for special treats? I asked my dad a few months ago to take on a role of being specially there for ds1 as I knew I wanted to try and do better at breastfeeding this time and this obviously means a big time commitment to ds2, but ds1 still needs lots of attention. In my area a lot of local Children's Centres are offering special dad's activities and groups at weekends - I don't know if there's anything like that near you.

Thanks missJ and elkie.

I do adore my boys, but my relationship with DS1 is not what it could be. He only opened up to me because he was sobbing and Daddy had gone out to the shops. We tend to rub each other up the wrong way as we are quite similar but he does know that I love him but seems to need to be told a lot probably as he is always getting told off by me.

DH is already always there for the boys as it is and has been far more than me over the past few months. The problem is that they have had enough now and just want their Mummy back.

I just wish I wasn't so tired and had enough time and energy to give them all what they need. It feels like I am failing them both at the moment. I want to do so much more but as it is my bum barely touched a chair today other than when I was feeding DD and I am so exhausted both physically and mentally I haven't really got any more to give at the moment.

I really didn't need this just as I was starting to feel better, especially as the boys were starting to come round probably as a result of me being more normal.

Anyway, I'm crawling off to bed now before I collapse. Hopefully it will all feel a bit better in the morning.

I'm really sorry. In my pregnancy with ds2 I had a really rough patch with ds1, as I was feeling soooo tired and ill. My mum really gave me a ticking off over Christmas for apparently being on her computer all the time and not giving ds1 enough attention. It was deserved, and I feel bad about it. I made much more effort for the last month to spend some time with him, joining in his bathtime with dp.

Anyway, hope you can find some way through. But if you can't manage to put in the homework support right now, don't beat yourself up. Maybe you can somehow offer some extra cuddles.

Hope things will continue to get easier - you say you were feeling a little better before this and maybe the effects of that will help.

moose sorry thing are rough. I am finding it hard enough being torn between 2 dc atm, let alone 3. In DS2's case- of course he needs (and deserves) extra support to help him catch up- he missed so much last year, poor thing.

In DS1's case- not only is he dealing with the impending and then new arrival- difficult for him as oldest- but he also has health issues, including migraine... of course his work will be affected. He is still v young, and it sounds like teacher isn't accounting for all the things going on in his life outside the classroom.

sorry mm

motherhood is so hard
when i was pregnant with dd2 i was very moody and dd1 was 2 playing up alot.
since i have had her i find it hard juggly them both to give her the same attention. it certainly is exhausting

just saying hello to bookmark - will catch up later!

MM- Hope you're feeling better, just to echo what everyone else has said, you sound like a fab Mum. It must be exhausting juggling three dcs and it sounds like you've all had a lot going on in the last few months. Hopefully you had a good nights sleep and things look better this morning. Is there a homework club or soemthing at school that DSs could go to for a bit of extra support? Sounds like the school are being supportive of DS, and as someone else said, he's so young there is plenty of time to catch up. Having another baby in the house is a huge upheaval (sp?) for everyone, so I guess it will take time to settle into a new routine where everyone is happy. It's still chaos here and DD is certainly behaving in a more challenging way since DS arrived.

Had a scary three days in the HKZ household. Took DS for his six week check and GP listened to his chest and then packed us all off to A&E. Jude got admitted and they weren't sure what was wrong, he had had a temp for three days, cough, wheezing, gone off feeding, been to the doctors twice in that timeas well and just told to give him Calpol. After taking blood and some swabs they found out he had bronchilitus (no idea how to spell it). So he got admitted and ended up with a canula in his tiny little hand, and an oxygen thing in his nose.
It was pretty scary, and at one point they were worried it might be delayed GBS as I tested positive in a smear test before I was preganat (but tested negative at 38 wks) and the doc we saw initially completely lacked any sort of bedside manner.
The children's ward were great and the nurses did a wonderful job and he's making a good recovery. He fever has gone, he's eating and he's less bunged up. He still has a hacking cough though. Was so happy to be discharged this morning and for DS to be free of tubes and wires.
Feel pretty terrible as I have been spluttering all over him the last two weeks as we have all had a cold and he was just too small to shake it off so it turned into bronchillitus.
Hopefully he'll be back to his normal self again soon. He's weighing in at a healthy 10lb 6oz, so that's all good. Right, off to check on him and make a cup of tea (hospital tea is revolting!)

