April 2015 thread 2 - ruling our lives and stealing our sleep, our babies are growing up already!

[PenguinPoser]

New thread for those of us left here

How are you today Monkeybabies? You don't have to wait until the next appointment if things are bad you need to phone for an emergency appointment. Please do keep talking to us if it helps.

Shiteforbrains I can't believe how advanced your ds is either! (Well I do believe you but you know what I mean!) dd is rolling and almost crawling but not there yet.

She's really not happy at the moment poor baby - think she's eaten something that disagreed with her as she keeps being sick and hasn't settled for bed at all. She was fine this morning. Fingers crossed it isn't going to be a long night.

I went to town yesterday and got her handprint on a bauble that's going to be made into a Christmas one with her name on etc, it should be ready to pick up next week. Today we have been visiting family which was nice. Where is the time going I feel like the weeks are flying past at the moment. Especially as I've sorted with work which days I'm going back after Christmas which makes it seem very real.

Hello if anyone is still here!

Monkeybabies how are you getting on? Please don't be afraid to talk about how you are feeling

I've had a busy day today so going to keep it quieter tomorrow and get things done in the house when dd (hopefully) naps!

Hi penguin I've had a busy couple of days as well so apart from baby massage tomorrow I've nothing else planned. I hope dd naps for you so you can get your jobs done.

monkeybabies111 are you ok? Don't feel like you are alone and can't talk to us, take care.

I echo what everyone else says Monkeybabiess111, we are all here for you and hope you're ok.

We spent Sunday morning getting the boys hair cut, dog walk and then most of the rest of the day with my family for my stepdads birthday. Today is my manic day, 8 children before school, drop 4 off, home then drop two at preschool at 12.30 then back at three with the two I've kept and collect 9 and one walks from the bus stop to mine, it's a very noisy couple of hours!

Love the idea of the bauble PenguinPoser

I don't want to annoy/burden anyone with my problems I feel like I'm being selfish always ranting I don't deserve people caring, I feel like I've let everyone down as everything is just so messed up and it's my fault.
I gave myself a scare at the weekend I found my self googling things I shouldn't - that doesn't make me sound crazy at all, I'm not thinking that way now but I'm really shaken up.
My brain won't stop I feel like I'm having a 24/7 panic attack that won't stop I can't sleep well even when dd is asleep( which is still very little), Dp now won't leave me alone and won't stop asking me how I am it's actually doing my head in more ironic giving the last few months.
This is calmest ive been since the weekend so I hope the adstarts working or it's the side effects wearing off either/or I don't care as long as it doesn't get bad again, 9 days until the gp having that to focus on gives me something to aim for as I don't want to bother them before then I feel like I'm never away from there.
Got a letter saying I missed a cpn appointment I didn't know about it as it's all been messed up so I'm waiting on this new one calling they said probably tomorrow.
Sorry if I'm not able to keep up with everyone at times I am trying to, I didn't want to post again as I feel stupid and embarrassed/ashamed about everything in my head and how messed up it is.
Plus it's a post natal group it's not the right place for whatever is wrong with me to happen.

Cinnamon 9 you really are super woman I struggle with 2.

Penguin I hope she naps tomorrow.

Wine I hope baby massage goes well.

monkeybabies111 you most certainly are not annoying anyone of us so don't worry about that. We are here for you even if it is over the internet I wish I was closer to you and I could give you a hug and say it will get better it honestly will. Somebody at the baby group I go to is having a tough time and she said she has to remember if today is rubbish tomorrow is a new day and a new start and her ds is fed, clothed and loved and that's all that matters I think she makes a good point so hang in there

cinnamon you made me feel tired just reading about your day

Night all, I've got square eyes DH and I have been on ikea website planning a new kitchen that will be fun having no kitchen and a baby!

Cinnamon I honestly don't know how you do it with that many mindees to juggle. I can't even get out of the house on time with one baby. You're like superwoman.

