November 2012 - Vent, chat or brag

[StuntNun]

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/1668060-November-2012-Dont-forget-the-tummy-time

Stats list: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/1485512-November-2012-Stats-List

So.... where to begin.

It was just over 4.5hrs since I started last feed so I guess that's not too bad for Mr I'm-going-to-start-getting-grumpy-if-I-don't-have-a-boob-in-my-mouth-every-2-hrs!!

Unfortunately his 'solution' was to phone round DM & DMIL, starring implying I wasn't 'coping' & might have PND & try to organise babysitters, which kinda missed the point...

DH & I have had the same conversation since probably August. I had to almost beg him not to do hockey training & stay home with DD whilst I did my pg 'yoga' class. I haven't had a hobby since I had DD unless you count poo checking as I gave up being a hockey GK from the beg of the season when I was pg, primarily to save the team from losing their GK a few wks in when my pelvic guard no longer protected my pelvic area sufficiently iyswim.

I feel like I've got no life, other than the dc, I've made tons of sacrifices, that I want him to just put me (& the dc) first for a change. Hockey is often put above all else. It is the reason we never do anything at the weekend. It's the reason we never go on holiday/away at weekends during the season.

After DD, he was pretty good but late April is off season, so it wasn't until 4.5mths that he went back & by that time, I felt things were easier at home, plus I could take DD along & watch, catch up with mates.

I essentially wanted him to offer &/or come to the conclusion that he should quit hockey for the last half of this season. I wanted him to want to do that, & feel like I mattered. It really hurt my feelings that I had to persuade him to not play when A was 6do & he was back the following wk, despite DS being ill with a cold.

I was becoming resentful of the time he was allocating to hockey and the fact he was not just Dad & H all day every day - he's out 6 days a week (5 at work admittedly) being HIM. I love my DC dearly but sometimes its so hard & so dull being with them.Spring babies are def easier, when you can just go for a walk w/out the hassle of layers etc + the goddamn snow!! I find it too much hard work going to the club with both DC to go to every home match, its been too cold to stand around at away matches, esp if DS wants feeding, & DD needs constant watching/entertaining in her 2yo toddler way. I don't want to be at hockey every Sat with him & he always takes our 1 car, so I'm stuck.

So we reached a stalemate tonight after about 2hrs discussion. I want him to willingly quit hockey, he doesn't. He eventually says he will but in such an arsey way that's its the hollowest of hollow 'victories' & I figure he'll just resent me. And resentment, whether me of him or vice versa, will just rot our marriage.

That's when he packed & left, because nothing he "said or did was good enough". He obviously was persuaded to return stop sulking by his step-F (& his DM on the phone) & came back.

So. My DM & DMIL both think he puts too much importance on hockey. So do I. However, I don't want to resentment to be the termites eating away at our marriage until it suddenly crumbles away to nothing. So his suggestion that he do compressed hrs & spend an extra day at home & still play fucking hockey is going to be trailed for 2-3wks.

It doesn't solve the prob of not having the car at weekends, or of hockey being so goddamn essential, or of me not having a life, or of him going away TWICE in April with work's hockey (after the normal hockey season you see), or of me feeling like I'm doing all the sacrifices. BUT without 1 of us giving a little, we were at an impass and no-one was happy.

I don't think I expected having #2 to be this emotionally challenging, after 'sailing' through having #1. It has added fuel to the fire I suspect of this situation & I feel left alone in the quagmire of parental guilt!! He has always, always played hockey, its not new. I suspect most young & sport playing men would think IWBU to expect him to stop, but most new Mums would say YANBU!!!

I'm not 100% happy that having a 2nd DC hasn't impacted on his life as much as mine. I thought I'd got my head around that disparity after DD. That feeling & resentment was unexpected this time too. However, something had to give of we're to resolve this. Perhaps I've compromised too much, but if him being at home an extra day doesn't help, I guess I can say "quit hockey like you said in the most petulant way " whilst not dismissing his ideas, so he can't say "I was willing to... blah blah blah".

It does seem he was better after DD, far more caring of me etc. But I do remember us having some HUGE rows when she was a few weeks, so perhaps the memories are now that lovely soft focus/rose-tinted affair!!

Anyway. Thanks for the support & generally 'being there'. Sorry for the epic post/self-absorbed essay. It's helped me to clarify things a little too. I'm off to find me a hobby

fatima it seems DH/P develop a fascination with sleeping through after dc. That is, their sleeping through regardless. Not sure why, probably evolution or something. But it sucks big time.

comrade ah bless your DD. And poor you!! Had similar upset when I took DD to the library to find they were closing for lunch...

Katie re sleep obsessing comments. Long story short, our thread got 'dissed' by other MN-ers after the jokey title of a previous thread was "are they sleeping through yet?" It riled people on here & made us all go a bit Mama-bear in defence...

Sprinkling sleep dust to all Nov babies & Mummies. Daddies can go suck it, although with the exception of Mr Pidjin

detective could that fussing me growth spurt behaviour? DS was doing that earlier despite rejecting the dummy, so he clearly wanted food not sleep iyswim. Perhaps leave changing teats until he's got past this spurt & 'back to normal'?

