March 2013- the one where plonk gets married!

[Gerrythetootallgiraffeswife]

Perilously close to filling the old thread suddenly!

trumpy my heart reaches out to your sister :( I am on holiday but checked in briefly and when I saw your messages I cried my eyes out for your sister, you and your family because it brings everything back so vividly. Please let me know if I can help in any way, if you want to ask about my experiences or what helped me etc (feel free to send me a pm if you prefer). In my thoughts tonight.

Rainbow I've been thinking of you a lot in the last 16 hours. How on earth you got through this is...amazing.

Was anyone able to help you and dh move through the darkness, or was it an entirely personal journey? I want to do as much as I can to help, but I don't know where to begin.

Morning. Just wanted to check in and give Trump a hug before another awful day where you will feel you have to try and hold it together for your dsis and bil.

I feel very lucky to 'know' the lovely lot of ladies on this thread. Such genuine messages of sorrow and support for 'one of our own' - your dsis has touched us all through you Trumpy. There's very little most of us can do (though lovely Rainbow and Betty may have more specific help to offer) except say that we're here if you need to vent. I'm sure I speak for all of is when I say that's ok.

I have a mad day so will check in again later.

Love to all of you and big squeezes to the toddles this morning.

Thinking of you and your sis this morning trump. to rainbow also. What a horrible event to live through. Hoping the delivery is as swift and painless as possible.

Morning lovely women. What a horrible time some of you have had. Sending lots of love to Betty, Rainbow and Trumpy.

Betty I hope your reading got read. Even if it didn't the sentiment was there. I hope it was a day where plenty of stories about your friend were shared and that you can all begin the next stage of your grief now.

Rainbow it's kind of you to share your experiences with Trumpy and her family but of course so painful. I'm so pleased (like Trumps sister has already suggested she might) you pressed on and now have your very dear daughter. It's good you're on holiday with your partner and dd.

Trumpy I slept fitfully so no idea how your night was. Your sister and you are in my thoughts and I hope you find the strength to continue being there for her. Have you been able to cancel work and be flexible and is dh taking over with ds where possible? As Wotta says, we're all around if you need us to listen

Rainbows kindness has really helped me this morning.

DH is on standby for all things DS. Several of his colleagues were at our wedding where DSis was a bridesmaid, so very prominent. They're all aware of the situation and prepared to be flexible this week so we can each be where we are needed. Thank god. Obviously I'm working for the family business anyway, and our main concern is DSis so flexibility goes without saying. I'm just waiting for my mum to get here and then we're driving over together. Dad has lent me his car indefinitely so that's a godsend.

Last I heard she was ok. Still not delivered but that's hopefully going to happen in the next few hours, then we can get her settled at home. She's dreading walking past her neighbours who are all so excited too.

Right must pull myself together. Mum went through this too when she was 23, so she's a wreck. Best try to eat something or take an ecoMuffin for the journey.

Betty I hope the service was a good one .

Could someone perhaps have a quiet word with the neighbours before anyone gets chance to put their foot in their mouth? I keep thinking about induction versus section, and both options seem really bloody shit. Have some more virtual .

trump if you and DH need anyone to look after DS if he needs to work and you need to be there, then we're here.

betty hope you're feeling ok after yesterday's service

I love this thread. You're all so wonderful.

I'm fine thanks everyone, it was a lovely send off.

Trumpy huge hugs this morning. I hope she delivers soon and gets a bit of time afterwards to start to process then you can all take her home and be there for what she needs. As Stormy suggested it might be a good idea to have a quiet word with a neighbour that can then let people know and maybe a couple of DSis's close friends and work colleagues. Lots of people say the hardest bit is telling people you're not that close to and don't want to have to let into your personal grief. Maybe have a word with her or her DH and see what they think?

Rainbow it's so kind of you to come on to share personal thoughts and feelings that are obviously so painful to help Trumpy and her family. Did you find the boards on here for loss of a baby helpful? Would it be useful for Trumpy to suggest those to her sis at a later date?

Lots of love to you and to all the rest of you. We really have got a lovely area of mumsnet here haven't we? One day we'll have to have a proper real life meet up!

trumpy it all depends on the type of person your sister is. I am very introverted and hated being around anybody except DH in those early days (actually months) and hated all attempts to get me to return to normal life and 'move on'. I needed to be by myself in bed and rage for as long as I needed. I couldn't faCE people and their pity for a long time. DH got the brunt of that but was amazing and it made us stronger. Having said that I loved giving birth to DD1 and it was an unexpectedly joyful event when she arrived and we got to be with her for a few precious hours. No one ever asked me my birth story from that first time and always avoids it in conversation and since becoming able to talk about it that makes sad because to me giving birth was the on thing I could ever do for dd1. So my advice is give your sister space but talk to her about her baby as you would any living child because I'm sure we can all agree our little ones were very much alive and present in the world during months of pregnancy. Leaving hospital without my baby and my milk coming in were the lowest points of my life - I wish I had known about milk donation to make me having that useless milk less painful. Seeing babies and pregnant women was unbearable until dd2 actually arrived. People avoiding me, loosing friends - its a really lonely time. I feels like it will never get better and it doesn't but you just cry less overtime. For me its important that those who know knowledge that I have two children - it was hard for me when dd2's arrival seemed to eclipse dd1's life in everyones eyes. I was also desperate to get pregnant asap afterwards which most people didn't understand.