Monkeybabies you are most certainly not selfish and you do deserve people to care. I echo what I said earlier about getting an earlier GP appointment if things are getting worse. You are not bothering them or wasting their time. I know it's the illness making you think this way so it might be hard for you to believe but I promise that it's true. You're the only mummy your DC will ever have and things will get better with time. Are you managing to get any more sleep?

Good job I don't have many plans for today as it looks like it's not going to bother really getting light it's dull and dark and rainy! We're expecting a parcel delivery and might pop to the retail park as I have an order to pick up and something to exchange. I really must try not to go overboard for dd for Christmas as she doesn't really need much I just want it to be special for her first Christmas!

I know I'm there only mummy I feel selfish as I just wanted everything to end so I could sleep, I'm a coward anyway I don't think I could have went threw with anything that was coming up even when I wanted to.
I can't sleep much I've dosed most of the night, I keep seeing images of things that could happen I don't know what's going on, I just land up lying in the dark wishing my brain would stop.
I can't go to the gp I can't I don't want to go anywhere I just want to stay here in bed, I don't want to talk to anyone it's hard to I'm dreading the cpn calling as Dp wants me to say everything that's going on, I just wish I could sleep.
I'm going to stop I don't think I make much sense and there are lots of others who deserve support/to be cared about than me.
I hope you all have a good day.

Monkeybabies you are in such a dark place right now and I wish there was something we could do to help you you DO deserve support, help, to be cared about and everything else. Please do tell your CPN exactly how you are feeling because if you don't then they can't help you properly and as I said you DO deserve help and your children deserve you to get help as well. If you can't tell them please write it down or maybe show them some of your posts? Is DP or someone there to help you with the DC?

I got up Dp is here he made me get up and get ready, I'm sitting at the top of the stairs I want to crawl back into bed but I promised I would try stay up for a few hours.
He won't leave me alone, honestly don't worry about me I won't try I failed before and everyone hated me I don't need to let people down more it just gives them something else that I've disappointed them doing.
I'm going to fall asleep here no doubt I've taken the ad it's been helping me sleep for an hour or two when I take it the last couple of days I just wish I could go and stay in bed.

I don't know if the cpn will call it's 3, I slept for 3 hours earlier it's helped a little ( not much but a little).
I also managed to eat toast i can't really stomach anything else.
I've agreed with Dp if she doesn't phone and nothing changes overnight I will try get an appointment tomorrow I'm scared though, I get things are bad but I just don't know what anyone can do to help me it's not like I was normal in the first place there's others that need help more than me, they probably think there's that crazy women who just can't keep it together she needs to grow up( it's meant to get better with age right).
I don't know what to do all I want to do is disappear not many people in rl would notice anyway, I'm just really tired of being tired.
We also got the call that ds will be going to a special school I blame me for his autism if I had payed more attention realised quicker maybe I could if helped him along and giving him the chance of going to a mainstream school.

Did they call Monkeybabies? Please do see someone tomorrow if not. None of this is your fault. And there is nothing you could have done to prevent your ds getting asd. I know you're disappointed but his school will have all the support he needs for the best education and you never know in the future he might be able to go into mainstream - but there is no shame in him going to the appropriate school. My water babies classes are in a SEN school and the school looks amazing I can tell that the children have a great time there the walls are covered in their work.

No call, I'm sorry I didn't listen sooner, I'm still scared to call. I know I have to I just don't get how to explain it .
Dp and ds will be away all day i will need to go on my own I don't know how I am going to I can't even stay downstairs for to long, I keep going over how to get there in my head I feel like an idiot but I keep seeing things like us getting knocked down, the bus crashing or the one Dp laughs about trees falling down I know I do know the chances are slim but when I really think about going to put them and 101 other things are going threw my head, I'm lying in Bed and I'm scared to sleep incase Dp forgets to turn the boiler off (incase it blows up or Carbon monoxide posioning) or doesn't turn things off (electric fire) if dd chokes it ds wakes a we don't hear them the list goes on I want them to stop this is why I can't sleep I actually visually see them happening there scaring me and it's always bad things nothing's working at blocking them out- I really am messed up.

