Sept 08- The threenagers have arrived - Advanced negotiating and crowd control skills required

[DebiTheScot]

Sorry Meglet if you wanted to start the thread with your title but I thought I'd best do it while there was still one space to post the link to this one on the last one.

Gelli Baff - bleugh

Cake was a fab hit!
Made the icing and the pink marzipan last night, cake this morning. Ds wandered in and asked what I was doing - I said I was making his pink birthday cake. At which point his little face lit up and he said with the most fervour I've ever heard, "Oh, THANK YOU MUMMY!" And then asked for a beater to lick, which I said he could have once the cake was in the oven. "WOW!"
Pure happiness at only 9am...

He was incredibly impressed with the surprise appearance by Numberjack 3 on it (it's very lucky that artistic standards aren't high...), and he and dn decorated it with lots of sugar elephants - which I then moved so you could still see the number.

Also very lucky that only the neighbours came, as despite attempts to schedule to avoid when he might nap, he immediately conked out! So neighbour and dn had lunch and played until we managed to rouse A with the magic CAKE word two hours later! All of them were most impressed by the pinkness of the cake. :)
Add a Thomas birthday card and a pad of dinosaur stickers and you have a very happy child!

I suspect the minimal amount of sharing required with only two child guests pleased him no end! Can't believe he's 3 already...

Saw MW the other day - squirmy2 has a good heartbeat. :) But have been ordered to the GP to discuss better painkillers, appropriate antidepressants, and time off work, and to go back to the MW if the GP isn't 100% helpful.

star I had to google Gelli Baff. It's as gross as I suspected it was.

nc yay for pink cake! Pleased your DS had a nice party.

sigh...advice anyone???

Toby does not want to go to nursery...so much so that this morning he was so distressed he was sick everywhere when we arrived

Brought him home (obv) but dont really know where to go from here tbh...he was only down to do 2 mornings a week but I feel like I have failed (yet) another parenting test...

All the other children were happily going in and playing and toby is hysterical and he and I are both covered in sick

He seems fine now - indeed was fine as soon as I said we were going home -but he was genuinely distressed (had been crying on and off since 8am about going) and ds1 was also a bit this morning as swimming starts again today (he doesnt really enjoy the school lessons)

He does seem a bit tired but he had a late night (dont know why but he didnt go to sleep til nearly 10pm)

So very fed up of everything being such a struggle. Maybe dh is right and he isnt ready?

Oh Becaroo I am so sorry about Toby. I know with experience that it is hideous when they get distressed.
I can't offer any advice as C has been in private nursery 3 days a week since she was 10 months old, so now if we get the odd wobble, I trust the nursery staff to support her, but just wanted to say I know how you feel and that C even now is not the sort of child who will just run into nursery and get stuck in - emotionally she needs time to settle and is no way ready for pre-school nursery.

If this were me and you can do this (don't know your set-up at home), i would keep him at home for a while longer and have a chat to nursery about their solutions. Perhaps a few weeks break while you talk and read to him about all the good times he'll have at nursery, then try again with plenty of settling in visits.
May be crap advice but my heart goes out to you.

On a brighter note, DP has earned himself serious brownie points by offering to fund an independent midwife. We interviewed one yesterday and whilst we will now be seriously skint for a while, I was getting so upset at NHS policies and I could see my homebirth slipping away from me, it is such a postive step. She is lovely and will work with me to achieve my home VBAC. She will also contact all the medical staff to let them know and I need to nothing except grow the baby, have all my remaining antenatal appointments at home and have a cuppa with her.
Soooooo much happier. She even said that it's my home and she's a guest so if we want C to be at the birth, no problem :)
(Not sure about that tbh, but nice to have the choice)

Btw, am I missing something? Gelli Baff seems to be gloop you add to the bath that then dissolves once the kids have played in it? A bit yucky bit nothing really bad? Or am I being naieve (sp?)?!

mrsa thank you for your kind words

Feel such a crap mum atm - now both my dc have been horrendous to settle at nursery.....what have I done wrong?? I see all the other dc running in and happy and and the pitying glances from the other parents....Oh, and because he was sick all over the floor they had to shut the main door and open the side door so it caused some issues and I got a couple of "glares" as I took him home

Oh, and ds1 doesnt need an op on his hernia after all...he is just constipated (according to paed we saw last week) So, my son nearly had an uneccessary op because I am an idiot. Trying to make changes to his diet but with his sen its not going well

Such great news about the MW!!!! If we could have afforded it I would def have done it! Now you can just relax and chill out...did you see that piece on the BBC news about the new way of taking BP??? BMC are basically saying that having to go the the docs/nurse/wait around etc make BPs unreliable and they are hoping to use a machine and take BP measurements over a 12 hour period! Duh!!! Any pg woman could tell you a MW appt is guaranteed to make her BP soar!

