December 2011 - the one where we do the Twist and Shout

[ifyourehoppyandyouknowit]

New thread.

these babies are nearly two and a half

Sorry for the triple post but I've been stewing over this all day (while trying to write a report). I am fuming.

Hop insist on a discussion tonight he's taking avoidance lessons from my DH tackle it head on before you erupt!!

Oh I'm going to. I feel a bit like I made the first step of admitting how bothered I was, and he made the right noises about talking about it, but thinks that's his part done now. Or maybe he just forgot?! Gah, I dunno. I psyched myself up to have a proper discussion about it and then...nothing.

Hope you get your discussion tonight Hop!

Any luck, hop?

Any news from kri5sty? Pompoms at the ready for tomorrow! ....

Oooh, good luck kri5ty!

Hope that you had the conversation hop, and that your DH was just having a brief wobbler. Even if you're a million miles from agreeing at the moment, the discussion needs to be started- he can't avoid the conversation, not if he's a grown up.

You've done very well to soldier on mopsy, I'd be curled up in bed moaning pathetically if that were me.

Had a busy day here, had to do the shopping and then make industrial numbers of brownies for DP's birthday/to take into his work. Sodding £25 the ingredients cost !!

Northern brownies are so expensive to make aren't they? Nigella's brownies are my failsafe but per batch there are 6 large eggs, a whole bag of sugar, nearly two blocks of butter, tons of chocolate (heart attack on a plate!) ... they cost a bomb.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, maybe you could choose not to want to talk about stopping taking contraception.
Good luck Kristy!!

We talked, he admitted he just doesn't want to have a second, that he's never going to change his mind. I honestly don't know what to do now.

Oh no hop. That's hard to hear. I don't know what to say except to send my sympathies

It's hard because his feelings are totally valid. I just don't know what to do. He asked if I wanted to leave and find someone new. But I don't, I don't just want a baby, I want to have another child with him.

God Hop your feelings are valid too, it doesnt matter why you want another just that you do. We are in the exact same boat, you want him to want the same as you not for you to have to throw away your family as it is in the vague chance you meet someone else. My DH doesnt want another at least he has agreed that we will have another if i insist i want it however then i am someone who would bring a child into the world knowing that one of us doesnt want it. It is a horrible dilemma.

What are his reasons? Would he really be willing to lose you over it?

How will you feel if you were told tomorrow you were infertile Hop? If the choice to have another kid was taken away from you would you stay & be happy with things as they are?

Would he have a vasectomy? If not, why?

Massive hugs, dh felt the same about having #3, we agreed to try for 3 months (knowing that ours took 10 & 7 months ttc) and then stop. Would he be willing to try something like that?

Hope you manae to work something out that suits both of you.

I'd be devastated Dr. He would have a vasectomy tomorrow. He just didn't enjoy having a baby, feels like it would ruin our family and he would never be able to do the fun things he wants with DS. I'm not going to split up with him either way, I just need to figure out a way to not be bitter and resentful if this is it. I've suggested we go to Relate if need be. I'm not ready to walk away, I love him, but I don't want to be ten years down the line and hating him.

Figster it's just shit isn't it I want him to want this. I don't want to emotionally blackmail him into it. He's upset to because he sees it as his job to try and make me happy and this is something that he just can't do. I want to stamp my foot and say that actually you can fix this. But that isn't fair. I'm trying to walk the line of making sure he understands how important this is to me, without pushing him to do it just because I want it.

Oh hop, you're in an awful situation. I'd push him. Blackmail. Whatever.
I think his fears are valid, but he's mainly thinking about the baby bit. But the baby bit is a very quick two years. Now look at the relationship he has with DS.
Plus it's different this time round. It's not just all about the baby, you still have DS. The dynamics are very different.
He may feel uneasy at first. But he'd love no 2 just as much as DS.

Ah mopsy, those are exactly the brownies I made, but a double quantity so £££££. They do taste wonderful though

Oh hop, that's so upsetting for you. I'm really sorry. I don't know how you are set in terms of age, finances, etc, but could you possibly leave it a year and then start to discuss it again? At a time when he sees how lovely #1 is, and has forgotten the grim baby bits?

I admire your perception though- you're looking at what can be done to stop you resenting him for this decision, as splitting up would help no-one. Ditto figster, though it at least sounds like your DH could/will be persuaded.

