February 2019 babies - thread 2

[Celebelly]

New thread, ladies!

detachable so sorry you're having a tough time atm. If you are really struggling I'd seek help for PND but if you can (and you have a supportive partner) I'd stick it out for a few more days to see if things settle down after the jabs. Your routine sounds great but it might settle into a new routine or might go back to what it was before, who knows! Fwiw R has been sleeping badly since his jabs on Wednesday, hardly napping for long in the daytime, needing holding all the time and very sicky. I also think the heat has something to do with it. Let us know how you are getting on and l hope you have a better night

Hope everyone struggling has a good night tonight Ours isn't off to a great start as she did a massive poo a few minutes after falling asleep so had to get her up again 😬 Think she's nodding off again so second time lucky, hopefully! Managed to cool room to 20 degrees, which is what it usually is, so hopefully we'll have an OK night. She went for a two-hour nap this afternoon which is almost unheard of! I think the new blackout blinds and putting her in sleeping bag for them is helping.

We're at MILs house and it's so hot tonight even though I've had the windows open. I put R to bed in his usual sleepsuit and 1.5tog bag thinking it would get colder overnight but I've just had to take the growbag off because he is too warm. I'm hoping he won't be too cold in the morning though, so hard to know what to dress them in. On the plus side I'm thankful I'm not sleeping on a postnatal ward in this heat!

@sunday38 - I ended up changing Emma too. I've got a 0.5 tog sleeping bag and she seemed totally fine in that x

I get so frustrated with DD. She screams and wants to get up but she’s not hungry she just wants to sleep on me. I’ve been up since 3.30am now after not being able to get back to sleep and then her needing a bit of food and a poo and then the rest of her food and then wanting to be up again or cuddles. At 10 weeks we’ve had a 5 hour stretch maybe once? And a few 4 hours, but even those are rare. Her jabs have made her wake up every 2/3 hours without fail, usually screaming and without much warning. The one time I came downstairs to make a bowl of cereal she started screaming and I seriously just wanted to walk out of the door.

I’ve had plenty of really really low days but this is the first day I’ve genuinely thought “I really regret having her and I want my old life back”. I read about some of your sleep schedules and I want to cry. I feel like I must be doing something so wrong and really failing her for her to be this shit at sleeping still.

I have all the perinatal support going but at the end of the day they can’t turn back time. My DH hates hearing me be so down and anxious because although he’s finding it tough he doesn’t have any of the negative feelings I do.

On top of it all I’m meant to feel “lucky” as he works from home and wasn’t working for the first 8 weeks. So I feel like I’m failing doubly hard because most of you haven’t had anything like that amount of help and I’m still struggling so badly.

Sorry to put all this here but just don’t have anywhere else I can say this stuff.

You aren't doing anything wrong. Those of us with good-sleeping babies are lucky, nothing more. It's no amazing feat of parenting. Some babies are just good sleepers and others aren't. Emma has been good since we brought her home from the hospital. It's all developmental and random at this stage.

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. It sounds really draining and exhausting. Sleep deprivation can present exactly the same as PND, it's really rotten. Have you spoken to GP about how you're feeling? And your partner?

@powkin I'm sorry you've had a crap night. Thinks always seem worse when your sleep deprived. Whilst these forums are great for support it can be demoralising when others seem to be coping/ sleeping better than you and your baby. Sleep can be seriously affected by jabs so hopefully that should improve for u over the next few days.

It's good that you recognise that you are struggling. You say you have perinatal support: what actual support do you have? It may be worth seeing your GP and talking through how you feel. My sister in law had bad PND but was too afraid to tell anyone. She found the PANDA support group really useful along with some medication. Having a baby is such a life changing experience for mums and it seems like your life will never been normal again but it will get easier I promise. Please reach out to people in real life and don't be too hard on yourself

@powkin I am lucky as I am single so no one else to worry about. But bed sharing saved me. So at least if babys awake I can spoon her and cuddle up so I am resting still. I find baby will be so much more content to self soothe if she can sense im close.

I have suffered with severe anixity since baby has been born. And it is so much more worse when im tired. But I find what little sleep I get is a better quality as I can see shes ok etc next to me. So I relax more.

But my little girl is a bit of a velcro baby too. I just keep telling myself its nice she wants me. And it will pass.

powkin I honestly didn't enjoy the first few weeks/months with DC1 but we bonded much better once he was a few months old. He just wouldn't tolerate being put down so was on me all day and night and I only slept a few hours before and after DH got home from work. I used to start counting down the hours from the moment he left for work until l could sleep again! Yes it's hell, and I know it's hard now but it will get better. Have you spoken to HV/GP to see if there is a cause for her being unsettled? DC1 had severe silent reflux and it wasn't obvious initially apart from constant crying and being unable to lay flat.

I don't think that some of the sleep schedules here are a reflection of what is 'normal'. At this age there is no normal, some babies are easier than others and it's nothing to do with how good a parent you are

@powkin you aren't doing anything wrong. Every baby is different (easy to say I know). I've found in the past that you hear a lot from those with sleep/feeding schedules because there's a lot to talk about and compare. You don't seem to hear as much from people who have no schedule (I'm one of these). Ds has been sleeping worse this last week. I've put it down to us being away but I'm not sure. The one thing that's helped is dh taking him until about 1am so I can sleep. Once he's fed he'll only go down for half an hour at a time unless I let him in bed with me at the moment. He will only nap on someone or in the car seat/pram/sling in the day. Also, dh can occasionally work from home and I often find those days harder than when he's in the office. It always sounds lovely to have them working from home but it's not always that great. Have you got others you can speak to irl for support and advice if you need it?