J has a temp again but does not seem distressed by it. He had gone nearly 36 hours without one so slightly concerned. Very stuffed up but shifted loads with drops. Feeding well now. His voice is stronger each time he wakes. I was having a lovely dream about setting up a business and woke with a start.

Reading the Universal Credit thread with interest.

PP sadly there will be bad practice in some or most nurseries. I think a lot depends on the managers and obviously the individual carers. I do have times when DD is caked in dried on poo or has a sore bottom because her nappy has been neglected, but every moment I am there I am watching and listening. I also take my time when possible to lurk until she is settled. I also always check her over when I get her home and assess her mood etc. Any good mother would. I am confident that she loves going there, and most of the staff seem to genuinely care about their little charges. I know some other mums too which helps. Nobody will ever look after my kids as well as me though, and I would love to be home more.

Chicken actually it's completely reasonable to expect him not to fuck off for an entire day to play games - and sports fanatic Mr Pidj would agree with that, we've discussed it in relation to other threads before. Why do matches take up a whole day? Because he socialises afterwards. I say it's fine to play hockey but he should only be out for the duration of the match+travelling time. More is rude and unacceptable

chunky hugs x too tired to say anything constructive x

Morning all. Chunky it sounds as if he's focussing on his hockey as an excuse to try and ignore the fact that life just gt harder. He is making you feel bad to stop himself feelingbad at how crappily he is coping.

Good night here despite toddlerfeet in the small of my back giving me the odd dig.

Settled at midnight (I knew last night was a fluke!) and then up at 3, 5.30, and now. So a normal night really. I had a friend round yesterday who's DS is a week or so younger than N. Asked her what time he settled at night - 6.30! The mistake I made was asking

chunky At least he is back and talking. Hopefully the compressed hours will work. Make sure you get out somewhere yourself every week, even if it's to sit in a cafe with a book. A hobby to replace your hockey would be even better, though hopefully you can get back into that later on. Does he appreciate the fact that you've given it up completely when he's not even prepared to cut back a bit?

Thanks all.

Pidjin he doesn't always socialise but when you take into account warm up time & travelling quite a distance, he can be leaving at 9 and not getting back until 3. Our closest match was technically an away match and he probably would have left the house at about 10.15/30 for an 11.45 match and then still probably wouldn't be back until 2 at least. Although its not that long, it wrecks the day really :(

PR that's what my DM wondered. Not much I can do about though!

kirrin Hopefully. As for seeing that I've quit, he has the complete certainty of those feeling wronged - he wants me to go back to play & whatever argument I give about having tried that when DD was small & it failed because of match clashes, babysitting issues & only having 1 car. He forgets he never once said he wouldn't play so I could (or if he did, it was after a row!) and has a million reasons for why missing matches, cutting back etc is a BIG DEAL. It is so frustrating because he argues round & round in circles, coming up with opposition to your points every time, some of which seem to contradict earlier arguments, but he can explain/justify that too. It's maddening.

Glad your night was a reasonable one PR & yes, kirrin never, EVER ask that question!!

VQ thanks for the hugs & glad J seems to be on the mend, although if his temp goes up again, maybe take him to the GP as we were told that fluctuation can be a sign of a bacterial infection (viral temps go up at beg of infection but come down & stay down apparently) although that could be clobbers.

Manchild broke his tooth on the boat last night. This is the second time in a year he's done it, despite actually having really good teeth . M and I have scored a day out in the big city and a wander round the national museum out of it though today.

Brag: She slept 11 - 7!! Amazing! Especially because she was in growth spurt hell last time I had her on my own overnight... I'm enjoying it while it lasts which it invariably won't

Chunky hugs hugs and more hugs.

VQ hope J is better soon. Sending you 6 hours sleep.

Detective LO is doing that too a bit. He too will only eat exactly when he wants to. I wonder if its another growth spurt? He was awake at 3.15 crying for 20mins for no reason I could find and then went to sleep. He would have done 7-12, 12.15-6 if there wasn't the 3.15 crying.

Off to docs to try sort out LO thrush in his mouth...again :(

6 hours last night :) and I think I actually got 5 instead of waking every hour or by dh sleep talking. I was very close to trying some formula to sleep last night was getting very close to trying a formula night feed ... was with cluster feed since 7.30 and was 12 ... but bf Nazi at bf support would have not approved.
discussed with hv re formula night feed she said give it a go.
I asked bf Nazi at mummies group gosh some of them are quite militant and it doesn't give me much hope her 2 yo dd still sleeps in same bed but in no way sleeps through. why does it seem there is no middle ground with this?
Met a RL mummy though who I really enjoyed chatting to she had to go to formula - long story - and we were discussing how its not fair.
bf Nazi that looked like I had insulted her when I said I was thinking about a formula night feed gave me homework...womanly art of breastfeeding to read.

Chunky - hugs. We don't have a hockey issue but dh loves squash. I've restricted him to playing three or four times a week. That includes training. He's also got a football season tickets which takes a day out. When I go back to work I expect to be able to ride three or four times a week. In fact I expect to be riding more in a couple of weeks with the lighter nights!! It's not healthy to feel as you do. Can you start running or something?