Hopefully it will mean less uneccessary meds being given out and less pg woman worried for no reason.

My PIL are on hols this week (they are my main childcare) and there is so much to do...ironing up to the ceiling, shopping to do....sigh. Now Toby isnt at nursery no time to do it all....god, I'm fed up.

Bec ignore the glares or glare back. You can't help him being sick and it is nothing you have done to make him dislike nursery. My dsis hated nursery and would scream at my mum at going in time. i agree that once he has been there a while he will get to know staff and thee will be 1 which will be great at settling him in. Plus if you don't want him to go could he stay at home with you for an extra half term?

Don't stress about ds1 either. We had loads of different opinions about ds after he got diagnosed and they were often widely different. You wait till you get 'oh that's just his autism, we can't do anything about that' Pisses me off no end.

Mrsa great news about your mw. I was lucky that I had nice mw's when I delivered, did have a couple of not so nice ones during labour. Itr would of been lovely though to have met them before labour and to discuss birth plans and stuff.

debs Thank you. Feeling very low today Not helped by my (mad as a box of frogs) aunt telling me that the reason Toby doesnt like nursery is that "he is too happy at home" and glaring at me like I am an evil mother

Need to have a talk with dh about it all really but he is pissed off with me as he thinks he is too young. sigh. Getting everything wrong lately!

Ds1 is being assessed by the EP on thursday

Don't be so hard on yourself Bec. You seem to be taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault or are out of your control.

Shame on those glaring mothers. The tables will turn at some point, believe me.

So what if T is too happy at home? That is a reflection on your wonderful parenting. He likes being home and that is the place he is happiest.

Some children just aren't ready for pre school, there is no shame in it. Speak to the staff and see what strategies they have. They will have seen it all before. If you really don't think T is ready, defer for a term or so.

Speak to dh and start the conversation by saying 'please don't say I told you so...'

Great news about the IM MrsA. I have neve regretted using IM's with ds2 & 3. The quality of care is phenomenal and the self esteem boost they give you is amazing. It is great to have someone who believes you can birth your own baby.

Becs surely it's good that he's happy at home.

Does he need to go to Nursery for your work? Sorry - just seen the bit about your PIL. Do you tghink it would be easier if they took him?

Could you find a childminder that might seem to be a bit more like home and then work up to nursery?

MrsA that's great and the best possible thing for your BP too!!

Oh and Gelli Baff - DD1 thinks it's great, but have persuaded her when she had it to make a bowl. And all that about it dissolving - DON'T BELIEVE IT

mrsA that's great news :)
bec don't worry! Its high praise for you as a mother that your DS is so happy at home, you've created a really loving environment where he's settled and secure, that's fantastic :)
I've not put DS in any sort of nursery/pre-school yet, he can go from next september for a year and still get plenty of preparation for starting school. I've been developing a theory (based on my sample of 1) that the child-led element of early years can be daunting for some children. DD always went happily into pre-school but never really told us anything she did there, but she's just started 'big' school and is buzzing - she loves the structure and doing PE lessons and being teacher-led. I know DS is less capable than DD of going into a room of children he doesn't know and finding something to play with and getting on with it, which is one reason I'm really not fussed about him not having started pre-school yet. Of course every nursery/pre-school is different, and DD did have some teacher-led activity every day, but there was a lot of child led stuff too, and I know I would have found that really overwhelming (I was always the kid who cried at holiday clubs, summer camps etc!). The other option is, could he actually go for more days so he gets more familiar with it? A friend's rather anxious DS recently went from 2 to 3 days at nursery and the staff commented what a difference it made to his confidence, and he'd been going for 3 years by that point!
Sorry that's probably not very helpful at all!

Today was the long-awaited trip to town I'd been excited about for a long time. DH is still on paternity leave, DD is now in school, so it was just me and my boys. Sadly I failed to buy any boots or jeans, and the place we went to for lunch where under-3s eat free, now charges £1 . To be fair DS1 ate more than a pound's worth . It was still really nice to be out in town for the first time in a long time, several shops have shut down since I was last there though. Quite tired tonight though, and I didn't even do the school run today, bracing myself for Wednesday when I have to do it on my own.

