October 2012... PELVIC FLOORS!

[Londonmrss]

Ready...
Steady...
And squeeze!

smiley I'm glad she's a bit better but that's so hard, I'm sorry. At least you know she will be with her daddy, a familiar face, all day. But still so tough [brew[

God smiley I really feel for you.... glad little one is a bit better but ughhh poor you... drunk lots of coffee... fingers crossed for a morning of UTIs, uncomplicated med reviews and pill checks!!

Thank you for writing to turnwest, Zara, lovely message.

Poor Livvy, can't believe you were abducted. Thank god for happy ending to story... My parents once lost me in Kathmandu for nearly 24 hours, I was 4 years old but they are just fucking careless like that

I am going to Baby Sensory today, bit worried I might have hysterics after last week's cardboard doves/Titanic montage

Hi, I m still here, I saw the messages on facebook and could nt believe people who dont even know me would take the trouble to contact me, thank you so much. I have been depressed for a while, started in pregnancy and its got better then worse then better but yesterday was a terrible day, I was so frightened and sad about the feelings of dislike I was having for my poor DS. I am going to the GP tomorrow and will ask for help, its not his fault. Sometimes I feel so frustrated though because he cries a lot in the day, wont go in his bouncy chair, hates the jumperoo, hates the bumbo and he s big, nearly 18 pounds, straining the legs of his 6-9 months babygrows and I m 5,2 and petite, my shoulders are killing me from carrying him around all day. Yesterday, he was screaming, would nt nap anywhere and my poor 5 yr old DD who is off school on half term wanted me too and I felt so awful because I feel like she is missing out at the moment, I dont get to spend the time with her that I used to and I miss her.

Anyway, even though I m sat here in tears writing this, today I do feel better, I m going to attempt the park with both of them later in the sunshine, and my mother in law is having DS tomorrow afternoon so hopefully things will pick up again. I just wish that DS would laugh or roll over or chat but he does nt, he is a very serious little boy. But he does smile sometimes, and he has started to lift his arms up to me whenever he is sat with his daddy and I pass by, the laughs will come.

Thankyou for everyones kind words, I ll be ok, I hope one day I can help someone else who is going through the dame thing.

smiley, that is just utterly sh1t. how did u get on with ur gp appt? congrats cherry!

turnwest, so relieved & happy to hear from u, glad u r still reading & feelong a bit better today. i hate it when dd wont be put down & is bored with everything at home, too. she is only a little un at a bit over 5kg, but too heavy to carry about & i cant do anything when i hold her. the council run baby groups r my saviour - free entertainment for dd! the smiles & laughs make all the hard work worthwhile, so it's extra tough & thankless without them. being a mum is like a sisterhood - u have no idea how tough it is until u do it, this board is a great source of support for all of us, even though we dont know each other. so happy to have heard from u

So glad to hear you're feeling a bit more positive turnwest. I cannot even begin to imagine dealing with 2 DCs so I think all of you doing this are absolute stars. It's great you are going to the GP and I'm sure having the mother in law round will help loads to ease the pressure. The sunshine is a great healer as well...oh and cake.

I've got a baby sensory taster session tomorrow... better get practising my poker face!

turnwest, I hope you're still reading. I read your post last night but have not been well and didn't want to write a rubbish reply so have waited until this morning. Firstly, when you put up a picture of you and your daughter on the Facebook group, my first thought was "what a beautiful family!". Secondly, I just want you to know that I think I can understand what you're feeling. I have been on the edges of pnd and I have issues with anger that often make me think I am not the best mum for dd and she and DH would be better off without me. And sometimes all I can do when she cries is go of into another room and have a shooting, punching the walls tantrum, then come back and cry with her. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I look at her and I don't see my little girl and I don't feel love for her, I just see this noisy thing, lying there and screaming even though her every need is provided for. Today is a day like that. I'm ill and exhausted and she won't sleep so she is awake more, needs constant interaction and I just don't have it in me today. I am just going to have to try not to be mean her and hang on in there until 6:30 when DH gets home. And I don't like her for making me feel like that. And I don't like myself for feeling like that, for having no sympathy for her. At times these, I think I have made a terrible mistake and should not have had her. These times are truly shit, worse than the sleepless nights (read back a few pages, God have I moaned about the sleepless nights), worse than her headstrong personality which means she sometimes will not sleep in the day. Worse than the fact that she won't take a bottle so I can't have a break even when I am feeling ill. But you know what? These times pass. They will pass for you too. And when they have passed (which happens more quickly if I can talk to someone, anyone - DH, my doctor, a couple, a friend, a stranger in the greengrocers (hell, who cares if they judge me, I'll never see them again), or the ladies on here), I remember that I do provide for her, I feed her, I take care of her, I play with her. Not all babies are lucky enough to have these basics so even if that is all I can do for her some days, I am still doing a good job and being a good mum. As are you! My dd is upset often because she wants to be able to do more than she can, or because she is feeling poorly (she has reflux, colds, bad wind, pain from jabs - poor mite), but both of these things will get better with time. She is beautiful (as are your children) and she puts all her trust in me because she instinctively knows I can take care of her. These are the things to remember, these are the important things. These are the things that will last - the bad feelings are just temporary, even though it doesn't feel like at the time.