You always blame yourself however illogical it may be and even now I need to vent and blame myself and talk about 'what ifs' which unfortunately I cant do with DH as it makes him feel terrible and I cant do that to him. I don't have a person I can rage with anymore if that makes sense.

Sorry if all disjointed - on a stupid touch screen that doesn't let me do justice to this :( thinking of you x

I forgot to add that the photos we took of our little one after birth are my most precious thing which I look at daily so that I never forget what she looked like because after the wonderful intensity of giving birth to her, my memories of the time we spent together are a bblurred.

I didn't want anyone else involved or attend her funeral because it made it too real. Dfil ignored this and went to her cremation which I actually find unbearable however illogically because now I can imagine it happening (my DH and I couldn't bring ourselves to go).

Thanks so much Rainbow.

I think they want to deliver in private and spend time with him afterwards on their own. It makes perfect sense to me. I can't bear to think of him leaving without a goodbye, so I'm glad they're taking the opportunity.

She's a very rational person and very tough. I hope she'll continue to be open with me but I'm not interested in forcing the issue. Thanks for explaining how important it is to acknowledge this baby whilst letting her (and her DP) take the emotional lead. I've no doubt that they'll have a baby at some point, but no idea when they'll feel ready.

Such a fine line to tread between space and support. Thanks again.

My mum lost my older brother at just 25mins old. She said the milk was hardest. Rock solid boobs, pretty much guaranteed mastitis and nothing to do about it. They told her not to express to make it go quicker but not sure that was perfect . Milk donation is a good idea for a suggestion Rainbow. I don't know how I'd feel about it.

Rainbow what a heartfelt post. I've been thinking of you, and Trumpy's sister almost constantly. I'm so so sorry for your losses.

In what seems like cruel timing I had my 20 week scan this morning, and shed a little tear for those going through such sorrow. My little one is fine, and healthy, for which I am very grateful. He is also a boy! Having got our heads round the idea of two girls this came as a big (but) lovely surprise. I have requested an induction on my due date, something I was always quite keen on given my age, but the recent tragedy here in our own little group has reinforced my fears. My consultant was very supportive, he believes I will go into labour naturally in good time, but understands why I don't wish to go over.

Oh worse that's so lovely to hear given all the sadness we're feeling for trumpy's sister. Congratulations to you!

trumpy and rainbow I've been thinking about you all so much. And I think Rainbow's post was lovely and sad all at once.

We're having a very lazy day given that we're all feeling a bit under the weather and I'm making sure to give DS lots of cuddles today.

Fucking hell.

Talk to us Trumpy if you get a moment. Where are you? Home yet? Lots of love to you

Sorry. Emotions. The lid keeps coming off. She's still labouring, they've started a drip.

Doli please celebrate your good news. A boy! How wonderful. I'm so pleased for you . I understand boys nappies are easier to change, and there's not much pink clothing involved, so that's nice.

On the M62 again. Two hours at least from home.

McDonalds is calling to me.

Respond then trump. Be embraced by the golden arches. Sorry it's still horrid. Keep going. Important work you're doing.

And yes, great news worse :-) That made me smile. Quite the surprise! What was dh reaction?

Burger and chips devoured with the eagerness of a devoury thing.

Can I just take a moment to say thank you to each and every one of you? The enduring love and support for my DSis, my family and I on this thread has been...well there are no words. It's a dark time for all of us, but there are small twinkling lights that will grow brighter with time.

It keeps hitting us in waves and still feels like a nightmare. DSis is doing so incredibly well, she is so brave. She even moaned at my mum to get out earlier because she was too much of a negative distraction. Rightly so, mum was struggling at that time (I think the wave was just cresting for her). DSis is so lucky to have DBIL, and I don't worry for them because they'll get through it together. I hope it's all done quickly now, she's so exhausted and they're having to give antibiotics on top of the numerous other drips.

Rainbow I passed on your message about using a pump if she feels the compulsion to nurse. She says thank you for making her aware that it might be an issue. And for all your other kind words.

Doli there is no way I would ever let my own future pregnancies go overdue now. A sensible precaution in light of events.

Trump the other thing to know is that if she doesn't want her milk coming in there's medication they can give her to decrease the production. It's likely they'll talk to her about that anyway but if it's something she's worried about it's worth knowing.

Rainbow I'm so glad you said about talking about the baby. I was lucky enough to have my bereavement training from an amazing midwife that had lost a son and spoke passionately about that. So many people have no idea what to say and don't want to make it more painful to people so just try and talk about other things and return to normal but whether your baby dies inside or outside the uterus you've still lost a loved child which needs to be acknowledged. Trumpy I think you're obviously so close as a family that you'll all be fine with this and your DSis is obviously still able to vocalise what she wants even at this awful time.

Rainbow your posts are so full of honesty and emotion and must be so helpful to Trumpy. If you want a vent or a rant or to talk about DD1 then this should be a place you can do it.

Trumpy we had a dirty McDs visit yesterday, in times of strife a Big Mac meal is the answer. I hope you're home safely soon!

Trumpy what Rainbow saud about photos - I saw an amazing blog by a photographer who visited a family after they lost a child and took some wonderful black and white shots of them all in a beautiful way, like you'd never know the true picture, iyswim. As you are such a good photographer I would suggest, if you can muster the strength, and if your DSis agrees, do it. None of you will regret it and maybe it's something you can do for her that no one else can? More unMN hugs

I saw that Any , it was beautiful.

Yep I saw it too Any and it was beautiful. I thought it was fantastic to have such lovely shots just as you would for any of your children.