Why do I feel so sad then? My comm mw called round unannounced today, despite me saying I was working (which I was), she wanted to have a lecture chat about the latest letter I had sent to the head of midwifery (before we knew we were getting an IM). The hospital had clearly demanded she come to see me as I was refusing growth scans after being misled about a recent scan (looong story).

She was very hostile when I said I have hired an IM and made me feel I have done the right thing but also very sad. Why do IMs (and other respected health professionals who have actual proven results that their methods work) have such opposite views to most people in the nhs maternity services. It feels very hard sometimes 'swimming against the tide' and if it wasn't for the fact that the books I am reading, my doula and now my IM are backing my feelings, i would doubt my own logic sometimes.
My comm mw actually said to me today that my BMI means I am at risk of growing a baby too big for my body. Sorry, but I believe that is crap.

Sorry, I'll shut up now - just feeling guilty, down and confused (but know I'm doing the right thing IYKWIM). The VBAC support group on yahoo has just been invaluable to me.

Becs you are not a crap mum. Like others have said, ignore the idiots who glare. Daft buggers.

becs See, whenever I see a kid crying at nursery I think 'oh, bless, they really like their mummy '. My dc's couldn't give a flying fig when I drop them off and I feel like a bad mummy as they're so pleased to get away from me . Every child is different and at this age they're so little that it's more normal for them to be upset.

Mine have been known to run away from me when I pick them up from nursery. Anyone would think I beat them with sticks!

Bec,

You're a fab mummy. Come on. I have heard all about the lengths you have gone to for DS1, and the fact that you are agonising over the happiness of T is also a sure sign.

I don't think I'm a crap mum particularly, but dd is going to preschool against her wishes atm. I think it is because it is all new and she doesn't know the teachers etc. but my goodness, I am EXHAUSTED and NEED her there 3 mornings a week, so she's just going to have to get on with it. I think it is in her interests in the long run though because I feel it is important to mix with typically developing children.

Aw bec, you're doing great!
A has been going through a phase of being clingy and not wanting to be left at nursery, and if he was just starting I'd be as distraught as you - luckily I know he's always just fine after 10 minutes (and have only got MrNC to phone up 3 times in the last fortnight to check...)

Things I found helpful are getting there a bit early when there's only a few kids there, it's a bit calmer, and he can get held by a worker. And repeating the mantra that Mummy has to go off and do boring work, and then Mummy comes back. Mummy always comes back. Oh look, there's a dinosaur/car/other thing...

bec

your fantabulous! seriously :)!

MRSA Not sure what my BMI was but I was about 16stone when I got pregnant with Robyn, I lost 57lbs during pregnancy, despite nurses telling it was bad, ended up with GD and still had a baby smaller then my previous 2. There was 6oz between her and ds and 9oz between her and dd. And she was a normal delivery, with induction. So I don't see how that works. BTW with dd1 I was only 11 stone, tiny for me, I looked like a stick insect and she was the biggest.

Bec IS not the focus of parenting to produce a child who is happy?
Robyn has days where she doesn't want to go to nursery but she enjoys it once there and has come on so much. Give him time and things will be fine.

Just a quick post from my phone.

MrsA sorry you feel sad and so let down by the system. I was lucky that I had 2 really good experiences with very laid back midwives. It's great that you've found a good support group.

Bec don't forget that your ds doesn't start school for 2 years so there's plenty time for him to go to pre-school. I'm not start ds2 till Jan when he's free and he'll still do longer than ds1 did and he started at 2yrs 9months.
He obviously loves you to bits

Thanks everyone - am now snivelling into my laptop

meg I find that hard to believe!!!!

mrsa I know what you mean. I was a lot bit more clued up when pg with Toby and it made me deeply unpopular! Have you read Ina May Gaskin at all?? Would really recommend it, helped me enormously and even though I didnt get the HB I wanted I was home 8 hours after delivery and it was a good experience.

I am having a VERY similar set of feelings atm wrt ds1 and his issues...the ONLY things that have helped him are therapies we have paid for, the only paed who has been remotely interested in Tom is one we have paid for, the only reason he is seeing an EP on thursday is that we paid for it.....see the pattern??? Its not how it should be and we are (frankly) using money we should be putting towards a bigger house deposit to do it but I dont regret it at all...it has already meant Tom has avoided an uneccessary operation and the paed seems very clued up and realistic about what can be achieved.