I really hope you talk someone, I know it will make you feel so much better, and less alone. You are doing great and your children are lucky to have you xxx

turnwest, I cross posted with you! So very glad you're still reading and that you're feeling better x

relieved to hear from you turnwest. stay with us and have a nice day in the sun!

turnwest so glad you've posted again. You've gotta know you're not alone and we've all felt similar things :) There's been times I've been 100% positive that DS would be better off without me, that I am not the best thing for him. I know that's hormones speaking - because it's such an irrational thing to think. I've shouted at him, I've pulled his arm just that bit too much roughly, I've felt the bitter shame of all this. You are not alone and I'm really glad the fog has cleared enough for you to get some help, from your GP and from your family. We're not meant to raise children alone. We need a tribe and to reassure you, in addition to those you have in r/l, you have this October 2012 tribe around you xx

Oren, I like the description of us as a tribe.

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant. I joined this group around 12 weeks and since then you ladies have provided me with lots of support and lots of giggles. I look forward to continuing this journey with you. Thank you, friends.

Yay turnwest!! You have no idea how pleased I was to read your post. That is brilliant that you are going to the GP and will have MIL taking DS tomorrow. You are a champ, you really are. We're all rooting for you, love!

God, some days doing this mothering lark are really shit. But as Yomping says, if you are feeding, clothing and playing with them you are ahead of the curve. There are days when all I can see is me turning into my mother and then DS never wanting to see me ever again, just like my family. In fact I worry about that most days for at least a few moments! You have just got to get your backside out the house (like you'e doing today!), have a cup of tea, call a friend, rant to us, whatever. Take your mind off those shitty feelings.

Also I have a big boy too and my thumbs are constantly having sharp pains run down them. I've found holding DS frontwards on the diagonal often helps because then I can hold him with my whole hands, if that makes sense.

And if your DS is crying inconsolably, and your DD needs you - well, there's not a thing wrong with plonking DS in his cot for 5 minutes while he cries. Or stick DD in front of the telly, or give her some sweets, whatever works to get you 5-10 minutes. Nothing at all wrong with that. You are one woman. You do what you have to do! Most nights DS howls blue murder on his play mat while I run around for 20 mins getting his bits ready for bath and bed etc. DMIL (who is about as close as you can get to a breezy lentil-weaving mother who had no problems with her kids) told me she used to regularly pour frozen peas on the tray of DSIL's high chair for her to play with so she could get half an hour with my DH!! I told her she was just doing BLW, she just didn't know it

Anyway, the point is that you are here and we are listening. So are your family. So is your GP.

Great to hear from you turnwest, thanks for posting again and letting us know how you are getting on. I'm glad your mil is going to help you out. It's a great idea to get outside in the sun. You sound like a great mum who is trying to do her best for both DCs. I'm having one of those days where ds will not stop crying and it makes me amazed at how any of you cope with two.

livvy and squid I am at your stories! We joke in my family that I always went missing as a child but in reality the worst time was getting lost in a ski resort for 3 hours. A nice Swiss man found me and took me back to his family house and gave me hot chocolate. Not exactly as dramatic as being found hidden in a caravan?!

So in the last week I have bumped the car (not serious but car damaged) and fallen off a chairlift in front of about 200 people (again, nothing hurt except my pride). Think I really need to get more sleep

My mum once lost me in Sainsbury's for about 10 minutes. I was 4. I still haven't forgiven her.

She found me in the vegetable section.

turnwest god I'm so pleased to hear from you. I'm so so so sorry you're struggling so badly. I've been in a similar position to you, and I remember the blackness and despair so clearly. you have to know it will get better. you won't feel like this forever. and seeing your GP is such an important first step, well done you. don't be afraid when you go, if they're any good at all they will be nothing but sympathetic and supportive.

it is so hard having a baby who won't be put down and doesn't give much back. I second the other poster (sorry on phone, can't remember who ) who said to put ds in his cot to cry for a few mins while you have a bit of a cuddle with dd. I am forced to do that every now and then, and it's not ideal but ds2 is fine! healthy, happy and thriving. and I bet both your children are too, and it's only you suffering. if you can take a step back and really look, you'll see they are perfect children who are having all their needs met by their amazing mother in spite of the way you feel. you are doing brilliantly. and you're definitely not the only one who feels inadequate! god being a parent is quite possibly the hardest thing anyone can ever do. but hold on to hope - remember how things got easier with your dd - they will with ds too.

so many hugs for you xxx

x-post London - you could at least,'ve made a dash for the sweets!

oh I forgot - tried ds2 in the ergo again yesterday. he didn't cry and it blew my mind - so comfortable I was barely aware I was carrying him. highly recommended!

So glad you came back Turnwest, and that things seem a bit clearer today. It's great you're going to the doctor, that's a big step.
Enjoy the sunshine today!

I love the idea of our tribe too Oren, wish you'd do a bit more sweeping in my hut though.

You do make me laugh, London, you nobber.

What were you doing for all that time you were missing Squid?!

I like the Ergo too Crazy, when I get it right. One day I put it on and it feels great, then another day it feels like my spine's being crushed or DS is too high/low/slumped, even though I'm sure I've done everything the same.

Turnwest I am so v v glad that firstly you faced your fears and posted here. That was perhaps the first step? And we'll done on going to see GP. You are bloody brilliant. There is light, we ALL promise. Don't be a stranger, rant, cry and curse on here as much as you need to.

So pleased to see you posting

X x x

I am absolutely knackered. Sunshine may induce serious walking for me. But who am I kidding?? On 3 hr max sleep blocks.

Sigh.

And he is getting cranky. Too nice to shush him up and down hall. Out again.

Yawn.