Detective - take the car. You will not need to buy a new car which will be money saved. Your cars are constantly breaking. You say you were buying when you went back to work I assume you were doing hire purchase? If so, put that money aside for a newer car at some point. Ford are generally good cars.

Vq - hope he gets better

Pijin - glad dh is able to help. I'd go for the job!!

Ive got a kit day. Course in London next month!!

Oh not moved up to size threes yet. He's 14 weeks. Seems happy ATM.

I would tend to agree with your bfing Nazi Zcos. You're nearly at the point where it all becomes easy: feeds take a few minutes and the cluster feeding stops. Once you reach that point bfing is no effort and all the crap you went through to get there suddenly seems worth it. I supplemented with formula from four months with DS1 but didn't need to with DS2 and it was definitely much easier to ebf. Having said that if you do decide to give formula for the night feed then you can cheerfully wave goodbye to expressing and give formula when you're out. In the end do what suits you and your baby the best.

Sorry to hear about your DH being an arse Chunky.

zcos if you want to try formula do it BUT it isn't always the simple fix. I have known people do it & baby still doesn't sleep until baby is good & ready!! Plus it costs & adds extra hassle. How old is your LO?

I think we've hit the 4 month sleep regression. We've had a good run - he's pretty much slept through / or at worst only had one night feed since we got his reflux meds at 7 weeks - so I can't complain but f*ck me sleep deprivation is a total bitch!!!!! Sympathies to those suffering this torture long term.

We've had sleep tailing off for nearly a week and the last three nights have been dreadful - consistently awake between 3 and 6 am - call me picky but those hours are probably my favourite to be asleep I'm going to reswaddle tonight but I think we're just going to have to roll with this for another week or so.

DH is being wonderfully selfless and splitting the night shift despite working full time. He is the kindest person I know (the reason I married him after wasting my early twenties on selfish twunts - they never change BTW and the resentment drove me mad!) and is making this bearable (and also bringing fish and chips for tea) - fingers crossed this passes quickly.

Georgee would you be up for the haggis baby meet up? Any others?

chunky I really feel your pain. DH's beloved hockey thankfully only involves training once a week and matches are played tournament style once a month with several games on one day, so even though he's gone all day, it isn't every week. He's stopped going to the pub after training since DS was born. He's also turned down a 2 day tournament which would have involved an overnight stay.

Although his passion and commitment never waiver, he has at least had the grace to appreciate that some adjustment ought to be made. Not sure I can offer any advice, given my way of dealing with conflict with DH involves having a tantrum until he comes around to my way of thinking I stay away from the relationships board for fear of being labeled an emotional abuser. However, from someone with similar (but less severe) issues, just don't let him make you feel like you're being unreasonable. You're not, and other chaps in he same situation can and do make adjustments, even when they really would prefer not to.

Zcos - I think thread is reasonable proof that some babies sleep and some don't regardless of how they are fed. If you don't enjoy bf though there is no harm in ff.

I desperately wanted to bf. Spoke to and saw numerous specialists. He wasn't having any of it!! I never even got to try!! The guilt I felt was enormous far greater than I ever thought id feel. But looking back at what I was told by these people was it was pretty much not going to happen. I just heard what I wanted to hear (which was it could and seeing specialists would make it happen). I have training of how to deal with patients like me!!

You have to do what you feel comfortable with.

I wish this snot would do one. Managed to get M up and dressed, she had a huge snotty poo so that's out of the way. Sat down to feed before doctors, she's fed for 5 mins then spewed everywhere. It's all the snot that's settled on her tummy. So now she's having more boob and needs another outfit chane and we have to leave the house in 15 minutes

And thanks to DHs snoring got a total of 3 hours sleep

Thanks horsey & stunt.

I would love to do something more physical but I hate running. I liked hockey because as an out-fielder I got loads of exercise & de-stressed, plus it was a team activity, so felt more worthwhile & necessary. I used to go to the gym before I was pg with DD but had to stop to save money.

Unfortunately both time & finances are tight so I can't take up anything expensive!! Plus I haven't even had a chance to get fitted for a feeding bra, let alone a sports one...

Apparently there's a book club my DMIL's friend goes to close by & there's exercise classes at the local leisure centre in the evenings, so I'll have to look into doing 1 or both of those.

Thanks madam. I do appreciate how much he wants to play - I would too!! But its exactly that - he has made incredibly few adjustments, which is made worse by him being the one who wanted kids in the first place!! And yes, I too tantrum then calmly talking then persuasive argument then tantrum all over again. I honestly didn't think he was this self-centered. Perhaps we were both as self-centered at one point but I had to change?

Are we talking about ice hockey?

Yellow - interesting, we've been having that. 1.30 wake ups when we've just never had it since about 3 weeks!! He's been. 3-4 am waker. Then some night awake hourly? Wondered what it was. Our two are a similar age?

Chunky - just find something you can enjoy :) book club sounds good. Or wine tasting or cookery.