Oh HKZ you poor thing! It's truly terrifying when they are in hospital so young and so upsetting when the have to have canulas and needles stuck in them - you just feel so helpless. There were lots of babies in with bronchiolitis when DS2 was in hospital they said it is incredibly common during the cold and flu season, so don't feel bad.

Glad he is on the mend and feeding properly again.

I woke up feeling worse this morning, took the boys to school, then made myself go for a walk in the sunshine but ended up sobbing into the pushchair. Just had a long talk with my mum, who is a clinical psychologist and agreed to have DS1 assessed privately so we have a clear picture of exactly what we are dealing with and how best to help him. Blubbed several times on the phone and feel better for it, probably just needed to let it all out.

poor u hkz glad that he is on the mend that must have been scary poor mite!!

mm - hope that things go in the right direction u have had alot of things going on in the past months

moose, gtd, it must be very tough, having other young dcs as well as a newborn - i am exhausted and can't find time to do anything with just catherine to look after. i am just discovering maternal guilt and combined with tiredness i think it makes it hard to keep things in proportion, for me anyway, so that any momentary grumpiness feels like an awful failure on my part. i can't imagine the additional pressure of looking after other children when so tired. i hope that you can both find some way to take a brief time out to recharge (though i know that's not easy to do).

hkz, hope lo now on the mend. sounds like it was v traumatic

i'm a bit worried about catherine this evening - she is sleeping (most unlike her) and looks a bit peaky to me. we have another cold in the house so perhaps she has caught it or maybe i'm just being a neurotic mother

HKZ, what a scary experience but glad that J is on the mend now.

Givethedog, thanks for asking re C. I'm just going to the hospital weekly now but today was a bit mixed. I had a 3 pm appointment at the hospital with someone to talk about my experiences/emotions - my experiences of her have been a bit mixed - we met with ds1 first and dp is very suspicious of her and we were both furious at the first outpatient appointment with her as she suggested our childcare arrangements showed a fear of looking after 2 dcs, and various other stuff - but last week and this week this week have been much more positive and she thought I looked a lot better than I had. I said that was down to being at home and being able to get on with things myself. I couldn't resist making my point.

As for weight, he's continued to gain weight, but apparently not fast enough - they want to see him gaining about 50g a day (350g a week) and he's gained 130g in the last week. Still, reflecting on the doctor's advice, one of her two points I actually totally agree with (need to feed him from both sides and not just the easier breast all the time, actually for my own sake as well as his). The other was to increase top ups again.

Still, thinking about it, it wasn't as heavy an intervention as it might have been, and everyone including the consultant who had met C when we were in hospital seemed to think he looked quite well generally.

I guess I'll have to ask on the feeding threads whether anyone knows if the 50g gain is based on formula or breastmilk.

Sorry to ramble on so long about this but I guess I'm fretting about it...

Hello everyone old and new!

I may have gone mad tbh - so I won't ramble on too much or even try to get a grip of the thread. Sounds like there is lots going on, I'm going to try and get back into posting but I have been too...well....mad really.

Harriet is 6 weeks today. She's lovely. A gem and so cute.

Harriet has thrown me for 6, the colic, screaming, constipation [IN A BREASTFED BABY WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?] and never being put down thing has been the biggest challenging parenting thing to date. The result is dd1 [4] has displayed the loving caring saint like side of her but is starting to crack also. I can't think about her without crying.

I don't want to go on, I promised myself I would not return till I could not wallow in my own mud.

So with your permission I'll shuffle into the thread again, but it may be sometime before I can make any usefull contributions. I'm fragile as hell so I dunno how much use I'll be!!

Tree! really pleased to hear from you, we have all been worrying about you and your little one!