@powkin my DH had the first six weeks off and I have still been so frustrated by the lack of sleep that I've wanted to throw t hings. Most nights my LO just doesn't want to go down and I hold her for hours getting more and more frustrated. I try to be calm as I know I'm only making things worse but I just can't. I'm so grateful for the nights where I get two hours in a row (occasionally 2 lots of two hours! Such a treat). I dreaded the day DH went back to work as it meant he couldn't take LO in the morning. Don't worry you are not the only one struggling. (Also I may have downplayed how frustrated I am)

@powkin I've spent the last two days crying pretty much non stop and hugely regretting having a baby. I honestly feel like I am stupid to have decided to have one and I should have known I'd be a rubbish mum.

My poor husband is also pretty desperate (he loves baby unconditionally thankfully) and is going to contact a sleep trainer today. Really hope we can get some help as at the moment I just can't face life.

powkin and detachablehoof you're not alone, I don't think it's uncommon to feel that way. When DS1 was a tiny baby I was beside myself on several occasions - I didn't cope with the sleep deprivation, I hated breastfeeding, and so many times DH and I had the "what have we done/our life was so easy" conversations. But I can promise you it does get easier. All babies sleep enough - eventually. You learn to cope. And the responsibility becomes second nature. Also I can promise you the second baby (if you have one!) is a breeze in comparison!

My sister looked after my daughter for me today, we took her home late afternoon. I'd hoped that once I'd held her again I'd feel attached to her again - but nope. Nothing. Don't even feel like she's cute any more. Couldn't bear to even look at her really. Just keep crying and wishing someone could take her away. We've decamped to my parents house in the hope that I'll get a full night's sleep and my mum can help look after her during the night. My amazing husband has cancelled an important business trip he was supposed to be going on and will be with us tomorrow. Hoping I'll feel much better once I've slept and I'll at least feel a glimmer of interest / affection for my little girl?! What an absolute nightmare.

detachabkehoof have you been feeling like this since day 1? How old is your dd? It definitely might be worth seeing the GP again and being honest and upfront about how you're feeling. Motherhood is hard though, especially this early stage when they give very little back. It gets so much more rewarding. Twice this evening my DS aged 3 said "I love you mummy" completely unprompted. You'll get those moments too.

Hugs. Sorry you're feeling so rubbish and hope things improve soon.

detachablehoof sorry misspelt your name.

@Lookingforadvice123 thank you so much. My daughter is 9 weeks. I've been a bit up and down since she was born but mainly fine, certainly haven't ever felt like I don't want to see her. (until last week) I was so looking forward to spending time as a little family this Easter. Didn't imagine it would end up like this! 😭

Sorry to hear about those struggling with sleep / feeling low. These first weeks are so hard. DD2 is sleeping well - far better than her sister did but I remember the sense of overwhelming fear / sadness / odd thoughts well - DD2 didn’t sleep through till 15 months and woke frequently / only slept on me for the first year. But that’s normal sadly for a lot of babies. It’s so random as someone else has said, it’s not your fault. Please seek more support if you need it. There’s no shame in asking for help and I wish I’d had the confidence to ask first time round.

Sleep deprivation is horrible. I’m half vampire (don’t need much sleep generally) but DD1 pushed me to breaking point. It DOES get better. Some babies just need their mummies more in these early weeks - esp those that weren’t born at term x

@detachablehoof @powkin @DeliberatelyGinger how are you all doing today? Hoping things are a bit better for you all today

@maxiflump1 thanks for asking 😘
I had a full night's sleep and don't feel tired any more. However have still got absolutely zero interest in my baby. I'm seeing a doctor this afternoon, will see what they say...

Hope it goes OK xx

@detachablehoof good luck with the doctors. Be as honest as you can x

I really dislike spending time with my baby. I’d happily give him to anyone to gave s day off. It’s not ok... but it is fairly normal.

Don’t feel ashamed about feeling that way, it can be fixed.

@maxiflump1 thanks for asking. I got barely any sleep last night. 😞

@DeliberatelyGinger can you get someone to help you for a night so that you can catch up? Not good for you or baby to carry on utterly sleep deprived.

So... I have been to the Dr and she thinks I have PND. Will likely see a specialist this week and get some medication. I actually feel loads better for having had to be completely brutally honest about how I've been feeling. I'm staying with my parents for the next couple of days too. Everyone is so kind and supportive 😭 I feel like I should be doing so much more (am barely looking after my daughter - just playing with her or giving her a bottle when I can face it) but at the same time I feel v fragile and know it wouldn't take much to send me back into meltdown. So am trying to take it easy.

Really hope I can get back to normal soon. This morning I felt like the ONLY way I could be happy again would be to have the baby taken away... now I do feel like maybe I will like her again one day. Just hope it happens soon. Anyone with experience of PND, I'd be interested to know what treatment you had and how long it took you to feel better?