March 2016: the one where Indomitable gives birth...

[vroc81]

I hope I haven't duplicated a new March thread in my sleep deprived state.. Went to reply and found thread was full!..

Wow French would I be a major cause for concern we've been using formula whenever we have run out of expressed milk? Seems a bit silly.

Went to the local centre today to get some breast feeding help and it's closed for redecorating... I'm sure there's a massive conspiracy over me getting help with my breast feeding, I had a little cry in the car on the way to tesco. I've been feeling pretty crap with each failed attempt at breast feeding and each person that breezes in and says persevere and breezes out again is not helping and R is probably fed up of me crying on her at a feed a day, but have had a MW friend visit today who just reassured me that whatever works for us for a healthy mum and baby is fine..

Me sorry you've been having a crap time of it and glad you're feeling better.

Suz thanks for the arm tip you're right I'm always in a hurry to put her down at night and have done it too soon a couple of times although she seems to go floppy armed while still fairly awake, so will give it a go!

Scared sorry I posted at the same time, but wanted to let you know I hadn't ignored your post, you had such a hard time through pregnancy it's no surprise you might be finding it tough, hope the health visitor can give you some help.

My mum always told us years ago that it was so overwhelming with my older DSis she had to learn to love her and that it came over weeks as she learnt to do things.. I can sort of see her point, I do spend a lot of time worrying at the moment!

Scared it is totally normal to not bond with your baby straight away. I had quite a traumatic birth with DS1 and I didn't have any immediate rush of love but it did build and build over time. I remember telling DP that I thought DS didn't like me and was better with him; and I'd pass him across to anyone who visited as they could do it better than me. But it did get better and at some point I realised that my heart could just explode with love for him. Hang in there, it is still early days.

Its awful that you've reached out to professionals and they aren't helping. Have you any friends you can talk to about it?

thanks vroc.
I do worry a lot about her weight etc which i suppose shows I do care otherwise I just wouldnt care and I do. she just causes me so much anxiety.
during the day I try to just sit on the sofa and hold her/cuddle her but i just dont feel that "bond" people talk about.
hope your ok re the feeding. I dont breastfeed and dont know a lot about it so cant offer much but happy mum and baby is whats needed

rhu-
its nice to know how i feel is normal.
re the handing baby over f mil offers to feed her i jump to let them take her from me.

i dont have any friends i can talk to.
I just hope it gets better but I need help in the mean time because its not going to happen over night

Sympathy scared
I had a similar situation to Rhu, it was a very long, slow burn with DS1. I still find it difficult to gush on about how wonderful he is/ children are like you see others doing on Facebook. But I always get that after-bed-guilt, when I look at his sleeping and think what a horrible person I must be to be irritated by his darling ways. In reality he has been very high needs, we've done everything the best way we know how, we all share affection, etc. And I'm immensely proud of the human he is becoming (hardworking (this is where the stubbornness that we both clash via pays off!), very kind & sensitive etc).

I think this is normal and fine, and just not romanticised enough to be talked about, so people hide this kind of thing and go overboard on the online gushing, so we have a skewed perspective on parenting.

Give it time (and keep asking for help from the GP/HB etc), you're doing everything right.

*HV (autocorrect fail)

scared please don't beat yourself up!! I think its quite common to feel that way. Could you see a different gp, one that might be more helpful?

mrsben yup, the breastfeeding bit of the red book - we also got a 'cause for concern' for not always offering the second side which I don't feel is always necessary e.g after a decent feed where she unlatches and doesn't want to go back on. Just a daft form when she is gaining weight and we are both happy and healthy. I didn't even confess to occasional dummy use....

scared hope you get the help you are asking for and great you can be open here where so many have similar experiences. My NCT group has been a real help in airing concerns and getting feedback from those in a similar situation.

scared I know this doesn't make it easier but it is ridiculously common to feel that way, you are in no way to blame

I'm really shocked your GP has dismissed you, that's not on. You need to ask to see a different GP and be prepared to be a bit assertive. I know that's hard when you're feeling crap. Can you take oh along to be an advocate for you?