All in all, we are very happy we have "bucked the trend" and gone private and very lucky that we can Yes, it doesnt always make you popular with other hcp's, but many of them would do the same in your position I am sure.

debi I was thinking that last night...it wouldnt really matter if he didnt start til this time next year - he will still have a year before school. My friend is a CM but lives in my old village so not ideal. sigh. Its so hard, isnt it?

Thanks again for the support, will try to be a bit less pathetic in my next post x

Becaroo. Going private has cost us our house. We sold it and are now in rented accomodation.

Do I feel bitter? Well yes a bit, but I also know how lucky ds is that we had a house TO sell. He has a chance of a life when he was all but written off by the very people PAID to help him.

They told us that the gap between him and his peers was going to widen every year and that my expectations were too high.

I told them that my expectations were certainly too high of them, and went private where I PROVED that ds could learn at a rate 2 to 4 times his peers and catch them up. It cost us £30k. It will cost us more over the next few years.

God, star £30k??? No wonder you feel "a bit" bitter!!

We are in a similar situation as you know, have sold and are currently renting whilst we look for another house and I know we are lucky in that we have that money (albeit an ever dwindling amount!!) to do these things....if we had bought a house 2 months ago we couldnt afford to be doing what we are doing now......

Its just so wrong that, as you say, kids are let down by people paid to help them! Not all NHs paeds are shit, I am sure, just all the ones I have met/had dealings with. I am sure there are schools that dont have to pick and choose which kids to help out of their meagre SEN/SN funding, but the schools I have experience of do have to.

I am constantly looking for the next "problem" IYSWIM? What if the EP says ds1 is ok??? What if the paed doesnt help?? What if he doesnt make any progress in the next academic year? He will have already seen an EP so where else is there to go???? arrgh....its an endless, montone loop in my head

He is now on a lower level reading book than he was 2 years ago and they say - basically - that I am worrying about nothing.

He has real (not imagined!) memory and sequencing problems and I dont know how to help him and those who are paid to help him havent got the time/resources to do so.

sigh.....I'm off again...

Bloody Hell Star £30K is such a lot. I take it autism isn't covered on private health insurance?
We have struggled with ds's autism as we just have no money. DP was working minimum wage when he was dx and our parents had no disposable income or assets to help us out with. We have been completely at the mercy of the NHS. DS is quite severe, no speech and still in nappies at 12, with no view of that changing. We have been told he will probably never converse but we are ok with that, he does sign and that has helped some of the frustrating times. We believe he can read as well, well at least recognise word shapes, especially Mario. We attended a ton of courses when he was first dx but the more we did we realised they would only do a real difference with additional funding which our LEA didn't do. We did manage a SN school place which has been brilliant for him. There is no way he would access Mainstream and the primary we asked told me they wouldn't be able to offer the extra help he would need. Secondary is a complete no-no.
He is still quite toddlerlike. Last night he had an episode for about 45 mins when he realised Robyn had a Dora teddy. He got violent, angry and upset. In the end he just sobbed about it. he couldn't be calmed until he saw tea was ready and even then he was still sobbing. If it had been the other way around we would just have given Robyn a different teddy to take her mind off it but you can't do that with autistics.
The paeds we have in Hull are pretty good but they do have a reluctance to delve deeper into his autism. He is malnourished atm even though he eats like 2 giant horses but they won't investigate his intestinal tract to see if anything is wrong. Even though that is a recognised trait/symptom of autism

Gosh that was a big post, sorry for the hijack.

Speaking of horses, I had my first riding lesson since getting pregnant with Robyn on Sunday. My thighs are screaming at me and I was only up there for half an hour. It was loads of fun though and I can't wait to do it again.

Still having trouble with Robyn weeing on the potty. She is dry most mornings but getting her to have a wee is like the biggest punishment ever. She is hating it atm but we know she can do it. Have reverted to magic stars for a wee but we are still having to tell her to go.

debs Have you heard of the GAPS diet??? I have the book if you want it?? (PM your address) Really interesting take on digestive issues with asd kids and might help your ds.

Posted for some advice in the CM topic and the basic gist of the answers was that I need to persist with Toby. sigh. Just dont know what to do...if a child is that upset/distressed and even waking in the night crying surely its a sign they arent mentally/emotionally ready??? Will go to the nursery tomorrow and see the manager and see what we can do (if anything)