So sorry to hear how tough things have been with little Harriet. Please come on here and wallow all you like (I do, as you will see if you manage to get a chance to read through the thread).

We are all here to help and support each other through whatever life is throwing at us, please don't suffer on your own - we are here for you.

Hello,

MM you have had a real few months of it haven't you I really hope things get better for you. I have 2 dc but you have 3 so you are a siant!

hkz so sorry to hear about your little one going into hospital I hope things get better.

Everyones having a real tough time it seems at the moment. There is alot of colds and coughs going around isn't there. I have had this pesky cough for over a month now. The doctor said my lungs are clear and that it should go away. I also have a cold too, although that may be because of my implant? My lips are also so dry, it is sooo annoying!

Finley is doing ok. He had his last feed at 10pm last night and then slept until 3.30am! Then had a feed at 8am. So he was only up once, it makes such a difference.

Thank you Moose - you're very kind. I feel a real rat to dump you all. It's like the worls had just stopped turning for me. I can't explain it really.

It's only colic, and yet.....buggered if I can get my head aroud it. It will get better but I just feel the whole thing has been ruined. Precious early days gone in a haze of her screams.

I'm pathetic in fact, some people have real problems and real sick children. Some people here that I haven't caught up on even. I haven't had a good mindset at all much to my embarressment, but I think I'm getting better. Hey ho.

Treeee! Yay! So lovely to hear from you. Please stop in and vent on us when you can, I couldn't begin to quantify the support yo gave all of us when we were pregnant. I think we more than owe you some now. And you are certainly not pathetic.

Elkie - Am sorry to hear they are still concerned about C's weight gain. How do you feel about your supply? Does it seem to be increasing? I know you've seen loads of people but have you found a bf counsellor who you click with yet? I'm not surprised you are fretting, you really have done amazingly though to get through all this and still be bf. I know many people who haven't sadly and hope you find it empowering once the fretting is over.

HKZ - sounds terrible. Glad you are home now.

MM - I think a private assessment for DS1 would be very sensible. Please don't fret over your relationship with him, what you describe would be very typical if he has AS tendencies and has nothing to do with how you have raised him iyswim, it isn't anything you have done. Have you looked at the Special needs board on here? There are some fantastic people on there. There is also a thread somewhere for parents of children with ASD tendencies but no diagnosis, I will find it for you. I've said before I'm sure but it is very much a continuum, we are all somewhere on it.

As for DS2 - I'm not sure I'd agree with their rationale for putting him on the SEN register. He would have to be statemented to get any financial support which there isn't a basis for. I think the school is being a little OTT to say he needs to be on the register to get additional help. Really they should be providing this already, after all he was ill some time ago now. I personally think the extra help should fall under the remit of his class teacher and teaching assistants within his classroom, if he is taken out of class for intervention to help him catch up he is only going to miss more work and there is also the danger that he spends more time away from his peers when he has already missed out on valuable time with them.

tree - good to hear from you. sorry to hear that things are tough with harriet - we have had a few evenings when everybody here wound up crying, and i don't think there's anything pathetic about not being able to handle the screaming. hang in there, catherine is better this week than she was last week, and there are plenty of early days left. (also, i gave up dairy and it seemed to help)

I wish I could have rallied myself to come back sooner. Am feeling greatly warmed nad more motivated to seize the day!

SO so sorry to hear of the hard times Elkie, Moose and HKZ are having/have had. Have only read through this thread though so am sure many others have had trials too. Seems ages ago when our biggest trial was getting comfy with huge bumps. I feel 100 years old.

link for Moose

Not sure how useful it is glancing through but some of the ladies on there are on my other PN thread and are wonderful

Tree - You know I can honestly say I didn't enjoy the first 6 months of DD's life very much, it was so hard. But I still look back fondly on those days, her firsts etc. All is very definately not lost.

Oh and Tree - have you tried an Amby?

Now that is topical!! dh really wants one, I'm obsessed by safe sleeping and all that so I'm not sure. Any experience?