In terms of little things which may help with bonding, consider:

• massaging baby
• taking a bath with her
• skin to skin time

Thanks for all the flowers! I do feel that amongst a lot of my friends people present a happy picture of birth and the first few weeks and although I'm sure it is a breeze for the lucky few, it definitely wasn't for me and it feels quite cathartic to have written it all down and maybe it helps other people who might be struggling to see that they're not the only ones!

Whoever posted up thread about waitrose bottom butter, thanks for the tip and I am going to buy some next time we go. DS has really dry skin on his arms and legs though not anywhere else on his body. I have only been bathing him every few days and I massage baby oil into him afterwards but it keeps coming back! He gets very dry skin on his face too. I haven't been putting oil on his face because he's a bit spotty (milk spots) and I think oil would make it worse. Does anyone have any ideas? I think I will ask my health visitor when I have our six week check at the end of next week.

scared for you. If it helps, I didn't feel love for DS straight away either. It's only since I sorted out my own anxiety that I started to love him. Definitely speak to your HV and a different GP if you can. When my anxiety was at its worst I felt very similar to you, I didn't really feel like I loved him, and I felt jealous of DH for finding it all so straightforward. One tip I have heard is "fake it until you make it"! Just keep doing all the things you're already doing - look after her, cuddle her, try and talk to her lots, sing to her and make faces at her etc and eventually the love will come.

Hello all- coming on to echo what others have said to Scared. It is so normal to feel like this, I really think being a mum is the hardest job in the world but because it is portrayed as a woman's role we feel like it should be the easiest. It can take time to bond and it varies for different people. With ds we got along well to start with but a couple of months in I found it harder. Are you getting out and about, even if it's just for a walk around your local area? This always helped me because it got me fresh air and meant I wasn't stuck in the house focussing purely on my baby. I've been getting out most days with E too and it does make me feel good. Also can you try baby groups? I found them hard because it's meeting new people but if you find mum's you can click with and be honest about your experience of motherhood it's a god send. Like Me says some mothers talk about how wonderful it is and I would avoid them like the plague! We had one mum in our group who was on a running machine within a month so I avoided her because through no fault of her own she made me feel crappy about myself. I stuck with the friends who would say they hadn't slept and had the same desperate look in their eyes that I had.

Me I think you are so brave as well to come on and share how you felt. You sound like you have come through brilliantly.

Suz glad you are feeling better now, it sounds horrendous! Well done for doing the first day alone. Next week it's my turn so I'll be on here fretting and looking for encouragement.

I have to post now so I can check who I have missed. Back in a mo!

for both Me and scared. It sounds like you've been through a really rough time Me and I'm glad you're beginning to come out the other side.
scared- can only echo what others have said. It's completely normal to feel like this. I remember about a week after having DD1 saying to my DH that I couldn't look after her. We were still in hospital with her and I'd thought it through and told him that he could have her and look after her and I would look after our two cats. That was the level I could cope with, as a child was just too hard and I wasn't doing a good enough job anyway. I was completely serious at the time, and still remember the relief I felt in thinking that someone else could take over and look after her as I didn't feel I could ever manage it. Luckily those feelings passed, but please don't ever think you're alone with what you are going through, and I strongly think you should see a different GP and get whatever help you feel you need.

I'm feeling down myself tonight. DH is back at work tomorrow, and I'm feeling worried about having to cope with the two of them on my own. DD1 has also chosen the past day or so to really play up- her tantrums are something else! I'm struggling to know how best to deal with them. Anyone got any tips?
Coupled with that, I'm feeling a bit off. I haven't been able to express much in the past couple of days as have been busy, and am paying the price now- my boobs are sore, my supply is down and I'm feeling generally achy, crappy and emotional. DH was supposed to go out tonight but I kept bursting into tears so he's stayed in to help me with the kids instead. I'm really going to miss his presence when he's back at work tomorrow, he's been my rock these past couple of weeks

Vroc I wanted to say how crap about the clinic being closed and offer you

Indom fab job with the feeding and tiny weight loss!

I haven't seen that bit in the red book. In wondering if I have an older version? Not that I am bf anyway, was just interested as I'm sure if wasn't there with ds.

We've had a lovely first day at my parents. It's a small town so we walked to the local shops and my mum proudly showed off E to everyone she knew along the way. I even got a nap this afternoon and my Dad has just rocked her to sleep this afternoon. I'm being spoilt!