It seems I missed letters to words sorry I hope it half makes sense :/

Monkeybabiess111 you will get there as you need to and they will be able to help you. You do deserve help, you are not annoying anyone and you had nothing to do with your ds's autism just as I didn't cause mine to have a defective kidney even if I do have to keep telling myself that. No one will think your a crazy woman and if you can get across to them how you feel they will take you seriously and want to help you and things will get better

I need to sleep I can't nothing I'm doing is working, I've tried mindfulness meditation, mindfulness colouring, blasting music in my ears (drowned some thing out) but left me with a killer headache and sore ear, lying in the dark is making me think more.
I'm panicking I don't know why I am I just want it to stop for 1 night I want to sleep, Dp got dd at 10 and 12 and says if I get to sleep he will get her if and when she wakes again but I might just do it if I'm awake as he's knackered and away all day with ds, I want to scream, I wish I wasn't breastfeeding or on the ad so I could take a sleeping tablet to try and knock me out I feel so on edge tonight, I'm scared I'm going to make no sense tomorrow either that or I will fall asleep when I need to be up.
I wish I knew what was going on I don't get why this is happening.
Sorry this was a rant to me I just needed it out everything's so messed up.

That's a really good idea shiteforbrains. Please do consider it Monkeybabies. Even though I won't pretend to really know what you're going through, listening to the tv on low or something helps me sleep if I've got a lot on my mind.

I will, I'm at the Drs I want to run away its to busy it really doesn't feel safe I know that sounds crazy, I don't like crowds it's also with a Dr that I don't feel comfortable with, it's not going to go well I know it

Try and stay positive and give the dr a chance, may have been having a bad day last time. My mum has a phobia of crowds so not crazy at all.

Do you have an appointment coming up with your regular GP as well Monkeybabies? It's a shame you didn't get the one you wanted. I know it's hard to believe but things will get better. It's hard to think about mental illness as an illness sometimes but if you had a physical illness you wouldn't think that was your fault and mental illness is the same. You didn't ask for it - not your fault and you don't deserve it. What you do deserve is happiness and it will happen in time ad's are tricky things when you first start them but you're in the worst part now and it should improve from here.

I have a tired baby who needs a nap as she didn't get a good morning nap as we went out. Hopefully she will have one this afternoon. I've bought things to start making a Christmas cake and need to get th fruit prepared and soaking in the booze for the next 3 days!

She told me to cancel my one next week I have, and rebook for. 4 weeks I got one for 3 weeks 1 day as she says they won't expect to see a change maybe a slight change.
I'm feeling a little stoned right now like I did the first day I took the ad guessing that's as she's doubled the dose to 20mg :/
I don't feel ill just tired and I'm no good to be around or talk to.
I said I won't complain anymore I wish I believed it could get better I honestly don't see how I can last the next 24 hours never mind 28 days i don't want to drain everyone around me.

Penguin Christmas cake ?? It's October still isn't it, hope your dd sleeps.

Dd just went to sleep after I've tried all day and Dp and ds are about to come home in the next 15 minutes.

It seems like a long time Monkeybabiess111 but it will zip past, keep talking to us and your dp and make another appointment if you feel you need to, that's what they're there for. Also I don't know what you have in the way of clinics/hv but I'm sure if you told them how you've been feeling they would make sure you were seen by someone too.

Good luck with your cake PenguinPoser, my mum makes one every year, I've never tried. Wish I had more time to bake!

Tomorrow is weigh in and chat to dietician day, I have sneakily weighed him at home by holding him and then weighing myself and scales say he's 7.3Kg which is a 600g gain in two weeks if it's right.