And the bloody awful thing is that you know, 95% certain, that seeing as they love the one they've currently got they would love #2. It's not like when someone doesn't want to be a parent and it's thrust upon them, they've got a DC that they love already.

My bloody irony is that DP, who didn't want children and had to be persuaded over a number of years, has now repeatedly apologised to me that we didn't start sooner as he loves kids and would have wanted a big family. You just can't win........

Sorry to hear DP's not up for it hop, it's so hard to know what to do. I had a "no more" from DH for a good 2 years after we'd had DD2, and was at the stage where we got rid of our baby stuff and was trying to come to terms with it. I guess all you can do is keep talking about things and make sure your relationship is as solid as it can be...

, I don't think it's one of those thugs it's fair to push the other one, as there's no middle group, so that you're both so passionate about your side isn't a great starting point for resolving it happily for everyone, would suggesting counselling or speaking about it more help, or push him away? How did he feel when you suggested relate?
I've been where you are and i found the broody cluckiness didn't go away, even when pregnant with ds2! I was resentful and irritated that other women had smaller age gaps etc (still am when i think about the school year/admissions etc, but over it really), but it never went away & speaking to old ladies I know that desire to have more/some children grows into sadness over a time. Example; There's a woman at our church in her 90s and he first thing she said to me was 'you're so lucky to have them, we couldn't and husband didn't want to adopt', she's lovely but it seems to be the centre of her world how lonely she is now husband has died (I know having kids wouldn't always help, but it seems to be her solution).

Is staying with him, having no more children more appealing than splitting and having more wih someone else?

If his argument is mostly about how rubbish babies are (I don't enjoy the baby stage), is adoption out of the question?

Massive hug to you & Figster. My dh was very anti 3, and only ttc for me, but now he's the excited one & I'm terrified!

£25! For brownies! Hope they're lovely. I'm usually a cookie or shortbread maker (hate cakes), so when I have to make something that costs a bit of money I'm always surprised and think 'I'll buy it from the bakery instead'

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend? We're having a child free night out, yay!

Apologies for essay, it's either write on here or parent

I don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable aboutthis, but I don't want to break up my family either. He isn't going to change his mind, forcing him will make us both unhappy long term. He agreed to counselling but said he wasn't going to change his mind. I think it would be a good idea because if we're staying together we need to find a way that means I'm happy too. I love DS and we do have a great future to look forward to, i'm choosing to stay so I need to figure out how I can be happy here, with one (brilliant) DS.

In other news, got measured for the new Windows today.

I had written a long post hop but damn phone ate it think the gist of it was you're a bigger person than me!! I think counselling is a great way to try and work through your feelings and how you might be able to live with that decision.

Oh hop that's so hard for you

I hope you are now home mopsy enjoying cuddles with MiniM and with a clear head

DD finally got some control back of her bowels on weds, is still needing to poo quite often but that's improving each day. Managed to start going out and about again and she's currently in technical rehearsal for wizard of oz show tomorrow. I really didn't think she would be able to perform this time last week, but I'm going to come along as a helper rather than audience member so can whisk her off to toilet if needs be. I won't see as much of the show but will buy the DVD anyway. Will be so proud of her!

I went to meet an old work friend and her two girls at a soft play place halfway between our two houses today, about an hour from home. Had a great time but then as I was leaving and clicking the kids in the car I saw a woman in car next to me get out if her car, throw an empty wine bottle in the bushes, get back in her car and open another, drinking it from the bottle whilst sitting in drivers seat reading her kindle. I popped back into soft play place and the people there called the police

Woah faffin, that's worrying.

I'm feeling strangely ok about it all now. I think the truth is that my desire for another baby doesn't out weigh my desire to be new married to DH and to keep our family together. There's a couple of things I want to do that would have to be (probably permanently) shelved if we have another so i'm going to start planning those. If he ever changes his mind then fine, but I can't live the rest of my life thinking it's going to happen.

So, where would you take a three year old skiing?!

Thanks faffin. Had lovely cuddles thus morning in bed and at bedtime and she came down twice after being put to bed for 'more cuddles mummy' She insisted on bringing her new sunhat to bed and I just went in and she is fast asleep with her hat on! So cute. Took a pic before taking it off again. It us v warm. Don't want her to overheat.

about drinking woman. Do you think she was going to drive home then?

Ah, that sounds so cute sleeping in her hat!

Pretty sure she would have driven. She was parked up on an industrial estate, in the drivers seat, nobody else in the car. The thought of her driving anywhere terrified me