Charley The best advice I got about dealing with children who have got new siblings is 'lovebomb' them. Praise, praise and more praise for the tiniest thing - sitting nicely/picking up a toy/general being good/clever and it has really worked here.

DD's behaviour didn't change when Ds1 was born, but this time around I have found that DS1 (almost three) has had a few tantrums since Ted was born, even though he adores the baby and loves having him here. I have found that if I am tired and have less patience, his behaviour is difficult. If, like today, I keep saying how good/kind/helpful/wonderful he is every ten minutes, his behaviour is much better. It's not that we wouldn't usually say it, we are just laying it on really thick at the moment (and the same with DD, who has been a delight all the way though)!

As advised by the midwife, I've just fully expressed my left boob to try to clear the blockage. I've massaged it and used a warm compress. I've expressed a good amount, it's all empty, the backlog of milk seems to have gone down but there's still a lump there.

I'm now freaking out. (Brace yourself) What if it's cancer that didn't show up until my milk came in? It's about the size of a 50p right up about 5cm from my collar bone. I know that's unlikely, but obviously that's my first thought!

Thanks a lot for the advice Mrs- I can see how that would work. I have to say, DD1 has taken to Nella really well, considering she's was only 2 in December and so could really struggle to accept a new person, especially having to share me and DH with someone new. So far, she's been lovely (mostly!) with her, but I know myself how tired and irritable I've been and have been more short tempered than usual with DD1 because of it, so it makes sense that she's acting up because of that. I'll try the 'lovebomb' technique tomorrow with her and report back!

I did a risky Google: lumps from blocked ducts are typically round, smooth & movable. This one is round, definitely movable and smoothish. I feel a bit reassured!

I'd been amazed that I hadn't had the baby blues as my milk came in, but I think I've redirected the hormonal crazy here instead.

Indom glad Google helped. I'm sure it is nothing sinister. Totally get the worry though and hormones driving you crazy. I've spent the day monitoring what I think is a spot on E's top lip to see if it will be another strawberry birth mark- to go with the one I haven't even had confirmed as a strawberry birthmark I am a total loon somedays but to be fair have always been

Oh how I hate the night feeds

During the day when people ask I always think oh they're not that bad ... but when it actually comes to dragging myself out of bed, ugh it's tough.

My DM says I slept through the night from 7 weeks! I wonder if DS will magically inherit those good sleeping genes ..:

I'm with you Me. DS2 doesn't sleep at night any more. It's like he cluster feeds (and cluster poos) from midnight till 5/6am. He's got to the point where he cries to be fed but then pulls this face and shakes it side to side without seeming to want to latch on, then screams.

So I gave in and have given the dummy. So far it's mitigated the screaming but hasn't affected the sleep situation.

Yep me somehow in daylight it doesn't seem so bad when you say every three hours to someone until youre there at three am and it's taken over an hour for her to feed and go down and then I start pumping so there might be a small window of sleep dangled in front of me...

Up as well, taken an hour to feed and wind E. Then I put her down, went to the loo and came back to find her covered in sick. Full change of her and the bed sheets and now I don't want to go to sleep because I'm worried she'll do a huge puke again.

Night feed time...

Sadly I am moving over to formula feeding I really don't want to but I expressed last night for 45 mins and managed just over 1oz.

Martha faffs about on the boob, can feed for an hour and then still want a top up. We've been to the Bfeeding clinic every week and the midwife said that my supply was low and to keep going as it would get better. The problem is that she's 6 weeks old tomorrow and I can't fill her up so I've decided to keep expressing so she gets 1 bottle of expressed milk a day and formula for the rest of her feeds.

Feel a bit of a failure even though realistically I know I'm not.

Also up here, just fed E and realised she'd done a massive poo by the smell of it so DP has been despatched to change her nappy. Of course now she will be wide awake so will have to try to get her to sleep again.

I actually don't mind the night feeds so much but then I just feed her in bed so its less of a faff. Tonight she has only been spending 15 mins or so on the boob rather than 45mins-an hour so its meant more sleep even though she's done her usual of three night feeds. Expect it will all go to pot tomorrow though.

Weirdly though, she has also been completely fine in her cot tonight. Not sure why but I'm not complaining!